I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I deserve to be named Queen of the World. I'll never get it. How do I move on?

OP, my problem is much more pressing. I don't mean to hijack your thread but still...move your trivial complaint out of the way so we can focus on my much more serious issue.

Don’t try to be clever, PP, as it’s clearly beyond your intelligence. You’re just embarrassing yourself.

And you think you did better PP? Snort.

[Anonymous]

“OP here. Wow, thank you for breaking this down in this way. I am going to re-read and think on this one for a while. Some of it is challenging me, but in a way that I think is probably good for me. Thank you for taking the time to share it.“

It is a relief to see your response and thought towards my opinion and experience isn’t hostile. I was worried that you would take it as a brash assertion that you’re doing it wrong. You’re not. But you can fight for the best for you. As painful as it is, growth is good. I’m glad it was helpful, your perspective was too. Happy holidays 😊

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best girlfriend hurt me suddenly and painfully. I never received an apology from her, and looking back I never saw her apologize to anyone for anything so it's not surprising. I held on to the pain for much, much longer than I should have. I kept thinking if I understood why she did what she did, then the pain would go away. Unfortunately I held on to these thoughts for well over a decade.

Finally I realized that I will never know why she did what she did and that is okay. Once I realized this, a literal weight lifted off of me. I cannot control her, but I can control my reactions. I finally took hold of my own reactions.

My advice would be to not hold on to these feelings for too long because then it just hinders you rather than helping you. It's easy to fall into the "I'm the victim" mentality, and hold on to the pain/anger, and that is just not healthy long term for you. Yes it's hard. But the moving on is about you, and not the other person. Good luck.

OP here. Thank you so much for this. I recognize a lot of myself in your experience. I also spent several thinking if I could understand why this person did this, I would feel better. In therapy, I realized that this obsession was about absolving myself. I think I felt for a while that I had somehow invited this to happen, by doing something wrong. I thought if I could just figure out what I had done to "deserve" what happened, then I could control it, and guarantee it wouldn't happen again. I thought I could fix it.

I haven't thought that for a long time, but I still struggle with the anger. The weight didn't lift for me. When I realized that I'll never know or understand why it happened, I was just left with its consequences, which I still deal with. My therapist talks about grief stages though says people don't necessarily go through them in the same order, or necessarily through all of them. I did denial first, then depression, then bargaining, and now I'm in anger. I can't get out of anger. I want acceptance, but I'm stuck.

I don't want to be in a victim mentality. I don't feel like a victim. I think my anger actually helps with that. Feeling anger makes me feel strong, which is the opposite of how I felt when this happened and in those other initial stages. I think I'm almost afraid to let go of my anger because it will make me feel vulnerable again. Even though being angry sucks, it's better than depression. That was the worst one.

Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud here. I really appreciated your comment and it's nice to feel a little less alone. I guess I just have to keep at it.

Semi-related, there should be a business where you can go safely burn something down until it is just ashes. I think there's a real market for something like that, and it could easily be made Covid friendly. Just throwing that out in the universe!

OP, I'm not sure that anyone has answered this for you, but there is a place where you can go & they put you in a room with all of this delicate china... and a sledgehammer.

I did it with a few friends who felt they needed it, I was just going along for the fun. However, when it was my turn, I couldn't believe how I envisioned someone who broke my trust years ago that I hadn't thought about in forever.
It came so easily... it was SO cathartic.

I highly recommend it, its called a rage rooms & there are a bunch of them around the DMV area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a black woman with a pained past of direcr and indirect, personal and social misfortune/abuse - and even micro aggressions still occurring today — in my experience and that of most others who are at the point of not being ruffled when thinking about it; you have to learn to condemn that person, hate the behaviour, understand how it impacted you, and work to protect yourself against it again, without personally holding on to the pain they caused. How you do that can vary. It isn’t easy. But you asked how to move on and that is the only way.

And yeah, it sucks. But that is how you do it. The best revenge is becoming better after someone attempts to destroy or hurt you. It sounds like a trope to dismiss, but it is true. I say this as a person who has experienced a lot of “injustice” for reprehensible acts.

I am abhorred by rape, abuse, torture, interference with someone’s success. Ive worked for people that ripped apart everything I did to rebuild it and take the credit. I’ve been wronged by humans and at one point felt wronged by God when he took my child. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I accept the past or make peace with it. It means I actively stop engaging in thoughts that take me off course, I can responding emotionally without subconsciously letting those feelings prioritize my behavior; it means I have the ability to give myself a choice. It doesn’t mean I’m letting those people odd the hook. They are still on the hook, but I get down off of the hook with them.

For me, forgiveness had a gradual growth and replaced resentment. My pain created introspection and my ability to untangle from the personal injustice allowed me to look at the situation from the outside in. I acknowledged being a victim, but not any longer. I could listen to songs without being triggered. I wasn’t afraid to have faith anymore or hope. It meant being reminded or thinking about it could still make me angry, but I had it compartmentalized in a way where it did not impact other areas od my mind, heart, or spirit. It meant not being depressed, or not sabotaging future opportunities because of the difficulty in having g courage after mistreatment. That is all really, really hard to do.


My cognitive decision shapes my behaviour and I am respectful of my pain when it appears. I address it in a safe space.. When you can think about it, talk about, feel your anger but still stay in your peace? You have forgiven. It’s about you. Not them. It doesn’t mean you aren’t vigilant, or things are fair. It means the wound they caused closes and doesn’t remain open to infection.

With this in mind, maybe you have already started to forgive without realizing it. Getting off of their hook looks different for everyone. For me, it meant I trusted God with a prayer after devastation. It took a lonnnnnng time.

I’m sorry about your pain. I hope you find a path to healing or moving on in the best way for you. You have every right to proceed how you want without forgiving. But that is the way that you move on (which is what you specifically asked) and live your best life.

Thanks for being so willing to share and also confident in your needs and reasoning. I respect that. Others will too for sure. Joust be careful of motivations that are empowering or a catalyst for change in you or the circumstances that created your problem, and not using hate as motivation to create your own injustice.

OP. I’m the PP above bumping a thread from 11/28/2020. There is a thread going now on redemption and forgiveness and coincidentally I came across this old bookmark by accident!

I wanted to let you know that I have had to eat my own words since this post, as I was hurt again and unimaginably.

I also want you to know that as painful and bitter as the mistreatment I received was, the truth of my own words were a balm to my soul. I’m not just talking about it. This is the key to move into another realm of love and personal transformation — this is how you remove unseen boundaries in your life and open and welcome a universe of good fortune.

Physician, heal thyself. And when you’re whole, exist in your full being without fear and you will attract the same in others! Once again, I’ve received beauty for ashes. It seems to get easier and a little quicker each time! Isn’t that something?

Anyway, just a note of encouragement to a lot of aching souls out there. Love never fails. It always wins. It always endures, and is never self seeking; it is seeking something higher *in yourself* that you draw good energy from, and maybe if you’re lucky you’re blessed enough to share that outpouring with others, or at least team them how to fish.

I hope you are well and in good spirit!

Happy 2021!
Happy Spring!!

There is more in our future than all of our past, if you believe.

💚

[Anonymous]

My mother hurt in an indelible and excruciating way that I feel I will never recover from. She is elderly and I am her caregiver. I have been devoted to her my entire life. I have always idolized her. She did this horrible thing--behind my back and I found out about it a few weeks ago.

I wish I knew what to tell you OP--but just be glad it wasn't someone in your family, let alone your mother. I'm so sorry for your pain--I know I am in agony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a black woman with a pained past of direcr and indirect, personal and social misfortune/abuse - and even micro aggressions still occurring today — in my experience and that of most others who are at the point of not being ruffled when thinking about it; you have to learn to condemn that person, hate the behaviour, understand how it impacted you, and work to protect yourself against it again, without personally holding on to the pain they caused. How you do that can vary. It isn’t easy. But you asked how to move on and that is the only way.

And yeah, it sucks. But that is how you do it. The best revenge is becoming better after someone attempts to destroy or hurt you. It sounds like a trope to dismiss, but it is true. I say this as a person who has experienced a lot of “injustice” for reprehensible acts.

I am abhorred by rape, abuse, torture, interference with someone’s success. Ive worked for people that ripped apart everything I did to rebuild it and take the credit. I’ve been wronged by humans and at one point felt wronged by God when he took my child. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I accept the past or make peace with it. It means I actively stop engaging in thoughts that take me off course, I can responding emotionally without subconsciously letting those feelings prioritize my behavior; it means I have the ability to give myself a choice. It doesn’t mean I’m letting those people odd the hook. They are still on the hook, but I get down off of the hook with them.

For me, forgiveness had a gradual growth and replaced resentment. My pain created introspection and my ability to untangle from the personal injustice allowed me to look at the situation from the outside in. I acknowledged being a victim, but not any longer. I could listen to songs without being triggered. I wasn’t afraid to have faith anymore or hope. It meant being reminded or thinking about it could still make me angry, but I had it compartmentalized in a way where it did not impact other areas od my mind, heart, or spirit. It meant not being depressed, or not sabotaging future opportunities because of the difficulty in having g courage after mistreatment. That is all really, really hard to do.


My cognitive decision shapes my behaviour and I am respectful of my pain when it appears. I address it in a safe space.. When you can think about it, talk about, feel your anger but still stay in your peace? You have forgiven. It’s about you. Not them. It doesn’t mean you aren’t vigilant, or things are fair. It means the wound they caused closes and doesn’t remain open to infection.

With this in mind, maybe you have already started to forgive without realizing it. Getting off of their hook looks different for everyone. For me, it meant I trusted God with a prayer after devastation. It took a lonnnnnng time.

I’m sorry about your pain. I hope you find a path to healing or moving on in the best way for you. You have every right to proceed how you want without forgiving. But that is the way that you move on (which is what you specifically asked) and live your best life.

Thanks for being so willing to share and also confident in your needs and reasoning. I respect that. Others will too for sure. Joust be careful of motivations that are empowering or a catalyst for change in you or the circumstances that created your problem, and not using hate as motivation to create your own injustice.

OP. I’m the PP above bumping a thread from 11/28/2020. There is a thread going now on redemption and forgiveness and coincidentally I came across this old bookmark by accident!

I wanted to let you know that I have had to eat my own words since this post, as I was hurt again and unimaginably.

I also want you to know that as painful and bitter as the mistreatment I received was, the truth of my own words were a balm to my soul. I’m not just talking about it. This is the key to move into another realm of love and personal transformation — this is how you remove unseen boundaries in your life and open and welcome a universe of good fortune.

Physician, heal thyself. And when you’re whole, exist in your full being without fear and you will attract the same in others! Once again, I’ve received beauty for ashes. It seems to get easier and a little quicker each time! Isn’t that something?

Anyway, just a note of encouragement to a lot of aching souls out there. Love never fails. It always wins. It always endures, and is never self seeking; it is seeking something higher *in yourself* that you draw good energy from, and maybe if you’re lucky you’re blessed enough to share that outpouring with others, or at least team them how to fish.

I hope you are well and in good spirit!

Happy 2021!
Happy Spring!!

There is more in our future than all of our past, if you believe.

💚

PP here.

If I can do it, anyone can do it. Dont let injustice rob you of peace, even if you were mistreated. Save what is pure and good in you, and fiercely protect it.