I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?
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Anonymous
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I know this holiday is about feeling grateful. And I am. But I’m also mad. A person hurt me in a really terrible, grotesque way. They know they did it, and they know it was wrong. But they have not apologized, and I feel confident they never will.
How do I move on? They aren’t in my life anymore, but they are at its fringes (live and work not far away). I have so much love and joy in my life, but I still think about what they did nearly every day. How do I move on? I don’t want to forgive them (I’m not a martyr and I don’t want to forgive someone who has never and will never hold themselves accountable). Will I ever get to a point where I don’t think about this? Will I ever feel peace? And if so, how? What I’ve done so far: therapy (still at it), meditation, taking occasional solo drives so I can scream at the top of my lungs. What am I missing? |
Anonymous
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Tequila
Sorry OP |
Anonymous
| I mean this in the nicest way....first time. Then, you have to stop caring and focusing on the wrong that was done. This is what it means by people saying move on. Life is going on, and that person will receive back from the universe what they did to you- it may not be immediate but it may come about via them dying a slow lingering cancerous death, etc. but you must stop thinking about and focusing on it and move. on. |
Anonymous
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Time and fully accepting that forgiveness is for yourself, not the other person.
'Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemy.' |
Anonymous
| Time will help you. It took me three years to let it go. |
Anonymous
| Stop devoting energy, thoughts and time to it. You aren’t getting an apology and honestly, a half ass apology that means nothing will not heal you. |
Anonymous
| I got a much-needed but never-coming apology in a dream once. Sounds ridiculous but it helped so much. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. Forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook, or accepting that what they did was ok. It's deciding that you don't need an apology, even though you deserve one. They are broken, and therefore inconsequential to you future days and happiness. Right now you are still giving that other person all the power, OP. Why? Was this a romantic interest and you have a hope that somehow there can be reconciliation through a sincere enough apology? (I'm asking because I've been there. Spoiler alert: that is not going to happen.) |
Anonymous
I was about to say have a beer. : ) |
Anonymous
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OP here. Not a love interest, and I have absolutely no expectation or desire to have future interaction with this person. Unless you count the fantasies I have of winning an award and bumping into them as I leave the ceremony looking fabulous and filled with joy and accomplishment. But no.
And while I get and have received the advice about forgiveness before, I’m just being honest: I will not forgive someone who has evaded accountability. Consider it a religious belief. I just want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop feeling angry and hurt. Without forgiving them. |
Anonymous
OP here. On it! |
Anonymous
| Can you get someone to key their car or something? |
Anonymous
| Send them a tupperware full of dog poo. Do it so that there are no fingerprints. Also, wear a dark hoodie and keep your face away from any CCTV. |
Anonymous
| Every time you start thinking about it, redirect your thoughts |
Anonymous
| Why do you continue to let them wreck your life? They are probably fine now. Hanging onto this is messing you up, not them. An apology would not erase what happened. Make the decision to move on and then do it. Every time you realize you are rethinking it, wrench your mind away to something positive. Repeat as necessary. |