Reply to I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

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Reply to "I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?"

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[quote=Anonymous]Gosh I just want to thank all of you who have posted such thoughtful replies. I’m stuck in anger as well, most of the time, from the cruelest and craziest most scorched earth divorce I’m aware of personally.

Thank you all. I’m meh sometimes. But I’m rage a lot and it comes out so sideways that I sometimes don’t even know myself. I realized while reading I don’t even want an apology as much as I want a “why? Just why? Is it mental illness or drugs or TBI/CTE from 50 concussions or another woman or was it just narcissistic rage and you never loved me at all?!?!?

But I won’t get those answers from him. I’ll likely get them over time, but I’ll never get an apology or a why and I have to stop obsessing over they why - it’s that same tendency to want to understand to do better or be more perfect that got me into the relationship with a narc. 
Currently I’m trying to reframe my need to know “why” as a weakness that would make me more vulnerable to my next partner. When I think like this it’s easier to let go of the obsessive thought process. I can’t understand or rationalize crazy, but I can absolutely let myself go crazy trying to. I don’t want to do that because that would mean my ex was actually controlling my NEXT relationship if I’m trying to be “more perfect”. I’m just me. Imperfect and perfect and real. He’s always going to be him, a rage filled douch!bag with grand delusions of wealth and success. Wasting time on hm sets me back.

I’m so not close to “there” yet but I can talk myself down faster and have a better sense of time- like- that my need to push and rush and know “why” is selfish and ultimately based in being a victim. I don’t know why but maybe someday I will. That’s my mew mindset and I can defer to curiosity about his future without rumination on our past.

Good luck and I’m sorry [/quote]

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