I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

This is good insight. OP, to move on, you need to stop valuing or giving any credibility this person's actions, behaviors, or yes, even potential apologies. There are people in my life who "owe" me an apology, but moving on meant I no longer respect anything, literally anything, about them. They could show up at my door with flowers, cash, a rescued stray dog and a thorough apology, and it'd be like watching Donald Trump claim he won the election. Nothing they have to say, and nothing they do, carries the slightest weight with me.

OP here. I agree, this is really true. If this person tried to apologize, I know I'd never accept it. In part because I know there is a time when I probably would have accepted one, and rather than offer one, they chose to do something possibly even worse than the original offense. I often think I'm more angry about that than the original thing.

But yes, I agree with this sentiment. Feeling it... is another matter. I'm working on it.

Exactly the same situation with me! Rather than apologize, the person who deeply wronged me in my life doubled-down and started making up crap about how I was bad-mouthing her which simply never happened (I never even thought the things she accused me of saying!) Twice I extended the olive branch and twice she made it worse.

I understand she was trying to justify her betrayal and is extremely insecure.

Give it time, OP. I promise you that you’ll forget the person who wronged you.

How can you promise this? You obviously have not forgotten the person who harmed you, nor have you forgiven her. You are still bogged down in the back and forth and still justifying your own actions (painting yourself as the hero of your story when the reality is most certainly more complicated).

Stuff like this is really hard to get over. We should at least admit that’s the case. There is a lot of well-intentioned advice on this thread, but the harsh truth is that OP may never forget. She might have to live with the pain forever. I hope her life is filled with enough joy and happiness to outweigh the pain, but I think that is the most we can hope for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you get someone to key their car or something?

Grow up, really?

It's better than sending goons to break the legs of the person.

And sometimes revenge does feel very good. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

This is good insight. OP, to move on, you need to stop valuing or giving any credibility this person's actions, behaviors, or yes, even potential apologies. There are people in my life who "owe" me an apology, but moving on meant I no longer respect anything, literally anything, about them. They could show up at my door with flowers, cash, a rescued stray dog and a thorough apology, and it'd be like watching Donald Trump claim he won the election. Nothing they have to say, and nothing they do, carries the slightest weight with me.

OP here. I agree, this is really true. If this person tried to apologize, I know I'd never accept it. In part because I know there is a time when I probably would have accepted one, and rather than offer one, they chose to do something possibly even worse than the original offense. I often think I'm more angry about that than the original thing.

But yes, I agree with this sentiment. Feeling it... is another matter. I'm working on it.

Exactly the same situation with me! Rather than apologize, the person who deeply wronged me in my life doubled-down and started making up crap about how I was bad-mouthing her which simply never happened (I never even thought the things she accused me of saying!) Twice I extended the olive branch and twice she made it worse.

I understand she was trying to justify her betrayal and is extremely insecure.

Give it time, OP. I promise you that you’ll forget the person who wronged you.

How can you promise this? You obviously have not forgotten the person who harmed you, nor have you forgiven her. You are still bogged down in the back and forth and still justifying your own actions (painting yourself as the hero of your story when the reality is most certainly more complicated).

Stuff like this is really hard to get over. We should at least admit that’s the case. There is a lot of well-intentioned advice on this thread, but the harsh truth is that OP may never forget. She might have to live with the pain forever. I hope her life is filled with enough joy and happiness to outweigh the pain, but I think that is the most we can hope for.

PP here and I promise you I have claimed and dealt with my part and only think of this person when issues like this come up. There are no heroes to my story and I truly have no actions to justify. I’m old and this kind of betrayal and dismissal has only happened to me this one time in 65 years so I think I’m a rational and realistic judge of my situation.

The pain does burn itself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

I love that quote, thank you for sharing. That’s a good mantra for those moments I get sucked into ruminating upon the past.

+1. Gold nugget there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This Thanksgiving, I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to respond so kindly to my thread. Even the people who are insisting that I find a way to forgive, which, to be clear, I will never, ever do. But I know your advice comes from a good place of wanting there to be less pain and sadness in the world. So thank you.

I hope you all have joy and peace in some measure today. Everyone deserves that. Except the person who harmed me -- I hope they are miserable and thinking about what a disgusting person they are. But everyone else: Happy Thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

You too, OP!!!!! Like you, I will be enjoying a secret prayer that the person who hurt me gets a dui tonight. Happy thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

I appreciate this thread. As someone who holds onto anger and hurt, I really appreciate the suggestions here. It may not apply to you, OP, but one thing I’ve learned from my spouse is to be okay writing people off as sh*t people. Some people just suck. Their reason for hurting you may just be that they are not good people. And rather than dwell on it (and I tend to dwell on it in a what-did-I-do-wrong-to-deserve-this kind of way), just start referring to them in your head as “that a-hole.” There’s a guy from college who in my thoughts is simply just “that a-hole.” He doesn’t get a name. I actually am blanking on his last name now because that a-hole is all he is to me. I don’t know why it helps me, but it does.

[Anonymous]

When you are no longer angry then you write.her a note telling her that she hurt you but that you've forgiven her. WRITE, do not call. Also do not do this until you have truly forgiven her. It will probably not mean a thing to her but it will free you. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are no longer angry then you write.her a note telling her that she hurt you but that you've forgiven her. WRITE, do not call. Also do not do this until you have truly forgiven her. It will probably not mean a thing to her but it will free you. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.

Lol I think this would piss them off SO MUCH actually. I might just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are no longer angry then you write.her a note telling her that she hurt you but that you've forgiven her. WRITE, do not call. Also do not do this until you have truly forgiven her. It will probably not mean a thing to her but it will free you. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.

Lol I think this would piss them off SO MUCH actually. I might just do it.

I have done This and it works. Of course, the other person is completely out of my life and I do not care how it makes them feel
I care only that it sets me free and they no longer have free rent my in my head. Sometimes it can take years and that is fine

[Anonymous]

Hypnosis?!

[Anonymous]

A few other suggestions:

brainspotting, which is a targeted form of EMDR (need a trained therapist)
resolve to do something good for someone for each way the person wronged you (make meaning)
a little revenge is actually quite satisfying, and research shows that. But I still maintain that doing well and making them irrelevant is the most satisfying "revenge."
I think sometimes the real disappointment is in a bystander, or a supposed friend who could have helped but didn't. I had the hardest time letting go of my disappointment in a bystander. Not sure if that applies to you. I realized I had to forgive them, but not necessarily the person who did the real harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a love interest, and I have absolutely no expectation or desire to have future interaction with this person. Unless you count the fantasies I have of winning an award and bumping into them as I leave the ceremony looking fabulous and filled with joy and accomplishment. But no.

And while I get and have received the advice about forgiveness before, I’m just being honest: I will not forgive someone who has evaded accountability. Consider it a religious belief.

I just want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop feeling angry and hurt. Without forgiving them.

You’re not listening. You feel angry & hurt because you haven’t forgiven. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. You don’t have to think they’re a good person; you just have to let go of your anger, because it’s only hurting you. You are letting this person have power over your life that they don’t deserve.

I know of what I speak.

+1

Think of forgiveness in terms of a financial debt: if someone borrows money, they owe you. But you can decide that you are no longer going to try to collect that debt. It doesn't mean that they never owed you money, or that they were right not to repay you. It means you accept that you're not getting that money back, and erase it from your mental ledger. It doesn't mean you loan them money again, or even like them anymore, or spend time with them, or trust them. It means you stop counting that debt.

If you want to stop thinking about it, and feeling angry and hurt, you have to forgive them. The alternative is that part of you is always waiting for them to repay you, which means you are always hanging on to the debt. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." You have to stop holding it against them, because that means you're holding onto it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a love interest, and I have absolutely no expectation or desire to have future interaction with this person. Unless you count the fantasies I have of winning an award and bumping into them as I leave the ceremony looking fabulous and filled with joy and accomplishment. But no.

And while I get and have received the advice about forgiveness before, I’m just being honest: I will not forgive someone who has evaded accountability. Consider it a religious belief.

I just want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop feeling angry and hurt. Without forgiving them.

You’re not listening. You feel angry & hurt because you haven’t forgiven. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. You don’t have to think they’re a good person; you just have to let go of your anger, because it’s only hurting you. You are letting this person have power over your life that they don’t deserve.

I know of what I speak.

+1

Think of forgiveness in terms of a financial debt: if someone borrows money, they owe you. But you can decide that you are no longer going to try to collect that debt. It doesn't mean that they never owed you money, or that they were right not to repay you. It means you accept that you're not getting that money back, and erase it from your mental ledger. It doesn't mean you loan them money again, or even like them anymore, or spend time with them, or trust them. It means you stop counting that debt.

If you want to stop thinking about it, and feeling angry and hurt, you have to forgive them. The alternative is that part of you is always waiting for them to repay you, which means you are always hanging on to the debt. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." You have to stop holding it against them, because that means you're holding onto it.

Yeah you gotta let this go. Esp if it's something about your professional/work life - not that they murdered your grandma or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This Thanksgiving, I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to respond so kindly to my thread. Even the people who are insisting that I find a way to forgive, which, to be clear, I will never, ever do. But I know your advice comes from a good place of wanting there to be less pain and sadness in the world. So thank you.

I hope you all have joy and peace in some measure today. Everyone deserves that. Except the person who harmed me -- I hope they are miserable and thinking about what a disgusting person they are. But everyone else: Happy Thanksgiving!

Ha. I spent my whole run outside today sending deep thoughts of harm and misfortune to a b@tch that harmed me and my family and took zero responsibility for it. She’s so delusional she tried to flip it on me.

I hope her remaining years on earth are a living hell before she suffers a slow, excruciatingly painful death and then rots in real hell.