I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

[Anonymous]

For how many years have you been stuck in that situation?

[Anonymous]

You just do it. You accept that you aren't going to get an apology. You accept that they are a jerk. And then you decide what a waste it is to let this person occupy any more of your mind. Then you move on. You have to let go of the anger.

[Anonymous]

Try eliminating any triggers that cause you to think about the hurt. May require some creativity, but take some notes on what causes you to start ruminating and then try to eliminate it for a while (hide mutual friends on FB, put away an object that starts those thoughts, etc).
Then, find a distraction you are going to use when those thoughts come back. Hard to ruminate when you are using Duolingo or really into an exciting book or practicing an instrument.

[Anonymous]

Please answer OP. How long ago this this injustice occur?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a love interest, and I have absolutely no expectation or desire to have future interaction with this person. Unless you count the fantasies I have of winning an award and bumping into them as I leave the ceremony looking fabulous and filled with joy and accomplishment. But no.

And while I get and have received the advice about forgiveness before, I’m just being honest: I will not forgive someone who has evaded accountability. Consider it a religious belief.

I just want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop feeling angry and hurt. Without forgiving them.

You’re not listening. You feel angry & hurt because you haven’t forgiven. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. You don’t have to think they’re a good person; you just have to let go of your anger, because it’s only hurting you. You are letting this person have power over your life that they don’t deserve.

I know of what I speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please answer OP. How long ago this this injustice occur?

Lol. Stand down, detective.

[Anonymous]

Wait, and let karma do it’s thing! It will come around.

[Anonymous]

Mostly it's time. It took me over a year for me not to go into a fight or flight panic when I saw the same model/color car as someone who treated me really badly. Two years later, I could probably see this person face to face and have a rational conversation. It's really about time and getting further removed from the situation.

When I was in the thick of the feelings right after it happened, I'd imagine a huge fire and all the negative thoughts and feelings being typed on a piece of paper and then burning up in that fire. In my mind's eye, I'd see each of the typed letter float up from the fire and then disappear. Other times, I'd imagine all the hurt I feel being like a string and when I was feeling especially awful, I'd pull that imaginary string from my chest and it was like pulling the hurt out. Eventually I got to a point where I didn't need to do these anymore.

It sucks to be treated badly, and I'm sorry that happened to you. Be kind to yourself and know it's going to take time to make the hurt get better---think of a bruise or broken bone. You can't just wish them away or pretend they don't exist or just "let them go" and your feelings are no different. Physical injuries require time and TLC. Mental injuries are no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this holiday is about feeling grateful. And I am. But I’m also mad. A person hurt me in a really terrible, grotesque way. They know they did it, and they know it was wrong. But they have not apologized, and I feel confident they never will.

How do I move on? They aren’t in my life anymore, but they are at its fringes (live and work not far away). I have so much love and joy in my life, but I still think about what they did nearly every day.

How do I move on? I don’t want to forgive them (I’m not a martyr and I don’t want to forgive someone who has never and will never hold themselves accountable). Will I ever get to a point where I don’t think about this? Will I ever feel peace? And if so, how?

What I’ve done so far: therapy (still at it), meditation, taking occasional solo drives so I can scream at the top of my lungs.

What am I missing?

Didn’t read your rant. Just your title.

That’s life.

[Anonymous]

My best girlfriend hurt me suddenly and painfully. I never received an apology from her, and looking back I never saw her apologize to anyone for anything so it's not surprising. I held on to the pain for much, much longer than I should have. I kept thinking if I understood why she did what she did, then the pain would go away. Unfortunately I held on to these thoughts for well over a decade.

Finally I realized that I will never know why she did what she did and that is okay. Once I realized this, a literal weight lifted off of me. I cannot control her, but I can control my reactions. I finally took hold of my own reactions.

My advice would be to not hold on to these feelings for too long because then it just hinders you rather than helping you. It's easy to fall into the "I'm the victim" mentality, and hold on to the pain/anger, and that is just not healthy long term for you. Yes it's hard. But the moving on is about you, and not the other person. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tequila

Sorry OP

Love you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best girlfriend hurt me suddenly and painfully. I never received an apology from her, and looking back I never saw her apologize to anyone for anything so it's not surprising. I held on to the pain for much, much longer than I should have. I kept thinking if I understood why she did what she did, then the pain would go away. Unfortunately I held on to these thoughts for well over a decade.

Finally I realized that I will never know why she did what she did and that is okay. Once I realized this, a literal weight lifted off of me. I cannot control her, but I can control my reactions. I finally took hold of my own reactions.

My advice would be to not hold on to these feelings for too long because then it just hinders you rather than helping you. It's easy to fall into the "I'm the victim" mentality, and hold on to the pain/anger, and that is just not healthy long term for you. Yes it's hard. But the moving on is about you, and not the other person. Good luck.

OP here. Thank you so much for this. I recognize a lot of myself in your experience. I also spent several thinking if I could understand why this person did this, I would feel better. In therapy, I realized that this obsession was about absolving myself. I think I felt for a while that I had somehow invited this to happen, by doing something wrong. I thought if I could just figure out what I had done to "deserve" what happened, then I could control it, and guarantee it wouldn't happen again. I thought I could fix it.

I haven't thought that for a long time, but I still struggle with the anger. The weight didn't lift for me. When I realized that I'll never know or understand why it happened, I was just left with its consequences, which I still deal with. My therapist talks about grief stages though says people don't necessarily go through them in the same order, or necessarily through all of them. I did denial first, then depression, then bargaining, and now I'm in anger. I can't get out of anger. I want acceptance, but I'm stuck.

I don't want to be in a victim mentality. I don't feel like a victim. I think my anger actually helps with that. Feeling anger makes me feel strong, which is the opposite of how I felt when this happened and in those other initial stages. I think I'm almost afraid to let go of my anger because it will make me feel vulnerable again. Even though being angry sucks, it's better than depression. That was the worst one.

Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud here. I really appreciated your comment and it's nice to feel a little less alone. I guess I just have to keep at it.

Semi-related, there should be a business where you can go safely burn something down until it is just ashes. I think there's a real market for something like that, and it could easily be made Covid friendly. Just throwing that out in the universe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mostly it's time. It took me over a year for me not to go into a fight or flight panic when I saw the same model/color car as someone who treated me really badly. Two years later, I could probably see this person face to face and have a rational conversation. It's really about time and getting further removed from the situation.

When I was in the thick of the feelings right after it happened, I'd imagine a huge fire and all the negative thoughts and feelings being typed on a piece of paper and then burning up in that fire. In my mind's eye, I'd see each of the typed letter float up from the fire and then disappear. Other times, I'd imagine all the hurt I feel being like a string and when I was feeling especially awful, I'd pull that imaginary string from my chest and it was like pulling the hurt out. Eventually I got to a point where I didn't need to do these anymore.

It sucks to be treated badly, and I'm sorry that happened to you. Be kind to yourself and know it's going to take time to make the hurt get better---think of a bruise or broken bone. You can't just wish them away or pretend they don't exist or just "let them go" and your feelings are no different. Physical injuries require time and TLC. Mental injuries are no different.

OP here. Thank you, these are kind words. I understand that fire feeling very well. I'll try that string visual as well. I'll try anything! Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, and let karma do it’s thing! It will come around.

OP here. I don't know if karma is real, but I really, really hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time you start thinking about it, redirect your thoughts

Sorry OP. You’re not alone. I think this happens to everyone at some point about something. It’s really hard. I almost think it’s like grief in that it eventually fades but also can come roaring back. I agree that you try to redirect your thoughts. It’s OK to be mad. Just realize that eventually getting past it is a gift to yourself. not the other person.