I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

[Anonymous]

If someone owed you $$ and you knew you were never getting it back, you might move on by just forgiving the debt in your mind. Do the same in this situation. Imagine it's a debt and you've stopped waiting to get repaid.

This happened to me. It took me years to get over it. It was work related, and I got the award in the end that you crave. Nothing bad happened to them except their career is stagnant. I still want nothing to do with them, but I've let go of the hurt and stopped internalizing it. I recognize in hindsight that their behavior was all about them and their insecurities. I could have done a better job sensing danger and protecting myself, but I've forgiven myself for that. I think in retrospect that to move on I had to forgive myself. Forgive myself for allowing myself to be in such a wretched situation, forgive myself for trying to ingratiate myself to someone who had some power over me at the time, and forgive myself for not handling the aftermath with as much dignity as I would have liked. I have no need to forgive her now, but she's irrelevant, and that's even better. Also, the karma piece is that she's stuck in life and I know my success gets under her skin. Also, I was in a position at one point where I could have helped her but chose not to, so she also lost out on a fantastic opportunity she would have loved because of her mistreatment of me. Good luck. I wish you peace. I honestly didn't think it would ever come for me, but it did. I had to actively make the choice to forgive the debt and fprgive myself.

[Anonymous]

How long has this been going on? Did this happen years ago, or two weeks ago? You might get better advice if you were more specific.

[Anonymous]

Let the universe handle it. There were two wrongs done to me where I responded with grace. The universe swiftly dove in and took care of it for me in both instances. Choose grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the universe handle it. There were two wrongs done to me where I responded with grace. The universe swiftly dove in and took care of it for me in both instances. Choose grace.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? Did this happen years ago, or two weeks ago? You might get better advice if you were more specific.

Dude, let it go. This is the third time this has been posted in the thread.

[Anonymous]

If you tend to ruminate on things, allow yourself a block of time everyday just for that. So if you catch yourself thinking about this awful person and what they did, you gently remind yourself that it's not time to think about it, you have to wait until between 7:00 and 7:15 pm. And then try to honor that. This is really just a mindfulness hack to get you living in the present moment, and eventually, past the need for thinking about it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a love interest, and I have absolutely no expectation or desire to have future interaction with this person. Unless you count the fantasies I have of winning an award and bumping into them as I leave the ceremony looking fabulous and filled with joy and accomplishment. But no.

And while I get and have received the advice about forgiveness before, I’m just being honest: I will not forgive someone who has evaded accountability. Consider it a religious belief.

I just want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop feeling angry and hurt. Without forgiving them.

OP, I would suggest what my therapist said (easier said than done, of course, which she also said is one of the challenges a therapist faces). You TELL yourself "stop" when those thoughts appear. You have something (she was big on using something easily memorized, could be entirely banal--the alphabet, a prayer, a nursery rhyme, whatever) for your mind to do instead. You practice it. Another idea: replace the thought about what was done to you with the huge feeling of relief you found out what a slimy evil person they were and won't ever be their victim again.

But it does take practice. Just like playing the piano takes practice.

[Anonymous]

Also that business about them getting back from the universe what they put into it? Absolute rubbish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a much-needed but never-coming apology in a dream once. Sounds ridiculous but it helped so much.

NP. This doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. Sometimes I imagine the person apologizing or the person making some sort of amends to a situation. It’s my coping strategy and it really helps me to move on and get over my anger.

[Anonymous]

I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? Did this happen years ago, or two weeks ago? You might get better advice if you were more specific.

Dude, let it go. This is the third time this has been posted in the thread.

Nice splash of irony, dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

This is good insight. OP, to move on, you need to stop valuing or giving any credibility this person's actions, behaviors, or yes, even potential apologies. There are people in my life who "owe" me an apology, but moving on meant I no longer respect anything, literally anything, about them. They could show up at my door with flowers, cash, a rescued stray dog and a thorough apology, and it'd be like watching Donald Trump claim he won the election. Nothing they have to say, and nothing they do, carries the slightest weight with me.

[Anonymous]

This is silly, but years ago after a breakup, I got a book by Sylvia Browne and followed the meditation/hypnotism exercises in the book. I tried to focus on them whenever i started ruminating (which was often).

It's hard, but time does help.

[Anonymous]

I don’t forgive.
I forget. It takes years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar two years ago. I tried and tried to forgive but just couldn’t so I accepted that I was always going to have hatred and anger toward the couple and that acceptance, strangely, made it easier to stop thinking about them. They rarely cross my mind now. I also never talk about them which helps and cut ties with anyone we had in common. I’ve never once checked them on social media. All that really did help.

Then it occurs to me that even if I got a heartfelt apology - nothing would change. The damage done was truly irreversible.

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done”.

This is good insight. OP, to move on, you need to stop valuing or giving any credibility this person's actions, behaviors, or yes, even potential apologies. There are people in my life who "owe" me an apology, but moving on meant I no longer respect anything, literally anything, about them. They could show up at my door with flowers, cash, a rescued stray dog and a thorough apology, and it'd be like watching Donald Trump claim he won the election. Nothing they have to say, and nothing they do, carries the slightest weight with me.

OP here. I agree, this is really true. If this person tried to apologize, I know I'd never accept it. In part because I know there is a time when I probably would have accepted one, and rather than offer one, they chose to do something possibly even worse than the original offense. I often think I'm more angry about that than the original thing.

But yes, I agree with this sentiment. Feeling it... is another matter. I'm working on it.