I have to beg or ask my husband 50+ times for everything. what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a lot you ask him to do because you are unable to? I'm not saying that it's an excuse for him to put things off but I wonder if thats part of it. Dh was injured a couple of years ago and I had to do all the heavy lifting. It definitely got tiring and I picked and chose what I did by the end. A lot of stuff got outsourced because I was just tired of doing it all.

No. I ask a few chores and he has issues with all of them.

Get things from attic. (I asked him to leave tree in garage and ornaments so I don't have to ask him and he refused because they take up too much space)
Finish our taxes (I do 99%, last 3 years he just didn't do it and we were penalized)
Handle car stuff which I know nothing about (Waiting 2 years now for a dent to get fixed)

He is completely unorganized.. leaves clothes at dry cleaners for months at a time. Puts kids in car with no socks, shoes or water bottle which we don't realize until we are at destination. Forgets things constantly. Waits until the day of to book a flight for family of 5. Orders furniture and leaves it lying and not put together for 6 months. Starts a household project and never completes it. I always offer to hire and handle a handyman coming and he refuses saying it is a waste of money and is angry if I do ask someone. He will forget to return things that are hundreds of dollars and leave it in his car. He is highly social, in a high level job and makes 300k+ a year no not stupid or incompetent. It is frustrating to me because I have told him I will handle it but tell me and give me notice, don't insist on doing it and don't.

...why are you still married to this person? Honestly it sounds like you have another child on your hands. I can’t imsgine wanting to have sex with someone so helpless. Total turn off.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are 2 and 4. I understand that the thought of eating frozen pizza upsets you but perhaps you could scale back. DH was born in Europe and does not love turkey. When our kids were this age TG was a very simple affair: a few roasted quails with stuffing on the side, cranberry sauce, candied sweet potatoes and steamed broccoli with store-bought dessert. If your DH complains he is welcome to order additional sides, which he will, of course never do. I will also scale back Christmas. Put up a tree, lights, a few decorations, and presents. Looking back, I wish I had spent less time stressed out about details and more enjoying the kids. Your DH is controlling but your response sets the pattern and delineates boundaries. I used to go ballistic because my (also-controlling) DH had 1,001 prescriptions about how our household had to be maintained but never lifted a finger to even hang his jacket. To this day he has never mopped any surface in any of the half-dozen dwellings in which we have lived. My mother advised me years ago to stop doing things for him. I did. As she predicted, 95 percent of the time he seemed neither to notice or care. How many hours of my life did she give me back for myself? From how much angst and anger did she set me free?

[Anonymous]

I came here to post something similar. He promises to do things and just doesn’t. It’s one thing (not great) when it’s dishwasher or laundry or trash etc but there are crucial things I can’t do for him that he drops and I find stressful. His job recently ended and he’s been working hard preparing for an interview but I realized he missed the deadline to keep his life insurance through his old company. I didn’t get paid maternity leave and he ended up never submitting paperwork for the weeks he took off and has not filed for unemployment because he assumes he’s not eligible, but also hasn’t looked into it despite promises. I really don’t know how to remind / ask without nagging. The other day I asked him to put something away up high that’s still on our counter and in my way. Another thing he said he’d do I did instead and then he got upset. I made a piece of paper with top priorities / jobs for each week but I really think it has to be a major white board we see everyday with agreed upon deadlines.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I will say to op you need agreed upon timelines and outcomes if that’s not met. That’s what worked best for us, but for critical things (tax returns he needs to do etc) it’s hard. For instance when it worked, he had a project and the parts were sitting around. I said I was going to throw it away since he hadn’t touched it in a year. He said he’d do it soon and asked me to keep it. I said “can I throw it out if you haven’t done it in 6 months?” He said okay. I wrote a “throw out date” on a piece of paper, stuck it to the project, and threw the whole thing away 6 months later.

[Anonymous]

I read your update OP and you are in a tough situation. Can you just go ahead and do things, specifically the one related to money or health, if they aren’t done by a certain time and your DH claims that he plans to do it? Would he actually argue with you, cause a ruckus or be secretly relieved it’s taken care of? The other option, and maybe you’ve done this, is address it head on because it sounds like you are at a breaking point. Does he know it impacts you when he says he will do something big and doesn’t follow thru? Again, at his job where he makes 300K does he do that? Have you had that conversation where you said something has to change, whether that means you hire out more and/or do things the way that makes your life easier like holiday items stored in the garage or ordering a replacement piece for the bed if it hasn’t been done by x date, and getting help with the cleaning or whatever to free up the time to do those things?

[Anonymous]

Remove all expectations from him. It sucks but its the only way to preserve your sanity. Of course, it may further contribute to any disaffection down the road if he doesn’t step up to the plate after some time and you’re left doing thé work and not even being bothered by his inaction. In my case, taking responsibility for everything did not help prevent the dissolution of my first marriage. It made divorce more appealing to me. My daily life is so much more peaceful and organized because I follow my pace and can contract help I need otherwise. There is no one to blame but myself if things don’t get done. One less person to be responsible for, like cutting a deadweight from a project team. Or unseating a crappy senator from congress.

[Anonymous]

Stop storing it in the attic where you can't get it
Buy a new one
Pay someone to get it out and decorate
Get it out of the attic yourself, whatever way you can, even if that means sliding it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remove all expectations from him. It sucks but its the only way to preserve your sanity. Of course, it may further contribute to any disaffection down the road if he doesn’t step up to the plate after some time and you’re left doing thé work and not even being bothered by his inaction. In my case, taking responsibility for everything did not help prevent the dissolution of my first marriage. It made divorce more appealing to me. My daily life is so much more peaceful and organized because I follow my pace and can contract help I need otherwise. There is no one to blame but myself if things don’t get done. One less person to be responsible for, like cutting a deadweight from a project team. Or unseating a crappy senator from congress.

This! My husband is dead weight. If it’s not directed related to his gratification it will not be done. Laundry is always his, dishes he’ll complete, food is only enough for himself. The selfishness is unbearable at times. Feel it’s better to cut the dead weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

Most of the items are in huge tupperware bins that are hard for me to handle especially climbing up and down. He's 6'3, I am 5'2.

You are creating ridiculous excuses. If you want the Christmas decorations down, you can get them down. If you are not physically able then you really need to start working out. That should be a bigger priority than house decorating.

[Anonymous]

Oh this is easy: Get yourself done up, and go ask your sexiest neighbor to come help. Make sure to the the neighbor your husband is incapable of lifting the boxes. Smile, flirt, fawn, maybe offer the neighbor a beer when he’s done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

Most of the items are in huge tupperware bins that are hard for me to handle especially climbing up and down. He's 6'3, I am 5'2.

You are creating ridiculous excuses. If you want the Christmas decorations down, you can get them down. If you are not physically able then you really need to start working out. That should be a bigger priority than house decorating.

Oh shatup. You don’t know anything about OP, her health, nothing. Your condescending judgment is derailing and it’s not like she’s going to go and start benching weights because some Internet rando told her to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

Most of the items are in huge tupperware bins that are hard for me to handle especially climbing up and down. He's 6'3, I am 5'2.

I’m with the PP. why can’t you handle these things? It will be harder for a 6’3” person to navigate narrow stairs than a 5’2” person, and there’s no reason to think a shorter person is less able to carry the average Tupperware bin worth of stuff. I’m certainly willing to believe your DH is annoying, but this scenario makes me really wonder about your relationship and methods. You've really asked him 50 times to do something and not considered an alternative way to address the problem?

As a 5.0 ft person- it IS hard to carry those bin down from an attic. I'm strong but my arms are not long and it's really easy to lose grip on those and have it go flying down the ladder and crash (trust me on this!) I also have a dh who puts things up in the attic that I need and have to 'ask' him to get. I hate that!

OP-tell him 'tonight, before I serve dinner, I need the tree down from the attic". Then don't serve dinner until it's done! That usually works for my dh, he's food motivated lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a few household tasks I’ll ask my husband for help, one is getting things out of the attic or checking his work schedule so we can make plans for things to need to be done.

I’ve asked him multiple times to take the xmas tree and decor down. He just doesn’t. Would you just drop it and not do any decor this year? My kids are 2/4. 4 year old would probably notice but I’m so tired of begging

Did his mama spoil him and do everything for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

Most of the items are in huge tupperware bins that are hard for me to handle especially climbing up and down. He's 6'3, I am 5'2.

You are creating ridiculous excuses. If you want the Christmas decorations down, you can get them down. If you are not physically able then you really need to start working out. That should be a bigger priority than house decorating.

Stop it - there are some things that I *could* do, but are just a lot easier from a physical standpoint for my DH to do, and our height discrepancy isn’t as big as the OP and her DH.

Add to that that OP is likely doing the bulk of housework and child rearing...and then she has to tote barges and lift bales just because she can? No. Getting Christmas decorations down is the least he could do. If he thinks it’s a little early, he should say so. Not, yes, I will do it and a week later OP is still waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

Most of the items are in huge tupperware bins that are hard for me to handle especially climbing up and down. He's 6'3, I am 5'2.

You are creating ridiculous excuses. If you want the Christmas decorations down, you can get them down. If you are not physically able then you really need to start working out. That should be a bigger priority than house decorating.

Stop it - there are some things that I *could* do, but are just a lot easier from a physical standpoint for my DH to do, and our height discrepancy isn’t as big as the OP and her DH.

Add to that that OP is likely doing the bulk of housework and child rearing...and then she has to tote barges and lift bales just because she can? No. Getting Christmas decorations down is the least he could do. If he thinks it’s a little early, he should say so. Not, yes, I will do it and a week later OP is still waiting.

OP can either do it herself or stop complaining. Her husband sees no value in it.