I have to beg or ask my husband 50+ times for everything. what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Is there a lot you ask him to do because you are unable to? I'm not saying that it's an excuse for him to put things off but I wonder if thats part of it. Dh was injured a couple of years ago and I had to do all the heavy lifting. It definitely got tiring and I picked and chose what I did by the end. A lot of stuff got outsourced because I was just tired of doing it all.

[Anonymous]

“Hey Fred, I need some help getting items down from the attic. It will take about 15 minutes. What’s a good time for you to do this with me in the next two days?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, can you pick a time? I’m trying to work around your schedule.”

“5:00pm”

“Great. I really appreciate it. 5:00pm.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get someone else to help you with the attic stuff, (girlfriend or hire someone) or, get a little tree and some ornaments at CVS. If you get someone to help you bring down the attic stuff, don't put the stuff back up there.

The broader issue is to create a LIFE--YOUR LIFE-- where you are not begging your DH to do anything. It is not fair, and it sucks, but it will help YOU feel better and not trapped by needing him to do this sort of stuff.

With respect to household repairs, just get a handyman. That was the best decision I made when I was in your stage of life/marriage/young kids. I had the handyman come when my DH was at work. I even had the handyman set up our (live) Christmas tree. DH would pout that he didn't get to pick it out, but if I waited for him, it would be a New Year's Tree!

+1. I was going to say the exact same things including the fact that it isn’t fair. However, you need to be able to live your life and move forward the same way you would if you were divorced or if your DH was on travel. What would you do in that case? It’s more about not feeling helpless and ultimately getting done what needs to be done rather than putting energy into trying to change someone that isn’t going to change and not having anything to show for it at the end of it.

And if there is anything that impacts your DH directly or solely, do not take it on and let him deal with the consequences of inaction. Like if his parents are coming for Thanksgiving and the bathroom needs to be cleaned and the xyz done, be clear you are doing x and if he wants y done for his parents it’s up to him. Assume he is a competent adult that can get done the things he wants to get done (I assume he has a job where this happens) and keep it moving.

LOL reminds me of a story. My DH's family was visiting and he and I agreed he'd handle takeout for dinner one night. His parents eat at 6, always have. He waited until HE started to get hungry and then tried to order for 10 people. Everyone was hangry but it was his parents explaining that for a large order you need to plan one hour in advance at a minimum that got through to him. He's just very self absorbed, and cannot for the life of him plan backwards the steps that need to occur for dinner to be on the table at a certain time. After that, I realized he wasn't being lazy or passive aggressive, just not capable. I don't consult him in much, just plan the way it needs to be done. He seems relieved to be a follower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a few household tasks I’ll ask my husband for help, one is getting things out of the attic or checking his work schedule so we can make plans for things to need to be done.

I’ve asked him multiple times to take the xmas tree and decor down. He just doesn’t. Would you just drop it and not do any decor this year? My kids are 2/4. 4 year old would probably notice but I’m so tired of begging

You mean right now? As a husband i would not be getting that stuff down until after Thanksgiving. He wont do it or he thinks you are antsy and need to chill ?

[Anonymous]

I would drop and not do OP. See when he notices.

And, when he does get decorations down, don't put them back up where you can't get to them. Basically, you have to place.things where you can get to them.

For taking off work, I have had to let my dh suffer the consequences. Basically, if he won't take time to take off work and schedule it, he does get off. I go do whatever instead, or we.just can not travel, because he refuses to plan ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Fred, I need some help getting items down from the attic. It will take about 15 minutes. What’s a good time for you to do this with me in the next two days?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, can you pick a time? I’m trying to work around your schedule.”

“5:00pm”

“Great. I really appreciate it. 5:00pm.”

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get someone else to help you with the attic stuff, (girlfriend or hire someone) or, get a little tree and some ornaments at CVS. If you get someone to help you bring down the attic stuff, don't put the stuff back up there.

The broader issue is to create a LIFE--YOUR LIFE-- where you are not begging your DH to do anything. It is not fair, and it sucks, but it will help YOU feel better and not trapped by needing him to do this sort of stuff.

With respect to household repairs, just get a handyman. That was the best decision I made when I was in your stage of life/marriage/young kids. I had the handyman come when my DH was at work. I even had the handyman set up our (live) Christmas tree. DH would pout that he didn't get to pick it out, but if I waited for him, it would be a New Year's Tree!

+1. I was going to say the exact same things including the fact that it isn’t fair. However, you need to be able to live your life and move forward the same way you would if you were divorced or if your DH was on travel. What would you do in that case? It’s more about not feeling helpless and ultimately getting done what needs to be done rather than putting energy into trying to change someone that isn’t going to change and not having anything to show for it at the end of it.

And if there is anything that impacts your DH directly or solely, do not take it on and let him deal with the consequences of inaction. Like if his parents are coming for Thanksgiving and the bathroom needs to be cleaned and the xyz done, be clear you are doing x and if he wants y done for his parents it’s up to him. Assume he is a competent adult that can get done the things he wants to get done (I assume he has a job where this happens) and keep it moving.

LOL reminds me of a story. My DH's family was visiting and he and I agreed he'd handle takeout for dinner one night. His parents eat at 6, always have. He waited until HE started to get hungry and then tried to order for 10 people. Everyone was hangry but it was his parents explaining that for a large order you need to plan one hour in advance at a minimum that got through to him. He's just very self absorbed, and cannot for the life of him plan backwards the steps that need to occur for dinner to be on the table at a certain time. After that, I realized he wasn't being lazy or passive aggressive, just not capable. I don't consult him in much, just plan the way it needs to be done. He seems relieved to be a follower.

same for my aspie spouse. no clue. just tags along, makes some messes and mess ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d order a new one and have it delivered.

So would I.

[Anonymous]

The million dollar question is whether OP wants to do this now or after Thanksgiving. That will give us a gauge of her mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Fred, I need some help getting items down from the attic. It will take about 15 minutes. What’s a good time for you to do this with me in the next two days?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, can you pick a time? I’m trying to work around your schedule.”

“5:00pm”

“Great. I really appreciate it. 5:00pm.”

Then 5:00 pm comes around and he doesn't bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get someone else to help you with the attic stuff, (girlfriend or hire someone) or, get a little tree and some ornaments at CVS. If you get someone to help you bring down the attic stuff, don't put the stuff back up there.

The broader issue is to create a LIFE--YOUR LIFE-- where you are not begging your DH to do anything. It is not fair, and it sucks, but it will help YOU feel better and not trapped by needing him to do this sort of stuff.

With respect to household repairs, just get a handyman. That was the best decision I made when I was in your stage of life/marriage/young kids. I had the handyman come when my DH was at work. I even had the handyman set up our (live) Christmas tree. DH would pout that he didn't get to pick it out, but if I waited for him, it would be a New Year's Tree!

+1. I was going to say the exact same things including the fact that it isn’t fair. However, you need to be able to live your life and move forward the same way you would if you were divorced or if your DH was on travel. What would you do in that case? It’s more about not feeling helpless and ultimately getting done what needs to be done rather than putting energy into trying to change someone that isn’t going to change and not having anything to show for it at the end of it.

And if there is anything that impacts your DH directly or solely, do not take it on and let him deal with the consequences of inaction. Like if his parents are coming for Thanksgiving and the bathroom needs to be cleaned and the xyz done, be clear you are doing x and if he wants y done for his parents it’s up to him. Assume he is a competent adult that can get done the things he wants to get done (I assume he has a job where this happens) and keep it moving.

LOL reminds me of a story. My DH's family was visiting and he and I agreed he'd handle takeout for dinner one night. His parents eat at 6, always have. He waited until HE started to get hungry and then tried to order for 10 people. Everyone was hangry but it was his parents explaining that for a large order you need to plan one hour in advance at a minimum that got through to him. He's just very self absorbed, and cannot for the life of him plan backwards the steps that need to occur for dinner to be on the table at a certain time. After that, I realized he wasn't being lazy or passive aggressive, just not capable. I don't consult him in much, just plan the way it needs to be done. He seems relieved to be a follower.

Your husband has an executive functioning issue. He can get help for that and become a better person.

[Anonymous]

Why would anyone assume that the OP is a SAHM? All the working moms I know are always complaining about how their husbands do nothing and they constantly overwhelmed with all the tasks at home. SAHM are more prepared for seasonal events such as Christians tree trimming ( see I can make outrageous assumptions too).

[Anonymous]

I find it weird when a wife or husband has a list of things for their husband or wife to do. I would find it so odd for my husband to give me a list of chores or tell me he needs to get x,y, and z done. I would never give him a it’s either.

Do most of your husbands give you lists of things to do? If either of us need a hand with something we ask but we don’t create chore lists for each other!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Fred, I need some help getting items down from the attic. It will take about 15 minutes. What’s a good time for you to do this with me in the next two days?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, can you pick a time? I’m trying to work around your schedule.”

“5:00pm”

“Great. I really appreciate it. 5:00pm.”

Then 5:00 pm comes around and he doesn't bother.

Whether you want to do this or not is up to you. This is not tug of war right? This is family that has to live together. You ask him when is a good time for us to get the stuff out of the attic. Yes, I know. but you go and you kind of help, and take stuff from him down, or you stand there and act like you are doing it together and you hand him a drink that is festive and you start putting the tree up together. OR. And this can work every time. you start doing it yourself. Slowly and loudly. Grunt, and bring one thing down at a time like a branch at a time. and be super inefficient about it and he'll take over in no time. Don't pin him to a time and then put it on him to remember/act at that time.

[Anonymous]

Empowered wife by Laura Doyle