I have to beg or ask my husband 50+ times for everything. what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird when a wife or husband has a list of things for their husband or wife to do. I would find it so odd for my husband to give me a list of chores or tell me he needs to get x,y, and z done. I would never give him a it’s either.

Do most of your husbands give you lists of things to do? If either of us need a hand with something we ask but we don’t create chore lists for each other!

This is what she says she does. She asks for help, he says later or not right now or sure, and then never follows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Fred, I need some help getting items down from the attic. It will take about 15 minutes. What’s a good time for you to do this with me in the next two days?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, can you pick a time? I’m trying to work around your schedule.”

“5:00pm”

“Great. I really appreciate it. 5:00pm.”

Then 5:00 pm comes around and he doesn't bother.

Maybe. But the language was about them doing it together. She can say, “Hey Fred, it’s 5:00pm. This is the time you said you were available to help get the things down from the attic. I’m ready.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t decorate
At all
See if he notices

This is stupid. The children will notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The million dollar question is whether OP wants to do this now or after Thanksgiving. That will give us a gauge of her mental health.

OP here, Xmas tree was just an example of last year. I have not asked yet about this year, waiting until after Thanksgiving but really should have started asking in August if I want any chance before the New Year. He just is stubborn and won't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t decorate
At all
See if he notices

This is stupid. The children will notice.

The children are two and four. Why is it her responsibility to decorate if her husband won’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a lot you ask him to do because you are unable to? I'm not saying that it's an excuse for him to put things off but I wonder if thats part of it. Dh was injured a couple of years ago and I had to do all the heavy lifting. It definitely got tiring and I picked and chose what I did by the end. A lot of stuff got outsourced because I was just tired of doing it all.

No. I ask a few chores and he has issues with all of them.

Get things from attic. (I asked him to leave tree in garage and ornaments so I don't have to ask him and he refused because they take up too much space)
Finish our taxes (I do 99%, last 3 years he just didn't do it and we were penalized)
Handle car stuff which I know nothing about (Waiting 2 years now for a dent to get fixed)

He is completely unorganized.. leaves clothes at dry cleaners for months at a time. Puts kids in car with no socks, shoes or water bottle which we don't realize until we are at destination. Forgets things constantly. Waits until the day of to book a flight for family of 5. Orders furniture and leaves it lying and not put together for 6 months. Starts a household project and never completes it. I always offer to hire and handle a handyman coming and he refuses saying it is a waste of money and is angry if I do ask someone. He will forget to return things that are hundreds of dollars and leave it in his car. He is highly social, in a high level job and makes 300k+ a year no not stupid or incompetent. It is frustrating to me because I have told him I will handle it but tell me and give me notice, don't insist on doing it and don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

Most of the items are in huge tupperware bins that are hard for me to handle especially climbing up and down. He's 6'3, I am 5'2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird when a wife or husband has a list of things for their husband or wife to do. I would find it so odd for my husband to give me a list of chores or tell me he needs to get x,y, and z done. I would never give him a it’s either.

Do most of your husbands give you lists of things to do? If either of us need a hand with something we ask but we don’t create chore lists for each other!

NP. My husband doesn't pay attention to what groceries we need or getting them, laundry, dishes, cleaning, home repairs, what the kids need for school, or basically any household task besides taking the trash out and outsourcing lawncare and fixing the car. I give him lists because if I am going to be the one managing all of this work and doing most of it myself, I am going to tell him what I need him to do. Yes, we both work full-time. No, he doesn't earn more. He is ok with this because it's still the better end of the deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I physically can’t carry the stuff down the narrow little ladder.

Wait--why exactly can't you physically carry stuff down the narrow little ladder? Pretty sure none of this stuff weighs 60+ pounds so unless you have some kind of serious physical limitation I'll bet anything you are as physically capable of this task as he is. Or is he just that much taller than you? Why not make this a team effort anyway and you BOTH haul the stuff down? Safer anyway than one person hauling anything down a ladder. And as for the tree, much easier if one can push it down through the opening with a second below to receive it. So, like, go pull the ladder down and say "Larlo, I need a hand here".

Most of the items are in huge tupperware bins that are hard for me to handle especially climbing up and down. He's 6'3, I am 5'2.

I’m with the PP. why can’t you handle these things? It will be harder for a 6’3” person to navigate narrow stairs than a 5’2” person, and there’s no reason to think a shorter person is less able to carry the average Tupperware bin worth of stuff. I’m certainly willing to believe your DH is annoying, but this scenario makes me really wonder about your relationship and methods. You've really asked him 50 times to do something and not considered an alternative way to address the problem?

[Anonymous]

You need to open the Tupperware bins in the attic and remove the things in smaller batches. Start hiring people because your DH is a lost case. He simply does not care about details, does not like to do admin/chores of any kind. I would sit him down and tell him that you can't continue in this kind of chaos. He has to get on board with outsourcing. If you allow him to continue you are teaching your children that this is the right way to live.

[Anonymous]

The thing that is frustrating is he doesn’t let me do it how I want. Like when I suggest storing the holiday stuff on the garage shelves he has 1 million reasons why that is a bad idea. We ordered a piece of furniture that was missing the hardware and I got all the paperwork done and set up for it to be returned. He fought me tooth and nail to give him a chance to go to a hardware store and buy it. When he couldn’t get the size we needed and the manufacturer said it would be an 8 week delay, he still refused and said to give him a chance instead of returning it for a new one. 2 months later and the bed is still lying in a heap on the floor, unable to be put together and no resolution or follow up to figure out how to get the parts yet he insisted I don’t return it. It’s stuff like this that makes me crazy. He just doesn’t see things all the way through yet wants to control it. Why does he care? Just move out of the way and let me return the thing! We lost almost $1k bc now we are past the return period.

[Anonymous]

Why are you listening to him. Store the Christmas items in the garage if that is easier for you. When you take them down just put them in the garage. Don't discuss it.

Return the items, don't discuss it. You don't need to be able to know about car dents to go to the shop and asked for it to be fixed. If they charge more, well your husband makes a lot, so be it. Get a couple of different quotes if it makes you feel better.

I have no idea why you would get an unorganised person to book flights. It gives me a headache just thinking about it.

I understand its frustrating but being given a chore list for your days off is equally frustrating. You are leaving everything up to him and he doesn't care, forgets, is disinterested. So stop asking for permission and just do what you need to do, you are an adult.

If your kids are young, not decorating for Christmas to make a point to your husband is yucky. Christmas is special for kids, its about them, don't ruin it for them.

I don't see how you can't get into the attic and move smaller items if need be rather than the whole lot at once. It really can't be that hard.

If it takes more time doing these things, then perhaps dinner may need to be take out. Perhaps you don't have time to do his laundry or some other task you may do. There are only so many hours in the day, if you need to spend time on that, let something else unimportant slide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t decorate
At all
See if he notices

Normally I would agree w/this, but considering you have young children then I would not do this.

Hire a hot 🔥personal handyman.
Bonus if he has abs.

This may get your husband to help you out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you listening to him. Store the Christmas items in the garage if that is easier for you. When you take them down just put them in the garage. Don't discuss it.

Return the items, don't discuss it. You don't need to be able to know about car dents to go to the shop and asked for it to be fixed. If they charge more, well your husband makes a lot, so be it. Get a couple of different quotes if it makes you feel better.

I have no idea why you would get an unorganised person to book flights. It gives me a headache just thinking about it.

I understand its frustrating but being given a chore list for your days off is equally frustrating. You are leaving everything up to him and he doesn't care, forgets, is disinterested. So stop asking for permission and just do what you need to do, you are an adult.

If your kids are young, not decorating for Christmas to make a point to your husband is yucky. Christmas is special for kids, its about them, don't ruin it for them.

I don't see how you can't get into the attic and move smaller items if need be rather than the whole lot at once. It really can't be that hard.

If it takes more time doing these things, then perhaps dinner may need to be take out. Perhaps you don't have time to do his laundry or some other task you may do. There are only so many hours in the day, if you need to spend time on that, let something else unimportant slide.

It’s mostly an issue that with 2 young kids, I am completely mentally burned out at the mental and physical load of raising a family. I get frustrated that he can’t *think* about anything. Like it wouldn’t even cross his mind to set up a christmas tree, even on Xmas eve. Everything is done last minute with no consideration. If I didn’t plan the whole thanksgiving we would be eating frozen pizza. He just takes zero initiative for anything and doesn’t realize the hundreds and hundreds of daily considerations and decisions that need to be made with kids. If I died my kids would never go to the dentist again.