WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I got a tip from someone on this forum and it worked pretty well for us.

Have a board in a visible common area with 3 sections: to do, today, done. Then on small post it stickies, write down every thing that needs to get done weekly/daily/monthly. You can color code however works best for you. For me, I color coded by daily vs weekly vs occasional like doctor/dentist appointment and parent teacher meetings. So everything like homework help, wash dishes, mowing lawn, wipe counters, vacuum floors, laundry.

Each morning or late evening, you reset the board with what needs to be done that next day. And whoever completes a task, moves the sticky note to the done section. I really did not have much discussion with DH about it because he is infuriatingly defensive. But this system allowed him to see all the things that need to get done and he can pick and choose what he can do.

So in your situation, I’d tell him the current situation isn’t working for you. That either you go part time or you split responsibilities 50/50. He’ll say you can’t go part time. So then set this system up and then set aside an evening to divvy up 50/50. If he can’t take on half and continue to do so, you go part time.

Oh and I agree with PPs about the laundry. You each should be capable of and doing your own laundry. Essential and basic life skill. Let it pile up until he runs out of clean socks and underwear. He will figure it out.

The people who are saying this kind of thing, just don't get it. HE will let his laundry pile up and buy new boxers and socks before doing it. She doesn't want to live with a pile of a month's worth of dirty laundry in her bedroom, that's why she does it.

Same with scrubbing the toilets, cleaning the showers, changing the sheets, etc. If she wants it done before months go by, she has to do it herself.

Ask me how I know this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those asking why I do his laundry, it's easy enough to throw it in with mine or the kids and I got sick of seeing his mountain of dirty clothes growing in the corner.

At least I've gotten him to pick up after himself, more or less. He used to leave his dirty socks everywhere and his dirty dishes by the sink for me to scrape and stack in the dishwasher. But that took a lot of conversations of me pushing him to do it and him accusing me of nagging and being annoying.

OP, the point is not the laundry. The point is that he doesn't do these things because he knows you will. He may not care about a dirty house, but I guarantee you he won't be putting on dirty underwear when his runs out. Nor will he eat off a dirty plate. Drop some of the things you normally do for him. Let him feel discomfort, even if it means you feel it as well - you're already miserable!

Going part time is a no go if he's not onboard, unfortunately. Even if he's being unfair, this should be a family decision.

PS You are unhappy. He is not pulling his weight as a partner and he refuses to do anything about it. Yell and scream and nag! He does not get to life in comfort while you suffer in silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I got a tip from someone on this forum and it worked pretty well for us.

Have a board in a visible common area with 3 sections: to do, today, done. Then on small post it stickies, write down every thing that needs to get done weekly/daily/monthly. You can color code however works best for you. For me, I color coded by daily vs weekly vs occasional like doctor/dentist appointment and parent teacher meetings. So everything like homework help, wash dishes, mowing lawn, wipe counters, vacuum floors, laundry.

Each morning or late evening, you reset the board with what needs to be done that next day. And whoever completes a task, moves the sticky note to the done section. I really did not have much discussion with DH about it because he is infuriatingly defensive. But this system allowed him to see all the things that need to get done and he can pick and choose what he can do.

So in your situation, I’d tell him the current situation isn’t working for you. That either you go part time or you split responsibilities 50/50. He’ll say you can’t go part time. So then set this system up and then set aside an evening to divvy up 50/50. If he can’t take on half and continue to do so, you go part time.

Oh and I agree with PPs about the laundry. You each should be capable of and doing your own laundry. Essential and basic life skill. Let it pile up until he runs out of clean socks and underwear. He will figure it out.

The people who are saying this kind of thing, just don't get it. HE will let his laundry pile up and buy new boxers and socks before doing it. She doesn't want to live with a pile of a month's worth of dirty laundry in her bedroom, that's why she does it.

Same with scrubbing the toilets, cleaning the showers, changing the sheets, etc. If she wants it done before months go by, she has to do it herself.

Ask me how I know this

And I bet you anything either the OP or this guy's mom buys his underwear.

[Anonymous]

Sit down on a day when no one is stressed and talk about the upcoming week. Put all of the to-dos on the table and who is point on what.

Getting the kids flu shots
Filing dental claims
Attending the parent teacher conference
Planning the birthday party
Figuring out what will you do for Halloween - and executing
Taking car for car wash and oil change …..

There are some work weeks that are easier for me and I can take point for certain thigs. There are emergencies - my DH had a team member who took emergency disability and the plan went off the rails.

The thing is - you need to do this every week. No exceptions. You need to do it at a point when there is low stress so there is no pointing fingers. And reflecting on how the previous week went.

After a few weeks you will either have made progress or not. If not, you have the process in place to discuss changes. You have the master to dos / calendar. When you take something that was assigned to him, write it on the master sheet so that there is a history.

Also for distance learning - you can divide out the work. I am point for 2 kids, my husband is for 1 is an example. Another example - you can take certain subjects or during the day / homework. It does not need to be all or nothing.

Start practicing with the kids as well. It is a joke in our house that my kids will walk past my husband who is sitting reading a book to ask me a question while I am on a call. In the evening we might collectively share the next days plan. I have an early morning commitment - so Dad is point on breakfast.

Good luck. I struggle with this every day - but have changed my mindset and that has helped a lot. [and my husband has kicked in a lot more] He does the dishes every night as well as cooks dinner a few nights a week and finally - he folds the laundry as he did not like how I was doing his t shirts

[Anonymous]

Let him know you are at your end, and you can't do it all, you will either be going part time, or he has to pick up the slack. If he decides to pick up the slack: Do not do his laundry. Do not cook dinner. Do not make the kids lunches. Direct them to their dad if they need help with school, electronics, anything. Schedule doctor's appointments but ask your husband when he can take them, and schedule for then ... and then make him take them. Leave his phone number as the reminder number. Continue to clean because you are the only one who will do it. Do NOT send his family gifts (even at Christmas) or cards. This may not be enough, but it is a start.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation and I started working 80%. I was the maid, the cook, the errand boy, etc. on my day off. And DH would joke about my life of leisure. After a couple of years I realized it was better to outsource all those things and go back to work full-time and mommy track it so I wasn't working such long hours each day.
Why can't you outsource cleaning, laundry, and get more take out?

[Anonymous]

Why does he get a home office and you don’t? You need to divide the DL day in two and have him handle it half the time. Work in the home office during that time or else set up somewhere, anywhere, where you can close the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he get a home office and you don’t? You need to divide the DL day in two and have him handle it half the time. Work in the home office during that time or else set up somewhere, anywhere, where you can close the door.

Agree with this. Maybe each day "are you taking morning shift or afternoon shift?" Absolutely absurd he thinks he should be locked in an office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I got a tip from someone on this forum and it worked pretty well for us.

Have a board in a visible common area with 3 sections: to do, today, done. Then on small post it stickies, write down every thing that needs to get done weekly/daily/monthly. You can color code however works best for you. For me, I color coded by daily vs weekly vs occasional like doctor/dentist appointment and parent teacher meetings. So everything like homework help, wash dishes, mowing lawn, wipe counters, vacuum floors, laundry.

Each morning or late evening, you reset the board with what needs to be done that next day. And whoever completes a task, moves the sticky note to the done section. I really did not have much discussion with DH about it because he is infuriatingly defensive. But this system allowed him to see all the things that need to get done and he can pick and choose what he can do.

So in your situation, I’d tell him the current situation isn’t working for you. That either you go part time or you split responsibilities 50/50. He’ll say you can’t go part time. So then set this system up and then set aside an evening to divvy up 50/50. If he can’t take on half and continue to do so, you go part time.

Oh and I agree with PPs about the laundry. You each should be capable of and doing your own laundry. Essential and basic life skill. Let it pile up until he runs out of clean socks and underwear. He will figure it out.

The people who are saying this kind of thing, just don't get it. HE will let his laundry pile up and buy new boxers and socks before doing it. She doesn't want to live with a pile of a month's worth of dirty laundry in her bedroom, that's why she does it.

Same with scrubbing the toilets, cleaning the showers, changing the sheets, etc. If she wants it done before months go by, she has to do it herself.

Ask me how I know this

You gals have to play the long game. Resist the urge to touch or say anything about the stinky pile of dirty laundry sitting on his closet floor.

You’re not sleeping on it, sitting on it, or bathing in it. Laundry really is one of the few bastions of responsibility that you can teach someone to do independently without great consequences to your quality of life.

[Anonymous]

If he outsources chores, then he just has to pick up more chores from what’s left. He can’t buy his way out of his share of the work. Also, as many PPs have said, stop doing his laundry! He should have a separate laundry hamper for his things, and when that gets full that’s his problem. And get a workspace for yourself that’s more private; either share the office or set up somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but OP you might be better off outsourcing some tasks than going part-time. Hire cleaners, order take out, send laundry out, pay for tutors, etc.

Also cut anything that doesn't make life better for you and the kids. Do nothing extra for your husband and absolutely nothing for his side of the family. If he wants to visit them, then he can do 100% of the work t make that happen and you stay home for a break while he brings the kids. No coordinating with his side of the family for anything, or buying them gifts, or calling on their birthdays. That would cut into your time to get stuff done or take a break.

Please check your mindset. You say you both have to check with each other on purchases over $250, but he's unilaterally deciding to use you for thousands of dollars worth of services each month while happily watching you drown. But you think the real inequity would be you unilaterally moving to part-time work to save your mental health and stability for your kids?

[Anonymous]

Do not let him just shut the door and do his work. If a kid needs something, tell the kid to knock on dads door and ask him to help.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he has coworkers getting laid off and he thinks he might be next. May be working hard to try to prevent this. It is happening frequently these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's super frustrating is that the whole thing is about his perspective that it would be "unfair" for me to work part time while he works full time. It's not really about the money. He just doesn't see all that I do to keep the household running, stuff that would still need to be done if I was home more often. He thinks I'd just be laying around on a break like vacation.

I think it also has a lot to do with your husband being terrified of being the only bread winner. In some ways men want to be your “hero” and then they get spooked and put enormous pressure on themselves. I have been lucky enough to stay home until my kids went to full time school then work part time but it comes with listening to my husband whine about how it isn’t fair, he’s under stress & pressure and then fantasize about how I’m going to work full time to pay for college and support him when he retires first. It’s annoying but I probably will work more for college $ and retire second as I’m younger. It’s all so much a give and take negotiation.

[Anonymous]

This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.