WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time

[Anonymous]

I agree this is non-tenable.

What I would do is push past "I'll do better" as a response to the household stuff. That's useless, as you know. He needs to have a few spheres that he handles 100% completely on his own and you don't touch. Keep in mind - this will be hard for you, as he WILL NOT do them as well as you. You need to be strategic, both of you, as to what these could be. If I were you, I'd go into this with a few ideas of spheres that would work, but I wouldn't name them, at least not to start. Think in terms of consequences for you - if he's in charge of summer camps, they won't happen, and that'll stress you out, so that's off the table. What about laundry? Especially during Covid, that's not a bad place to start - a kid (or you) wearing dirty underwear inside out for a day while the laundry finishes is probably manageable in the short term. Or what about DL? It's elementary school, no one's batting 1000, so maybe that's something he could take on. Cooking? Kids won't die from pancakes and Mac and cheese for a few months. These are just examples - think through what YOU could manage watching him fail at. Then restart the conversation. Here's a basic script:

You: I'm still doing 90% of the kid and household management while we both work, and this is completely unfair. If I'm going to keep doing this, I want to go part time.
Him: No, I don't want to do that. I'll do better about household stuff.
You: Okay. We've had this conversation before, and "better" only lasts a few weeks. I need you to take over a few kid/household tasks for you to handle independently. What are some things you could do?
Him: Umm, I dunno. I could cook sometimes?
You: Great - why don't you take over making breakfasts and lunches for the kids, and providing dinner on Tuesdays and Thursday. Does that work?
Him: Umm, Tuesdays is my favorite TV show.
You: Okay - Mondays and Thursdays. What else?
Him: What else? Umm...I don't know.
You: How about distance learning? Or laundry?
Him: I have too many meetings and I don't know how to do laundry.
You: I can teach you to do laundry this weekend! That's easy.
Him: Okay.

Then... the hard part. Once you show him how to do laundry, tell him to get you a list of what groceries he needs by, say, 10am on Sunday so you can do the shopping, that's IT. You're done.

When you go to put on your second to last pair of underwear or clean shirt, say "hey, FYI, I've got one more pair of underwear left" then say NOTHING. You see the clothes sitting in the wash for two days. You say nothing. Then, when there's no undies left, you walk up to him and say "I don't have any clean underwear" and you just stand there. Wait for HIM to solve the problem. "Um I guess you'll have to wear dirty ones." Okay, then that's what you're doing. At lunchtime, send the kids to him. Kids say "Mom, what's for lunch?" you say "ask dad." He comes out and says "What should I give the kids for lunch?" you say, "I dunno" and go back to what you're doing. He'll have to make a bunch of impromptu grocery store runs. That's life. Give it at least two months. There will be growing pains. But - you get one of two options: 1) Two months later, he's doing it to some basic minimum standard, and you never have to think about those things again. Bliss. Or 2) It's a completely failure and/or he hates it. Well. Now can say "that was a disaster. I'm dropping to PT" and that's that. Win/win.

[Anonymous]

Can you work elsewhere 2-3 days a week and leave him to deal with the home front?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are in elementary, you’re in luck because dropping the ball on distance learning will have zero impact on them long term. Stop helping. Send them to their dad with every problem.

Get out if the kitchen!!!! Seriously. Move into his office. Work from there. If he complains, you use his line “If I don’t get an office, it’s not fair that you get one.”

Reading posts like this about women who let their husbands treat them like work mules, really pisses me off.

+1

100%

OP, you can’t have it both ways. You say you are doing things like cleaning the bathroom etc. because otherwise he won’t do it and you won’t live like that. Well, you have to draw the line somewhere. Make him help with the kids and make him do his own damn laundry. This is such a toxic relationship. You deserve much, much more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is non-tenable.

What I would do is push past "I'll do better" as a response to the household stuff. That's useless, as you know. He needs to have a few spheres that he handles 100% completely on his own and you don't touch. Keep in mind - this will be hard for you, as he WILL NOT do them as well as you. You need to be strategic, both of you, as to what these could be. If I were you, I'd go into this with a few ideas of spheres that would work, but I wouldn't name them, at least not to start. Think in terms of consequences for you - if he's in charge of summer camps, they won't happen, and that'll stress you out, so that's off the table. What about laundry? Especially during Covid, that's not a bad place to start - a kid (or you) wearing dirty underwear inside out for a day while the laundry finishes is probably manageable in the short term. Or what about DL? It's elementary school, no one's batting 1000, so maybe that's something he could take on. Cooking? Kids won't die from pancakes and Mac and cheese for a few months. These are just examples - think through what YOU could manage watching him fail at. Then restart the conversation. Here's a basic script:

You: I'm still doing 90% of the kid and household management while we both work, and this is completely unfair. If I'm going to keep doing this, I want to go part time.
Him: No, I don't want to do that. I'll do better about household stuff.
You: Okay. We've had this conversation before, and "better" only lasts a few weeks. I need you to take over a few kid/household tasks for you to handle independently. What are some things you could do?
Him: Umm, I dunno. I could cook sometimes?
You: Great - why don't you take over making breakfasts and lunches for the kids, and providing dinner on Tuesdays and Thursday. Does that work?
Him: Umm, Tuesdays is my favorite TV show.
You: Okay - Mondays and Thursdays. What else?
Him: What else? Umm...I don't know.
You: How about distance learning? Or laundry?
Him: I have too many meetings and I don't know how to do laundry.
You: I can teach you to do laundry this weekend! That's easy.
Him: Okay.

Then... the hard part. Once you show him how to do laundry, tell him to get you a list of what groceries he needs by, say, 10am on Sunday so you can do the shopping, that's IT. You're done.

When you go to put on your second to last pair of underwear or clean shirt, say "hey, FYI, I've got one more pair of underwear left" then say NOTHING. You see the clothes sitting in the wash for two days. You say nothing. Then, when there's no undies left, you walk up to him and say "I don't have any clean underwear" and you just stand there. Wait for HIM to solve the problem. "Um I guess you'll have to wear dirty ones." Okay, then that's what you're doing. At lunchtime, send the kids to him. Kids say "Mom, what's for lunch?" you say "ask dad." He comes out and says "What should I give the kids for lunch?" you say, "I dunno" and go back to what you're doing. He'll have to make a bunch of impromptu grocery store runs. That's life. Give it at least two months. There will be growing pains. But - you get one of two options: 1) Two months later, he's doing it to some basic minimum standard, and you never have to think about those things again. Bliss. Or 2) It's a completely failure and/or he hates it. Well. Now can say "that was a disaster. I'm dropping to PT" and that's that. Win/win.

I did this. I really did (in part because I had to as a junior associate in biglaw). He didn't start doing better a few months later, we just started living in the endless chaos of dirty underwear and emergency grocery store runs. Oh, and anything that he takes over, he magically finds the money to outsource. Like laundry, which was supposed to be his thing. Today's panic was getting laundry to the laundry service pickup truck because he forgot to set it out last night.

[Anonymous]

Stop doing his laundry ffs.

Write a list of all tasks and sit down and divide them fairly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is non-tenable.

What I would do is push past "I'll do better" as a response to the household stuff. That's useless, as you know. He needs to have a few spheres that he handles 100% completely on his own and you don't touch. Keep in mind - this will be hard for you, as he WILL NOT do them as well as you. You need to be strategic, both of you, as to what these could be. If I were you, I'd go into this with a few ideas of spheres that would work, but I wouldn't name them, at least not to start. Think in terms of consequences for you - if he's in charge of summer camps, they won't happen, and that'll stress you out, so that's off the table. What about laundry? Especially during Covid, that's not a bad place to start - a kid (or you) wearing dirty underwear inside out for a day while the laundry finishes is probably manageable in the short term. Or what about DL? It's elementary school, no one's batting 1000, so maybe that's something he could take on. Cooking? Kids won't die from pancakes and Mac and cheese for a few months. These are just examples - think through what YOU could manage watching him fail at. Then restart the conversation. Here's a basic script:

You: I'm still doing 90% of the kid and household management while we both work, and this is completely unfair. If I'm going to keep doing this, I want to go part time.
Him: No, I don't want to do that. I'll do better about household stuff.
You: Okay. We've had this conversation before, and "better" only lasts a few weeks. I need you to take over a few kid/household tasks for you to handle independently. What are some things you could do?
Him: Umm, I dunno. I could cook sometimes?
You: Great - why don't you take over making breakfasts and lunches for the kids, and providing dinner on Tuesdays and Thursday. Does that work?
Him: Umm, Tuesdays is my favorite TV show.
You: Okay - Mondays and Thursdays. What else?
Him: What else? Umm...I don't know.
You: How about distance learning? Or laundry?
Him: I have too many meetings and I don't know how to do laundry.
You: I can teach you to do laundry this weekend! That's easy.
Him: Okay.

Then... the hard part. Once you show him how to do laundry, tell him to get you a list of what groceries he needs by, say, 10am on Sunday so you can do the shopping, that's IT. You're done.

When you go to put on your second to last pair of underwear or clean shirt, say "hey, FYI, I've got one more pair of underwear left" then say NOTHING. You see the clothes sitting in the wash for two days. You say nothing. Then, when there's no undies left, you walk up to him and say "I don't have any clean underwear" and you just stand there. Wait for HIM to solve the problem. "Um I guess you'll have to wear dirty ones." Okay, then that's what you're doing. At lunchtime, send the kids to him. Kids say "Mom, what's for lunch?" you say "ask dad." He comes out and says "What should I give the kids for lunch?" you say, "I dunno" and go back to what you're doing. He'll have to make a bunch of impromptu grocery store runs. That's life. Give it at least two months. There will be growing pains. But - you get one of two options: 1) Two months later, he's doing it to some basic minimum standard, and you never have to think about those things again. Bliss. Or 2) It's a completely failure and/or he hates it. Well. Now can say "that was a disaster. I'm dropping to PT" and that's that. Win/win.

I did this. I really did (in part because I had to as a junior associate in biglaw). He didn't start doing better a few months later, we just started living in the endless chaos of dirty underwear and emergency grocery store runs. Oh, and anything that he takes over, he magically finds the money to outsource. Like laundry, which was supposed to be his thing. Today's panic was getting laundry to the laundry service pickup truck because he forgot to set it out last night.

OP here. This is exactly what my H would do. That's kind of why I feel so resentful about the part time thing. It's not really about the money with him, it's more his perception of "fairness" and that I'd be getting something he wouldn't and really values (more time off work). Of course, if it were him working part time, he'd be using his increased free time to play more golf and video games, not cleaning or teaching the kids.

Do you feel happier not having to worry about the laundry or no?

[Anonymous]

To all those asking why I do his laundry, it's easy enough to throw it in with mine or the kids and I got sick of seeing his mountain of dirty clothes growing in the corner.

At least I've gotten him to pick up after himself, more or less. He used to leave his dirty socks everywhere and his dirty dishes by the sink for me to scrape and stack in the dishwasher. But that took a lot of conversations of me pushing him to do it and him accusing me of nagging and being annoying.

[Anonymous]

Focus on the now, OP. Are you actually doing these things:
"you know the endless details I mean: when to sign the kids up for summer camp, when to schedule their dentist and doctor appointments, when to change their wardrobes, who to call for playdates and activities, etc. etc. If I left this stuff up to him, it just wouldn't get done and they would be shut out of summer camp and never have playdates"

Let all of that, except the doctors, go for now. Focus on the house and immediate family needs. Tell him you are not getting work done in the kitchen, and that you may lose your job altogether if something doesn't give. Tell him you need to take over the office for a while, and he needs to work in the kitchen with the kids. Then lock that office door for 8 hours every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stand up for yourself.

1. If both of you can’t have a home office, he cannot have a home office. Open that door and send the kids in there!

2. Stop doing his laundry.

This!!! So much this to 1 and 2. And I’m someone who does the laundry for my whole family and always has regardless of how many hours I was working (over the course of our marriage I’ve done everything from 80 hours per week pre-kids to staying home for one year at one point). I had to go part-time shortly after schools closed. My husband was 100% on board with it but was also 100% supportive of trying to come up with creative ways to better enable me to stay full-time if that was my preference. Show him how much you do by not doing some of it. Starting with his laundry!! And yes, demand that you switch off who gets the office and who gets to sit with the kids!

[Anonymous]

OP that was me pre-COVID. I always worked full-time from home. Now I stay up in my attic office and my husband is doing everything for a change. After 15 years with kids, he finally sees how much sh@t I did on top of my full-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all those asking why I do his laundry, it's easy enough to throw it in with mine or the kids and I got sick of seeing his mountain of dirty clothes growing in the corner.

At least I've gotten him to pick up after himself, more or less. He used to leave his dirty socks everywhere and his dirty dishes by the sink for me to scrape and stack in the dishwasher. But that took a lot of conversations of me pushing him to do it and him accusing me of nagging and being annoying.

OP, I'm sorry. I cannot image any of the males in my family treating their families with this much disrespect. He acts like a bachelor whose mother coddled him, not a parent in a functioning family. Can you send him to parenting classes?

[Anonymous]

Op, I got a tip from someone on this forum and it worked pretty well for us.

Have a board in a visible common area with 3 sections: to do, today, done. Then on small post it stickies, write down every thing that needs to get done weekly/daily/monthly. You can color code however works best for you. For me, I color coded by daily vs weekly vs occasional like doctor/dentist appointment and parent teacher meetings. So everything like homework help, wash dishes, mowing lawn, wipe counters, vacuum floors, laundry.

Each morning or late evening, you reset the board with what needs to be done that next day. And whoever completes a task, moves the sticky note to the done section. I really did not have much discussion with DH about it because he is infuriatingly defensive. But this system allowed him to see all the things that need to get done and he can pick and choose what he can do.

So in your situation, I’d tell him the current situation isn’t working for you. That either you go part time or you split responsibilities 50/50. He’ll say you can’t go part time. So then set this system up and then set aside an evening to divvy up 50/50. If he can’t take on half and continue to do so, you go part time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I got a tip from someone on this forum and it worked pretty well for us.

Have a board in a visible common area with 3 sections: to do, today, done. Then on small post it stickies, write down every thing that needs to get done weekly/daily/monthly. You can color code however works best for you. For me, I color coded by daily vs weekly vs occasional like doctor/dentist appointment and parent teacher meetings. So everything like homework help, wash dishes, mowing lawn, wipe counters, vacuum floors, laundry.

Each morning or late evening, you reset the board with what needs to be done that next day. And whoever completes a task, moves the sticky note to the done section. I really did not have much discussion with DH about it because he is infuriatingly defensive. But this system allowed him to see all the things that need to get done and he can pick and choose what he can do.

So in your situation, I’d tell him the current situation isn’t working for you. That either you go part time or you split responsibilities 50/50. He’ll say you can’t go part time. So then set this system up and then set aside an evening to divvy up 50/50. If he can’t take on half and continue to do so, you go part time.

Oh and I agree with PPs about the laundry. You each should be capable of and doing your own laundry. Essential and basic life skill. Let it pile up until he runs out of clean socks and underwear. He will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all those asking why I do his laundry, it's easy enough to throw it in with mine or the kids and I got sick of seeing his mountain of dirty clothes growing in the corner.

At least I've gotten him to pick up after himself, more or less. He used to leave his dirty socks everywhere and his dirty dishes by the sink for me to scrape and stack in the dishwasher. But that took a lot of conversations of me pushing him to do it and him accusing me of nagging and being annoying.

OP, the point is not the laundry. The point is that he doesn't do these things because he knows you will. He may not care about a dirty house, but I guarantee you he won't be putting on dirty underwear when his runs out. Nor will he eat off a dirty plate. Drop some of the things you normally do for him. Let him feel discomfort, even if it means you feel it as well - you're already miserable!

Going part time is a no go if he's not onboard, unfortunately. Even if he's being unfair, this should be a family decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is non-tenable.

What I would do is push past "I'll do better" as a response to the household stuff. That's useless, as you know. He needs to have a few spheres that he handles 100% completely on his own and you don't touch. Keep in mind - this will be hard for you, as he WILL NOT do them as well as you. You need to be strategic, both of you, as to what these could be. If I were you, I'd go into this with a few ideas of spheres that would work, but I wouldn't name them, at least not to start. Think in terms of consequences for you - if he's in charge of summer camps, they won't happen, and that'll stress you out, so that's off the table. What about laundry? Especially during Covid, that's not a bad place to start - a kid (or you) wearing dirty underwear inside out for a day while the laundry finishes is probably manageable in the short term. Or what about DL? It's elementary school, no one's batting 1000, so maybe that's something he could take on. Cooking? Kids won't die from pancakes and Mac and cheese for a few months. These are just examples - think through what YOU could manage watching him fail at. Then restart the conversation. Here's a basic script:

You: I'm still doing 90% of the kid and household management while we both work, and this is completely unfair. If I'm going to keep doing this, I want to go part time.
Him: No, I don't want to do that. I'll do better about household stuff.
You: Okay. We've had this conversation before, and "better" only lasts a few weeks. I need you to take over a few kid/household tasks for you to handle independently. What are some things you could do?
Him: Umm, I dunno. I could cook sometimes?
You: Great - why don't you take over making breakfasts and lunches for the kids, and providing dinner on Tuesdays and Thursday. Does that work?
Him: Umm, Tuesdays is my favorite TV show.
You: Okay - Mondays and Thursdays. What else?
Him: What else? Umm...I don't know.
You: How about distance learning? Or laundry?
Him: I have too many meetings and I don't know how to do laundry.
You: I can teach you to do laundry this weekend! That's easy.
Him: Okay.

Then... the hard part. Once you show him how to do laundry, tell him to get you a list of what groceries he needs by, say, 10am on Sunday so you can do the shopping, that's IT. You're done.

When you go to put on your second to last pair of underwear or clean shirt, say "hey, FYI, I've got one more pair of underwear left" then say NOTHING. You see the clothes sitting in the wash for two days. You say nothing. Then, when there's no undies left, you walk up to him and say "I don't have any clean underwear" and you just stand there. Wait for HIM to solve the problem. "Um I guess you'll have to wear dirty ones." Okay, then that's what you're doing. At lunchtime, send the kids to him. Kids say "Mom, what's for lunch?" you say "ask dad." He comes out and says "What should I give the kids for lunch?" you say, "I dunno" and go back to what you're doing. He'll have to make a bunch of impromptu grocery store runs. That's life. Give it at least two months. There will be growing pains. But - you get one of two options: 1) Two months later, he's doing it to some basic minimum standard, and you never have to think about those things again. Bliss. Or 2) It's a completely failure and/or he hates it. Well. Now can say "that was a disaster. I'm dropping to PT" and that's that. Win/win.

I did this. I really did (in part because I had to as a junior associate in biglaw). He didn't start doing better a few months later, we just started living in the endless chaos of dirty underwear and emergency grocery store runs. Oh, and anything that he takes over, he magically finds the money to outsource. Like laundry, which was supposed to be his thing. Today's panic was getting laundry to the laundry service pickup truck because he forgot to set it out last night.

OP here. This is exactly what my H would do. That's kind of why I feel so resentful about the part time thing. It's not really about the money with him, it's more his perception of "fairness" and that I'd be getting something he wouldn't and really values (more time off work). Of course, if it were him working part time, he'd be using his increased free time to play more golf and video games, not cleaning or teaching the kids.

Do you feel happier not having to worry about the laundry or no?

Yes I feel happier but mind you half the time I’m the one shouting “the laundry service is here oh god where are the bags?!” So it isn’t so much that he took it over, but that he felt responsible enough for it to hire help.