WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

The problem is that full time work is 40-50 hours per week. Men and women should both only have to work 25-30 hours per week to support themselves. Firstly, middle class people don’t need all the garbage they think they do. I know couples who are stressed and spend zero time with their kids so they can have two nice cars, endless camps and classes, fancy vacations, 4,000 sq ft home, etc. They aren’t happy, but think they are chasing happiness. If they made half what they did, they could spend more time together, slow down and have more patience and time with the kids, and have fewer but more meaningful trips (because they wouldn’t have to set aside time to do work email, etc.). This is the trap of capitalism. Now, for people with less means, both do have to work because housing is too expensive, healthcare is absolutely ridiculous, and college is now $300,000. WTF. The whole system is broken. It’s not that women are shafted. We’re all shafted. I say this as a SAHM. I opted out of this crap and we live modestly compared to how my parents and peers live. But damn if life isn’t pretty sweet for us right now. Of course I’m stressed thinking about other people, but I have a very, very hard time feeling sorry for the stressed parents of my kids’ friends who have a HHI $300-600k when the solution is so very simple. They didn’t even seem happy pre-Covid. It was like rush-rush-complain-god my kids drive me nuts-weekends are sooo busy-oh the roofer is coming and I have to redecorate the living room. I mean, dude, step off the hamster wheel, you’re rich. That’s the point of being rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

The problem is that full time work is 40-50 hours per week. Men and women should both only have to work 25-30 hours per week to support themselves. Firstly, middle class people don’t need all the garbage they think they do. I know couples who are stressed and spend zero time with their kids so they can have two nice cars, endless camps and classes, fancy vacations, 4,000 sq ft home, etc. They aren’t happy, but think they are chasing happiness. If they made half what they did, they could spend more time together, slow down and have more patience and time with the kids, and have fewer but more meaningful trips (because they wouldn’t have to set aside time to do work email, etc.). This is the trap of capitalism. Now, for people with less means, both do have to work because housing is too expensive, healthcare is absolutely ridiculous, and college is now $300,000. WTF. The whole system is broken. It’s not that women are shafted. We’re all shafted. I say this as a SAHM. I opted out of this crap and we live modestly compared to how my parents and peers live. But damn if life isn’t pretty sweet for us right now. Of course I’m stressed thinking about other people, but I have a very, very hard time feeling sorry for the stressed parents of my kids’ friends who have a HHI $300-600k when the solution is so very simple. They didn’t even seem happy pre-Covid. It was like rush-rush-complain-god my kids drive me nuts-weekends are sooo busy-oh the roofer is coming and I have to redecorate the living room. I mean, dude, step off the hamster wheel, you’re rich. That’s the point of being rich.

This is so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

The problem is that full time work is 40-50 hours per week. Men and women should both only have to work 25-30 hours per week to support themselves. Firstly, middle class people don’t need all the garbage they think they do. I know couples who are stressed and spend zero time with their kids so they can have two nice cars, endless camps and classes, fancy vacations, 4,000 sq ft home, etc. They aren’t happy, but think they are chasing happiness. If they made half what they did, they could spend more time together, slow down and have more patience and time with the kids, and have fewer but more meaningful trips (because they wouldn’t have to set aside time to do work email, etc.). This is the trap of capitalism. Now, for people with less means, both do have to work because housing is too expensive, healthcare is absolutely ridiculous, and college is now $300,000. WTF. The whole system is broken. It’s not that women are shafted. We’re all shafted. I say this as a SAHM. I opted out of this crap and we live modestly compared to how my parents and peers live. But damn if life isn’t pretty sweet for us right now. Of course I’m stressed thinking about other people, but I have a very, very hard time feeling sorry for the stressed parents of my kids’ friends who have a HHI $300-600k when the solution is so very simple. They didn’t even seem happy pre-Covid. It was like rush-rush-complain-god my kids drive me nuts-weekends are sooo busy-oh the roofer is coming and I have to redecorate the living room. I mean, dude, step off the hamster wheel, you’re rich. That’s the point of being rich.

You don't even have to make half the money to do this. We decreased our hamster wheel stress simply by buying a cheaper house that isn't an albatross around our necks. Also inexpensive cars. Absolutely rejecting lifestyle inflation. Having low monthly expenses = far less mental stress. Like you say--that's the point of being rich!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please read this post as trying to be helpful as we battled similar and I finally feel like we have a great balance. I don't want to come across as a know-it-all.

Here is our set-up. We have a 2.5yo and I'm pregnant with number 2.

-DH works full time from home indefinitely now. Cutting out his commute has allowed him an extra hour-hour and a half with us per day which is great!
-I work from home part time and make my own schedule but roughly averages to 25 hours per week.
-We have childcare 12 hours per week (3 mornings) to cover half my schedule. The other 12ish hours I make up during naps, after bedtime, and on weekend mornings.
- I do all of my laundry and child-related laundry, I've never touched DH's.
-I do all of the day to day cleaning (sweeping, wiping counters, dishwasher, toilets, swiffer, etc). DH spends and hour every Sunday washing the floors.
-We have a lawn/leave service
-I cook dinner every other night, but make enough for 2 nights. DH cleans up dinner every night.
-Dh does all of DD's nightly baths. It's their special time when he gets off work everyday.
-We take a 1 hour family walk every night before doing bedtime which has been a great time to catch up and all bond
-I do all logistics to DD (appointments, seasonal clothes, diapers, etc)
-DH does all logistics for the dog (buying food, vet, tick prevention, heart worm meds, etc)

Somehow this leaves Dh and I spending quality time together most nights 8-10pm which we both really value.

Obviously our world is about to be shaken up with baby 2 lol

I’m glad that you have a nice set up, but — and this is a big BUT — things are exponentially more difficult with 3 children. In my circles, the third child is usually when the mom starts stops working because they cannot take it anymore. It’s fairly easy to divide tasks with one child, still doable with 2 and complete insanity with 3. Many men have a ceiling of how much they will help, regardless of how much work needs to be done. It’s the “I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest” attitude that really makes 2 working parents untenable for bigger families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he has coworkers getting laid off and he thinks he might be next. May be working hard to try to prevent this. It is happening frequently these days.

Then he better get used to cooking dinner, doing laundry and being present for the kids. You can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

The problem is that full time work is 40-50 hours per week. Men and women should both only have to work 25-30 hours per week to support themselves. Firstly, middle class people don’t need all the garbage they think they do. I know couples who are stressed and spend zero time with their kids so they can have two nice cars, endless camps and classes, fancy vacations, 4,000 sq ft home, etc. They aren’t happy, but think they are chasing happiness. If they made half what they did, they could spend more time together, slow down and have more patience and time with the kids, and have fewer but more meaningful trips (because they wouldn’t have to set aside time to do work email, etc.). This is the trap of capitalism. Now, for people with less means, both do have to work because housing is too expensive, healthcare is absolutely ridiculous, and college is now $300,000. WTF. The whole system is broken. It’s not that women are shafted. We’re all shafted. I say this as a SAHM. I opted out of this crap and we live modestly compared to how my parents and peers live. But damn if life isn’t pretty sweet for us right now. Of course I’m stressed thinking about other people, but I have a very, very hard time feeling sorry for the stressed parents of my kids’ friends who have a HHI $300-600k when the solution is so very simple. They didn’t even seem happy pre-Covid. It was like rush-rush-complain-god my kids drive me nuts-weekends are sooo busy-oh the roofer is coming and I have to redecorate the living room. I mean, dude, step off the hamster wheel, you’re rich. That’s the point of being rich.

You don't even have to make half the money to do this. We decreased our hamster wheel stress simply by buying a cheaper house that isn't an albatross around our necks. Also inexpensive cars. Absolutely rejecting lifestyle inflation. Having low monthly expenses = far less mental stress. Like you say--that's the point of being rich!

Part of the problem is most people need to work a job that supplies health insurance. That means that one parent automatically is on that hamster wheel. It's a shambolic way for the richest country on earth to "take care of its citizen", though I suppose we all know that's not what the government is really for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this has been an on going issue but has really ramped up since Covid. I do the vast majority of chores around the house and do most of the organization and hand holding related to DL. This has always been the case even pre-Covid (I did most of the school stuff back then which wasn't as bad when it was in person). I also work full time.

I could easily go part time but my husband refuses to sign off on this! His reasoning is that if we both can't work part time and still pay the mortgage and bills, then neither of us should get to do it. He's the kind of guy who thinks SAHMs are only for rich people and that they live fabulous lives of leisure. So SAHM is out but I would like to go part time so I would have more balance in my life. As it is right now, I run myself ragged doing for everyone else and never for myself.

Every time we have this conversation, I bring up the fact that I do more around the house and with the kids. Sometimes I'll get him to concede on this point and he'll promise to do better but then he always ends up backsliding after a few weeks. He just doesn't keep all the details in his head like I do (you know the endless details I mean: when to sign the kids up for summer camp, when to schedule their dentist and doctor appointments, when to change their wardrobes, who to call for playdates and activities, etc. etc. If I left this stuff up to him, it just wouldn't get done and they would be shut out of summer camp and never have playdates). I do it because I have to though, because I know he doesn't, and someone has to do it.

So what would you do in this situation? Do you think it's fair that he refuses to agree that I go part time? Should I just do it anyway and let him get used to it? What would you say to him?

Sorry, but didn't being a WOHM give you more choices than a SAHM? Use your superpower WOHM choices and do what you want to do. I would suggest divorcing him.

Sheesh! You would think that these WOHMs would pick a better class of men to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please read this post as trying to be helpful as we battled similar and I finally feel like we have a great balance. I don't want to come across as a know-it-all.

Here is our set-up. We have a 2.5yo and I'm pregnant with number 2.

-DH works full time from home indefinitely now. Cutting out his commute has allowed him an extra hour-hour and a half with us per day which is great!
-I work from home part time and make my own schedule but roughly averages to 25 hours per week.
-We have childcare 12 hours per week (3 mornings) to cover half my schedule. The other 12ish hours I make up during naps, after bedtime, and on weekend mornings.
- I do all of my laundry and child-related laundry, I've never touched DH's.
-I do all of the day to day cleaning (sweeping, wiping counters, dishwasher, toilets, swiffer, etc). DH spends and hour every Sunday washing the floors.
-We have a lawn/leave service
-I cook dinner every other night, but make enough for 2 nights. DH cleans up dinner every night.
-Dh does all of DD's nightly baths. It's their special time when he gets off work everyday.
-We take a 1 hour family walk every night before doing bedtime which has been a great time to catch up and all bond
-I do all logistics to DD (appointments, seasonal clothes, diapers, etc)
-DH does all logistics for the dog (buying food, vet, tick prevention, heart worm meds, etc)

Somehow this leaves Dh and I spending quality time together most nights 8-10pm which we both really value.

Obviously our world is about to be shaken up with baby 2 lol

I’m glad that you have a nice set up, but — and this is a big BUT — things are exponentially more difficult with 3 children. In my circles, the third child is usually when the mom starts stops working because they cannot take it anymore. It’s fairly easy to divide tasks with one child, still doable with 2 and complete insanity with 3. Many men have a ceiling of how much they will help, regardless of how much work needs to be done. It’s the “I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest” attitude that really makes 2 working parents untenable for bigger families.

You choose to have three kids. I don't get parents of three kids commenting when it was their choice. Likewise with two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

The problem is that full time work is 40-50 hours per week. Men and women should both only have to work 25-30 hours per week to support themselves. Firstly, middle class people don’t need all the garbage they think they do. I know couples who are stressed and spend zero time with their kids so they can have two nice cars, endless camps and classes, fancy vacations, 4,000 sq ft home, etc. They aren’t happy, but think they are chasing happiness. If they made half what they did, they could spend more time together, slow down and have more patience and time with the kids, and have fewer but more meaningful trips (because they wouldn’t have to set aside time to do work email, etc.). This is the trap of capitalism. Now, for people with less means, both do have to work because housing is too expensive, healthcare is absolutely ridiculous, and college is now $300,000. WTF. The whole system is broken. It’s not that women are shafted. We’re all shafted. I say this as a SAHM. I opted out of this crap and we live modestly compared to how my parents and peers live. But damn if life isn’t pretty sweet for us right now. Of course I’m stressed thinking about other people, but I have a very, very hard time feeling sorry for the stressed parents of my kids’ friends who have a HHI $300-600k when the solution is so very simple. They didn’t even seem happy pre-Covid. It was like rush-rush-complain-god my kids drive me nuts-weekends are sooo busy-oh the roofer is coming and I have to redecorate the living room. I mean, dude, step off the hamster wheel, you’re rich. That’s the point of being rich.

You don't even have to make half the money to do this. We decreased our hamster wheel stress simply by buying a cheaper house that isn't an albatross around our necks. Also inexpensive cars. Absolutely rejecting lifestyle inflation. Having low monthly expenses = far less mental stress. Like you say--that's the point of being rich!

+1, you create your own difficulties. We got a very cheap small house. We DIY most things. We have told our kids we will pay for state college and graduate school and have saved for it. You choose your lifestyle and expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

The problem is that full time work is 40-50 hours per week. Men and women should both only have to work 25-30 hours per week to support themselves. Firstly, middle class people don’t need all the garbage they think they do. I know couples who are stressed and spend zero time with their kids so they can have two nice cars, endless camps and classes, fancy vacations, 4,000 sq ft home, etc. They aren’t happy, but think they are chasing happiness. If they made half what they did, they could spend more time together, slow down and have more patience and time with the kids, and have fewer but more meaningful trips (because they wouldn’t have to set aside time to do work email, etc.). This is the trap of capitalism. Now, for people with less means, both do have to work because housing is too expensive, healthcare is absolutely ridiculous, and college is now $300,000. WTF. The whole system is broken. It’s not that women are shafted. We’re all shafted. I say this as a SAHM. I opted out of this crap and we live modestly compared to how my parents and peers live. But damn if life isn’t pretty sweet for us right now. Of course I’m stressed thinking about other people, but I have a very, very hard time feeling sorry for the stressed parents of my kids’ friends who have a HHI $300-600k when the solution is so very simple. They didn’t even seem happy pre-Covid. It was like rush-rush-complain-god my kids drive me nuts-weekends are sooo busy-oh the roofer is coming and I have to redecorate the living room. I mean, dude, step off the hamster wheel, you’re rich. That’s the point of being rich.

You don't even have to make half the money to do this. We decreased our hamster wheel stress simply by buying a cheaper house that isn't an albatross around our necks. Also inexpensive cars. Absolutely rejecting lifestyle inflation. Having low monthly expenses = far less mental stress. Like you say--that's the point of being rich!

+1, you create your own difficulties. We got a very cheap small house. We DIY most things. We have told our kids we will pay for state college and graduate school and have saved for it. You choose your lifestyle and expenses.

NP here. I agree and disagree with somethings here. Agree with the fact that the women are expected to contribute in the traditional (giving birth, childcare, social obligations, running the household) as well as the non-traditional role (earning a full paycheck while being paid less than men). I also agree that USA is specially anti-motherhood in its corporate policies. It is unlike anything I have seen having come from a 3rd world country when the maternity leave and family leave is awesome and there is transperancy in wages. You basically know what everyone is making.

I also agree that people can live more frugally. I also feel that people can have less children - 1 or 2 only.

BUT - I feel that USA rising cost of living, healthcare, good education, expensive colleges, and retirement (without pensions) and insistance of lower taxes has only helped the rich Republicans. And most of the working class cannot live any other way but on the hamster wheel.

I also feel bad that because of women - unfriendly work place and policies, women are opting out from the workplace. Can you imagine how backward this country will become if the talents of 50% of the population is never allowed to flourish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

+3

The problem is that full time work is 40-50 hours per week. Men and women should both only have to work 25-30 hours per week to support themselves. Firstly, middle class people don’t need all the garbage they think they do. I know couples who are stressed and spend zero time with their kids so they can have two nice cars, endless camps and classes, fancy vacations, 4,000 sq ft home, etc. They aren’t happy, but think they are chasing happiness. If they made half what they did, they could spend more time together, slow down and have more patience and time with the kids, and have fewer but more meaningful trips (because they wouldn’t have to set aside time to do work email, etc.). This is the trap of capitalism. Now, for people with less means, both do have to work because housing is too expensive, healthcare is absolutely ridiculous, and college is now $300,000. WTF. The whole system is broken. It’s not that women are shafted. We’re all shafted. I say this as a SAHM. I opted out of this crap and we live modestly compared to how my parents and peers live. But damn if life isn’t pretty sweet for us right now. Of course I’m stressed thinking about other people, but I have a very, very hard time feeling sorry for the stressed parents of my kids’ friends who have a HHI $300-600k when the solution is so very simple. They didn’t even seem happy pre-Covid. It was like rush-rush-complain-god my kids drive me nuts-weekends are sooo busy-oh the roofer is coming and I have to redecorate the living room. I mean, dude, step off the hamster wheel, you’re rich. That’s the point of being rich.

You don't even have to make half the money to do this. We decreased our hamster wheel stress simply by buying a cheaper house that isn't an albatross around our necks. Also inexpensive cars. Absolutely rejecting lifestyle inflation. Having low monthly expenses = far less mental stress. Like you say--that's the point of being rich!

+1, you create your own difficulties. We got a very cheap small house. We DIY most things. We have told our kids we will pay for state college and graduate school and have saved for it. You choose your lifestyle and expenses.

NP here. I agree and disagree with somethings here. Agree with the fact that the women are expected to contribute in the traditional (giving birth, childcare, social obligations, running the household) as well as the non-traditional role (earning a full paycheck while being paid less than men). I also agree that USA is specially anti-motherhood in its corporate policies. It is unlike anything I have seen having come from a 3rd world country when the maternity leave and family leave is awesome and there is transperancy in wages. You basically know what everyone is making.

I also agree that people can live more frugally. I also feel that people can have less children - 1 or 2 only.

BUT - I feel that USA rising cost of living, healthcare, good education, expensive colleges, and retirement (without pensions) and insistance of lower taxes has only helped the rich Republicans. And most of the working class cannot live any other way but on the hamster wheel.

I also feel bad that because of women - unfriendly work place and policies, women are opting out from the workplace. Can you imagine how backward this country will become if the talents of 50% of the population is never allowed to flourish?

Of course this is true. But we are talking here about people who choose to live in expensive houses, take nice vacations, pay for private school, etc., and then are miserable with two parents working full time in stressful jobs. Obviously, the situation is much more dire for families where both parents need to work to maintain the bare minimum.

[Anonymous]

If you're working 40 hours a week go to 30 or 35 hours. Do you have to be full-time to maintain any benefits needed for your family such as health insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I shouldn't say he does nothing. He does the typical guy stuff. Takes out the trash, mows the lawn. He very occasionally grocery shops but I have to make the list and put everything away because he does such a crappy job with it. I literally do everything else, including his laundry.

Stop. Just stop doing everything, especially his laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're working 40 hours a week go to 30 or 35 hours. Do you have to be full-time to maintain any benefits needed for your family such as health insurance?

In what world can you do this? I used to work part-time and it just kept creeping up until I was working 45-50 hours anyway but not getting the full benefits offered.