WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

[Anonymous]

Just to part time and let him whine and complain about it. What is he gonna do, move out? Well good luck to him.

[Anonymous]

This is quite likely a financial issue, which OP has yet to address. Do you have a complete budget that can afford you ramping to PT? What financial goals do you have now that will need to pause or change? This is probably not about housework in the husband’s mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I got a tip from someone on this forum and it worked pretty well for us.

Have a board in a visible common area with 3 sections: to do, today, done. Then on small post it stickies, write down every thing that needs to get done weekly/daily/monthly. You can color code however works best for you. For me, I color coded by daily vs weekly vs occasional like doctor/dentist appointment and parent teacher meetings. So everything like homework help, wash dishes, mowing lawn, wipe counters, vacuum floors, laundry.

Each morning or late evening, you reset the board with what needs to be done that next day. And whoever completes a task, moves the sticky note to the done section. I really did not have much discussion with DH about it because he is infuriatingly defensive. But this system allowed him to see all the things that need to get done and he can pick and choose what he can do.

So in your situation, I’d tell him the current situation isn’t working for you. That either you go part time or you split responsibilities 50/50. He’ll say you can’t go part time. So then set this system up and then set aside an evening to divvy up 50/50. If he can’t take on half and continue to do so, you go part time.

Oh and I agree with PPs about the laundry. You each should be capable of and doing your own laundry. Essential and basic life skill. Let it pile up until he runs out of clean socks and underwear. He will figure it out.

The people who are saying this kind of thing, just don't get it. HE will let his laundry pile up and buy new boxers and socks before doing it. She doesn't want to live with a pile of a month's worth of dirty laundry in her bedroom, that's why she does it.

Same with scrubbing the toilets, cleaning the showers, changing the sheets, etc. If she wants it done before months go by, she has to do it herself.

Ask me how I know this

DP. So true! I had to check the date on this post to make sure I didn’t write it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer a situation where you are both working full-time but he does an equal share of the kid/home stuff? If so, my suggestion is to have a sit down where you list out all the home/kid tasks and divvy them up with clear lines of responsibility. Then, stick to your half of the list. If he drops the ball on his stuff, let the ball drop. It will be painful for a little while, but it is the only thing that leads to change in my experience. Right now, he is getting the best of both worlds--you are earning full-time income and doing all the kid stuff. He has no incentive to change anything. So, you need to set some boundaries and cut off the gravy train.

This but it has to be stuff HE finds important. If I led DH handle our DD playdate and he didn't follow through he wouldn't care a bit. But, him not signing the kids up for before/after school means HE has to deal with them or find alternate care makes it HIS problem to then figure out so he is more likely to follow through

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

Yes.

[Anonymous]

You don't actually need him to "sign off". You can't make him do his share around the house? Well, he can't make you work full time. That said, I would only go to part time if you can easily ramp back up. I'm divorced and know too many women who thought it would never happen to them but then end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is non-tenable.

What I would do is push past "I'll do better" as a response to the household stuff. That's useless, as you know. He needs to have a few spheres that he handles 100% completely on his own and you don't touch. Keep in mind - this will be hard for you, as he WILL NOT do them as well as you. You need to be strategic, both of you, as to what these could be. If I were you, I'd go into this with a few ideas of spheres that would work, but I wouldn't name them, at least not to start. Think in terms of consequences for you - if he's in charge of summer camps, they won't happen, and that'll stress you out, so that's off the table. What about laundry? Especially during Covid, that's not a bad place to start - a kid (or you) wearing dirty underwear inside out for a day while the laundry finishes is probably manageable in the short term. Or what about DL? It's elementary school, no one's batting 1000, so maybe that's something he could take on. Cooking? Kids won't die from pancakes and Mac and cheese for a few months. These are just examples - think through what YOU could manage watching him fail at. Then restart the conversation. Here's a basic script:

You: I'm still doing 90% of the kid and household management while we both work, and this is completely unfair. If I'm going to keep doing this, I want to go part time.
Him: No, I don't want to do that. I'll do better about household stuff.
You: Okay. We've had this conversation before, and "better" only lasts a few weeks. I need you to take over a few kid/household tasks for you to handle independently. What are some things you could do?
Him: Umm, I dunno. I could cook sometimes?
You: Great - why don't you take over making breakfasts and lunches for the kids, and providing dinner on Tuesdays and Thursday. Does that work?
Him: Umm, Tuesdays is my favorite TV show.
You: Okay - Mondays and Thursdays. What else?
Him: What else? Umm...I don't know.
You: How about distance learning? Or laundry?
Him: I have too many meetings and I don't know how to do laundry.
You: I can teach you to do laundry this weekend! That's easy.
Him: Okay.

Then... the hard part. Once you show him how to do laundry, tell him to get you a list of what groceries he needs by, say, 10am on Sunday so you can do the shopping, that's IT. You're done.

When you go to put on your second to last pair of underwear or clean shirt, say "hey, FYI, I've got one more pair of underwear left" then say NOTHING. You see the clothes sitting in the wash for two days. You say nothing. Then, when there's no undies left, you walk up to him and say "I don't have any clean underwear" and you just stand there. Wait for HIM to solve the problem. "Um I guess you'll have to wear dirty ones." Okay, then that's what you're doing. At lunchtime, send the kids to him. Kids say "Mom, what's for lunch?" you say "ask dad." He comes out and says "What should I give the kids for lunch?" you say, "I dunno" and go back to what you're doing. He'll have to make a bunch of impromptu grocery store runs. That's life. Give it at least two months. There will be growing pains. But - you get one of two options: 1) Two months later, he's doing it to some basic minimum standard, and you never have to think about those things again. Bliss. Or 2) It's a completely failure and/or he hates it. Well. Now can say "that was a disaster. I'm dropping to PT" and that's that. Win/win.

I did this. I really did (in part because I had to as a junior associate in biglaw). He didn't start doing better a few months later, we just started living in the endless chaos of dirty underwear and emergency grocery store runs. Oh, and anything that he takes over, he magically finds the money to outsource. Like laundry, which was supposed to be his thing. Today's panic was getting laundry to the laundry service pickup truck because he forgot to set it out last night.

OP here. This is exactly what my H would do. That's kind of why I feel so resentful about the part time thing. It's not really about the money with him, it's more his perception of "fairness" and that I'd be getting something he wouldn't and really values (more time off work). Of course, if it were him working part time, he'd be using his increased free time to play more golf and video games, not cleaning or teaching the kids.

Do you feel happier not having to worry about the laundry or no?

Yes I feel happier but mind you half the time I’m the one shouting “the laundry service is here oh god where are the bags?!” So it isn’t so much that he took it over, but that he felt responsible enough for it to hire help.

I'm the PP who wrote the long response above. Here's the thing, OP - if you're right, and you end up in an endless chaos of dirty underwear and emergency grocery store runs, or if he brings up wanting to outsource any of this, THEN you are in a much better position to get what you actually want - to drop to part time. If that is the case 2-3 months down the road, I would have one final conversation. "Okay - we tried this out. We are literally surrounded by dirty laundry, I've worn dirty underwear twice in the last month alone, which is frankly disgusting, you're still making an average of two emergency grocery runs a week, and the kids meals are slapped together and not healthy enough for the long term. I'm dropping to part time, and will happily take these tasks back on."

BUT - you've gotta give him a real shot first, and allow at least month or two of chaos without interfering or any commentary. At that point, I bet your husband will be much, much more open to you being part time, and at that point I even think a unilateral decision to drop to part time is warranted.

However, especially for the unilateral approach, it's gotta really be not working. If you've got clean laundry to wear all the time, it just builds up in between, and the kids are eating balanced meals, they just mostly come from boxes and cans, and your husband still doesn't want you to drop to part time, that's a very different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really drives the point home. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway that women should also work full time and contribute financially in equal measure in a world where women get paid less and are still expected by the majority of men (and women) to do the lion’s share of household work, childcare, and family/social/community engagement?

Such an epic shaft.

god, this

Yes.

Well I suppose part of the problem is we are no longer part of a generation where a family could, on one income, provide for an entire family, pay off a mortgage, save for college and retirement. We can barely do that with two incomes. Annnnd we are working longer hours than ever before.

[Anonymous]

You need to outsource the house cleaning ASAP. We have someone come twice a month, and that keeps the shower from being totally disgusting and general maintenance. It also forces DH to put his stuff away before the cleaning people come -- or he can't find them afterwards. Natural consequences.

If the meals are becoming problematic, you need to meal plan and give him a day or two to be responsible for. The key is already deciding which days are takeout so he can't outsource that and is instead responsible for actually cooking. And whoever doesn't cook, cleans up the kitchen. There may be some discussions about that afterwards -- my family members really like to "soak" pots that don't need to soak.

Outsource the yardwork if you haven't already so that's off of his plate. DH was pleasantly surprised to realize that the service wouldn't cost as much as he thought.

It's hard to get him to be responsible for the mental toll, so you have to find other ways to get a break.

[Anonymous]

A few things.
First, you give him all of the power in this scenerio. you say he has an office but you don't. Change that.
You say he will have a vaild reason to be mad if drop to part time but discount that YOU have a valid reason to be mad at him not doing a damn thing right now
You say that both of you need to be able to afford part time for anyone to do it. Well then start looking at houses and tell him to get ready to move because you are both switching to part time.
You say that you both must work full time and you must continue to do all of this crap. Nope. Hire it out and give him the bill. Once it costs more for you to keep working than for you to drop to PT he will ask you to do so.

YOU actually have the power in the scenerio not him. He wants the status quo to stay the same but has no power to make it. YOU have the power to stop doing what you are doing for free.

And YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I hate that woman are stuck as both the primary parent and have to financially contribute. WHat i wouldn't give for my husband to work a job that had a pension for our retirement AND made enough for us to live in a nice place in the suburbs with 2.5 kids and a dog while I could stay home and cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I got a tip from someone on this forum and it worked pretty well for us.

Have a board in a visible common area with 3 sections: to do, today, done. Then on small post it stickies, write down every thing that needs to get done weekly/daily/monthly. You can color code however works best for you. For me, I color coded by daily vs weekly vs occasional like doctor/dentist appointment and parent teacher meetings. So everything like homework help, wash dishes, mowing lawn, wipe counters, vacuum floors, laundry.

Each morning or late evening, you reset the board with what needs to be done that next day. And whoever completes a task, moves the sticky note to the done section. I really did not have much discussion with DH about it because he is infuriatingly defensive. But this system allowed him to see all the things that need to get done and he can pick and choose what he can do.

So in your situation, I’d tell him the current situation isn’t working for you. That either you go part time or you split responsibilities 50/50. He’ll say you can’t go part time. So then set this system up and then set aside an evening to divvy up 50/50. If he can’t take on half and continue to do so, you go part time.

Oh and I agree with PPs about the laundry. You each should be capable of and doing your own laundry. Essential and basic life skill. Let it pile up until he runs out of clean socks and underwear. He will figure it out.

The people who are saying this kind of thing, just don't get it. HE will let his laundry pile up and buy new boxers and socks before doing it. She doesn't want to live with a pile of a month's worth of dirty laundry in her bedroom, that's why she does it.

Same with scrubbing the toilets, cleaning the showers, changing the sheets, etc. If she wants it done before months go by, she has to do it herself.

Ask me how I know this

Then do it with food.

[Anonymous]

Please read this post as trying to be helpful as we battled similar and I finally feel like we have a great balance. I don't want to come across as a know-it-all.

Here is our set-up. We have a 2.5yo and I'm pregnant with number 2.

-DH works full time from home indefinitely now. Cutting out his commute has allowed him an extra hour-hour and a half with us per day which is great!
-I work from home part time and make my own schedule but roughly averages to 25 hours per week.
-We have childcare 12 hours per week (3 mornings) to cover half my schedule. The other 12ish hours I make up during naps, after bedtime, and on weekend mornings.
- I do all of my laundry and child-related laundry, I've never touched DH's.
-I do all of the day to day cleaning (sweeping, wiping counters, dishwasher, toilets, swiffer, etc). DH spends and hour every Sunday washing the floors.
-We have a lawn/leave service
-I cook dinner every other night, but make enough for 2 nights. DH cleans up dinner every night.
-Dh does all of DD's nightly baths. It's their special time when he gets off work everyday.
-We take a 1 hour family walk every night before doing bedtime which has been a great time to catch up and all bond
-I do all logistics to DD (appointments, seasonal clothes, diapers, etc)
-DH does all logistics for the dog (buying food, vet, tick prevention, heart worm meds, etc)

Somehow this leaves Dh and I spending quality time together most nights 8-10pm which we both really value.

Obviously our world is about to be shaken up with baby 2 lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't actually need him to "sign off". You can't make him do his share around the house? Well, he can't make you work full time. That said, I would only go to part time if you can easily ramp back up. I'm divorced and know too many women who thought it would never happen to them but then end up divorced.

This. Also hours creep is a problem with part time.

I think you should stay full time but focus on trying to get your kids and husband to do more. I would not give up your full time career to be your husbands maid and laundress.

[Anonymous]

Hire help. Tutor, cleaning lady. Don't ask for permission.