WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time

[Anonymous]

So this has been an on going issue but has really ramped up since Covid. I do the vast majority of chores around the house and do most of the organization and hand holding related to DL. This has always been the case even pre-Covid (I did most of the school stuff back then which wasn't as bad when it was in person). I also work full time.

I could easily go part time but my husband refuses to sign off on this! His reasoning is that if we both can't work part time and still pay the mortgage and bills, then neither of us should get to do it. He's the kind of guy who thinks SAHMs are only for rich people and that they live fabulous lives of leisure. So SAHM is out but I would like to go part time so I would have more balance in my life. As it is right now, I run myself ragged doing for everyone else and never for myself.

Every time we have this conversation, I bring up the fact that I do more around the house and with the kids. Sometimes I'll get him to concede on this point and he'll promise to do better but then he always ends up backsliding after a few weeks. He just doesn't keep all the details in his head like I do (you know the endless details I mean: when to sign the kids up for summer camp, when to schedule their dentist and doctor appointments, when to change their wardrobes, who to call for playdates and activities, etc. etc. If I left this stuff up to him, it just wouldn't get done and they would be shut out of summer camp and never have playdates). I do it because I have to though, because I know he doesn't, and someone has to do it.

So what would you do in this situation? Do you think it's fair that he refuses to agree that I go part time? Should I just do it anyway and let him get used to it? What would you say to him?

[Anonymous]

If you go part time on the logic that he's not doing his fair share and you need to, he'll never do a kid thing again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you go part time on the logic that he's not doing his fair share and you need to, he'll never do a kid thing again.

Op here. He's not doing anything right now. It's incredibly frustrating that he just shuts himself in his office and expects me to do all the handholding for DL. I don't even have an office. I work at the kitchen table, same as the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I shouldn't say he does nothing. He does the typical guy stuff. Takes out the trash, mows the lawn. He very occasionally grocery shops but I have to make the list and put everything away because he does such a crappy job with it. I literally do everything else, including his laundry.

[Anonymous]

Would you prefer a situation where you are both working full-time but he does an equal share of the kid/home stuff? If so, my suggestion is to have a sit down where you list out all the home/kid tasks and divvy them up with clear lines of responsibility. Then, stick to your half of the list. If he drops the ball on his stuff, let the ball drop. It will be painful for a little while, but it is the only thing that leads to change in my experience. Right now, he is getting the best of both worlds--you are earning full-time income and doing all the kid stuff. He has no incentive to change anything. So, you need to set some boundaries and cut off the gravy train.

[Anonymous]

You need to stand up for yourself.

1. If both of you can’t have a home office, he cannot have a home office. Open that door and send the kids in there!

2. Stop doing his laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer a situation where you are both working full-time but he does an equal share of the kid/home stuff? If so, my suggestion is to have a sit down where you list out all the home/kid tasks and divvy them up with clear lines of responsibility. Then, stick to your half of the list. If he drops the ball on his stuff, let the ball drop. It will be painful for a little while, but it is the only thing that leads to change in my experience. Right now, he is getting the best of both worlds--you are earning full-time income and doing all the kid stuff. He has no incentive to change anything. So, you need to set some boundaries and cut off the gravy train.

Honestly no, I'd rather work part time. Actually I'd really rather be a SAHM, especially through this Covid time, but I know there is no chance in hell of that ever happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I shouldn't say he does nothing. He does the typical guy stuff. Takes out the trash, mows the lawn. He very occasionally grocery shops but I have to make the list and put everything away because he does such a crappy job with it. I literally do everything else, including his laundry.

How old are you? How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer a situation where you are both working full-time but he does an equal share of the kid/home stuff? If so, my suggestion is to have a sit down where you list out all the home/kid tasks and divvy them up with clear lines of responsibility. Then, stick to your half of the list. If he drops the ball on his stuff, let the ball drop. It will be painful for a little while, but it is the only thing that leads to change in my experience. Right now, he is getting the best of both worlds--you are earning full-time income and doing all the kid stuff. He has no incentive to change anything. So, you need to set some boundaries and cut off the gravy train.

Agree with this. Which do you want more: to change the split, or to go PT? If you actually want to work PT, I'd just do it and tell him the facts of life. If you're going PT because you're at wit's end with your useless husband, you need to have a come-to-Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer a situation where you are both working full-time but he does an equal share of the kid/home stuff? If so, my suggestion is to have a sit down where you list out all the home/kid tasks and divvy them up with clear lines of responsibility. Then, stick to your half of the list. If he drops the ball on his stuff, let the ball drop. It will be painful for a little while, but it is the only thing that leads to change in my experience. Right now, he is getting the best of both worlds--you are earning full-time income and doing all the kid stuff. He has no incentive to change anything. So, you need to set some boundaries and cut off the gravy train.

Honestly no, I'd rather work part time. Actually I'd really rather be a SAHM, especially through this Covid time, but I know there is no chance in hell of that ever happening.

Refusing to let you SAH may be your saving grace if this low level resentment turns into divorce-level resentment. Tell him the last backslide was the last straw and you're just doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you prefer a situation where you are both working full-time but he does an equal share of the kid/home stuff? If so, my suggestion is to have a sit down where you list out all the home/kid tasks and divvy them up with clear lines of responsibility. Then, stick to your half of the list. If he drops the ball on his stuff, let the ball drop. It will be painful for a little while, but it is the only thing that leads to change in my experience. Right now, he is getting the best of both worlds--you are earning full-time income and doing all the kid stuff. He has no incentive to change anything. So, you need to set some boundaries and cut off the gravy train.

Honestly no, I'd rather work part time. Actually I'd really rather be a SAHM, especially through this Covid time, but I know there is no chance in hell of that ever happening.

What’s your HHI split?
(BTW I agree that part time is best because with a husband that’s a big a jerk as yours, you might end up wanting a divorce.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I shouldn't say he does nothing. He does the typical guy stuff. Takes out the trash, mows the lawn. He very occasionally grocery shops but I have to make the list and put everything away because he does such a crappy job with it. I literally do everything else, including his laundry.

How old are you? How old are your kids?

I'm 42, 3 kids in elementary (including one set of twins).

[Anonymous]

What's super frustrating is that the whole thing is about his perspective that it would be "unfair" for me to work part time while he works full time. It's not really about the money. He just doesn't see all that I do to keep the household running, stuff that would still need to be done if I was home more often. He thinks I'd just be laying around on a break like vacation.

[Anonymous]

For one week, tally up the amount of time you both spend on kid/house stuff (don't tell him you're doing this, or he'll step it up temporarily and then slide back). Be honest.

If it's off-balance, tell him that you'll be cutting back on your work hours in proportion to how much extra work you do, unless he increases his load until it's equal and sustains it. Track everything so it's fair.

If he doesn't step it up after a couple weeks, cut back on your work hours. Don't ask permission. Don't let him know before you do it - you already told him what needed to happen and he failed.

Stop doing things like his laundry. Today. Anything he did for himself before you/kids he needs to continue doing for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For one week, tally up the amount of time you both spend on kid/house stuff (don't tell him you're doing this, or he'll step it up temporarily and then slide back). Be honest.

If it's off-balance, tell him that you'll be cutting back on your work hours in proportion to how much extra work you do, unless he increases his load until it's equal and sustains it. Track everything so it's fair.

If he doesn't step it up after a couple weeks, cut back on your work hours. Don't ask permission. Don't let him know before you do it - you already told him what needed to happen and he failed.

Stop doing things like his laundry. Today. Anything he did for himself before you/kids he needs to continue doing for himself.

Or just go to your mom's for two weeks.