I wrote my mom a letter

[Anonymous]

Cut them off completely.

I did it with my mother. I had a last straw like you did and decided not to deal with all the dramas and manipulations anymore. She made me a terrible spouse, a bad parent, and a worse person.

Now I feel great about myself and my family life is much better because of it.

[Anonymous]

Cut her off. Thats horrible.

[Anonymous]

Op, you know the advice. Your problem is you don't take it. For some reason you go over all of this again-and-again-and-again.

Stop being involved with bad people. Stop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

Interesting since Mom was an adult when this was happening to you and it she still refuses to act like one. I'm sorry for everything you went through OP. I removed my mother from my life for the same reason. Say goodbye to her. You don't need someone in your life who really doesn't care about you. You're a great person. Don't let her continue to mar your life. HUGS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mother would give the exact same response. I agree it is the abuser way. My mother was complex and had good qualities too. Plus, I was not sexually abused by anyone, just verbal and emotional.

I have learned to accept my mother is extremely limited and will never accept responsibility for any pain she causes. I chose to have a relationship with many boundaries. It's exhausting, but she in incapable of being the mother I wish i could have and she too was raised by someone abusive and limited so she knows no other way. She also lacks self-awareness and insight.

Do you see her often?

Not as often as she wants. FWIW, she is kind to my kids. She was not wired well for parenting. She did not get along well with my father and she had major anxiety and never got help because she looks down at people with mental health issues. You hate in others what you hate in yourself sometimes. Her mother was the exact same way and she figures she and her sister turned out well, married men with the right jobs and raised accomplished kids.

I think it's fine you wrote the letter. Her response showed you how limited she is. My mother responds horridly to confrontation too, but it was confirmation that she is incapable of getting how destructive she was.

I could hug this person - I could have written it word for word.

[Anonymous]

We are about 3 years past "the letter".

His mom was awful, never spoke to him about "the letter", and the family continued to invite the rapist to family gatherings.

It was hard. My spouse loved his family, he kept contact with his dad and his mom in a limited way. I cut them out of my life. My kids are older and they will meet them for lunch about 2x / year.

My kids now have no family, no cousins, no place to go for Thanksgiving, no Xmas.

My H kept "giving them a break"... this is how they were raise, they had limited ability... blah, blah, blah.

Here is the deal.. your mom is an adult but SHE is not acting like one, adults admit fault, say sorry and do better. She has not done any of these things.

The best thing that happened in the past 3 years is my spouse's parents called recently and said can we meet for lunch and he said, "no". They asked why and he simply said "I don't really want to." That was it, he no longer wanted to.

That's it, he mourned the loss of the parents he wished he had, the parents that would have not brought him around a known rapist as a child, the parents that were not neurotic, the parents that should have denounced the rapist and had family parties without the rapist there. Those parents don't exist and he deserves better, they are not better, so they are not "his parents"... they are people who raised him and now it is time for him to fly away from the nest never to return.

They call, he is polite, he does not care that they suck. You will get there.

He did DBT, btw. I think it was the best therapy ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are about 3 years past "the letter".

His mom was awful, never spoke to him about "the letter", and the family continued to invite the rapist to family gatherings.

It was hard. My spouse loved his family, he kept contact with his dad and his mom in a limited way. I cut them out of my life. My kids are older and they will meet them for lunch about 2x / year.

My kids now have no family, no cousins, no place to go for Thanksgiving, no Xmas.

My H kept "giving them a break"... this is how they were raise, they had limited ability... blah, blah, blah.

Here is the deal.. your mom is an adult but SHE is not acting like one, adults admit fault, say sorry and do better. She has not done any of these things.

The best thing that happened in the past 3 years is my spouse's parents called recently and said can we meet for lunch and he said, "no". They asked why and he simply said "I don't really want to." That was it, he no longer wanted to.

That's it, he mourned the loss of the parents he wished he had, the parents that would have not brought him around a known rapist as a child, the parents that were not neurotic, the parents that should have denounced the rapist and had family parties without the rapist there. Those parents don't exist and he deserves better, they are not better, so they are not "his parents"... they are people who raised him and now it is time for him to fly away from the nest never to return.

They call, he is polite, he does not care that they suck. You will get there.

He did DBT, btw. I think it was the best therapy ever.

.
Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - YOU are an abusive parent IF you involve an emotional abuser in to your child's life. You are no better than your Mother. Don't be that person. Sure you hurt, but you are a Mother now, and your child deserves a good Mother. Your child deserves your full attention. You need to STOP focusing on YOUR Mother, and only focus on being a good mother like you never had.

+1

-someone who resents her narcissistic biological grandmother(now estranged)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

[Anonymous]

Just say, "Thank you for making your boundaries clear. I will be here if you ever change your mind and are open to truly having a fully open relationship. Until then I wish you the best."
And block her. And do your best to move on. Be glad she's shown you who she is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

OP here. I realize this now. I told her during an "open conversation" that things she did in the past have hurt me. She said she genuinely wanted to know what she did as it was "important". Then she replied like that.

[Anonymous]

This podcast helped me:

https://www.npr.org/2017/05/27/529989623/when-you-need-to-cut-a-parent-out-of-your-life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This podcast helped me:

https://www.npr.org/2017/05/27/529989623/when-you-need-to-cut-a-parent-out-of-your-life

Thank you. I will check it out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut them off completely.

I did it with my mother. I had a last straw like you did and decided not to deal with all the dramas and manipulations anymore. She made me a terrible spouse, a bad parent, and a worse person.

Now I feel great about myself and my family life is much better because of it.

Same with my mother. She makes me "feel crazy".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adult, I can recognize the humility that you lack to move past any discomfort you have from things in the past. I’m disappointed that you don’t value a relationship with me or my child enough to I see stand that the values and boundaries I have in my family, and are unable to support that. Thank you for all you did to help me become the adult that I am. I love you and that will never change.

Then I would never speak on it again. I would be kind and share vague general updates about the babies with her. And I would love at my comfort level in any manner that requires more vulnerability for me or my child.

Wonderful response.