I wrote my mom a letter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

Not OP, but it's funny...I have one of those self help books on Toxic Parents and the author/clinician feels strongly you must confront the abusive parent. I personally found it useless other than to show me, as I already mentioned, she was extremely limited and defensive and she resorted to major gaslighting and badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. I think it is the rare abusive person who will admit fault and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

Not OP, but it's funny...I have one of those self help books on Toxic Parents and the author/clinician feels strongly you must confront the abusive parent. I personally found it useless other than to show me, as I already mentioned, she was extremely limited and defensive and she resorted to major gaslighting and badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. I think it is the rare abusive person who will admit fault and apologize.

I don't think confronting is a bad thing. At least you leave it all on the table & get a final answer. Even if it sucks. No question as to what a crappy person they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

Not OP, but it's funny...I have one of those self help books on Toxic Parents and the author/clinician feels strongly you must confront the abusive parent. I personally found it useless other than to show me, as I already mentioned, she was extremely limited and defensive and she resorted to major gaslighting and badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. I think it is the rare abusive person who will admit fault and apologize.

I don't think confronting is a bad thing. At least you leave it all on the table & get a final answer. Even if it sucks. No question as to what a crappy person they are.

“Thank you for pointing out my failures as a parent! I did horrible things to you when you were a defenseless child and you were so damaged to the point that it still hurts you today. I was a fully-aware, mature grown-up at the time, yet felt zero guilt. I definitely will feel remorse now! I’m so sorry!” - things you will never hear in a confrontation with your aged parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

Not OP, but it's funny...I have one of those self help books on Toxic Parents and the author/clinician feels strongly you must confront the abusive parent. I personally found it useless other than to show me, as I already mentioned, she was extremely limited and defensive and she resorted to major gaslighting and badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. I think it is the rare abusive person who will admit fault and apologize.

I don't think confronting is a bad thing. At least you leave it all on the table & get a final answer. Even if it sucks. No question as to what a crappy person they are.

“Thank you for pointing out my failures as a parent! I did horrible things to you when you were a defenseless child and you were so damaged to the point that it still hurts you today. I was a fully-aware, mature grown-up at the time, yet felt zero guilt. I definitely will feel remorse now! I’m so sorry!” - things you will never hear in a confrontation with your aged parent

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

Not OP, but it's funny...I have one of those self help books on Toxic Parents and the author/clinician feels strongly you must confront the abusive parent. I personally found it useless other than to show me, as I already mentioned, she was extremely limited and defensive and she resorted to major gaslighting and badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. I think it is the rare abusive person who will admit fault and apologize.

I don't think confronting is a bad thing. At least you leave it all on the table & get a final answer. Even if it sucks. No question as to what a crappy person they are.

“Thank you for pointing out my failures as a parent! I did horrible things to you when you were a defenseless child and you were so damaged to the point that it still hurts you today. I was a fully-aware, mature grown-up at the time, yet felt zero guilt. I definitely will feel remorse now! I’m so sorry!” - things you will never hear in a confrontation with your aged parent

Frustrating but apparently true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the responses. I love getting feedback from someone other than my husband on this matter. A little more background even though it's hard. I would like your opinion on how to proceed as a whole. I am in therapy..I actually have a psychiatrist and a therapist that I have been working with for a year.

This letter that I wrote stemmed from "the last straw". I have two people in my life who are worse than my mother. My father and brother have told me to kill myself many times over the years after I have disagreed with them on anything from politics to what we should have for dinner. I have decided to completely cut my brother off after years of not getting his way and calling me a psycho bitch whenever he is called out for his manipulative behavior. He has lied his way out of so many situations that I felt like I was crazy. I realized later this is abusive and gaslighting. I brought this up to my mother after a particularly awful incident when I suggested my mother and brother get covid tests before we come see them. We are driving 19 hours to see them. I suggested they come out to see the kids after they do their online school for the day. My brother said he couldn't possibly drive the hour in rush hour traffic to see my kids because it was "suicide inducing" to do so. I said that we are driving 19 hours. Surely you can come an hour in rush hour traffic to see them. He responded that I was having a psychotic temper tantrum and he feels sorry for my kids. My mother called me selfish for expecting them to sit on the road for an hour in traffic and took his side.


I want to get out of this cycle of abuse for good. Please, any advice?

OP, there's really only one way out. It's simple, but not easy. You have to walk away. I know you want your mom to hear and acknowledge that she hurt you, and take responsibility for it. You want your family to be reasonable, kind and empathetic. These are normal things to want, and you are not at all wrong for wanting them. But you're not going to get them. You have to let go of that hope. It's going to hurt. You need to grieve for the parents you wanted - that's not what you got. I'm really sorry, but there's nothing you can do about that.

It's difficult because in order to walk away, you need to be able to really lean on the knowledge that you're doing the right thing, and they are wrong. But a lifetime of abuse is designed to make you doubt yourself and lose your perspective. Your therapist can help with this, but you'll need to hold on tightly to the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for you and for your kids. That this situation is not your fault. And the fact that walking away hurts doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing to do.

The only one keeping you there is you. The only one who can release you is you. Walk through the door.

[Anonymous]

Please OP, walk away. Don't drive 19 hours to see these people during a pandemic.

You can still.stay low level in touch, there is not need to announce a cutting off of any sort. Therapists who suggest you send these letters and tell people you are cutting them off are borderline abusive in my opinion. Especially when there is documented evidence the family members are abusive.

Don't expose your children to this OP. They will think it is normal!!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the responses. I love getting feedback from someone other than my husband on this matter. A little more background even though it's hard. I would like your opinion on how to proceed as a whole. I am in therapy..I actually have a psychiatrist and a therapist that I have been working with for a year.

This letter that I wrote stemmed from "the last straw". I have two people in my life who are worse than my mother. My father and brother have told me to kill myself many times over the years after I have disagreed with them on anything from politics to what we should have for dinner. I have decided to completely cut my brother off after years of not getting his way and calling me a psycho bitch whenever he is called out for his manipulative behavior. He has lied his way out of so many situations that I felt like I was crazy. I realized later this is abusive and gaslighting. I brought this up to my mother after a particularly awful incident when I suggested my mother and brother get covid tests before we come see them. We are driving 19 hours to see them. I suggested they come out to see the kids after they do their online school for the day. My brother said he couldn't possibly drive the hour in rush hour traffic to see my kids because it was "suicide inducing" to do so. I said that we are driving 19 hours. Surely you can come an hour in rush hour traffic to see them. He responded that I was having a psychotic temper tantrum and he feels sorry for my kids. My mother called me selfish for expecting them to sit on the road for an hour in traffic and took his side.


I want to get out of this cycle of abuse for good. Please, any advice?

OP, there's really only one way out. It's simple, but not easy. You have to walk away. I know you want your mom to hear and acknowledge that she hurt you, and take responsibility for it. You want your family to be reasonable, kind and empathetic. These are normal things to want, and you are not at all wrong for wanting them. But you're not going to get them. You have to let go of that hope. It's going to hurt. You need to grieve for the parents you wanted - that's not what you got. I'm really sorry, but there's nothing you can do about that.

It's difficult because in order to walk away, you need to be able to really lean on the knowledge that you're doing the right thing, and they are wrong. But a lifetime of abuse is designed to make you doubt yourself and lose your perspective. Your therapist can help with this, but you'll need to hold on tightly to the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for you and for your kids. That this situation is not your fault. And the fact that walking away hurts doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing to do.

The only one keeping you there is you. The only one who can release you is you. Walk through the door.

Please do this OP.

I have had to mourn my family members both before they died and then afterwards as well. I had limited contact, but essentially walked away and very rarely saw them. You do need to mourn.

Please walk away for your sake and for your childrens sake.

[Anonymous]

OP, you arevdoing the same dsmsge to your children!

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm sorry you have such crappy parents.

Don't expect your mom to own up to this because then she has to own up to a whole lot more. Ain't going to happen.

Walk away. Work on how you avoid doing this crap to your own kids and make that your life's first priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'm sorry you have such crappy parents.

Don't expect your mom to own up to this because then she has to own up to a whole lot more. Ain't going to happen.

Walk away. Work on how you avoid doing this crap to your own kids and make that your life's first priority.

OP here. My whole parenting philosophy is "do opposite of what my parents did". Not kidding. I can say with confidence I am a supportive, loving mom! Very proud that's another reason why this hurts.

[Anonymous]

OP again. She will be texting and trying to guilt me, I'm sure. Set boundary or just ignore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She will be texting and trying to guilt me, I'm sure. Set boundary or just ignore?

I have a pretty terrible mother and I just cut her off entirely. No warning or anything, just blocked her number one day and ignored all calls/texts from other numbers.

Unfortunately boundary setting doesn't usually work. You "set" the boundary hoping they'll immediately respect it. Instead they push it over and over while you try to enforce it (usually unsuccessfully, because most people just repeat themselves rather than enforce any actual consequences).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your mom just have been a better person? Why can’t she now? That’s what you really want and you can’t make your mom be a better person. You can accept her how she is and accept that she very likely feels guilty and wishes her past had been different and she had done things differently. So your choices are to accept the person your mom is or keep wishing and hoping of you just stand their long enough being pained she will have a light bold moment and suddenly do whatever you think is the right things .

Interesting take. Are you OP's mom?

DP here, but that poster is perfectly correct. It's not what anyone wants to hear, of course, but it's reality. That does NOT mean OP has to interact only on her mother's terms. OP will need to draw boundaries. This is where working with a therapist can be helpful (also a suggestion of OP's mother - that woman isn't stupid!).

OPs mom's disconnected position and admonishment to have the therapist 'handle' the situation is same as was the case with leaving her daughter to fend for herself with the many emotional and physical boundary violators. Said another way, OPs mother is saying "you are on your own!" and "good luck" and "grow up!" Hopefully the therapist understands betrayal trauma and is not encouraging reconciliation. The mom does not think the situation warrants or requires her acknowledgement or intervention; the mom is a freeloader, benefiting off of her entitled status, and is using the relationship with her daughter to get in on the 'good times' w *her* grandchildren.

OP, your kids are your kids. Your mom betrayed you and she continues to do so in words, intentions and actions. Please let yourself consider researching betrayal trauma and family systems therapy. Reconciliation is about lowering defenses and finding common ground. Your mom is not doing this with you. Changing your behavior will change hers. Focus on your priorities. Protect your kids and recognize their inborn risk and vulnerability. It's not your fault that your mom groomed you and made you available for sexual abuse by withholding protection and personal concern for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

No you're not.
Trying to get closure from your abuser is just providing a new weapon for the next phase of abuse. It's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way: you look to the source of your pain to provide you relief from that pain. It's a powerful drive in abuse victims that sets them up for endless cycles of abuse.

PS the mom's reply may have some factual truth but with twisted, nasty motives/undertones. Just like everything in those toxic relationships.

OP find your peace.

Not OP, but it's funny...I have one of those self help books on Toxic Parents and the author/clinician feels strongly you must confront the abusive parent. I personally found it useless other than to show me, as I already mentioned, she was extremely limited and defensive and she resorted to major gaslighting and badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. I think it is the rare abusive person who will admit fault and apologize.

+1

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Wont-You-Apologize-Betrayals/dp/1501129597