I wrote my mom a letter

[Anonymous]

I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

[Anonymous]

OP, google DARVO. Classic abuser behavior. She is accepting no responsibility and turning the situation around so you are the bad guy.

There is no magical response you can provide that is going to change your mother. She had made it clear who she is. For context, my mother did the same as yours. I have cut her out entirely and am much happier now.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Op,

Just so you know you’re acting like an adult. You don’t need to respond to this message. Let it sit.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are strong and brave. What she is still doing to you is classic, textbook abuse.

You owe her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,

Just so you know you’re acting like an adult. You don’t need to respond to this message. Let it sit.

+1

And I am going to add, I have the same mother unfortunately. We are no longer speaking. I completely cut her out, and life is fantastic.

[Anonymous]

What would I do? Not talk to her again, not see her again, go to therapy to treat the CPTSD i have from life with a NPD, abusive mom. BTDT, got the tshirt, it sucks. And do not ever listen to anyone who says “but she’s your mom” or “but familyyyy.”

[Anonymous]

As an adult, I can recognize the humility that you lack to move past any discomfort you have from things in the past. I’m disappointed that you don’t value a relationship with me or my child enough to I see stand that the values and boundaries I have in my family, and are unable to support that. Thank you for all you did to help me become the adult that I am. I love you and that will never change.

Then I would never speak on it again. I would be kind and share vague general updates about the babies with her. And I would love at my comfort level in any manner that requires more vulnerability for me or my child.

[Anonymous]

**disappiinted you don’t understand the values and boundaries I have in my family are healthy**

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,

Just so you know you’re acting like an adult. You don’t need to respond to this message. Let it sit.

+1

And I am going to add, I have the same mother unfortunately. We are no longer speaking. I completely cut her out, and life is fantastic.

+2
Except in my case we have a relationship with clear boundaries we both respect now

[Anonymous]

By the way, I could never imagine getting a letter from my child like that, and replying with anything short of an apology, a request for forgiveness and a promise to love.

I’m sorry op. People suck sometimes. Don’t let anyone steal your joy, ever.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that she says she loves YOU but wants to see her grandchildren yet doesn't say she wants to see YOU.

Also interesting that she never apologizes.

If it were me, your mother would not be in my life (or my childrens' lives).

[Anonymous]

It’s time to self care and that definitely includes a guided divorce from your mom, helped along by an excellent therapist. My BFF did this-completely cut off all contact with both parents, and now she’s living a happy full life. My best to you. Hugs your way. You will build your own family.

[Anonymous]

OP-I would not respond as this text from your mother is asking you to negate your life and not disrupt hers. She doesn't deserve you and gifting her a relationship with your children is not warranted. Find good in your life. Your mother is not it.

[Anonymous]

Cut her out OP. She's done the damage to you, don't let her damage your kids too.

[Anonymous]

I'll take a different tack from the posters above and say that this kind of response was to be expected.

I had a similar interaction with my mother when I was in my early 30s. My husband warned me not to do it, but I did anyway, and she did as she always does - play the victim, throw the blame back on me, demand my father intervene to protect her good name, etc...

Here's the truth: seeking closure has to be done differently. It's extremely rare for a parent to admit to wrongdoing, and apologize to an adult child. Your parent sees the past one way, you see it another. Things are usually never quite as clear-cut as children think they are.

Sexual assault apart, there is some truth to your mother's comments. It's true you need to let go, it's true that it would be better to talk to a therapist, it's true she loves you and wants a relationship with you.

Now are you ready to let go now, or do you need additional time? It sounds like the latter, and that's perfectly fine. While you work on that, it's also perfectly fine to be resentful of your mother and refuse to interact with her! You will then need time to think and create boundaries, so all this will be work for years to come.