I wrote my mom a letter

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother would give the exact same response. I agree it is the abuser way. My mother was complex and had good qualities too. Plus, I was not sexually abused by anyone, just verbal and emotional.

I have learned to accept my mother is extremely limited and will never accept responsibility for any pain she causes. I chose to have a relationship with many boundaries. It's exhausting, but she in incapable of being the mother I wish i could have and she too was raised by someone abusive and limited so she knows no other way. She also lacks self-awareness and insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mother would give the exact same response. I agree it is the abuser way. My mother was complex and had good qualities too. Plus, I was not sexually abused by anyone, just verbal and emotional.

I have learned to accept my mother is extremely limited and will never accept responsibility for any pain she causes. I chose to have a relationship with many boundaries. It's exhausting, but she in incapable of being the mother I wish i could have and she too was raised by someone abusive and limited so she knows no other way. She also lacks self-awareness and insight.

Do you see her often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your mom just have been a better person? Why can’t she now? That’s what you really want and you can’t make your mom be a better person. You can accept her how she is and accept that she very likely feels guilty and wishes her past had been different and she had done things differently. So your choices are to accept the person your mom is or keep wishing and hoping of you just stand their long enough being pained she will have a light bold moment and suddenly do whatever you think is the right things .

That is a strange assumption to make that mom feels guilty and wishes she had done things different. A lot of abusers actually don’t feel that way at all.

[Anonymous]

Op - YOU are an abusive parent IF you involve an emotional abuser in to your child's life. You are no better than your Mother. Don't be that person. Sure you hurt, but you are a Mother now, and your child deserves a good Mother. Your child deserves your full attention. You need to STOP focusing on YOUR Mother, and only focus on being a good mother like you never had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mother would give the exact same response. I agree it is the abuser way. My mother was complex and had good qualities too. Plus, I was not sexually abused by anyone, just verbal and emotional.

I have learned to accept my mother is extremely limited and will never accept responsibility for any pain she causes. I chose to have a relationship with many boundaries. It's exhausting, but she in incapable of being the mother I wish i could have and she too was raised by someone abusive and limited so she knows no other way. She also lacks self-awareness and insight.

Do you see her often?

Not as often as she wants. FWIW, she is kind to my kids. She was not wired well for parenting. She did not get along well with my father and she had major anxiety and never got help because she looks down at people with mental health issues. You hate in others what you hate in yourself sometimes. Her mother was the exact same way and she figures she and her sister turned out well, married men with the right jobs and raised accomplished kids.

I think it's fine you wrote the letter. Her response showed you how limited she is. My mother responds horridly to confrontation too, but it was confirmation that she is incapable of getting how destructive she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mother would give the exact same response. I agree it is the abuser way. My mother was complex and had good qualities too. Plus, I was not sexually abused by anyone, just verbal and emotional.

I have learned to accept my mother is extremely limited and will never accept responsibility for any pain she causes. I chose to have a relationship with many boundaries. It's exhausting, but she in incapable of being the mother I wish i could have and she too was raised by someone abusive and limited so she knows no other way. She also lacks self-awareness and insight.

Do you see her often?

Not as often as she wants. FWIW, she is kind to my kids. She was not wired well for parenting. She did not get along well with my father and she had major anxiety and never got help because she looks down at people with mental health issues. You hate in others what you hate in yourself sometimes. Her mother was the exact same way and she figures she and her sister turned out well, married men with the right jobs and raised accomplished kids.

I think it's fine you wrote the letter. Her response showed you how limited she is. My mother responds horridly to confrontation too, but it was confirmation that she is incapable of getting how destructive she was.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all the responses. I love getting feedback from someone other than my husband on this matter. A little more background even though it's hard. I would like your opinion on how to proceed as a whole. I am in therapy..I actually have a psychiatrist and a therapist that I have been working with for a year.

This letter that I wrote stemmed from "the last straw". I have two people in my life who are worse than my mother. My father and brother have told me to kill myself many times over the years after I have disagreed with them on anything from politics to what we should have for dinner. I have decided to completely cut my brother off after years of not getting his way and calling me a psycho bitch whenever he is called out for his manipulative behavior. He has lied his way out of so many situations that I felt like I was crazy. I realized later this is abusive and gaslighting. I brought this up to my mother after a particularly awful incident when I suggested my mother and brother get covid tests before we come see them. We are driving 19 hours to see them. I suggested they come out to see the kids after they do their online school for the day. My brother said he couldn't possibly drive the hour in rush hour traffic to see my kids because it was "suicide inducing" to do so. I said that we are driving 19 hours. Surely you can come an hour in rush hour traffic to see them. He responded that I was having a psychotic temper tantrum and he feels sorry for my kids. My mother called me selfish for expecting them to sit on the road for an hour in traffic and took his side.


I want to get out of this cycle of abuse for good. Please, any advice?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I would like to to just add that I have brought up my mom's role in all the things have happened and now he always takes my brother's side. I am blamed for not getting along with him. I never attack or argue. It is always one sided. If I bring up anything involving my mother and someone else... for example, I asked my mother why my grandmother was not interested in a relationship with me she said "WELL IT ISN'T MY FAULT!"

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you take a break from your mother (and perhaps your entire family) for a while? I just did this with my father, and I'm going to use this break to work on healing from his abuse and to decide what kind of relationship, if any, I want with him. I've managed to have a relationship with my dad for years despite his abuse behavior. I drew all sorts of boundaries, but I just got so exhausted from constantly having to defend myself and to handle his passive-aggressive behavior. I'm exhausted. And I think I deserve better. And so do you. And your kids don't need to watch someone abuse their mother. I'm over thinking that I'm duty bound to have a relationship with someone who mistreats me. What would you life be like if you no longer had to contend with this abuse? What amazing things could you accomplish if your energy wasn't going into managing your mother's hateful behavior? Good luck. I know this isn't easy, but I'm starting to see a glimmer of healing and freedom now that I'm not speaking to my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the responses. I love getting feedback from someone other than my husband on this matter. A little more background even though it's hard. I would like your opinion on how to proceed as a whole. I am in therapy..I actually have a psychiatrist and a therapist that I have been working with for a year.

This letter that I wrote stemmed from "the last straw". I have two people in my life who are worse than my mother. My father and brother have told me to kill myself many times over the years after I have disagreed with them on anything from politics to what we should have for dinner. I have decided to completely cut my brother off after years of not getting his way and calling me a psycho bitch whenever he is called out for his manipulative behavior. He has lied his way out of so many situations that I felt like I was crazy. I realized later this is abusive and gaslighting. I brought this up to my mother after a particularly awful incident when I suggested my mother and brother get covid tests before we come see them. We are driving 19 hours to see them. I suggested they come out to see the kids after they do their online school for the day. My brother said he couldn't possibly drive the hour in rush hour traffic to see my kids because it was "suicide inducing" to do so. I said that we are driving 19 hours. Surely you can come an hour in rush hour traffic to see them. He responded that I was having a psychotic temper tantrum and he feels sorry for my kids. My mother called me selfish for expecting them to sit on the road for an hour in traffic and took his side.


I want to get out of this cycle of abuse for good. Please, any advice?

Don't visit them. This is ridiculous behavior by your entire family. Why would you drive 19 hours to subject yourself to this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? Not talk to her again, not see her again, go to therapy to treat the CPTSD i have from life with a NPD, abusive mom. BTDT, got the tshirt, it sucks. And do not ever listen to anyone who says “but she’s your mom” or “but familyyyy.”

This. +1

Grey rock, very very very limited contact, holidays are for your own immediate family or in laws if you like them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - YOU are an abusive parent IF you involve an emotional abuser in to your child's life. You are no better than your Mother. Don't be that person. Sure you hurt, but you are a Mother now, and your child deserves a good Mother. Your child deserves your full attention. You need to STOP focusing on YOUR Mother, and only focus on being a good mother like you never had.

m

This sounds harsh but I really think you are doing yourself and family a disservice by contributing to foster a relationship with people that are so clearly abusive to you. Mom, dad and brother. You deserve to treat yourself with respect by cutting off people who are abusive to you. If you’re not comfortable having a confrontation or making it official just grey rock and back off and avoid. Be polite and nice but make no attempt to call or go out of way to see them. Covid is perfect excuse for no visits.

[Anonymous]

You aren't actually supposed to SEND those letters, I don't think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mother would give the exact same response. I agree it is the abuser way. My mother was complex and had good qualities too. Plus, I was not sexually abused by anyone, just verbal and emotional.

I have learned to accept my mother is extremely limited and will never accept responsibility for any pain she causes. I chose to have a relationship with many boundaries. It's exhausting, but she in incapable of being the mother I wish i could have and she too was raised by someone abusive and limited so she knows no other way. She also lacks self-awareness and insight.

Do you see her often?

Not as often as she wants. FWIW, she is kind to my kids. She was not wired well for parenting. She did not get along well with my father and she had major anxiety and never got help because she looks down at people with mental health issues. You hate in others what you hate in yourself sometimes. Her mother was the exact same way and she figures she and her sister turned out well, married men with the right jobs and raised accomplished kids.

I think it's fine you wrote the letter. Her response showed you how limited she is. My mother responds horridly to confrontation too, but it was confirmation that she is incapable of getting how destructive she was.

Thank you

You are welcome. I read your other posts and I agree. You need a break from them. I took some breaks from my mother. My sister is a narcissist who is pretty horrible to anyone she gets close to, but does well with people who look up to her for her accomplishments and fancy degrees. She does all sorts of controlling and manipulative things so I just take extensive breaks from her.

You have to learn to let go of it all. Some people will judge you for not having a close knit family. Your own family members will gossip and judge because you stop contact for a while. Imagine all the things anyone can call you: Selfish, bitch, garbage, entitled, monster and so forth. Is that you? Of course not. Remember they are words and throw it out the window. You can't control what they think. Religion teaches us not to judge yet some of the most religious people I know do just that. It is their problem not yours. There is freedom in having a sense of humor about what a horrible person you supposedly are. I have done many things for others and used to do a lot of volunteer work before I had kids and when my work schedule was lighter. I don't tell them that because I don't need to prove myself.

[Anonymous]

Basically she just wants to you get over it. She never apologized or acknowledged your pain. I say minimize all interactions with her. Have the kids face time her occasionally but if she starts pulling the same crap with the (which she will) I'd stop that too.