I wrote my mom a letter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

Full stop. Explain the "sexual abuse" and "covering up." Who was abused and who covered it up. I would not let any abuser near my kids. I would need a lot more information about someone who covered up abuse before I allowed that person near my kids even if I was present and within arms length of my kids the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'm sorry you have such crappy parents.

Don't expect your mom to own up to this because then she has to own up to a whole lot more. Ain't going to happen.

Walk away. Work on how you avoid doing this crap to your own kids and make that your life's first priority.

OP here. My whole parenting philosophy is "do opposite of what my parents did". Not kidding. I can say with confidence I am a supportive, loving mom! Very proud that's another reason why this hurts.

That makes me laugh because that was my dad's parenting philosophy. He and my mom agreed on it before they got married. As you might guess, my dad had a really tough childhood. My siblings and I, on the other hand, had a wonderful childhood. My dad did the opposite of everything he saw/experienced as a kid, and we were raised the way my mother was raised. So know that you are not alone and more power to you. My siblings and I are proof that as long as you and your husband stand together, you can beat your terrible childhood and you can give your kids a wonderful one. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

Full stop. Explain the "sexual abuse" and "covering up." Who was abused and who covered it up. I would not let any abuser near my kids. I would need a lot more information about someone who covered up abuse before I allowed that person near my kids even if I was present and within arms length of my kids the whole time.

A sibling was doing abusing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

OP, your mom is 'playing chicken' w you. Your mom also has no limits and she wants you to set them and to set her free. Ignore the screaming and blame from her. Handle her how you would like to handled if you were her. You are not her. You never have been her. You can't be her. You are free to make your own decisions about what you think is best for yourself, and, by extension, her.

I hope you appreciate how strong and decent you are, as an individual, every single day.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are near my mom and brother but visiting other family members. I haven't contacted them. First step done.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my MIL. She will never apologize. One of her adult children wrote a very similar letter to her, and pretty much got the same response. In addition, MIL badmouthed her to the rest of the family about how she just couldn't let the past go, and how she keeps bringing up the past, and making up stories that never happened. MIL also attempted to contact her therapist to discuss some "issues", but the therapist thankfully drew some boundaries. That person eventually went no contact with her, and unfortunately but necessarily, also with the rest of the family and is finally doing much better.

DH agrees with MIL in the aspect that it's pointless to keep digging up the past. He has selective amnesia for his childhood, and I think it's the only way he can be ok as an adult. It's also how he can still have a civil relationship with his parents. He literally does not remember most of his childhood nor does he even give it one second of thought. I'm not sure how he can compartmentalize so severely and completely, but he does. I think his brain is wired to be able to do that. But he has worked on himself in other ways. The rest of the children have struggled with addiction, compulsive behaviors, depression, divorces, suicide attempts.

MIL in fact feels an intolerable amount of guilt. So much so that she will attack when blamed. Gaslight the other person to make them question their reality and make them feel like they are going crazy. Paint that person as the sick one, the black sheep, and attempt to turn the entire family against that person.

If OP's mom is anything like my MIL, any attempt to get any kind of satisfactory response to the kind of letter OP described is a fruitless endeavor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my MIL. She will never apologize. One of her adult children wrote a very similar letter to her, and pretty much got the same response. In addition, MIL badmouthed her to the rest of the family about how she just couldn't let the past go, and how she keeps bringing up the past, and making up stories that never happened. MIL also attempted to contact her therapist to discuss some "issues", but the therapist thankfully drew some boundaries. That person eventually went no contact with her, and unfortunately but necessarily, also with the rest of the family and is finally doing much better.

DH agrees with MIL in the aspect that it's pointless to keep digging up the past. He has selective amnesia for his childhood, and I think it's the only way he can be ok as an adult. It's also how he can still have a civil relationship with his parents. He literally does not remember most of his childhood nor does he even give it one second of thought. I'm not sure how he can compartmentalize so severely and completely, but he does. I think his brain is wired to be able to do that. But he has worked on himself in other ways. The rest of the children have struggled with addiction, compulsive behaviors, depression, divorces, suicide attempts.

MIL in fact feels an intolerable amount of guilt. So much so that she will attack when blamed. Gaslight the other person to make them question their reality and make them feel like they are going crazy. Paint that person as the sick one, the black sheep, and attempt to turn the entire family against that person.

If OP's mom is anything like my MIL, any attempt to get any kind of satisfactory response to the kind of letter OP described is a fruitless endeavor.

OP here. This is definitely my mom. She likes to say "your father ruined you"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my MIL. She will never apologize. One of her adult children wrote a very similar letter to her, and pretty much got the same response. In addition, MIL badmouthed her to the rest of the family about how she just couldn't let the past go, and how she keeps bringing up the past, and making up stories that never happened. MIL also attempted to contact her therapist to discuss some "issues", but the therapist thankfully drew some boundaries. That person eventually went no contact with her, and unfortunately but necessarily, also with the rest of the family and is finally doing much better.

DH agrees with MIL in the aspect that it's pointless to keep digging up the past. He has selective amnesia for his childhood, and I think it's the only way he can be ok as an adult. It's also how he can still have a civil relationship with his parents. He literally does not remember most of his childhood nor does he even give it one second of thought. I'm not sure how he can compartmentalize so severely and completely, but he does. I think his brain is wired to be able to do that. But he has worked on himself in other ways. The rest of the children have struggled with addiction, compulsive behaviors, depression, divorces, suicide attempts.

MIL in fact feels an intolerable amount of guilt. So much so that she will attack when blamed. Gaslight the other person to make them question their reality and make them feel like they are going crazy. Paint that person as the sick one, the black sheep, and attempt to turn the entire family against that person.

If OP's mom is anything like my MIL, any attempt to get any kind of satisfactory response to the kind of letter OP described is a fruitless endeavor.

OP here. This is definitely my mom. She likes to say "your father ruined you"

Oh yeah, that was a thing with MIL too. When that now estranged adult daughter was little, she was still under MIL's control, part of her team, on her side - very enmeshed. But when the daughter dared to oppose her, it was the ultimate betrayal that has never been forgiven, and she is still seeing the consequences. There's a deep competition with the FIL with the kids, and he's pretty much opted out of the contest, which actually works best for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my MIL. She will never apologize. One of her adult children wrote a very similar letter to her, and pretty much got the same response. In addition, MIL badmouthed her to the rest of the family about how she just couldn't let the past go, and how she keeps bringing up the past, and making up stories that never happened. MIL also attempted to contact her therapist to discuss some "issues", but the therapist thankfully drew some boundaries. That person eventually went no contact with her, and unfortunately but necessarily, also with the rest of the family and is finally doing much better.

DH agrees with MIL in the aspect that it's pointless to keep digging up the past. He has selective amnesia for his childhood, and I think it's the only way he can be ok as an adult. It's also how he can still have a civil relationship with his parents. He literally does not remember most of his childhood nor does he even give it one second of thought. I'm not sure how he can compartmentalize so severely and completely, but he does. I think his brain is wired to be able to do that. But he has worked on himself in other ways. The rest of the children have struggled with addiction, compulsive behaviors, depression, divorces, suicide attempts.

MIL in fact feels an intolerable amount of guilt. So much so that she will attack when blamed. Gaslight the other person to make them question their reality and make them feel like they are going crazy. Paint that person as the sick one, the black sheep, and attempt to turn the entire family against that person.

If OP's mom is anything like my MIL, any attempt to get any kind of satisfactory response to the kind of letter OP described is a fruitless endeavor.

OP here. This is definitely my mom. She likes to say "your father ruined you"

Oh yeah, that was a thing with MIL too. When that now estranged adult daughter was little, she was still under MIL's control, part of her team, on her side - very enmeshed. But when the daughter dared to oppose her, it was the ultimate betrayal that has never been forgiven, and she is still seeing the consequences. There's a deep competition with the FIL with the kids, and he's pretty much opted out of the contest, which actually works best for all.

OMG, thank you both, and to everyone on this thread, for all you have written and shared. !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my MIL. She will never apologize. One of her adult children wrote a very similar letter to her, and pretty much got the same response. In addition, MIL badmouthed her to the rest of the family about how she just couldn't let the past go, and how she keeps bringing up the past, and making up stories that never happened. MIL also attempted to contact her therapist to discuss some "issues", but the therapist thankfully drew some boundaries. That person eventually went no contact with her, and unfortunately but necessarily, also with the rest of the family and is finally doing much better.

DH agrees with MIL in the aspect that it's pointless to keep digging up the past. He has selective amnesia for his childhood, and I think it's the only way he can be ok as an adult. It's also how he can still have a civil relationship with his parents. He literally does not remember most of his childhood nor does he even give it one second of thought. I'm not sure how he can compartmentalize so severely and completely, but he does. I think his brain is wired to be able to do that. But he has worked on himself in other ways. The rest of the children have struggled with addiction, compulsive behaviors, depression, divorces, suicide attempts.

MIL in fact feels an intolerable amount of guilt. So much so that she will attack when blamed. Gaslight the other person to make them question their reality and make them feel like they are going crazy. Paint that person as the sick one, the black sheep, and attempt to turn the entire family against that person.

If OP's mom is anything like my MIL, any attempt to get any kind of satisfactory response to the kind of letter OP described is a fruitless endeavor.

OP here. This is definitely my mom. She likes to say "your father ruined you"

Oh yeah, that was a thing with MIL too. When that now estranged adult daughter was little, she was still under MIL's control, part of her team, on her side - very enmeshed. But when the daughter dared to oppose her, it was the ultimate betrayal that has never been forgiven, and she is still seeing the consequences. There's a deep competition with the FIL with the kids, and he's pretty much opted out of the contest, which actually works best for all.

OMG, thank you both, and to everyone on this thread, for all you have written and shared. !

You're welcome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

She's just continuing the abuse by minimizing what happened to you, not acknowledging her role, and not apologizing. I'd be done. And I'd tell her that and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

She's just continuing the abuse by minimizing what happened to you, not acknowledging her role, and not apologizing. I'd be done. And I'd tell her that and why.

Sorry. Posting again due to formatting. She's just continuing the abuse by minimizing what happened to you, not acknowledging her role, and not apologizing. I'd be done. And I'd tell her that and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

She's just continuing the abuse by minimizing what happened to you, not acknowledging her role, and not apologizing. I'd be done. And I'd tell her that and why.

Sorry. Posting again due to formatting. She's just continuing the abuse by minimizing what happened to you, not acknowledging her role, and not apologizing. I'd be done. And I'd tell her that and why.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

OP read this it helped me a lot

https://therumpus.net/2010/11/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-55-the-empty-bowl/

[Anonymous]

This one is pretty good too:

https://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-42-no-is-golden/