I wrote my mom a letter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP read this it helped me a lot

https://therumpus.net/2010/11/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-55-the-empty-bowl/

Great advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please OP, walk away. Don't drive 19 hours to see these people during a pandemic.

You can still.stay low level in touch, there is not need to announce a cutting off of any sort. Therapists who suggest you send these letters and tell people you are cutting them off are borderline abusive in my opinion. Especially when there is documented evidence the family members are abusive.

Don't expose your children to this OP. They will think it is normal!!?

What does low level look like?

[Anonymous]

OP here. My mother texted and wants to get together. Avoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mother texted and wants to get together. Avoid?

What do YOU want? Plenty of posters have indicated that it's okay to take a break from your mother. Is your childhood conditioning kicking in and you feel uncomfortable saying no? What does your therapist think?

Establishing boundaries isn't easy. Yet, until you make up your mind and stand firm on upholding those boundaries, you will feel adrift and battered by your indecision.

FWIW - my vote is to tell her that visit doesn't work for you and you'll let her know when it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mother texted and wants to get together. Avoid?

What do YOU want? Plenty of posters have indicated that it's okay to take a break from your mother. Is your childhood conditioning kicking in and you feel uncomfortable saying no? What does your therapist think?

Establishing boundaries isn't easy. Yet, until you make up your mind and stand firm on upholding those boundaries, you will feel adrift and battered by your indecision.

FWIW - my vote is to tell her that visit doesn't work for you and you'll let her know when it does.

You're right, I know it.

[Anonymous]

classic BPD/narcissist. Does not take responsibility, gaslights, victim blames. Put up your boundaries and stick to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mother texted and wants to get together. Avoid?

What do YOU want? Plenty of posters have indicated that it's okay to take a break from your mother. Is your childhood conditioning kicking in and you feel uncomfortable saying no? What does your therapist think?

Establishing boundaries isn't easy. Yet, until you make up your mind and stand firm on upholding those boundaries, you will feel adrift and battered by your indecision.

FWIW - my vote is to tell her that visit doesn't work for you and you'll let her know when it does.

I want a normal relationship, which I know I won't be getting.

[Anonymous]

OP, just want to let you know I’m dealing with the same thing right now. Sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone. Mourn what you will never have with your mom then move on in the way that is best for you. Be strong, and hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just want to let you know I’m dealing with the same thing right now. Sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone. Mourn what you will never have with your mom then move on in the way that is best for you. Be strong, and hugs to you.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

I read this thread in tears.

As the only child of a narcissistic, controlling mother, my relationship with her has caused me much pain for my entire adult life. I am married with two daughters. I NEVER wanted to have girls because I was afraid that I wouldn't be healthy enough to parent them. I also thought that I was too broken to parent daughters. I wanted boys so badly. Alas, two girls. I have worked OT to do everything the opposite of my mother. My neighbor (who is a therapist, with three adult daughters) tells me often that I am a phenomenal mother and that my girls have the kind of intimacy at home that will give them the foundation for developing healthy relationships as they get older. She said, "they won't go out into the world seeking validation and others to affirm their self-worth because you and your husband have helped them to develop that for themselves." I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.

It would take me years to sum up my relationship with my mother. It's complex. It doesn't provide a source of peace? I have to mentally prepare for visits. My mother has a great sense of humor. She is hilarious. She is generous. She is fearless. She loves my kids. She is nice to my kids. My kids adore her. My kids don't see what I see; they are teenagers. However, they are beginning to see glimpses of the classic NPD and controlling behaviors when I stand up for myself. We've been discussing her behavior as as a family and the more we do that, the more I realize that I've always been afraid to tell her how I feel because she will cut us out of her life. She didn't speak to me for four years (sixteen years ago) because I told her that her that it wasn't healthy to continue to hold grudges against her sibling for something that happened 40 years prior.

I love my mother dearly. I've just come to realize that she isn't someone that I like very much. I've had to set boundaries.

If I'm being totally honest, it's hard to discuss this with people because, 1) I'm embarrassed, 2) I'm tired of hearing "but that's your mother, accept her for who she is", 3) in Black communities, we've simply glossed over bad parental behavior out of duty and respect for the matriarchy and patriarchy, and 4) the guilt you feel when people say "what happens if she dies"?

This is very hard for me. All of the experiences here have really helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

You're mom's right that you DO need to work with your therapist more.

Why are you even posting here? You're looking for validation of your position. Have you told your therapist what you're doing? Grow up and get yourself in a better place mentally. You owe it to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

You're mom's right that you DO need to work with your therapist more.

Why are you even posting here? You're looking for validation of your position. Have you told your therapist what you're doing? Grow up and get yourself in a better place mentally. You owe it to your kids.

Therapy definitely helps but it takes years and years and years to come to terms with this kind of upbringing. You clearly weren't raised by this kind of parent. Even though this is an anonymous board, that was harsh. You should refrain from commenting; even anonymously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread in tears.

As the only child of a narcissistic, controlling mother, my relationship with her has caused me much pain for my entire adult life. I am married with two daughters. I NEVER wanted to have girls because I was afraid that I wouldn't be healthy enough to parent them. I also thought that I was too broken to parent daughters. I wanted boys so badly. Alas, two girls. I have worked OT to do everything the opposite of my mother. My neighbor (who is a therapist, with three adult daughters) tells me often that I am a phenomenal mother and that my girls have the kind of intimacy at home that will give them the foundation for developing healthy relationships as they get older. She said, "they won't go out into the world seeking validation and others to affirm their self-worth because you and your husband have helped them to develop that for themselves." I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.

It would take me years to sum up my relationship with my mother. It's complex. It doesn't provide a source of peace? I have to mentally prepare for visits. My mother has a great sense of humor. She is hilarious. She is generous. She is fearless. She loves my kids. She is nice to my kids. My kids adore her. My kids don't see what I see; they are teenagers. However, they are beginning to see glimpses of the classic NPD and controlling behaviors when I stand up for myself. We've been discussing her behavior as as a family and the more we do that, the more I realize that I've always been afraid to tell her how I feel because she will cut us out of her life. She didn't speak to me for four years (sixteen years ago) because I told her that her that it wasn't healthy to continue to hold grudges against her sibling for something that happened 40 years prior.

I love my mother dearly. I've just come to realize that she isn't someone that I like very much. I've had to set boundaries.

If I'm being totally honest, it's hard to discuss this with people because, 1) I'm embarrassed, 2) I'm tired of hearing "but that's your mother, accept her for who she is", 3) in Black communities, we've simply glossed over bad parental behavior out of duty and respect for the matriarchy and patriarchy, and 4) the guilt you feel when people say "what happens if she dies"?

This is very hard for me. All of the experiences here have really helped me.

HUGS! Oh my gosh. I felt the same way having a daughter! I was so scared!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread in tears.

As the only child of a narcissistic, controlling mother, my relationship with her has caused me much pain for my entire adult life. I am married with two daughters. I NEVER wanted to have girls because I was afraid that I wouldn't be healthy enough to parent them. I also thought that I was too broken to parent daughters. I wanted boys so badly. Alas, two girls. I have worked OT to do everything the opposite of my mother. My neighbor (who is a therapist, with three adult daughters) tells me often that I am a phenomenal mother and that my girls have the kind of intimacy at home that will give them the foundation for developing healthy relationships as they get older. She said, "they won't go out into the world seeking validation and others to affirm their self-worth because you and your husband have helped them to develop that for themselves." I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.

It would take me years to sum up my relationship with my mother. It's complex. It doesn't provide a source of peace? I have to mentally prepare for visits. My mother has a great sense of humor. She is hilarious. She is generous. She is fearless. She loves my kids. She is nice to my kids. My kids adore her. My kids don't see what I see; they are teenagers. However, they are beginning to see glimpses of the classic NPD and controlling behaviors when I stand up for myself. We've been discussing her behavior as as a family and the more we do that, the more I realize that I've always been afraid to tell her how I feel because she will cut us out of her life. She didn't speak to me for four years (sixteen years ago) because I told her that her that it wasn't healthy to continue to hold grudges against her sibling for something that happened 40 years prior.

I love my mother dearly. I've just come to realize that she isn't someone that I like very much. I've had to set boundaries.

If I'm being totally honest, it's hard to discuss this with people because, 1) I'm embarrassed, 2) I'm tired of hearing "but that's your mother, accept her for who she is", 3) in Black communities, we've simply glossed over bad parental behavior out of duty and respect for the matriarchy and patriarchy, and 4) the guilt you feel when people say "what happens if she dies"?

This is very hard for me. All of the experiences here have really helped me.

I wish we could be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?

You're mom's right that you DO need to work with your therapist more.

Why are you even posting here? You're looking for validation of your position. Have you told your therapist what you're doing? Grow up and get yourself in a better place mentally. You owe it to your kids.

Validation of.... what exactly?