Sex therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am a woman and I am not a poster that says you have an obligation to have sex with your husband. I'm not OMG or anyone who thinks your husband has a right to cheat on you if you don't have sex, just, disclaimer. I dislike all those posters!

Sex is important. Not just to men or just to women, but generally, sex is what makes him your husband and not your friend. And some people (I count myself as one of these people) do not feel romantically connected to their spouse without it. It is important to see this as the core issue. If your husband feels loved via sex, and you never have sex with him, he will feel less loved. That will grow. And if you never even try to fix it, the damage that your relationships suffers as a result will be partially your fault.

No one is owed sex, just like no one is owed anything. Gifts at the holidays, kind words, hugs, kisses at night, picking up chores, no one owes anyone any of that. But we do those things to show our spouse we love them. If you love your spouse and want to have a successful marriage, then you will see this as a cancer in your relationship. One that might not kill you in the short term but if left untreated will continue to grow.

Being a mom to three young kids is overwheming (I am right there with you!) but if you forget your marriage while your kids are young you run the risk of not being able to find it when they grow up.

If your husband is otherwise a jerk and there are reasons you don't want to have sex with him that have to do with major issues YOU have with the relationship, than that is just a different form of relationship cancer. Whether the cause is benign or insidious, it still needs to be confronted.

+1

Very well written and even minded.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the comments, but your husband has a problem in your relationship and is asking for help. You need to work with him, just as he should if you came to him with help. Counseling is a good idea. It's good he's talking to you, keep the lines of communication open. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally agree with PP, and I say that as someone who cheated and can admit I was wrong. Like they said, my spouse who stopped having sex with me. It wasn't just a libido issue. If there was love and respect, there would have been sex. Instead it was my spouses way of being passive aggressive and denying me something I needed to be happy.

We were both wrong.

Did you ever ask your wife why she was lacking in love and respect for you? Is it possible that there is something about how your personality/character has changed over the years that has affected her love and respect for you? Is there something about the way you treat her; in other words, does she feel that you treat her with love and respect, that you care deeply about her for who she is?

Sometimes, people don’t communicate well with each other. Misunderstandings happen, and the next thing you know, one person thinks the other doesn’t care for them or love them anymore. Talking and really listening can make a difference if two people can really have trust in each other.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally agree with PP, and I say that as someone who cheated and can admit I was wrong. Like they said, my spouse who stopped having sex with me. It wasn't just a libido issue. If there was love and respect, there would have been sex. Instead it was my spouses way of being passive aggressive and denying me something I needed to be happy.

We were both wrong.

Did you ever ask your wife why she was lacking in love and respect for you? Is it possible that there is something about how your personality/character has changed over the years that has affected her love and respect for you? Is there something about the way you treat her; in other words, does she feel that you treat her with love and respect, that you care deeply about her for who she is?

Sometimes, people don’t communicate well with each other. Misunderstandings happen, and the next thing you know, one person thinks the other doesn’t care for them or love them anymore. Talking and really listening can make a difference if two people can really have trust in each other.

Yes, I asked repeatedly, she never gave a reason for her libido tanking. we had at least a dozen conversations. I am sure there was something, but I can't fix what I don't know. I am sure some of it was just natural loss of desire that most women have after a decade of marriage and kids

[Anonymous]

Once a month is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

No. You do it doggy style so he can’t see how bored you are, and you fake a few grunts and moans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

No. You do it doggy style so he can’t see how bored you are, and you fake a few grunts and moans.

I’m sure she would perk up for Jake from accounting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

Your sex issues are a symptom not the cause of your struggles. You have a crappy husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

Your sex issues are a symptom not the cause of your struggles. You have a crappy husband.

I really don’t. He’s amazing in every other way. We met young and I don’t think we were ever really sexually matched. But it’s gotten a lot worse in the last few years.

People seriously can just fake liking sex week after week when they don’t? I don’t know how to do that. It makes me feel like a prostitute—and not in a sexy way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

No. You do it doggy style so he can’t see how bored you are, and you fake a few grunts and moans.

I’m sure she would perk up for Jake from accounting.

Sure. I would if it was new and exciting and he made me feel desired and didn’t just think good sex just happens after 20 years. So many posts castigating this woman for not wanting sex. But what if the sex isn’t worth wanting? What’s he bringing to the table? Being a good partner is a good thing but it doesn’t automatically make women feel turned on. If your wife doesn’t want sex, maybe guys should ask themselves why!

[Anonymous]

Sex Lives Matter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

What exactly are you bringing into the marital sex life? How often are YOU initiating sex, or kindling his flame, touching him, get him interested?
I mean if you are married to an asshole, no wonder you don’t want sex with him. Divorce the asshole!
But if he’s a decent man, why is it entirely HIS job to rev your engine?

[Anonymous]

OP, mom of 4 here so I get the feelings of being tired and overly touched. But you really are going to destroy your marriage with your attitude of, “Oh, well.” Your husband is telling you that he is struggling and is not feeling happy in the marriage. And you are telling him that his feelings do not matter to you.

Once a week, you should try being “off” after dinner. DH plays with the kids, gets them ready for bed, etc. You sit in the tub with a glass of wine and just get some down time.

I also encourage you to read a book about women’s sexuality called “Come as You Are.” It’s really good and it helped me approach sex less as something I was doing *for* my husband and something that I could find a way to do for me. Now I go into sex knowing that DH is going to focus on me and I’m going to get 2-4 good orgasms before we focus on him. That flow of pitocin is good for my mental health and I’ve come to appreciate it more.

I do hope you make an effort to try to get to 1x/week and find a way for it to be enjoyable for you, too.

[Anonymous]

When the kids are older and you decide it’s time to pay attention to him again, don’t get mad when he doesn’t care.