Sex therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

Confirmed: most men do not have any trouble mentally switching into sex mode. Quite the opposite! Sex is our default mode. We have trouble switching sex mode OFF.

Could you please elaborate more regarding this? As a woman, I'd like an insight into understanding men's sexual needs. What does a day in the life of a man with a switched sex mode, seem like?

We’re think about sex 24/7 - constantly. Capiche?

How accurate is the above?

I thought that it's a myth.

Man here with a very high libido and that is a ridiculous statement. If sex is on your mind constantly, you need help because you aren't concentrating on other things enough. That said, if I haven't had sex in a while, like a week or so, it's going to be on my mind a LOT more and I'll notice women a lot more than usual. It really is a hunger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is complaining about our sex life and wants us to see a therapist that specializes in sex therapy. He wants more, I’m content with it about once a month. We have three young kids. Anyone try this? Helpful or not? I don’t want to go to something where there is yet another person in addition to DH badgering me for more sex.

You’re content once a month....how wonderful! Please don’t use the I’ve got three young kids excuse as we are all busy but most of us find the time. It only takes 15-30 minutes! Turn off Netflix! Why not just admit that you don’t enjoy sex or at least you don’t enjoy it with your husband. Start with being honest with yourself and then go on from there.

Exactly. The only way it's true that you don't have time for sex is if you don't have time for nearly anything else. As in, you aren't watching a single minute of TV, going online-Facebook, etc., talking on the phone or any other leisure activity. Sex does not take hours. Honestly, my wife loves sex but she is fine with about 6 minutes while 15 minutes is a lot most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. A sex therapist is money down the drain.

Nothing turns off a woman faster than a beta husband whining for sex. That guy should refocus on hitting the gym, make himself his mental point of origin, and make his mission (whatever that may be) his priority in life. By killing the beta inside of him he’ll become the man women desire. Once you begin to see that women desire him I guarantee you’ll be having sex a whole lot more than once a month...

Or maybe help her more so she's NOT exhausted at the end of the day. Why is he not helping more with the kids??????

I don't know how much he is or isn't helping with the kids, but ultimately it won't matter to their sex life. There are plenty of empty-nesters not having much sex. There are a million ways to fill up a day, and if she doesn't want to have sex with her husband, she'll always find ways to be too busy

This. It’s really simple - people who want and value sex make time, and people who don’t make excuses.

For real. When she wanted sex, like when she was trying to make babies, I'm sure there was plenty of time to get it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

This ^^^ is the scenario where husband declaring open marriage is in HER best interest. She wants to stay married, but not have sex. That’s just not possible for a man. She can only have what she wants if he’s getting his sex elsewhere.

You won't get anywhere with that argument on this board. I'm a married man with a wife who has zero sex drive and doesn't care one bit about how that affects me. She won't even discuss it. So I've taken on an AP with the same issues in her marriage. I answered questions for over 40 pages in another thread on this forum and I doubt I enlightened a single poster. This forum is made up of too many married women who see themselves in these posts and don't want to face the fact that these belief systems are common to most people, not just men, who are denied sex in marriage. Certainly my H is not like that. He can just JO in the shower.

[Anonymous]

You say this:

>>> I'm a married man with a wife who has zero sex drive and doesn't care one bit about how that affects me. She won't even discuss it.

But also this:

>>> Certainly my H is not like that. He can just JO in the shower.

Clearly you sock puppet, but go ahead and put forth your explanation for why this all makes sense and I just misunderstand.

[Anonymous]

NP. The PP was pretty clearly stating what wives talk themselves into, and mocking what he perceives as thdelusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say this:

>>> I'm a married man with a wife who has zero sex drive and doesn't care one bit about how that affects me. She won't even discuss it.

But also this:

>>> Certainly my H is not like that. He can just JO in the shower.

Clearly you sock puppet, but go ahead and put forth your explanation for why this all makes sense and I just misunderstand.

Clearly you have very little reading comprehension. Forgive me for not putting this in quotes, "Certainly my H is not like that. He can just JO in the shower.." or otherwise making it clear that it refers to the thoughts of your average married woman on DCUM who sees herself in these posts but refuses to believe her H is anything like that men who post about what lack of sex means to them in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

This ^^^ is the scenario where husband declaring open marriage is in HER best interest. She wants to stay married, but not have sex. That’s just not possible for a man. She can only have what she wants if he’s getting his sex elsewhere.

You won't get anywhere with that argument on this board. I'm a married man with a wife who has zero sex drive and doesn't care one bit about how that affects me. She won't even discuss it. So I've taken on an AP with the same issues in her marriage. I answered questions for over 40 pages in another thread on this forum and I doubt I enlightened a single poster. This forum is made up of too many married women who see themselves in these posts and don't want to face the fact that these belief systems are common to most people, not just men, who are denied sex in marriage. Certainly my H is not like that. He can just JO in the shower.

You and I (both sane men) fully understand that the question here is not IF the denied husband is getting his sex elsewhere. We know there is zero doubt about that: 100% take it to the bank.
The question really is limited to: should he bother to TELL his sexless wife this fact? And I say Yes: he should inform her, as a courtesy. This avoids the whole pointless games where he needs to cover his tracks / lie about whereabouts / etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is complaining about our sex life and wants us to see a therapist that specializes in sex therapy. He wants more, I’m content with it about once a month. We have three young kids. Anyone try this? Helpful or not? I don’t want to go to something where there is yet another person in addition to DH badgering me for more sex.

Are you, DW, getting enough time to yourself?

Three young kids is a LOT of work. Are you working, too?

This isn't a woman thing- it's a busy thing.

Most men do not understand how much work it is to be a parent 24/7 because they never have to do it. And divorced dad's don't have to do it unless the former wife loses custody rights.

You both need to agree on having enough sex. If he's going to cheat, it's not because of frequency, it's because he's a cheater. If he's not a cheater, he will work on this with you. You probably need time to yourself, like what he gets.

I take a solo trip every few years and make DH do the parenting/working thing alone for a week. It does wonders for our sexual relationship, and my kids are older.

Cheaters are always looking to justify their behavior. If DH is asking for therapy, then you do owe it to work on this with him. Don't stonewall him. If he thinks it's a problem, it's a problem.

You will feel happier if you fix this problem, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

This ^^^ is the scenario where husband declaring open marriage is in HER best interest. She wants to stay married, but not have sex. That’s just not possible for a man. She can only have what she wants if he’s getting his sex elsewhere.

You won't get anywhere with that argument on this board. I'm a married man with a wife who has zero sex drive and doesn't care one bit about how that affects me. She won't even discuss it. So I've taken on an AP with the same issues in her marriage. I answered questions for over 40 pages in another thread on this forum and I doubt I enlightened a single poster. This forum is made up of too many married women who see themselves in these posts and don't want to face the fact that these belief systems are common to most people, not just men, who are denied sex in marriage. Certainly my H is not like that. He can just JO in the shower.

You and I (both sane men) fully understand that the question here is not IF the denied husband is getting his sex elsewhere. We know there is zero doubt about that: 100% take it to the bank.
The question really is limited to: should he bother to TELL his sexless wife this fact? And I say Yes: he should inform her, as a courtesy. This avoids the whole pointless games where he needs to cover his tracks / lie about whereabouts / etc.

That's what I was told here for tens of pages while I insisted I'll never tell her. I'd rather put up with the deception and let her be blissfully unaware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is complaining about our sex life and wants us to see a therapist that specializes in sex therapy. He wants more, I’m content with it about once a month. We have three young kids. Anyone try this? Helpful or not? I don’t want to go to something where there is yet another person in addition to DH badgering me for more sex.

Are you, DW, getting enough time to yourself?

Three young kids is a LOT of work. Are you working, too?

This isn't a woman thing- it's a busy thing.

Most men do not understand how much work it is to be a parent 24/7 because they never have to do it. And divorced dad's don't have to do it unless the former wife loses custody rights.

You both need to agree on having enough sex. If he's going to cheat, it's not because of frequency, it's because he's a cheater. If he's not a cheater, he will work on this with you. You probably need time to yourself, like what he gets.

I take a solo trip every few years and make DH do the parenting/working thing alone for a week. It does wonders for our sexual relationship, and my kids are older.

Cheaters are always looking to justify their behavior. If DH is asking for therapy, then you do owe it to work on this with him. Don't stonewall him. If he thinks it's a problem, it's a problem.

You will feel happier if you fix this problem, too.

Oh pulease. I was a divorced dad with full custody of my two kids. I worked full time and did it all. Still managed to make time for sex and even new relationships. You can find the time if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Wow, misogynist much? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is complaining about our sex life and wants us to see a therapist that specializes in sex therapy. He wants more, I’m content with it about once a month. We have three young kids. Anyone try this? Helpful or not? I don’t want to go to something where there is yet another person in addition to DH badgering me for more sex.

Are you, DW, getting enough time to yourself?

Three young kids is a LOT of work. Are you working, too?

This isn't a woman thing- it's a busy thing.

Most men do not understand how much work it is to be a parent 24/7 because they never have to do it. And divorced dad's don't have to do it unless the former wife loses custody rights.

You both need to agree on having enough sex. If he's going to cheat, it's not because of frequency, it's because he's a cheater. If he's not a cheater, he will work on this with you. You probably need time to yourself, like what he gets.

I take a solo trip every few years and make DH do the parenting/working thing alone for a week. It does wonders for our sexual relationship, and my kids are older.

Cheaters are always looking to justify their behavior. If DH is asking for therapy, then you do owe it to work on this with him. Don't stonewall him. If he thinks it's a problem, it's a problem.

You will feel happier if you fix this problem, too.

Oh pulease. I was a divorced dad with full custody of my two kids. I worked full time and did it all. Still managed to make time for sex and even new relationships. You can find the time if you want to.

So your ex lost custody?

I'm so sorry to hear that. That is a truly exceptional situation and not relevant here. I hope you are getting the help you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

This ^^^ is the scenario where husband declaring open marriage is in HER best interest. She wants to stay married, but not have sex. That’s just not possible for a man. She can only have what she wants if he’s getting his sex elsewhere.

You won't get anywhere with that argument on this board. I'm a married man with a wife who has zero sex drive and doesn't care one bit about how that affects me. She won't even discuss it. So I've taken on an AP with the same issues in her marriage. I answered questions for over 40 pages in another thread on this forum and I doubt I enlightened a single poster. This forum is made up of too many married women who see themselves in these posts and don't want to face the fact that these belief systems are common to most people, not just men, who are denied sex in marriage. Certainly my H is not like that. He can just JO in the shower.

You and I (both sane men) fully understand that the question here is not IF the denied husband is getting his sex elsewhere. We know there is zero doubt about that: 100% take it to the bank.
The question really is limited to: should he bother to TELL his sexless wife this fact? And I say Yes: he should inform her, as a courtesy. This avoids the whole pointless games where he needs to cover his tracks / lie about whereabouts / etc.

That's what I was told here for tens of pages while I insisted I'll never tell her. I'd rather put up with the deception and let her be blissfully unaware.

You really should tell her. There’s nothing blissful about being unknowingly exposed to STDs.

If you believe that this setup is to her advantage, there’s no reason not to tell her. You can’t assume that she somehow “knows” that if she isn’t having sex with you that you must surely be having sex somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is complaining about our sex life and wants us to see a therapist that specializes in sex therapy. He wants more, I’m content with it about once a month. We have three young kids. Anyone try this? Helpful or not? I don’t want to go to something where there is yet another person in addition to DH badgering me for more sex.

Are you, DW, getting enough time to yourself?

Three young kids is a LOT of work. Are you working, too?

This isn't a woman thing- it's a busy thing.

Most men do not understand how much work it is to be a parent 24/7 because they never have to do it. And divorced dad's don't have to do it unless the former wife loses custody rights.

You both need to agree on having enough sex. If he's going to cheat, it's not because of frequency, it's because he's a cheater. If he's not a cheater, he will work on this with you. You probably need time to yourself, like what he gets.

I take a solo trip every few years and make DH do the parenting/working thing alone for a week. It does wonders for our sexual relationship, and my kids are older.

Cheaters are always looking to justify their behavior. If DH is asking for therapy, then you do owe it to work on this with him. Don't stonewall him. If he thinks it's a problem, it's a problem.

You will feel happier if you fix this problem, too.

Oh pulease. I was a divorced dad with full custody of my two kids. I worked full time and did it all. Still managed to make time for sex and even new relationships. You can find the time if you want to.

So your ex lost custody?

I'm so sorry to hear that. That is a truly exceptional situation and not relevant here. I hope you are getting the help you need.

DP and another divorce dad with primary custody. Seriously, F*** you. I don't make any excuses and while I may not do everything "perfectly" my kids are happy, excelling academically and they each have a nice group of friends. I have a serious job that does afford us a comfortable lifestyle. Yet, I still find time to date, to have sex and to enjoy the women with whom I am involved.

You have serious mental problems. Seek professional help, at least for the sake of your children. They know.