Sex therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

I can have meaningfulness sex, but it’s not my preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

When you've talked about it, what were his reasons for not doing what you've been telling him and showing him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

I can have meaningfulness sex, but it’s not my preference.

What is meaningfulness. Is that a word? Did you mean meaningless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. A sex therapist is money down the drain.

Nothing turns off a woman faster than a beta husband whining for sex. That guy should refocus on hitting the gym, make himself his mental point of origin, and make his mission (whatever that may be) his priority in life. By killing the beta inside of him he’ll become the man women desire. Once you begin to see that women desire him I guarantee you’ll be having sex a whole lot more than once a month...

What the hell kind of weirdo books are you reading???
“Mental point of origin...”
“Killing the beta inside him...”
Ha ha ha, this is rich stuff!
I am checking my mental point of origin right now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

This ^^^ is the scenario where husband declaring open marriage is in HER best interest. She wants to stay married, but not have sex. That’s just not possible for a man. She can only have what she wants if he’s getting his sex elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hijack this thread but for the spouses who are saying that it needs to be at least twice a week or whatever frequency or the spouse will stray.....

I am genuinely curious. Before marriage, when single, did you pretty much go out and have sex with someone at that frequency? Like every week, you’d go out to find someone to have sex with or hire someone to have sex with?

Yes. Not for hire, however. It was abundant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

This ^^^ is the scenario where husband declaring open marriage is in HER best interest. She wants to stay married, but not have sex. That’s just not possible for a man. She can only have what she wants if he’s getting his sex elsewhere.

Also horse shit. It is entirely possible for a man. Happens all the time. And men would also prefer to have sex take place in the context of a loving relationship. This gender essentialism is nonsense. At best we're talking about probabilities caused by social norms for the genders; not iron laws of man versus woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hijack this thread but for the spouses who are saying that it needs to be at least twice a week or whatever frequency or the spouse will stray.....

I am genuinely curious. Before marriage, when single, did you pretty much go out and have sex with someone at that frequency? Like every week, you’d go out to find someone to have sex with or hire someone to have sex with?

Yes. Not for hire, however. It was abundant.

New Poster, keep in mind the last time I was single was when I was in mid-20s, which is a higher libido than mid-40s.

Back then, if I was in a relationship or at least casually dating, we had sex every day or close to it (sometimes multiple times a day). Of course there were times that I was single and went a few weeks without sex. It's not that going a few weeks will kill you, it's that being in a relationship and being rejected is hard to swallow. If I were dating my now wife and we were on our current 1-2x a month frequency, I would just assume the relationship has run its course and its time to move on. Can't do that so easily with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

Actually, you’re wrong. There is abundant academic research and popular writing that says exactly what the poster says. And I don’t believe the comment the poster was referring to was meaningless sex. You kind of went of the flying over the guide rails there and landed up on your bottom in your own little world of meaninglessness. Oops.

Acknowledged that (most) women need love to want sex.... waiting for some reasonable answer to why an UN-loved woman stays married.
Apparently, sex requires love. But marriage does not.

Women stay in unloving marriages for the same reason men stay in low sex or sexless marriages. For the kids and convenience. For some women, the libido just shuts down if they aren't in a good space.

This ^^^ is the scenario where husband declaring open marriage is in HER best interest. She wants to stay married, but not have sex. That’s just not possible for a man. She can only have what she wants if he’s getting his sex elsewhere.

Also horse shit. It is entirely possible for a man. Happens all the time. And men would also prefer to have sex take place in the context of a loving relationship. This gender essentialism is nonsense. At best we're talking about probabilities caused by social norms for the genders; not iron laws of man versus woman.

PP just finished explaining to us how women (specifically) libido shuts down. I countered that men's libido (generally) does not shut down. So in this respect, the ability to survive in a sexless marriage is gendered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

When you've talked about it, what were his reasons for not doing what you've been telling him and showing him?

We talk about it. He says he understands. But is just incapable of doing it. I guess I would be okay with it if he really just wanted to use my body for sex. But he wants me to enjoy myself. But I require intellectual stimulation and he doesn't, and he doesn't know how to provide it. Honestly, I carried it for years with fantasizing about things I find sexy--and pot helped--but I can't smoke pot anymore for medical reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

I could've written this word for word, and then he cheated on me with men.