Sex therapy?

[Anonymous]

Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

Confirmed: most men do not have any trouble mentally switching into sex mode. Quite the opposite! Sex is our default mode. We have trouble switching sex mode OFF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

When you've talked about it, what were his reasons for not doing what you've been telling him and showing him?

We talk about it. He says he understands. But is just incapable of doing it. I guess I would be okay with it if he really just wanted to use my body for sex. But he wants me to enjoy myself. But I require intellectual stimulation and he doesn't, and he doesn't know how to provide it. Honestly, I carried it for years with fantasizing about things I find sexy--and pot helped--but I can't smoke pot anymore for medical reasons.

Hmm. That explains some of it, I guess. If my wife says touch this, don't touch that, faster, softer, use your tongue -- etc., that's pretty easy. If it's "talk and act like a vampire," I'll probably give it a go, but I'll struggle. She'll want something from Bram Stoker or Twilight, and I'll end up giving her the Count from Sesame Street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

Confirmed: most men do not have any trouble mentally switching into sex mode. Quite the opposite! Sex is our default mode. We have trouble switching sex mode OFF.

Could you please elaborate more regarding this? As a woman, I'd like an insight into understanding men's sexual needs. What does a day in the life of a man with a switched sex mode, seem like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

Confirmed: most men do not have any trouble mentally switching into sex mode. Quite the opposite! Sex is our default mode. We have trouble switching sex mode OFF.

Could you please elaborate more regarding this? As a woman, I'd like an insight into understanding men's sexual needs. What does a day in the life of a man with a switched sex mode, seem like?

We’re think about sex 24/7 - constantly. Capiche?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try for once a week. It should be possible to fit in 30 minutes somewhere.

Or 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women need to feel loved to want to make love.

That's horse shit. The genders aren't all that different. It's not uncommon for women to enjoy meaningless sex.

I’ve been married 37 years and I love being loved and that has definitely kept my sexual interests very much alive. My husband shows his affection in many ways big and small even though he is not the hand holding type. Sex once or twice a week is part of that affection and I’m sure it helps sustain the day to day affection. And even after all these years the sex is still very passionate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

Confirmed: most men do not have any trouble mentally switching into sex mode. Quite the opposite! Sex is our default mode. We have trouble switching sex mode OFF.

Could you please elaborate more regarding this? As a woman, I'd like an insight into understanding men's sexual needs. What does a day in the life of a man with a switched sex mode, seem like?

Imagine your horniest day ever: 19 years old, right in the middle of ovulation, sitting behind a row of hot guys.
That's a typical Wednesday for me, 50+ yo male. Rain or shine, good news or bad news, in sickness and in health, sex mode ON.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

Confirmed: most men do not have any trouble mentally switching into sex mode. Quite the opposite! Sex is our default mode. We have trouble switching sex mode OFF.

Could you please elaborate more regarding this? As a woman, I'd like an insight into understanding men's sexual needs. What does a day in the life of a man with a switched sex mode, seem like?

It's like hunger for me. Like, if I just ate, something really delicious would have to be in front of me to make me want to eat again. But as time goes on, unless I eat or at least snack, the hunger grows from something that sounds nice to a near obsession that I can't focus on something until I eat, and I get crabby if someone is waiving food in front of me and denying it.

I can't turn it off anymore than you can suppress hunger. It just comes and gets stronger over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sorry to hijack, but I think this is also relevant.

What if your husband never does anything to make you want to have sex with him? Is nice to you. Caring. A good husband, friend and father. But has gradually over many years totally stopped doing anything that might kindle a flame, doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like to be touched—even after YEARS of telling and showing, just basically wants to have sex randomly when he’s done nothing to make you interested. Has let himself go. (But honestly so have I...so I can’t really blame him, although it seems to matter more to me). I tried sometimes to do it to make him happy because I felt guilty. We were “supposed” to have sex. But after I cried silently a few times and hid it from him (because he would have stopped if he knew I was hating it), I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. For the people who just lie back and think of England, are your husbands really okay with you being starfish? I don’t know how to do that. My husband wants me to enjoy myself yet does nothing that turns me on. So what do you do? Especially when you’ve talked about it three hundred times?

Your sex issues are a symptom not the cause of your struggles. You have a crappy husband.

This is it. The rest of the relationship needs to be good for sex to occur. PP you need to find a new husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All 3 kids are in single digits, but beyond diapers. After a full day I’m exhausted. I’ve had enough touching and at that point I don’t feel like being touched more is at all relaxing. Seems unnatural to force it and DH doesn’t seem to appreciate when I do it but I’m barely into it.

It would be much harder to get divorced. A sex therapist is nonsense and imo a bogus degree.

Get some outside help with the kids and household, then compromise and shoot for 2-3 times a month.

For many women it's another chore, but if it means keeping the family together you need to do it. OP honestly I would make sure you have your own money and funds for a rainy day. I think your DH is the problem, and I wouldn't trust him with what you've posted so far. How would he feel if you suggested a therapist for him if he didn't communicate as much as you liked, or was slacking in other areas? It sucks but you have another child on your hands...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. A sex therapist is money down the drain.

Nothing turns off a woman faster than a beta husband whining for sex. That guy should refocus on hitting the gym, make himself his mental point of origin, and make his mission (whatever that may be) his priority in life. By killing the beta inside of him he’ll become the man women desire. Once you begin to see that women desire him I guarantee you’ll be having sex a whole lot more than once a month...

Or maybe help her more so she's NOT exhausted at the end of the day. Why is he not helping more with the kids??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, having sex once a week is going to be a lot easier than sex therapy or divorce or whatever.

I totally get being overtouched, tired, etc, but I also realized I have to--and can--get myself in the mood. This is what we used to do when the kids were little.

Thursdays--cleaning people came so the house was tidy, we ordered in pizza and salad so I did not cook, I went to an exercise class, came home, showered, had a glass of wine while DH dealt with the kids. after putting them in bed, got myself in the mood with him or on my own, with a little device. At first this felt weird to plan it out but then it was great. DH wasn't wondering if it would happen or not and I did't have to suddenly make the mental switch from mom mode to lover mode. I had plenty of time and I think, ni the end, that was the key. Its making the mental switch to being a lover. DH never had this issue (maybe most men dont?).

Here's the thing: I like sex once I am into it! Its just getting into it that was the huge challenge....

Confirmed: most men do not have any trouble mentally switching into sex mode. Quite the opposite! Sex is our default mode. We have trouble switching sex mode OFF.

Could you please elaborate more regarding this? As a woman, I'd like an insight into understanding men's sexual needs. What does a day in the life of a man with a switched sex mode, seem like?

Imagine a radar screen with a man at the center. At any point in the day there can be a blip on the screen even if it's on the far outer edge. When it's out on the outer edge you might not even notice it but it's there. As it gets closer to the center it begins to get your attention. When it gets to the center you want to fire a torpedo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. A sex therapist is money down the drain.

Nothing turns off a woman faster than a beta husband whining for sex. That guy should refocus on hitting the gym, make himself his mental point of origin, and make his mission (whatever that may be) his priority in life. By killing the beta inside of him he’ll become the man women desire. Once you begin to see that women desire him I guarantee you’ll be having sex a whole lot more than once a month...

Or maybe help her more so she's NOT exhausted at the end of the day. Why is he not helping more with the kids??????

I don't know how much he is or isn't helping with the kids, but ultimately it won't matter to their sex life. There are plenty of empty-nesters not having much sex. There are a million ways to fill up a day, and if she doesn't want to have sex with her husband, she'll always find ways to be too busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All 3 kids are in single digits, but beyond diapers. After a full day I’m exhausted. I’ve had enough touching and at that point I don’t feel like being touched more is at all relaxing. Seems unnatural to force it and DH doesn’t seem to appreciate when I do it but I’m barely into it.

It would be much harder to get divorced. A sex therapist is nonsense and imo a bogus degree.

Get some outside help with the kids and household, then compromise and shoot for 2-3 times a month.

For many women it's another chore, but if it means keeping the family together you need to do it. OP honestly I would make sure you have your own money and funds for a rainy day. I think your DH is the problem, and I wouldn't trust him with what you've posted so far. How would he feel if you suggested a therapist for him if he didn't communicate as much as you liked, or was slacking in other areas? It sucks but you have another child on your hands...

2 - 3 per month would not keep me married and faithful.
Just saying.