If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "issue" that the spouse has is no doubt connected to your treatment of him/her.

I 100% agree.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the volume of terrible advice you are getting on this is amazing!

Tell, tell, tell, and not for you but for your spouse. You cannot rebuild your marriage on lies. Also, you need to do your own therapy to figure your crap out and really learn why you looked elsewhere to fix your problems instead of communicating with your spouse and leaving the marriage first. EVERY therapist that specializes in infidelity recommends telling, and will often facilitate the disclosure. Having your spouse find out years later - and you won’t believe how often this happens- is horrific for the spouse. They have to process something that, to them, feels like it just happened while you may have processed it years and years ago. It will make your spouse feel that everything that happened in their life since the affair was a lie. Go to survivinginfidelity.com and just read through the forums - you will get much better advice there from people who have dealt with infidelity, and every single poster will recommend telling. Don’t underestimate the trauma this will cause your spouse, even though the affair is over.

+1

I like the betrayed wives website even better. It applies to betrayed husband’s too

These websites should be required reading for any spouse contemplating an affair

[Anonymous]

There are some bad therapists out there. My spouse started seeing one without my knowledge because of his affair. He was spiraling out of control because of weight of deception/double life and other married AP starting to ask for more/mentioning leaving her husband. The therapist never made him confront the affair. Not once. She was awful and even when he decided to tell me everything she kept saying- don’t give a name, don’t tell details....all the EXACT opposite things every authority on affairs/infidelities advocates. I have seen copies of therapist emails and I wanted her license taken away. I also spoke to her myself when he signed a waiver (she was also against) to allow her to disclose to me details of sessions. Fired her and he is doing fantastic with two new therapists, that both immediately identified his childhood trauma and mental illness. She never even tested him or formally diagnosed.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell. It causes all sorts of pain. If you think you can make this work and not cheat again, stay married. If you really honestly don't love your husband, however, then you should divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the volume of terrible advice you are getting on this is amazing!

Tell, tell, tell, and not for you but for your spouse. You cannot rebuild your marriage on lies. Also, you need to do your own therapy to figure your crap out and really learn why you looked elsewhere to fix your problems instead of communicating with your spouse and leaving the marriage first. EVERY therapist that specializes in infidelity recommends telling, and will often facilitate the disclosure. Having your spouse find out years later - and you won’t believe how often this happens- is horrific for the spouse. They have to process something that, to them, feels like it just happened while you may have processed it years and years ago. It will make your spouse feel that everything that happened in their life since the affair was a lie. Go to survivinginfidelity.com and just read through the forums - you will get much better advice there from people who have dealt with infidelity, and every single poster will recommend telling. Don’t underestimate the trauma this will cause your spouse, even though the affair is over.

Agree. The 'lay people' touting continued dishonesty are doing you a disservice, OP.

[Anonymous]

Keep it to yourself. If you want to save your marriage, this will have the exact opposite effect. I wouldn't want to know.

[Anonymous]

Keep it to yourself

[Anonymous]

If your spouse finds out...and it's not uncommon for it to be discovered years after the fact. Remorseful AP or spouse of AP finds out and tells---it would result in divorce most definitely because you kept it buried.

If you come clean, it will be difficult for awhile, but ultimately it will allow for the marriage to repair. It will not repair with secrets. And, your spouse will eventually be able to work to trust. But, yeah, if they find out prior to you disclosing--that is BAD news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse finds out...and it's not uncommon for it to be discovered years after the fact. Remorseful AP or spouse of AP finds out and tells---it would result in divorce most definitely because you kept it buried.

If you come clean, it will be difficult for awhile, but ultimately it will allow for the marriage to repair. It will not repair with secrets. And, your spouse will eventually be able to work to trust. But, yeah, if they find out prior to you disclosing--that is BAD news.

OP here, why are you so sure if I disclose it can be worked out. Most people on here respond that if their spouse cheated, they would be gone and counsel others to do the same.

And if something comes to light say a year or two from now, isnt it easier to deal with for my spouse if it's then like 4 or 5 years in the past? As opposed to more recent? Seems like the more time that goes by the easier it would be to process if I have been faithful for the years in between which I have been

[Anonymous]

Don’t disclose OP. It’s over and it’s never going to happen again. You’re human and people make mistakes. I would prefer not to know, especially if marriage is going well and it really wasn’t happening ever again. There seem to be a lot of people on here with an ax to grind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse finds out...and it's not uncommon for it to be discovered years after the fact. Remorseful AP or spouse of AP finds out and tells---it would result in divorce most definitely because you kept it buried.

If you come clean, it will be difficult for awhile, but ultimately it will allow for the marriage to repair. It will not repair with secrets. And, your spouse will eventually be able to work to trust. But, yeah, if they find out prior to you disclosing--that is BAD news.

OP here, why are you so sure if I disclose it can be worked out. Most people on here respond that if their spouse cheated, they would be gone and counsel others to do the same.

And if something comes to light say a year or two from now, isnt it easier to deal with for my spouse if it's then like 4 or 5 years in the past? As opposed to more recent? Seems like the more time that goes by the easier it would be to process if I have been faithful for the years in between which I have been

Hell no. It doesn’t work like that. Read the affair websites others have pointed to you. The ones doing the worst are people that found out years later. The idea of lying for so many years and keeping secrets makes it much harder. They also will not necessarily believe they have been faithful in the interim.

There are no guarantees of anything in life. I get so mad at people that have affairs on their marriages because it is so selfish with zero thought of the spouse, the children and the spouse and children you don’t know.

Then, cheaters don’t want to own it. Much more respect for somebody that admits they lacked integrity and did something morally wrong, admits and makes amends.

Everything you wrote us still all about YOU. The issue with your spouse was most likely caused by your behavior towards him (either subconsciously or intentionally). People having affairs gaslight their spouses and look for reasons to justify their shitty behavior. A spouse will become over critical, check out and look only for faults o they can go roll in the hay or suck pipe without shame or guilt.

For the first time in your life/marriage, you need to start owning your shortcomings and behavior and get to the root of the problem. Is there past trauma? Unaddressed childhood issues? Why are you looking outside for validation? Get individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

This ho definitely sounds like she’ll do it again. Still blaming cheating on spouse and “his issue”. Nothing justifies cheating in a marriage. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only reason to tell spouse now is to get it off YOUR chest. I see that as selfish. This will hurt your spouse. You would be bringing him pain *just* to make you feel better.

Take it to the Grave. You messed up. That is what you deserve .... live with it.

And this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only reason to tell spouse now is to get it off YOUR chest. I see that as selfish. This will hurt your spouse. You would be bringing him pain *just* to make you feel better.

Take it to the Grave. You messed up. That is what you deserve .... live with it.

And this.

I think only those that have been cheated on are qualified to answer this question.

Listening to other liars/cheaters or people who never experienced infidelity in real life have no business offering advice.