Reply to Children of divorce - how to decide where they live after 18?

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[quote=Anonymous]If alienation has been at play, this could be a fresh opportunity for a better relationship on new footing.  But you get to set the terms.  We were pretty strict with my SD when she wanted to live with us after the end of her freshman year because she still was exclusively using us as an ATM and then expected to live with us rent free, responsibility free, with her own rules.  We set some really basic adult expectations, like, clean up after yourself, don’t leave dishes in the sink, contribute to the household (like, buy toilet paper for the bathroom you use).  But we added one that was a take it or leave it situation: we wanted her home on work nights by midnight or just text us by midnight to let us know that she wasn’t coming home.  Otherwise, my husband couldn’t sleep.  When she had her own place, he didn’t worry about her that much, and if she just said she was crashing at a friend’s or whatever it was NBD.  But we would have gone crazy if she was staggering home every night at 2 and 3 am.  She complained that it was a curfew and we made it clear that she could stay out all night if she wanted.  We just weren’t willing to live with a habit of having to stay up late every night wondering when she would be home.

That was a dealbreaker for her after a couple of months (as was the expectation that she wash her own dishes promptly...that is, not 4 days later.) also, we wouldn’t let her get a dog. DH’s perspective was that living with us rent-free was a privilege for which we got to set the ground rules we were willing to live with.  If she didn’t like them, she wasn’t forced to stay.

after 2 months, she moved in with her mom and got a dog who proceeded to do thousands of dollars of damage to the rented townhome because she didn’t come home often enough to walk him and he was so lonely, he developed an anxiety disorder and started eating the drywall, poor thing.  Mom put up with it (and dirty dishes, and lack of sleep) for two years, lost the whole security deposit, and was even more stressed than during the high school years.

You don’t have to offer space as a free for all.  If you’re willing to try it, lay down whatever reasonable ground rules you expect and make it clear that you will stick by them.  If your SC doesn’t like it, he/she can find alternate housing.[/quote]

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