Will this wreck my relationship?

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy like this. It was frustrating and hard on me emotionally. He was emotionally very closed off and completely incapable of physical affection. (I knew a couple of other girls who had dated him and he was the same way with them.) I finally gave up on him, though we kept going back and forth in a FWB thing for YEARS.

He ended up meeting some much younger (and let's face it hotter) woman, marrying her and having kids with her pretty much right away. That stung. I kind of thought he would be single forever. But I have to remind myself that he is probably like that with her too. And it may be hard for her, but she, unlike me, actually has to wake up with him every day and parent with him. Having a guy who could only show me the barest hints of affection would have worn on me over time. I think if I'd married him, I would eventually have had an affair with the first guy who gave me a really good hug because I would have been so starved for affection.

Could you take a break from him and the relationship? See if he misses you and if it makes some things clearer to him? Or see if you feel ok on your own, and realize that you are happier without him. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

IMO, he is either not that into you and/or he has commitment issues. Either way, big red flag.

I could totally understand a 20 something year old guy taking it really really slowly, but not a 30 something year old guy who knows his own mind and what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Propose to him. If he wants to marry you he will say yes. If not, he will say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy like this. It was frustrating and hard on me emotionally. He was emotionally very closed off and completely incapable of physical affection. (I knew a couple of other girls who had dated him and he was the same way with them.) I finally gave up on him, though we kept going back and forth in a FWB thing for YEARS.

He ended up meeting some much younger (and let's face it hotter) woman, marrying her and having kids with her pretty much right away. That stung. I kind of thought he would be single forever. But I have to remind myself that he is probably like that with her too. And it may be hard for her, but she, unlike me, actually has to wake up with him every day and parent with him. Having a guy who could only show me the barest hints of affection would have worn on me over time. I think if I'd married him, I would eventually have had an affair with the first guy who gave me a really good hug because I would have been so starved for affection.

Could you take a break from him and the relationship? See if he misses you and if it makes some things clearer to him? Or see if you feel ok on your own, and realize that you are happier without him. Good luck.

It could actually be that he is different with her because he has grown up. I was kind of closed off emotionally to a guy I was dating; he was kind of a commitment phobe (prior issues with previous GF) -- we were in two different places in our lives, and while we kept coming back together, the relationship was never going to progress.

FF years later - we are both married to different people; I'm more affectionate and a bit more open with my DH. I grew up, dealt with some issues, but it also helped that DH was not a commitment phobe.

Sometimes two people can really love each other but not be right for each other and be in two different places in their lives so it's not going to work out. That could be you and that guy and OP and her BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Propose to him. If he wants to marry you he will say yes. If not, he will say no.

bad advice. The guy might just say yes just because it's an easy out. No way... make him show that he wants a life with OP, and not just stringing her along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Propose to him. If he wants to marry you he will say yes. If not, he will say no.

She basically proposed moving in together, and he just ignored it. There’s her answer, sadly.

[Anonymous]

I'm with everyone else OP.

I married a guy like yours, only mine was nowhere near as bad.

I have spent the decade of our marriage wondering if I made a mistake, if I should have prioritized my needs and dreams more, if I can spend the rest of my life living this way.

You will never again see as much motivation as you are seeing now from your boyfriend. When/if he moves in with you or marries you there will be a precipitous dropoff in motivation to make an effort towards maintaining the relationship.

Given where you are now, that dropoff would leave you with practically nothing.

You can no longer see the forest for the trees with this guy - you need to get out. A couple of years from now, and hopefully a much happier, more loving, more balanced relationship from now, you will look back on this and be eternally grateful you didn't subject yourself to a miserable life of begging for crumbs.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a lot of life experience on DCUM, and I’m hoping that you see the pattern of responses.

The only thing I’d say is to issue an ultimatum to yourself, and not to him. Give yourself a timeline to get out if he hasn’t started addressing this seriously. Two years in, you shouldn’t be tiptoeing around expressions of love, or serious expressions of a future life together. These are supposed to be the sweet years of your relationship, before real life becomes hard. If he can’t navigate this part, he’s never going to be able to navigate the really hard parts later on. Stop lapping up his crumbs and realize there are men out there who will be happy with nothing less than giving you the whole cake, happily, willingly, and without question.

And, this isn’t an insult, but understand that pretty much every torn up woman in a bad relationship has uttered the words “but I love him”. Loving him isn’t going to change him, and it’s not doing you any good, either.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s fine if you want to be with him. There’s a lid for every pot.

Just remember this: this is as good as it gets. He’s never going to change. Every time you’re at a crossroads, every big decision, he’s going to drag his feet even when you KNOW what the right decision is. Marriage, kids, career moves, buying a home, decorating your home, getting a pet, choosing a school for the kids if you’re still young enough to have them when he gives the go ahead...

It’s not that he’s bad or unworthy of love that concerns me. It’s that you’re already frustrated with who he is at his core when you’re only 2 years in, when you’re both still on your best behavior. Imagine dealing with his decision related paralysis when you’re sleep deprived with 2 under 2 trying to keep your career from being mommy tracked and he needs his hand held as you’re trying to convince him he needs to rearrange his work schedule so he can help with daycare drop offs or that you need more space and a bigger home. Things are optimal and stress free right now, and while the rewards grow over time, so does the stress. It’s not going to get easier.

OP read this 800 times.

Your posts when you are married will consist of all the frustrations about moving, kids, career, and other things times 100. When everyone asks you if he was like this before you married him and you answer yes, nobody will feel sorry for you.

This is who he is which is fine. Just know that it magnifies once you are married (if you get there) and way more significant decisions need to be made where you expect action and not dragging of the feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I agree with an ultimatum.

Even if he gives into the ultimatum and marries her, he will still be the same person. The same frustrations will always be there. This is who he is. I would cut my losses now and run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Propose to him. If he wants to marry you he will say yes. If not, he will say no.

bad advice. The guy might just say yes just because it's an easy out. No way... make him show that he wants a life with OP, and not just stringing her along.

Every single guy who proposes also has to deal with this possibility - that the woman is just saying yes because it is an easy out.

No one is stringing anyone along. Both people choose to be in the relationship or end it. Women have autonomy to make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Propose to him. If he wants to marry you he will say yes. If not, he will say no.

bad advice. The guy might just say yes just because it's an easy out. No way... make him show that he wants a life with OP, and not just stringing her along.

Every single guy who proposes also has to deal with this possibility - that the woman is just saying yes because it is an easy out.

No one is stringing anyone along. Both people choose to be in the relationship or end it. Women have autonomy to make their own decisions.

I think the point is that it's not great to propose as a way to save a relationship, as opposed to because you are really happy and want to make it permanent. Don't get married because the other option is breaking up. Get married because this is a relationship that works and you want to keep it going.

It's like having a baby to save a marriage, as opposed to having a baby because you want to raise a child in this loving home.

[Anonymous]

This is what he is like. He is not going to change. He is going to be the worst husband and father to your children. Non-committal and wanting his own space the entire time.

That's hell to live with. Please don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked about 4 months ago if we should start talking about moving in together since that's the next logical step. He hesitated (as I expected he would), and he said he doesn't feel like he's ready for that. He said he still feels we have some things to work out.

Start with this OP.
Did he tell you what those things are?
If not then you need to ask him so that you two can begin working on them.

[Anonymous]

What does this guy do when he's not with you? What do you do together and how much time do you spend doing things? Do you know why he's like this? Is he like this with his other relationships? Does he have close friends? What does he want in life? Is he on the immature side? Does he have a decent job?