Will this wreck my relationship?

[Anonymous]

You could give him an ultimatum- time to sh!t or get off the pot.

But personally, I would never want to be with someone who I had to leverage. Did that, it was awful, would never do it again. It you don't want me, cool, I'll go find someone who can't get enough of me.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you really think you want to marry this man, and you are sure you do, I would not move in with him. That just prolongs this in-between-stage. Instead I would announce, or put in a not .. you'd like to be married by xx date and btw that would mean being engaged by yy date. Make both dates far enough in the future so he has plenty of time to get comfortable with the idea but close enough dates that you are not at all resentful for wasting time on him if engagement/marriage never happens.

I would not do this with most men, but from what you've said, and your personality and wishes, I think this is what you should do.

[Anonymous]

First, his feet-dragging/meandering personality isn't a problem on its own. It doesn't mean he's a bad person or even a bad partner. But it does mean that you two are going to act really differently in a relationship. If you were both happy to wander along, enjoy one another's company, and just let time take its course – then great! The problem is that he wants that and you don't. And he's getting what he wants and you are not. Which isn't fair to you.

I think you need to decide whether you want to make this work (or make a go at it), knowing that he will be like this forever. He's always going to drag his feet on major decisions and sometimes that ends up making the decision. You do that when trying to buy a house and someone else will put in an offer first – and you lose the house.

If you do want to try, I would sit him down and level: "I care about you, I enjoy being with you, but right now, we are operating entirely on your timeline and never on mine. I want to make these specific decisions in the next year. Is that something you will be able to do? You need to say 'yes' or 'no,' not 'maybe.' If not, maybe we should accept that we want different things."

[Anonymous]

You feel like he’s treating you like a child because he *IS* treating you like one. Stop standing for it!

OP, your BF is not meeting you halfway. He’s just doing whatever TF he wants to do. How is it ok for him not to even respond to you in a conversation?

You’ve done all you can do. Life is too short for people who play games. Next step is to break up with him and move on. You will meet someone who doesn’t behave like this, and you’ll look back on this like you dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, his feet-dragging/meandering personality isn't a problem on its own. It doesn't mean he's a bad person or even a bad partner. But it does mean that you two are going to act really differently in a relationship. If you were both happy to wander along, enjoy one another's company, and just let time take its course – then great! The problem is that he wants that and you don't. And he's getting what he wants and you are not. Which isn't fair to you.

I think you need to decide whether you want to make this work (or make a go at it), knowing that he will be like this forever. He's always going to drag his feet on major decisions and sometimes that ends up making the decision. You do that when trying to buy a house and someone else will put in an offer first – and you lose the house.

If you do want to try, I would sit him down and level: "I care about you, I enjoy being with you, but right now, we are operating entirely on your timeline and never on mine. I want to make these specific decisions in the next year. Is that something you will be able to do? You need to say 'yes' or 'no,' not 'maybe.' If not, maybe we should accept that we want different things."

NP and I think this is good advice, and wish I heard all this advice many years ago.

How old are you OP? I think the 2 year mark is definitely a sensible time to seriously discuss the timeline for marriage. I had brought it up as well around that time, and my partner was too skilled at talking me out of what I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, his feet-dragging/meandering personality isn't a problem on its own. It doesn't mean he's a bad person or even a bad partner. But it does mean that you two are going to act really differently in a relationship. If you were both happy to wander along, enjoy one another's company, and just let time take its course – then great! The problem is that he wants that and you don't. And he's getting what he wants and you are not. Which isn't fair to you.

I think you need to decide whether you want to make this work (or make a go at it), knowing that he will be like this forever. He's always going to drag his feet on major decisions and sometimes that ends up making the decision. You do that when trying to buy a house and someone else will put in an offer first – and you lose the house.

If you do want to try, I would sit him down and level: "I care about you, I enjoy being with you, but right now, we are operating entirely on your timeline and never on mine. I want to make these specific decisions in the next year. Is that something you will be able to do? You need to say 'yes' or 'no,' not 'maybe.' If not, maybe we should accept that we want different things."

NP and I think this is good advice, and wish I heard all this advice many years ago.

How old are you OP? I think the 2 year mark is definitely a sensible time to seriously discuss the timeline for marriage. I had brought it up as well around that time, and my partner was too skilled at talking me out of what I wanted.

OP said on page 1 they are early 30s.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you would be happy with this guy if he were rewired, but not as he is now.

You left him a note which he completely ignored, you say.

You two are on different planets on pretty important things. The bottom line is that he will be in control of the relationship because he's setting the ceiling on pace and commitment. It will always be this way and it has already caused you suffering.

I divorced someone after over 15 years together and largely it can be distilled down to this kind of thing. I "loved" him and he "loved" me, I felt so happy when he would finally be there when I needed him. But throughout our relationship as life happened and evolved, his "availability" was a problem for me in some form or other.

Therapy helped me realize that I should have never continued the relationship past the first year or two when frankly I knew all I needed to know.

You don't have to be in lockstep with someone, but you have to be compatible, or else you will be crazy and unhappy. I am now remarried to someone who is more compatible in availability and it is life-changing.

Stop chasing this man. I'm sure you love each other and all that. Doesn't mean you should be together. You're not really appreciating and accepting each other for who you really are. If he did, he wouldn't ignore your note! And I guess you wouldn't have left it for him!

[Anonymous]

Stop paying attention to his words. Pay attention to his actions and behavior. He's showing you exactly what his intentions are and what he wants, you're just not listening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop paying attention to his words. Pay attention to his actions and behavior. He's showing you exactly what his intentions are and what he wants, you're just not listening.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, you're trying to force him to make a decision that he doesn't want to make. The problem is not that you haven't figured out how to do it yet. The problem is that he doesn't want to make that decision. Even if you do end up together, your whole life together will be like this for the rest of your life. Give up now. Move on. Find somebody else.

[Anonymous]

OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Why do you keep initiating the same exchange, only to get the same (non)-response? (That's a real question. Why do you keep doing this?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Why do you keep initiating the same exchange, only to get the same (non)-response? (That's a real question. Why do you keep doing this?)

OP: Is it a non-response? What should I do instead? Should I say, "No, I want to talk about it now. What are we doing?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, make him set a firm date. Don't accept anymore "soon" responses.