Will this wreck my relationship?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. He's been very, very slow to progress the relationship along. (A few examples: I had to ask repeatedly to meet his friends and family after about a year of dating before it happened. I had to request we start spending more time together instead of periodic weekend dates. I've had to sit down and ask repeatedly where we're going. I've had to really steer the relationship.) He's anxious and cautious and doesn't really have any joie de vivre, so it's not that he isn't happy to be with me; he's just content with a different level.
In any case, he's been saying for a while that he wants to spend his life with me, which is great because I'd like to spend mine with him. I asked about 4 months ago if we should start talking about moving in together since that's the next logical step. He hesitated (as I expected he would), and he said he doesn't feel like he's ready for that. He said he still feels we have some things to work out. Things have been going well, and I slipped a little picture and note in his laptop bag a few days ago. It was just saying "I love you. I miss you very much when I'm without you, and I get so much joy from being with you." I included a line that said I'd like to revisit the idea of potentially moving in together this summer. He completely ignored it. I told him I hoped he liked his little note, and he said he did, but never said a word about anything else. Today, I told him I couldn't wait to curl up with him every night. He said, "We'll have that." I felt a little frustrated and told him I felt like a child that was being "promised" a pony by her parents. He didn't say anything. What do I do at this point? He always tells me he wants to spend his life with me. Do I sit down and force him to tell me when we're going to make that happen? I know him, and I know that won't go well. It never has in the past when I've pressed something. I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. |
Anonymous
Why do you want to spend your life with him? Let’s start there. |
Anonymous
He's truly my best friend. I enjoy our time together very much. I'm really happy when I'm with him. |
Anonymous
| Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both? |
Anonymous
Early 30s |
Anonymous
|
It’s fine if you want to be with him. There’s a lid for every pot. Just remember this: this is as good as it gets. He’s never going to change. Every time you’re at a crossroads, every big decision, he’s going to drag his feet even when you KNOW what the right decision is. Marriage, kids, career moves, buying a home, decorating your home, getting a pet, choosing a school for the kids if you’re still young enough to have them when he gives the go ahead... It’s not that he’s bad or unworthy of love that concerns me. It’s that you’re already frustrated with who he is at his core when you’re only 2 years in, when you’re both still on your best behavior. Imagine dealing with his decision related paralysis when you’re sleep deprived with 2 under 2 trying to keep your career from being mommy tracked and he needs his hand held as you’re trying to convince him he needs to rearrange his work schedule so he can help with daycare drop offs or that you need more space and a bigger home. Things are optimal and stress free right now, and while the rewards grow over time, so does the stress. It’s not going to get easier. |
Anonymous
This is so true. |
Anonymous
Let’s try again. What about him do you love? |
Anonymous
Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring. |
Anonymous
What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait? |
Anonymous
Move on. I married my best friend because I was over the moon in love, even though he’s on the spectrum. (Didn’t know it at the time, just that he was “quirky” and slow to make decisions, among other things.) I wouldn’t say I regret it, but damn life is so freaking hard. So much harder than it should be. It doesn’t have to be that way. Love doesn’t magically make it easy or right. |
Anonymous
You can talk to him about it but I definitely wouldn't just wait around. And DEFINITELY don't move in together, not in your 30s. You'll lose all momentum and leverage, especially since he's someone you basically have to force to move forward. This isn't going in a good direction, OP. You can't make him want these things and that hurts. Give him a deadline to get engaged or you'll end it. After two years in your 30s, six months is sufficient. Then keep it moving if he doesn't move forward. Say you're 32 now. You'll spend the the next year convincing him to move in together, then another three years getting him to propose. Then he won't want to actually plan the wedding or set the date. It'll take two more years, at which point you'll be frantic because of your biological clock and you'll feel like you have sunk all sorts of time into this guy. Meanwhile, he just keeps being him, plodding along. Find someone who is excited about you and your joint future, someone who's excited to introduce you to his family and friends from the beginning. Good luck. |
Anonymous
I think that’s a little harsh, don’t you? I’m not saying OP should hang around forever, but to suggest she should abruptly leave a man she has clearly stated she loves simply because he hasn’t popped the question on her timeline is ludicrous. |
Anonymous
Sure it’s harsh. But you know what else is harsh? Having to be the only one driving a relationship. Having to beg someone to introduce you to their friends and family after a year. And possibly having to insist on setting a date for a wedding, or decide between saving for retirement or paying for fertility treatments because you let him take so long to decide to have kids. Love doesn’t conquer all, especially not time. Maybe that kind of relationship works for some, but it’s draining to me to always have to push for a normal progression in a relationship. She doesn’t have to do it abruptly, but she should know he’s incredibly unlikely to change, even if he agrees to move in tomorrow and says he wants marriage and kids someday. She’s doing all the heavy lifting, and most people don’t shine when life becomes more stressful. |
Anonymous
|
Eh, I don't see this happening. You don't want the same things. And your resentment will grow. 2 years in early 30s, you should be talking marriage kids with a specific timeline.havr you even talked specifically about the future? Like...kids, family, where to live, views on finances, etc?
I would have one conversation, either you guys talk about timeline to get engaged or break up. Do not move in with him op!!! He's the type to drag it out for years. Maybe eventually at 42 he married someone he met 6 months prior |