Will this wreck my relationship?

[Anonymous]

OP move on. This sounds incredibly painful- why do you want to marry someone who clearly does not want to marry you?

It’s common to not 100% be on the same page with timing, but this is beyond normal. Please don’t try to wrangle this guy into marriage- I don’t foresee it being happy. Cut your losses and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s fine if you want to be with him. There’s a lid for every pot.

Just remember this: this is as good as it gets. He’s never going to change. Every time you’re at a crossroads, every big decision, he’s going to drag his feet even when you KNOW what the right decision is. Marriage, kids, career moves, buying a home, decorating your home, getting a pet, choosing a school for the kids if you’re still young enough to have them when he gives the go ahead...

It’s not that he’s bad or unworthy of love that concerns me. It’s that you’re already frustrated with who he is at his core when you’re only 2 years in, when you’re both still on your best behavior. Imagine dealing with his decision related paralysis when you’re sleep deprived with 2 under 2 trying to keep your career from being mommy tracked and he needs his hand held as you’re trying to convince him he needs to rearrange his work schedule so he can help with daycare drop offs or that you need more space and a bigger home. Things are optimal and stress free right now, and while the rewards grow over time, so does the stress. It’s not going to get easier.

This is so true.

+1 You just got some great wisdom; dcum at its best. 100% true.

[Anonymous]

Hi! I’m you in ten years. I have one child and a new house where I only get to see my child 50% of the time. For ten long years I begged for every bit of affection and love I got. It’s heartbreaking.

You shouldn’t have to beg for love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?

Early 30s

Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.

What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?

It sounds like you’ve had this conversation with him many, many times; he knows exactly how you feel. You’re spinning your wheels.

This relationship seems like a lot of work for you; you’re sweating with the effort of connecting your lives, winded and out of breath, pushing a boulder up a hill and he’s just going about his life, with his eyes on his own path, leisurely strolling. You’ve had to fight for every step forward.

Do not move in with him - then you’ll really be stuck and you’ll never get married. I don’t know what to say — you’re just on different pages, for whatever reason. How much more time are you willing to give it?

[Anonymous]

And I agree with an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

You need to read that old book, “he’s just not that into you.”

[Anonymous]

This seems like a lot of work. Why do you want to be with someone that requires you to do this much emotional labor? What is he doing to move the relationship forward, to SHOW you that he wants to be with you? My father always advised me to listen to what he says AND watch what he does. If the words don't align with the actions, that tells you everything you need to know.

[Anonymous]

OP, as someone who’s BTDT, I’d advise you to move along, as painful as that will be. For me, it’s not so much that he won’t move in with you NOW, it’s that he lacks any excitement for the future (you say he says it, but the reality is, he avoids the topic when it means coming up with at least a semi concrete plan).

You’re in your 30s, and two years is a fair amount of time invested with no plans, if you’re looking to get married and have children.

This guy is living the life he wants, with no consideration to the life you want, which is okay, but it’s enough of a reason to cut loses and find someone who is genuinely excited to spend their life with you.

If I were you, I’d start extracting yourself a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s fine if you want to be with him. There’s a lid for every pot.

Just remember this: this is as good as it gets. He’s never going to change. Every time you’re at a crossroads, every big decision, he’s going to drag his feet even when you KNOW what the right decision is. Marriage, kids, career moves, buying a home, decorating your home, getting a pet, choosing a school for the kids if you’re still young enough to have them when he gives the go ahead...

It’s not that he’s bad or unworthy of love that concerns me. It’s that you’re already frustrated with who he is at his core when you’re only 2 years in, when you’re both still on your best behavior. Imagine dealing with his decision related paralysis when you’re sleep deprived with 2 under 2 trying to keep your career from being mommy tracked and he needs his hand held as you’re trying to convince him he needs to rearrange his work schedule so he can help with daycare drop offs or that you need more space and a bigger home. Things are optimal and stress free right now, and while the rewards grow over time, so does the stress. It’s not going to get easier.

This is so true.

+1 You just got some great wisdom; dcum at its best. 100% true.

+1000. This is him at his best and he will likely crater under the pressure of small kids. Do you really want to work so hard for every step forward? Do you want to make all decisions yourself and beg him to give you minimal cooperation? That will get old very, very fast. You can do better. No sit-down talk, no ultimatum. You should not spend any more time with this man. Tell him you want different things and break up. Love is nowhere near enough if you want a family.

[Anonymous]

This is very easy OP:

Don’t beg a man or anyone to:
Move in with you
Propose to you
Marry you

Don’t you think that he would have done it already if he wanted to? He knows you’re not going anywhere and he doesn’t want to lock you down. If he really wanted you to be his, he would never give another man a chance to steal you.

Men are not confused, and you can’t convince or force them to do anything.

Ask him what his timeline is and see if it works for you, but since you’re in your 30’s, I suggest you start dating other people. It might give him the incentive to put a ring on it but I wouldn’t count on it.

Words and promises mean nothing if he’s not taking action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who’s BTDT, I’d advise you to move along, as painful as that will be. For me, it’s not so much that he won’t move in with you NOW, it’s that he lacks any excitement for the future (you say he says it, but the reality is, he avoids the topic when it means coming up with at least a semi concrete plan).

You’re in your 30s, and two years is a fair amount of time invested with no plans, if you’re looking to get married and have children.

This guy is living the life he wants, with no consideration to the life you want, which is okay, but it’s enough of a reason to cut loses and find someone who is genuinely excited to spend their life with you.

If I were you, I’d start extracting yourself a little.

+1 Maybe if you leave, he’ll get his s**t together and make a decision. He has no fear of loss; there is no consequence for him dragging his feet. Though PPs have a point that he might not be a good candidate for a husband and father.

[Anonymous]

If a candid conversation about the future between two adults will "wreck" your relationship, it isn't much of a relationship. He isn't 22 anymore! This is what people talk about in their early 30s and his reluctance indicates that either he doesn't want to marry, or he is struggling with basic skills of adult life.

Some men are too chicken to break up, or they are prolonging the relationship for sex. Break up with him for him since that's what he seems to want.

[Anonymous]

OP its not happening. Extract yourself.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine did what you’re doing- worked and pushed and prodded until her guy moved in with her, then eventually proposed to her (with a ring she bought herself, no joke). Once they set the wedding date he finally manned up and told her he wasn’t in love with her and didn’t want to marry her. Honestly as her friend it was the best possible outcome for her.

Like the others have said, you shouldn’t have to beg someone to love you. You can still be best friends, he’s just not the right guy for you relationship-wise.

[Anonymous]

you aren't on the same page and need to figure out why. I would give it 6 months and if he doesn't come around you need to move on and find someone who is, especially if you want kids.