Feeling hopeless about my marriage

[Anonymous]

What does he spend he free time at home doing then? Making messes? Addicted to his iPhone? Checking in on the office.
Why won’t he hire a proper nanny or housekeeper if he’s never around?

Btw, never around may be better if he’s a pig.

[Anonymous]

I am fascinated that so many women believe they are competent to diagnose ADHD in their husbands.

Yup. Ladies, he doesn't help out because he just doesn't want to. He likes his life the way it is, where you carry the load and he coasts. It's easier for him and he just doesn't care all that much that you're struggling.

100+. I hate to blame the victim but you are basically enabling an asshole. *I* have ADHD. It certainly affects my level of organization, follow-through, etc. It has zero to do with my general willingness to do chores, take on household work, or jeez, take the kids to the park (How is that last one even relevant to ADHD?? Just BS.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

I could have written this word for word. No advice, just commiseration. It's utterly exhausting.

+1. I am beyond worn out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I can see why your DH a felt attacked and blamed for all of the problems in the marriage based on your arm chair degree diagnosis so he flipped it around and started attacking you. When is the last time you told him what you appreciate about him or that he makes you so happy? As for the domestic responsibilities, I don’t know a DH I would want to be married to that does close to half. I am attracted to Alpha males and knew my DH was not going to take on a lot of domestic chores. When my kids were little I outsourced or hired help so I wasn’t resentful and everyone was happy. Perhaps focus on the things you admire or attracted you to your DH...play on his strengths.

So your attraction to Alpha males means you will happily tolerate doing 80 percent of the work while he... does what, exactly? Genuinely curious what the redeeming features are.

Not everyone is in a position financially to outsource. Right now we have high childcare costs (nanny plus preschool) and we can't afford to have someone clean the house, do laundry etc. every single week. If my husband isn't helping me, I'm doing it alone. Add to that a stressful full time job outside of the home and two young children, and without help, I start to feel like I'm drowning. Thankfully my husband pulls his weight around the house, but if he didn't, my life would be really hard. OP's life is hard because her husband refuses to contribute and it doesn't sound like outsourcing is an option. I'm not sure just "focusing on the positives" and just accepting that OP's husband will get to enjoy life and relax while she works like a dog is going to make for a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

It took me saying the words 'I will leave if this doesn't get better' for things to improve. And a lot of couple's therapy. And then me regularly just leaving him with the kids, even though he would get angry at me. At one point I told him (far in advance) I was going to clean the house so I needed him to take the kids out (because previously, I would clean the house and if the kids were home, he'd ignore them so I'd be watching them as well.) My two-year-old didn't want to go and my husband screamed at me that he couldn't take him. I said 'he's two, pick him up.' There was a lot of that at the beginning - just tons of push-back against anything I asked for, tons of arguing. He told me there was no point in cleaning if our house was just going to get messy again. Like, with a straight face, he said that to me. As much as I said I couldn't handle things, I need your help, etc., none of it sunk in at all. He did not care about my feelings. But, for whatever reason, he cared about me leaving. And then it did genuinely get better. But if he hadn't, I would have had to decide. (He was also cheating. And I don't say that to minimize it or bury the lede. The cheating was not as a bad as the daily contempt and refusal to parent or clean. And the contempt preceded the cheating.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has refused to change despite my demands, too.

People don't change based on our demands, usually. All you can do is change your expectations and your reaction to their actions/inactions.

If it turns out you put up with their inaction, their lack of change, they've done the right thing for themself. (Right? You ask them to change, they don't, you continue on as you have been). What's got to happen is you change. So that if you ask them to change something, and they don't, then there is a consequence (e.g. you divorce. Or you no longer have the time to take his clothes to the drycleaner by Friday morning if he can't watch the kids for x amount of time on Thursdays.

I don't mean it to be so quid pro quo, but you have to do what is reasonable for you. If my husband didn't stop leaving the toilet seat up after peeing ... I would have fallen into the toilet more often (I got to the toilet in the middle of the night without the light on so it is easier to stay sleepy), been pissed off more often, and he'd have had less access to actually touch me. Ever. Because your ass in the porcelain bowl sucks and doesn't make you particularly want to be with that asshole of a spouse who is inconsiderate enough to leave it up. And if he doesn't get it and make an effort to change that behavior, my response is going to impact him. We'd be divorced because I'd have to turn the light on in the middle of the night, wake myself up, not get back to sleep, and be a grumpy assed bitch because of it. And he wouldn't be getting any sex because my ass would have cold toilet water on it.

The fact that OP's DH isn't open to thinking about exploring a change in the division of labor is huge to me. I don't think it is a red herring at all. It is him not listening, not understanding, and not being willing to adjust for the good of the family. It may be things are already divided up well, but the fact that he won't even explore it??? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fascinated that so many women believe they are competent to diagnose ADHD in their husbands.

It is the diagnosis du jour on this board. That and being on the spectrum or having Aspergers. Or -- gasp! -- both!!

It had been narcissism just a little while ago.

Just enjoy it while it lasts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thinks I need to work on improving myself and getting to my “full potential”

What is this part about, do you think, OP?

Do you think he is having an affair or is considering one? Does he want you to be more like an AP?

Sounds like he is pretty checked out on family life. I was once like you, including thinking ADD was the answer. The thing is, labels only help if they apply to you and you are motivated to find solutions or make changes. In this case, your DH seems to have indicated clearly that he is not. If that does not change, I think you accept the status quo or make plans to leave. Unfortunately, we cannot change other people. It is entirely possible that he has low self esteem and issues re: behaviors or coping skills he has used all his life re: possible ADD. If that is the case, he may come around and become more open to change. I wish you and your family well and hope you find peace.

If outsourcing more is possible, it is never a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not even really sure what to write. I feel like our marriage is at the beginning of the end after ten years. We’ve had a very unequal share of responsibilities and after some recent issues I have been reading about adult ADHD and it’s effect on marriages. Reading about it really clicked for me — I feel like people’s stories and the patterns shown in studies describe our issues to a ‘T.’

I brought it up tonight as gently/openly as possible, suggesting that exploring the ADHD and behavior patterns could be good for us. I encouraged us to finish reading a book together that I started myself about this topic, and for us both to keep an open mind about how we can both learn to identify these destructive patterns, and get therapy with someone who has experience with ADHD.

At first he acknowledged that sometimes he has wondered if he has ADHD but it quickly spiraled and he said he wouldn’t take medication, wouldn’t meaningfully adjust his share of our responsibilities, thinks I don’t appreciate him, and thinks I need to work on improving myself and getting to my “full potential”, and not be the “victim.” He cited his brother and my sister’s husband saying he won’t be like them, saying they “don’t have his drive” and they “settle” (because they take a larger role in household and child rearing).

I am really, really trying to understand his position and his feelings but I have never felt so hopeless in our marriage. It isn’t the first time I’ve suggested therapy (which he has declined) but it is the first time I have realized that undiagnosed adult ADHD may be an underlying issue to our problems and our destructive patterns.

Don't feel hopeless, drag him to a psychologist who can do a battery of tests plus gather info during a clinical assessment based on his answers to all kinds of questions history. After about 3-4 sessions and 7+ hours, I got the inattentive type ADHD diagnosis at the age of 39. You don't need to get tested this comprehensively if he resists, many people will make a determination within 2 hours, one visit.

I started meds and my life utterly changed/improved. I never suspected ADHD because I did well in school, including college. I suspect that had O gone to school in the US before the age of 18, I would have been diagnosed sooner as people here are way more aware and schools have psychologists, special ed and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fascinated that so many women believe they are competent to diagnose ADHD in their husbands.

It is the diagnosis du jour on this board. That and being on the spectrum or having Aspergers. Or -- gasp! -- both!!

It had been narcissism just a little while ago.

Just enjoy it while it lasts.

Or we went through marriage counseling and the counselor identified signs of ADD?

[Anonymous]

Good example of ADD - not being able to find the paperwork you need in your office because the clutter is horrendous, so you try to get your wife to work all evening helping you find what you need. You need it last minute because you put off looking earlier due to your habit of procrastination. And if you can't complete the task on time, someone else will suffer (in this case, your kid will be dumped off health insurance)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not even really sure what to write. I feel like our marriage is at the beginning of the end after ten years. We’ve had a very unequal share of responsibilities and after some recent issues I have been reading about adult ADHD and it’s effect on marriages. Reading about it really clicked for me — I feel like people’s stories and the patterns shown in studies describe our issues to a ‘T.’

I brought it up tonight as gently/openly as possible, suggesting that exploring the ADHD and behavior patterns could be good for us. I encouraged us to finish reading a book together that I started myself about this topic, and for us both to keep an open mind about how we can both learn to identify these destructive patterns, and get therapy with someone who has experience with ADHD.

At first he acknowledged that sometimes he has wondered if he has ADHD but it quickly spiraled and he said he wouldn’t take medication, wouldn’t meaningfully adjust his share of our responsibilities, thinks I don’t appreciate him, and thinks I need to work on improving myself and getting to my “full potential”, and not be the “victim.” He cited his brother and my sister’s husband saying he won’t be like them, saying they “don’t have his drive” and they “settle” (because they take a larger role in household and child rearing).

I am really, really trying to understand his position and his feelings but I have never felt so hopeless in our marriage. It isn’t the first time I’ve suggested therapy (which he has declined) but it is the first time I have realized that undiagnosed adult ADHD may be an underlying issue to our problems and our destructive patterns.

Don't feel hopeless, drag him to a psychologist who can do a battery of tests plus gather info during a clinical assessment based on his answers to all kinds of questions history. After about 3-4 sessions and 7+ hours, I got the inattentive type ADHD diagnosis at the age of 39. You don't need to get tested this comprehensively if he resists, many people will make a determination within 2 hours, one visit.

I started meds and my life utterly changed/improved. I never suspected ADHD because I did well in school, including college. I suspect that had O gone to school in the US before the age of 18, I would have been diagnosed sooner as people here are way more aware and schools have psychologists, special ed and all that.

What meds helped you? Thanks, NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your DH has made it 100% clear he will not change anything, even going to therapy.

The ball is in your court- change your behavior, go to therapy, or leave.

Honestly men like this sound exhausting. The life of a divorcee in a condo sounds more appealing.

It is downright exhausting. Even the amount of time I spend thinking about our issues, bringing them to his attention, trying to resolve them, trying to encourage new approaches and ways to break old patterns, is a significant mental and emotional burden in itself and one he never, ever initiates.

I simply don’t know how much more I can take.

He at least agreed to read the ADHD marriage book I’m reading if I read a book that he feels has changed his life recently, about a guy who physically pushes himself to the point of illness and injury to prove to himself that the mind can overcome anything? Or something like that. He seems to think if I somehow “harness” my mind I can suddenly juggle a bunch more things like my own self-improvement and reaching my “full potential,” in addition to my job, raising the kids, and keeping the house (with some outsourcing).

OP you sound like the classic martyr/consummate victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your DH has made it 100% clear he will not change anything, even going to therapy.

The ball is in your court- change your behavior, go to therapy, or leave.

Honestly men like this sound exhausting. The life of a divorcee in a condo sounds more appealing.

It is downright exhausting. Even the amount of time I spend thinking about our issues, bringing them to his attention, trying to resolve them, trying to encourage new approaches and ways to break old patterns, is a significant mental and emotional burden in itself and one he never, ever initiates.

I simply don’t know how much more I can take.

He at least agreed to read the ADHD marriage book I’m reading if I read a book that he feels has changed his life recently, about a guy who physically pushes himself to the point of illness and injury to prove to himself that the mind can overcome anything? Or something like that. He seems to think if I somehow “harness” my mind I can suddenly juggle a bunch more things like my own self-improvement and reaching my “full potential,” in addition to my job, raising the kids, and keeping the house (with some outsourcing).

OP you sound like the classic martyr/consummate victim.

As someone who has lived with a diagnosed buy ‘refuse to medicate’ spouse for 22 years, OP sounds like someone fed up with parenting her husband. I could have left, but who in their right mind leaves children with someone who you can’t trust to parent without supervision themselves?

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t mind the critics here. This is a classic and common ADHD pattern. Go see a professional, yourself alone if needed, and work to get your DH checked out. Meds may make a huge difference here, if the diagnosis is confirmed.