Feeling hopeless about my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

I am sorry PP. This must be so hurtful and accumulate over time.

Does he say the things hurtfully or is he very matter of fact when he says them? I don't think my husband has very much empathy either (OP here), but maybe that's just because I feel like after all this time of bringing up my concerns and feelings he should understand why.

There’s so much of a running loop that I feel like it happens in various moods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

I am sorry PP. This must be so hurtful and accumulate over time.

Does he say the things hurtfully or is he very matter of fact when he says them? I don't think my husband has very much empathy either (OP here), but maybe that's just because I feel like after all this time of bringing up my concerns and feelings he should understand why.

There’s so much of a running loop that I feel like it happens in various moods.

It is very hard to break destructive patterns (or really any patterns, I guess). I am trying to make new/different suggestions (therapy, possible ADHD, other ways we can organize tasks) in order to try to break those patterns.

[Anonymous]

So if I'm understanding this correctly, you want him to help out more around the house and in life, and he tells you "adjust your expectations, I won't lift a finger".

DTMFA. There are guys out there who truly do try every single day their best to be a full partner and lighten your load. Who actually care about your wellbeing. I'm married to one of those guys and I'm nothing special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fascinated that so many women believe they are competent to diagnose ADHD in their husbands.

Yup. Ladies, he doesn't help out because he just doesn't want to. He likes his life the way it is, where you carry the load and he coasts. It's easier for him and he just doesn't care all that much that you're struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if I'm understanding this correctly, you want him to help out more around the house and in life, and he tells you "adjust your expectations, I won't lift a finger".

DTMFA. There are guys out there who truly do try every single day their best to be a full partner and lighten your load. Who actually care about your wellbeing. I'm married to one of those guys and I'm nothing special.

Pretty much. I say I need more help, he says he will help more and try harder. That usually involves a couple extra things that he does for a couple weeks, then he goes back to his usual load. For example he will take the kids to the park a couple hours one Saturday and then will feed the dogs one morning or evening or take out the garbage a couple times. We have done this over and over, every 6-8 mos, for several years. Certainly since we had two kids which is 6 years.

I have a strong hunch he has ADHD (not simply because of the division of duties), but maybe I am just hoping he does so there is a “reason” he doesn’t help me when I am overwhelmed. Otherwise it would just feel like him not being a real partner.

He keeps talking about my “full potential” and I keep telling him I have absolutely no bandwidth to do things for myself to reach my “full potential” because I spend so much time doing everything else that needs to get done. He will say he supports me doing things on my own/for myself but when I ask for concrete things like “pick up the kids every Wednesday routinely” so I can stay for a late meeting or be on a board or volunteer or something he won’t commit. It’s just a terrible cycle and I’m so tired of/from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your DH has made it 100% clear he will not change anything, even going to therapy.

The ball is in your court- change your behavior, go to therapy, or leave.

Honestly men like this sound exhausting. The life of a divorcee in a condo sounds more appealing.

It is downright exhausting. Even the amount of time I spend thinking about our issues, bringing them to his attention, trying to resolve them, trying to encourage new approaches and ways to break old patterns, is a significant mental and emotional burden in itself and one he never, ever initiates.

I simply don’t know how much more I can take.

He at least agreed to read the ADHD marriage book I’m reading if I read a book that he feels has changed his life recently, about a guy who physically pushes himself to the point of illness and injury to prove to himself that the mind can overcome anything? Or something like that. He seems to think if I somehow “harness” my mind I can suddenly juggle a bunch more things like my own self-improvement and reaching my “full potential,” in addition to my job, raising the kids, and keeping the house (with some outsourcing).

Same here and got BAD after the responsibilities of two kids, a house, cars, a nanny. Got tested and it was aspergers. No pill for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

A-hole or ASD a-hole.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. No advice just sending support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I can see why your DH a felt attacked and blamed for all of the problems in the marriage based on your arm chair degree diagnosis so he flipped it around and started attacking you. When is the last time you told him what you appreciate about him or that he makes you so happy? As for the domestic responsibilities, I don’t know a DH I would want to be married to that does close to half. I am attracted to Alpha males and knew my DH was not going to take on a lot of domestic chores. When my kids were little I outsourced or hired help so I wasn’t resentful and everyone was happy. Perhaps focus on the things you admire or attracted you to your DH...play on his strengths.

NP. I’m going to tackle this nonsense. I have over 12 years more marriage than OP. My husband and I have done marriage counseling. The counselor suggested to him that he look into getting tested for ADD after hearing all the ways in which his life and our marriage have been affected: Not opening mail, even checks, forgetting to pay bills before I took over, his personal spaces a mess, can’t function with outside noises ‘disrupting’ him, never finishing a project or finishing things without finesse, refusing to admit things need fixing, etc.. Net response is he feels attacked and blamed, because he’s unwilling to address even the simplest aspect of the problems, and expects a cheerleading squad rather than a simple thank you for handling that when he DOES address something. When the parade doesn’t happen, a ‘why bother’ attitude becomes the norm.

Often ADD people won’t admit there ARE chores to be done (you are OCD for wanting them done) and won’t pay for the outsourcing of help, if the spouse is a SAH parent, because their ADD keeps them from seeing the issues at hand. If the spouse works, all his/her resources are spent on keeping things status quo and that person now feels trapped by their job and all the responsibilities, while the ADD spouse lives carefree. Untreated ADD partners are like having another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

I could have written this word for word. No advice, just commiseration. It's utterly exhausting.

Exhausting is the perfect word. I’m going to add that one feels trapped as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if I'm understanding this correctly, you want him to help out more around the house and in life, and he tells you "adjust your expectations, I won't lift a finger".

DTMFA. There are guys out there who truly do try every single day their best to be a full partner and lighten your load. Who actually care about your wellbeing. I'm married to one of those guys and I'm nothing special.

Pretty much. I say I need more help, he says he will help more and try harder. That usually involves a couple extra things that he does for a couple weeks, then he goes back to his usual load. For example he will take the kids to the park a couple hours one Saturday and then will feed the dogs one morning or evening or take out the garbage a couple times. We have done this over and over, every 6-8 mos, for several years. Certainly since we had two kids which is 6 years.

I have a strong hunch he has ADHD (not simply because of the division of duties), but maybe I am just hoping he does so there is a “reason” he doesn’t help me when I am overwhelmed. Otherwise it would just feel like him not being a real partner.

He keeps talking about my “full potential” and I keep telling him I have absolutely no bandwidth to do things for myself to reach my “full potential” because I spend so much time doing everything else that needs to get done. He will say he supports me doing things on my own/for myself but when I ask for concrete things like “pick up the kids every Wednesday routinely” so I can stay for a late meeting or be on a board or volunteer or something he won’t commit. It’s just a terrible cycle and I’m so tired of/from it.

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

[Anonymous]

Spot in. Trust and credibility go out the window fast with a spouse who cannot be relied on to do what was agreed or discussed. Then the omitting and lying starts and you h e an angry ManChild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

I could have written this word for word. No advice, just commiseration. It's utterly exhausting.

Exhausting is the perfect word. I’m going to add that one feels trapped as well.

I could have written this word for word as well.

My younger DC started college last year and I am preparing to leave. I can't do this anymore, and don't have to stay to keep things together for the kids.

[Anonymous]

You confronted him with something very upsetting. I’d give him some time to assimilate the information and both read the books you suggested for each other.

-also a wife with a husband who has ADHD (not diagnosed by me)

[Anonymous]

OP's vagueness makes it sound like she just wants commiseration and not a real assessment of what to about the situation. That's fine if that's all she wants.

It is certainly possible that she really does do way more for the household than the husband. But it's also possible that he works outside of the home more and earns way more.

Maybe OP's husband feels like she could do all the things she is asking him to help with if she were more efficient.

Maybe OP is one of those people who feels like things need to get done around the house that aren't really necessary, and he doesn't want to spend all of his free time indulging that.