Feeling hopeless about my marriage

[Anonymous]

I am fascinated that so many women believe they are competent to diagnose ADHD in their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Regardless, it is not a “red herring” as they are real feelings and perceptions in the relationship.

She said, as she dismissed her husband's feelings and perceptions as invalid.

I’m not just saying mine are real, I’m saying both of ours are real. I acknowledged that I am very grateful for how much he devotes to work for us, and that I could completely understand how he probably feels like I nag him and/or suggesting about the ADHD could feel like a personal attack, which was not my intent. These are the types of response patterns that we need to break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fascinated that so many women believe they are competent to diagnose ADHD in their husbands.

I’m in absolutely no position to diagnose him. In fact it only struck me as a possibility because our son is in the process of getting tested for ADHD and similar disorders. The descriptions of adult ADHD and it’s impact on marriage is too uncanny to our situation to not try to see if there is anything to it. He himself immediately acknowledged that he might have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Read up about ADHD and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

[Anonymous]

I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

[Anonymous]

OP- I can see why your DH a felt attacked and blamed for all of the problems in the marriage based on your arm chair degree diagnosis so he flipped it around and started attacking you. When is the last time you told him what you appreciate about him or that he makes you so happy? As for the domestic responsibilities, I don’t know a DH I would want to be married to that does close to half. I am attracted to Alpha males and knew my DH was not going to take on a lot of domestic chores. When my kids were little I outsourced or hired help so I wasn’t resentful and everyone was happy. Perhaps focus on the things you admire or attracted you to your DH...play on his strengths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just outsource more. Sounds like he makes good money and likes his job.. He’s probably not going to change. He wants you to change, you want him to change, blah blah blah, not gonna happen. Just outsource more.

Also Don’t micromanage his parenting. You cannot make him into a super dad or even an okay dad. The best way to get him to have fun with your kids is to have him see you having lots of fun with the kids. Even then it might not work and that’s life, you can’t make people get into things. You can however have a blast with your kids. Control what you can let go of the rest.

Why the hell should he get to dictate all of the terms of their partnership.

And why should she take up ALL aspects of parenting, except for having fun???????????? Are you for real.

He doesn’t dictate and neither does she. They both have to compromise, and, yes, that’s marriage. He apparently thinks she should improve on things. Maybe he wants her to make more money or be healthier. And she wants him to do more housework and be a better dad. Guess what neither gets exactly what he/she wants. That’s life.

She’s pissed bc he’s a high earning workaholic who doesn’t spend enough time with his kids. There’s lots of dcum ladies on another thread who resent their low earning or sahd and wish they had a driven high earner. Then there’s the crazy dude who doesn’t want to have sex with his wife because she farted. Most people just don’t appreciate what they have. Making themselves unnecessarily miserable for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I can see why your DH a felt attacked and blamed for all of the problems in the marriage based on your arm chair degree diagnosis so he flipped it around and started attacking you. When is the last time you told him what you appreciate about him or that he makes you so happy? As for the domestic responsibilities, I don’t know a DH I would want to be married to that does close to half. I am attracted to Alpha males and knew my DH was not going to take on a lot of domestic chores. When my kids were little I outsourced or hired help so I wasn’t resentful and everyone was happy. Perhaps focus on the things you admire or attracted you to your DH...play on his strengths.

I, too, understand why he felt attacked. I often tell him I admire his hard work for us as a family. But I also tell him that I am overburdened. Both things can be true.

How far does appreciation go? Am I supposed to say "thank you" after every time he takes out the garbage? It's not as though he has ever thanked me for picking up the kids, taking them to birthdays and play dates, doing their homework with them, picking up dog poop, taking people to medical appointments, etc...

To me it feels like he sets it up so that I am always having to thank him concretely -- he doesn't initiate much work/childcare without me asking him, and if I ask him to do something it feels like a favor, and therefore it deserves a thank you. Meanwhile I do pretty much everything without being asked and rarely get a thank you because I am the default and those are the expectations set for me by our dynamic.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you hiring help? What exactly is the problem?

Just doing more than your share --- that's not enough information. It's not believable, not believable that would tear apart a marriage.

[Anonymous]

meant ~ why AREN'T you hiring help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you hiring help? What exactly is the problem?

Just doing more than your share --- that's not enough information. It's not believable, not believable that would tear apart a marriage.

Not sure why it's not believable.

I do have some help -- we have a reliable babysitter we use and have used for date nights, overnights, weekend trips. I have been looking for an after school sitter for over a month to no avail (kids are currently in an after school extended day program). We have cleaners who come every two weeks. We have a dog sitter who takes our dogs to and from doggie daycare every day so they get worn out.

What other help can/should I get? An au pair seems excessive -- my understanding is you need to provide 30-40 hours for them to work and the kids are both in school full time. A nanny (part-time?) and then that person would do errands and things around the house while the kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

I still don't understand your problem. Other people manage. Many manage without a spouse present. Without help. What are these big problems of yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

I could have written this word for word. No advice, just commiseration. It's utterly exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand your problem. Other people manage. Many manage without a spouse present. Without help. What are these big problems of yours?

Are you asking for a list of my tasks? It's not as though I am the first person, woman/wife in particular, to have this issue with their spouse.

But hey, you win, I admit to not being able manage doing 95% of the household, childcare, pet care, scheduling, mental, emotional, and physical needs of our family while also working. I've spent 8+ years expressing this, to no avail. I've reached the near-end point of being able to tolerate this dynamic, and have been looking for solutions so that we don't split up. I am the one initiating these conversations about our relationship, reading and making suggestions, trying to find therapy -- yet other things on my plate. DH does not seem as open to these things as I had hoped and so, as my OP describes, I feel hopeless that our marriage will last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hopeless too. I have no idea whether ADD is involved, but it may well be. Essentially I am dealing with someone with a bad temper who says cruel things and then expects everyone to move on. It's like he has the emotional release and does not understand that harsh words have a lasting effect (weeks, months, years). He seems to genuinely not be able to get why, once he has apologized, I can't just get past it. There is no physical abuse. Years of the mean statements, and I am left trying to decide whether it's just over. Trust and respect are at very low levels. He seems quite confused as to why the kids and I aren't more respectful (he is kind to them but VERY focused on himself). I am just not sure that can ever be built back up...Is there a name for this or just self-centered/low empathy/possible narcissist?

I am sorry PP. This must be so hurtful and accumulate over time.

Does he say the things hurtfully or is he very matter of fact when he says them? I don't think my husband has very much empathy either (OP here), but maybe that's just because I feel like after all this time of bringing up my concerns and feelings he should understand why.