Feeling hopeless about my marriage
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Anonymous
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I’m not even really sure what to write. I feel like our marriage is at the beginning of the end after ten years. We’ve had a very unequal share of responsibilities and after some recent issues I have been reading about adult ADHD and it’s effect on marriages. Reading about it really clicked for me — I feel like people’s stories and the patterns shown in studies describe our issues to a ‘T.’
I brought it up tonight as gently/openly as possible, suggesting that exploring the ADHD and behavior patterns could be good for us. I encouraged us to finish reading a book together that I started myself about this topic, and for us both to keep an open mind about how we can both learn to identify these destructive patterns, and get therapy with someone who has experience with ADHD. At first he acknowledged that sometimes he has wondered if he has ADHD but it quickly spiraled and he said he wouldn’t take medication, wouldn’t meaningfully adjust his share of our responsibilities, thinks I don’t appreciate him, and thinks I need to work on improving myself and getting to my “full potential”, and not be the “victim.” He cited his brother and my sister’s husband saying he won’t be like them, saying they “don’t have his drive” and they “settle” (because they take a larger role in household and child rearing). I am really, really trying to understand his position and his feelings but I have never felt so hopeless in our marriage. It isn’t the first time I’ve suggested therapy (which he has declined) but it is the first time I have realized that undiagnosed adult ADHD may be an underlying issue to our problems and our destructive patterns. |
Anonymous
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Reading your post made me feel like you changed the rules.
Also, the whole thing about division of responsibilities is such a red herring. Maybe it’s uneven. Maybe you are missing things he does. Maybe your perception of a contribution differs from his. |
Anonymous
DP. Maybe you're a guy just like ops husband? Maybe you're married to him but have squashed your dissatisfaction and misery into a small pit in your stomach. Maybe you need better hobbies than writing mean and unhelpful posts on an anonymous message board. |
Anonymous
I’m sure I miss things he does or don’t put as much value on the things he does do. This is apparently a classic pattern in an ADHD/non-ADHD marriage. Assuming that’s at least part of underlying this, he sees all his “chore” contributions as the same value and doesn’t arrange them into a hierarchy. I see doing things with the kids more valuable than taking our the garbage, for instance. (He does neither of those things even close to routinely, for the record.) Regardless, it is not a “red herring” as they are real feelings and perceptions in the relationship. This is why I want/ed us to explore this more with someone with experience. |
Anonymous
None of this. OP wrote in vague terms. My comments are valid. Only OP knows the real truth. But my impressions are valid take always. |
Anonymous
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So your DH has made it 100% clear he will not change anything, even going to therapy.
The ball is in your court- change your behavior, go to therapy, or leave. Honestly men like this sound exhausting. The life of a divorcee in a condo sounds more appealing. |
Anonymous
It is downright exhausting. Even the amount of time I spend thinking about our issues, bringing them to his attention, trying to resolve them, trying to encourage new approaches and ways to break old patterns, is a significant mental and emotional burden in itself and one he never, ever initiates. I simply don’t know how much more I can take. He at least agreed to read the ADHD marriage book I’m reading if I read a book that he feels has changed his life recently, about a guy who physically pushes himself to the point of illness and injury to prove to himself that the mind can overcome anything? Or something like that. He seems to think if I somehow “harness” my mind I can suddenly juggle a bunch more things like my own self-improvement and reaching my “full potential,” in addition to my job, raising the kids, and keeping the house (with some outsourcing). |
Anonymous
| My spouse has refused to change despite my demands, too. |
Anonymous
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Just outsource more. Sounds like he makes good money and likes his job.. He’s probably not going to change. He wants you to change, you want him to change, blah blah blah, not gonna happen. Just outsource more.
Also Don’t micromanage his parenting. You cannot make him into a super dad or even an okay dad. The best way to get him to have fun with your kids is to have him see you having lots of fun with the kids. Even then it might not work and that’s life, you can’t make people get into things. You can however have a blast with your kids. Control what you can let go of the rest. |
Anonymous
With your myriad set of explanations as to why her perspective is invalid....I think you are a husband who displays similar patterns....and is getting defensive by proxy. |
Anonymous
Why the hell should he get to dictate all of the terms of their partnership. And why should she take up ALL aspects of parenting, except for having fun???????????? Are you for real. |
Anonymous
I’m divorced now from someone who has a mental illness which, in certain parts of the cycle, looks like ADHD (So much so that pre-diagnosis, I once went to then DH’s pdoc appt w/ a list of symptoms asking if he could have ADHD). Sadly, I agree w/ PP on parenting. You cannot make someone the kind of parent they do not want to be. I spent a lot of time explicitly suggesting parenting techniques, silently role-modeling, and explicitly asking for more even split of duties. None of it worked. It was, frankly, a waste of time better invested in my own adult life and my relationship with my kids. Now I am divorced. I don’t get involved in DH’s parenting unless it is unsafe. Yes, the kids are probably sad he never took 50/50 custody when offered. Yes, the kids are irritated that in the 15 years of divorce he has dropped custody on weekends when he got married, that he only sporadically invites them for sleepovers and has never created a room of their own in his house or bought them a real mattress to sleep on. I have no power to change that. It sucks to realize that you are married to someone who is unwilling to shoulder an equal load. It is unfair. Focus on yourself. Raise your kids to be helpful, bot to make up for their Dad’s absence but to make sure they grow up as responsible indepent creatires who can care for themselves and others. At a certain point you will likely confront whether you and the kids are better off in an environment with him or without him. Be ready. Consult a lawyer now to understand what custody and support would look like and how to document who is primary caregiver in a way that supports what you think is appropriate custody. Get your personal finances in order. Focus on your career. Focus on the relationships that you have influence and control over. |
Anonymous
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Friend is going through the same thing with her spouse. A few years ago, she brought up the idea of ADHD to her husband, and he lashed out. They just started therapy this fall and it’s finally come up. The therapist has been great in introducing it and offering ways to address it. For the first time, her husband is considering it and how it might be impacting his marriage.
OP-since your husband won’t go to therapy now, there’s no reason you can’t go. |
Anonymous
So just like every other married guy then? I thought his remarks were exactly right and probably true. |
Anonymous
She said, as she dismissed her husband's feelings and perceptions as invalid. 
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