Feeling hopeless about my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

I think it's exhausting for both sides. I'm the (male) ADHD partner. I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized. And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly. I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well. And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship. So it's exhausting. Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve. I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up. Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying. And I don't know the answer. I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down. ADHD sucks. Medication helps a bit. Therapy helps a bit. But it's always a struggle. Every day.

[Anonymous]

^ so I did find what you wrote to be helpful.

Just wondering what do you think is the solution? I mean even if you get divorced, your next partner will likely find this a challenge (unless she has ADHD as well in which case you’ll have other problems). It seems to be a cycle of response between you and your wife. Life during the Middle age years is in general a bit boring and schedule driven for most people, not just ADHD ones. So not sure if this shouldn’t be about managing your own expectations of wife/life etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

I think it's exhausting for both sides. I'm the (male) ADHD partner. I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized. And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly. I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well. And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship. So it's exhausting. Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve. I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up. Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying. And I don't know the answer. I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down. ADHD sucks. Medication helps a bit. Therapy helps a bit. But it's always a struggle. Every day.

This is OP. Thank you so much for describing what you go through. I really appreciate your perspective and I'm sorry that it gets so frustrating and wears you down. I can only imagine. I am almost certain this is how my husband feels and what he goes through -- so much so that for a second I thought he had written your post -- but he has never actually described any of this to me from his perspective. This is why I think it would help the two of us to go to therapy, in the hopes that a third party might help us understand one another's side and communicate our wildly different "sides."

What I'm reading is it's very clear that both partners have to approach communication and these emotional-behavioral patterns differently -- it definitely cannot be only up to the ADHD spouse, otherwise will lead to the feelings you're describing. Both looking at the issues differently than in the past, so as to break the patterns, basically. I'm sure I'm butchering what I'm trying to say here! Just again, thank you for your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thinks I need to work on improving myself and getting to my “full potential”

What is this part about, do you think, OP?

Do you think he is having an affair or is considering one? Does he want you to be more like an AP?

Sounds like he is pretty checked out on family life. I was once like you, including thinking ADD was the answer. The thing is, labels only help if they apply to you and you are motivated to find solutions or make changes. In this case, your DH seems to have indicated clearly that he is not. If that does not change, I think you accept the status quo or make plans to leave. Unfortunately, we cannot change other people. It is entirely possible that he has low self esteem and issues re: behaviors or coping skills he has used all his life re: possible ADD. If that is the case, he may come around and become more open to change. I wish you and your family well and hope you find peace.

If outsourcing more is possible, it is never a bad idea.

It has entered my mind that he has interest in someone else, but my gut tells me no. I think the 'full potential' bit has good intentions -- like that he wants me to feel personally fulfilled in multiple elements of life as he perceives himself to be -- career, physical health, relationships (though he can't seem to see ours is struggling), etc. He just doesn't see the disconnect that part of the reason he is so fulfilled is because he spends/is able to spend so much time focusing on himself, while I rarely have time to do so. Have you ever heard of the House of Equilibrium? It's this goal-setting thing where you try to find balance across multiple facets of life. He was rather proud of his when he laid it out and it really irked me because my "House" would be wildly unbalanced. That's kind of the "full potential" thing, from his perspective, I think.

I agree with you about the labels and do wonder if I am setting myself up for a major disappointment if/when he is diagnosed that he does nothing about it and we are back to square one.

I am looking into more childcare outsourcing but so far haven't found anything/one who will fit our needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

I think it's exhausting for both sides. I'm the (male) ADHD partner. I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized. And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly. I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well. And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship. So it's exhausting. Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve. I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up. Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying. And I don't know the answer. I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down. ADHD sucks. Medication helps a bit. Therapy helps a bit. But it's always a struggle. Every day.

So thanks for posting this. It is helpful to understand the other perspective.
One thing I genuinely wonder about is why do men constantly want to feel like they are loved/cared for where as I don’t hear women saying this. It just seems a bit needy to me and maybe someone who’s not a strong person (again, not meaning to be negative but rather for discussion purpose). I am wondering what is your perspective? What if your wives so mean it and say they love you, isn’t that sufficient?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So thanks for posting this. It is helpful to understand the other perspective.
One thing I genuinely wonder about is why do men constantly want to feel like they are loved/cared for where as I don’t hear women saying this. It just seems a bit needy to me and maybe someone who’s not a strong person (again, not meaning to be negative but rather for discussion purpose). I am wondering what is your perspective? What if your wives so mean it and say they love you, isn’t that sufficient?

Well, thank goodness you didn't mean it negatively.

I can't speak for all men. Nor can I agree with your hypothesis that women never express dissatisfaction with a distant spouse. A growing body of literature suggests that I do feel this stuff more acutely than a neurotypical person. But with that said, I don't think I'm that special a snowflake. I mean, it's not enough for her for me to say that I'm going to tidy up every night either. She understandably expects me to do it. And when I don't, she takes that as evidence that I don't care about what she's facing and how overwhelmed she's feeling. Well, that's how I feel about physical expressions of affection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ so I did find what you wrote to be helpful.

Just wondering what do you think is the solution? I mean even if you get divorced, your next partner will likely find this a challenge (unless she has ADHD as well in which case you’ll have other problems). It seems to be a cycle of response between you and your wife. Life during the Middle age years is in general a bit boring and schedule driven for most people, not just ADHD ones. So not sure if this shouldn’t be about managing your own expectations of wife/life etc.

Life in the Middle Ages?? If you were inattentive and forgetful then you’d be eaten by a lion or fall off a cliff. Darwin took over.

Today’s societies you can be a total coddled idiot and have your mom or wife or mom forever carry your load and fix your blunders.

[Anonymous]

Or eat the poison berries everyone always told you not to eat....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

I think it's exhausting for both sides. I'm the (male) ADHD partner. I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized. And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly. I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well. And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship. So it's exhausting. Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve. I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up. Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying. And I don't know the answer. I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down. ADHD sucks. Medication helps a bit. Therapy helps a bit. But it's always a struggle. Every day.

So thanks for posting this. It is helpful to understand the other perspective.
One thing I genuinely wonder about is why do men constantly want to feel like they are loved/cared for where as I don’t hear women saying this. It just seems a bit needy to me and maybe someone who’s not a strong person (again, not meaning to be negative but rather for discussion purpose). I am wondering what is your perspective? What if your wives so mean it and say they love you, isn’t that sufficient?

My workaholic ADHD spouse always argues nastily about wanting “more support.” But the. When I ask him what support, he shuts down. Because I’m the one having to do everything for the kids, house, schedule, health, schools, sports, grandparents, repairs, vacations, taxes, nanny, purchases because he’s totally out of it. I’m the one that needs support, I wanted a life partner but turns out he cannot handle a life with more responsibilities than feeding himself and kissing @$$ at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So thanks for posting this. It is helpful to understand the other perspective.
One thing I genuinely wonder about is why do men constantly want to feel like they are loved/cared for where as I don’t hear women saying this. It just seems a bit needy to me and maybe someone who’s not a strong person (again, not meaning to be negative but rather for discussion purpose). I am wondering what is your perspective? What if your wives so mean it and say they love you, isn’t that sufficient?

Well, thank goodness you didn't mean it negatively.

I can't speak for all men. Nor can I agree with your hypothesis that women never express dissatisfaction with a distant spouse. A growing body of literature suggests that I do feel this stuff more acutely than a neurotypical person. But with that said, I don't think I'm that special a snowflake. I mean, it's not enough for her for me to say that I'm going to tidy up every night either. She understandably expects me to do it. And when I don't, she takes that as evidence that I don't care about what she's facing and how overwhelmed she's feeling. Well, that's how I feel about physical expressions of affection.

So thanks for responding so graciously.

I guess the thing is that what women are asking for (more help with kids/home) benefits the family whereas what you want (touch) is for personal benefit.

So that is where it could be perceived as needy (couldn’t find a better word—sorry). Just one perspective.

[Anonymous]

It cracks me up how bent out of shape people are getting about tidying and helping ice the Frozen cupcakes for DD's 2nd birthday party or clean up the pan from cooking the chicken nuggets that everyone rushed home from work to cook the kids for dinner. People are getting in fights and making themselves miserable over the silliest stuff!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ so I did find what you wrote to be helpful.

Just wondering what do you think is the solution? I mean even if you get divorced, your next partner will likely find this a challenge (unless she has ADHD as well in which case you’ll have other problems). It seems to be a cycle of response between you and your wife. Life during the Middle age years is in general a bit boring and schedule driven for most people, not just ADHD ones. So not sure if this shouldn’t be about managing your own expectations of wife/life etc.

Life in the Middle Ages?? If you were inattentive and forgetful then you’d be eaten by a lion or fall off a cliff. Darwin took over.

Today’s societies you can be a total coddled idiot and have your mom or wife or mom forever carry your load and fix your blunders.

It's funny you should say this. My ADD husband's cousin fell to his death down an elevator shaft because he was so distracted he didn't notice the elevator was not there. This was back in 1903.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It cracks me up how bent out of shape people are getting about tidying and helping ice the Frozen cupcakes for DD's 2nd birthday party or clean up the pan from cooking the chicken nuggets that everyone rushed home from work to cook the kids for dinner. People are getting in fights and making themselves miserable over the silliest stuff!

Is that all it is? Perhaps it's not noticing the dog has been outside for over an hour in the middle of winter because you forgot he was with you outside (dog is fine thank God)

Or perhaps it's never opening your mail so your kid nearly loses her health insurance because you missed all the notices your company sent you about a mandatory audit?

Or just maybe it's because you kept forgetting to pay the tax bill and cost your family over 5 grand in fees before your wife got sick of it and took over.

That's just a sample of ADD hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It cracks me up how bent out of shape people are getting about tidying and helping ice the Frozen cupcakes for DD's 2nd birthday party or clean up the pan from cooking the chicken nuggets that everyone rushed home from work to cook the kids for dinner. People are getting in fights and making themselves miserable over the silliest stuff!

Wrong.

Never being able to rely on your spouse for anything large or small to be done or done right is a terrible way to live.

And once babies, toddlers or young children are in the picture, it’s terrifying. Over the last four years we’ve had:
1) ASD grandpa almost back over the 3 yo who followed him outside to repark his van for no reason (wife stopped it);
2) a heavy door blow shut on the 2 yo fingers in the hinges right in front of the whole aspergers family (wife half stopped the door by racing across house, no permanent nerve damage);
3) 3 yo walk into a pool and go to the bottom while guests screamed at adhd/ASD father to get her (he had no reaction, just sat there, the wife had to put baby down in grass, run and jump in);
4) 6 yo put hanging from 12 foot wall and ASD dad thought the kid could do a pull-up and check it out up there (zero judgement, kid fell straight down skimming bare his chin and fracturing two leg bones);
5) swimming in ocean and ASD dad thought it’d be cool to go out by the snorkelers in the danger zone rip tide with the 7 yo (took other set of grandparents to rescue them both, again zero judgment or situational awareness).

They need a simple, simple, simple life with minimal demands and responsibilities outside of their dogmatic interest(s).
Leaving them alone to their own devices is still a constant mess if living in same house or anything entangled. They certainly do prefer to be left alone all the time though.

[Anonymous]

And those were on top of the weekly literal put downs the aspergers family constantly makes:
* houseguest for Xmas here for a few weeks: why did you bother decorating, your Chinese neighbors never will?
* Take them along on beach trip for free: I don’t know if this is really one of the top 10 beaches, I haven’t been to the other 9.
* attend a 1 hour grandkids soccer game one weekend: I just never understood this sports thing, I know they say there is some good, but what a crummy way to spend all weekend, every weekend.

It never ends. I always knew they were clueless and not truly malicious but once the Dx started rolling in, it’s just futile