The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people get so insulted at the "seek therapy" recommendations?

Honestly, finding a good therapist is a nice thing you can do for YOURSELF. It's an hour you get to spend with someone who mostly only cares about YOUR welfare and how YOU are doing, not your husband, not your kids, not your other family members, not your boss, etc. etc.

It's a form of self care, really.

Most of us moms are so busy running around caring for other people and putting ourselves last. As an adult it's unusual for other people to be like, "oh but how are YOU doing with everything?"

A therapist will do that for you though, make you take time for yourself.

I think because it is 2019 and everyone is already aware of the option of therapy. These are grownups. They know therapy exists.

Many of us a very frustrated with the repeated therapy suggestions because we aren’t mentally broken, we are in bad situations, drowning in responsibilities, and have little practical support. And no matter how often we explain that, we are still met with a never ending chorus of “Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!”

It makes us want to scream. It’s right up there with “Snack Tray!” And the “Welcome to Holland” Poem.

Yes, for all f*cks sake, we have heard it already!
I’ll repeat: WE HAVE HEARD IT ALREADY!

And some of us are livid at this pointt.


For many of us therapy is not an answer to lack of time, resources, or support. I personally could use a respite worker, a mom who gives a damn, a crisis hotline, an weekly visit with an Behavior therapist, Social Security retirement credits, an insurance program that pays at least for part of my kid’s therapies and pays for our legitimate medical claims instead of wasting dozens of hours of my time so I don’t get bilked out of a couple grand, a state waiver (been on a waiting list for four years), funds for a special needs attorney, and some time to go work out. A therapist isn’t going to help with any help of that.

Those things would actually help. Shelling out $120/week to cry in front of person who doesn’t even have a SN kid does NADA for me, except for the script I get for Xanax at the end. I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I had access to the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people get so insulted at the "seek therapy" recommendations?

Honestly, finding a good therapist is a nice thing you can do for YOURSELF. It's an hour you get to spend with someone who mostly only cares about YOUR welfare and how YOU are doing, not your husband, not your kids, not your other family members, not your boss, etc. etc.

It's a form of self care, really.

Most of us moms are so busy running around caring for other people and putting ourselves last. As an adult it's unusual for other people to be like, "oh but how are YOU doing with everything?"

A therapist will do that for you though, make you take time for yourself.

I think because it is 2019 and everyone is already aware of the option of therapy. These are grownups. They know therapy exists.

Many of us a very frustrated with the repeated therapy suggestions because we aren’t mentally broken, we are in bad situations, drowning in responsibilities, and have little practical support. And no matter how often we explain that, we are still met with a never ending chorus of “Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!”

It makes us want to scream. It’s right up there with “Snack Tray!” And the “Welcome to Holland” Poem.

Yes, for all f*cks sake, we have heard it already!
I’ll repeat: WE HAVE HEARD IT ALREADY!

And some of us are livid at this pointt.


For many of us therapy is not an answer to lack of time, resources, or support. I personally could use a respite worker, a mom who gives a damn, a crisis hotline, an weekly visit with an Behavior therapist, Social Security retirement credits, an insurance program that pays at least for part of my kid’s therapies and pays for our legitimate medical claims instead of wasting dozens of hours of my time so I don’t get bilked out of a couple grand, a state waiver (been on a waiting list for four years), funds for a special needs attorney, and some time to go work out. A therapist isn’t going to help with any help of that.

Those things would actually help. Shelling out $120/week to cry in front of person who doesn’t even have a SN kid does NADA for me, except for the script I get for Xanax at the end. I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I had access to the above.

I agree with this. What is therapy going to accomplish?

These moms need actual help and possibly time away from their home and kids. Ideas include returning to work, better division of household labor, time to themselves etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are welcome. I did report them. It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Just saying you don’t know what is wrong and feel overwhelmed is enough to start with. Chances are they will know how you feel.

You reported someone providing a solution to OP’s problem? She needs to discuss this with her DH and actually make changes in her life.

I reported the person who said “Get back to work.” Jeff thought it was appropriate to delete.

Interesting.

I honestly think this is a good suggestion. Isn’t OP crying at home in a locked bathroom? She needs a break from her kids and an escape!! I would be miserable at home all day and I don’t have SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people get so insulted at the "seek therapy" recommendations?

Honestly, finding a good therapist is a nice thing you can do for YOURSELF. It's an hour you get to spend with someone who mostly only cares about YOUR welfare and how YOU are doing, not your husband, not your kids, not your other family members, not your boss, etc. etc.

It's a form of self care, really.

Most of us moms are so busy running around caring for other people and putting ourselves last. As an adult it's unusual for other people to be like, "oh but how are YOU doing with everything?"

A therapist will do that for you though, make you take time for yourself.

I think because it is 2019 and everyone is already aware of the option of therapy. These are grownups. They know therapy exists.

Many of us a very frustrated with the repeated therapy suggestions because we aren’t mentally broken, we are in bad situations, drowning in responsibilities, and have little practical support. And no matter how often we explain that, we are still met with a never ending chorus of “Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!”

It makes us want to scream. It’s right up there with “Snack Tray!” And the “Welcome to Holland” Poem.

Yes, for all f*cks sake, we have heard it already!
I’ll repeat: WE HAVE HEARD IT ALREADY!

And some of us are livid at this pointt.


For many of us therapy is not an answer to lack of time, resources, or support. I personally could use a respite worker, a mom who gives a damn, a crisis hotline, an weekly visit with an Behavior therapist, Social Security retirement credits, an insurance program that pays at least for part of my kid’s therapies and pays for our legitimate medical claims instead of wasting dozens of hours of my time so I don’t get bilked out of a couple grand, a state waiver (been on a waiting list for four years), funds for a special needs attorney, and some time to go work out. A therapist isn’t going to help with any help of that.

Those things would actually help. Shelling out $120/week to cry in front of person who doesn’t even have a SN kid does NADA for me, except for the script I get for Xanax at the end. I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I had access to the above.

Pretty much. It is SO HARD to find a good therapist who is also affordable. It is SO HARD to get medical professionals to pay attention to mom - it feels as if the goal of pregnancy and birth professionals to deliver a healthy baby and then mom is totally ignored. Completely. I received entirely inadequate care post partum - for both physical issues and emotional issues. It was terrible, and therapy has never been accessible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I was actually going to start a separate thread about this topic (though I'm not divorced or considering it). Yes, in today's society that's built around nuclear families with dual-incomes, mom's get saddled with everything most of the time (I know there are exceptions). And we're supposed to love it and feel guilty about working instead of frustrated with the domestic duties we never really had as kids.

It's hard to be fun when you're exhausted all the time...and when a fun "family" outing often results in your getting the kids ready and then coralling them throughout the outing while their dad just gets to enjoy the kids' joy.

Since this is the SN forum, I'll also share that DS has SN (though they have turned out to be much milder than the original dx suggested...or rather on the mild end of the range of what it could have been). For the first year, finding and coordinating the right therapies and specialists was like a second job. And, in many ways, I think the early interventions might be part of why he didn't end up with more delays. But DH was so devastated at the initial news that he was paralyzed...and now he likes to act like I just overblew everything and all of the therapies etc were unnecessary. You simply can't win...either your work is essential and doesn't need acknowledging since it's your job as a mother, or your work is unnecessary and the result of silly "women" priorities.

What I don’t understand is why women are allowing this? Did you go on to have a second kid?

Simply sit down and make a list of everything that has to happen to run your household. Everything from scheduling cleaners to taking the dog to the vet. Then talk and write down who is responsible for each thing. Each spouse OWNS their responsibilities. You don’t schedule the vet for your husband if that is his responsibility.

If he refuses to do these things then don’t have more kids, consider divorce and/or stop doing all of these things for him. There may be some consequences from not handling everything but it will be worth it in the long run.

Answers like these seem designed to ignore reality. I'm the PP you are responding to, and we do have a division of labor that includes certain things that DH is responsible for. But that division of labor was set before DS (who's our second and last) was diagnosed with SN and before older DD started kindergarten which has added a lot more juggling to our lives. DH is open to changing it, but it's not simple. I opted for the more flexible, WAH job...partially, just because it was available to me due to my having a more in-demand skill set. But making a change so that I am not alone with kids as much during their most difficult periods is not simple. We'd either need to move or DH would have to find another job...or most likely both. Or we'd have to significantly increase paid childcare, which I'm reluctant to do for multiple reasons incl. wanting to remain on top of DS's needs and development. We *are* looking into moving and DH changing jobs, but his specialization and industry if fairly niche and there aren't many alternatives...so we might end up trading a little relief for me for significant professional dissatisfaction and underemployment for him (not to mention a significant drop in our HHI).

All of these things are on the table for us, but they would bring stress and disruption of their own. Honestly, I'd be pretty happy with just a little more acknowledgement that the logistical work of parenting, especially the added logistics from SN therapies, is hard and draining and can feel frustrating even when we choose to do it in support of our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people get so insulted at the "seek therapy" recommendations?

Honestly, finding a good therapist is a nice thing you can do for YOURSELF. It's an hour you get to spend with someone who mostly only cares about YOUR welfare and how YOU are doing, not your husband, not your kids, not your other family members, not your boss, etc. etc.

It's a form of self care, really.

Most of us moms are so busy running around caring for other people and putting ourselves last. As an adult it's unusual for other people to be like, "oh but how are YOU doing with everything?"

A therapist will do that for you though, make you take time for yourself.

I think because it is 2019 and everyone is already aware of the option of therapy. These are grownups. They know therapy exists.

Many of us a very frustrated with the repeated therapy suggestions because we aren’t mentally broken, we are in bad situations, drowning in responsibilities, and have little practical support. And no matter how often we explain that, we are still met with a never ending chorus of “Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!”

It makes us want to scream. It’s right up there with “Snack Tray!” And the “Welcome to Holland” Poem.

Yes, for all f*cks sake, we have heard it already!
I’ll repeat: WE HAVE HEARD IT ALREADY!

And some of us are livid at this pointt.


For many of us therapy is not an answer to lack of time, resources, or support. I personally could use a respite worker, a mom who gives a damn, a crisis hotline, an weekly visit with an Behavior therapist, Social Security retirement credits, an insurance program that pays at least for part of my kid’s therapies and pays for our legitimate medical claims instead of wasting dozens of hours of my time so I don’t get bilked out of a couple grand, a state waiver (been on a waiting list for four years), funds for a special needs attorney, and some time to go work out. A therapist isn’t going to help with any help of that.

Those things would actually help. Shelling out $120/week to cry in front of person who doesn’t even have a SN kid does NADA for me, except for the script I get for Xanax at the end. I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I had access to the above.

I am saving this. When my husband cheated and left me with an infant, everyone is like "omg you need therapy to deal with this"... no it's cool he is a jerk and I am over it. I need to figure out how to raise this kid on my own
When my son was dx with ASD "you need to look out for YOU TOO, and should see a therapist".. yes because I spend hours driving him to his therapies and trying to juggle single motherhood and working full time, yes let me add another thing to go to every week so I can tell someone "this is hard..." no shit this is hard, lol

"therapy" comments and religious comments "God only gives you what you can haaaandle" (this one makes me ragey), or "keep the faith! God will see you through this"... REALLY? Well why can't God just cure my kid and allow my child to live a healthy happy life! No? Oh how nice.. yeah let me praise that. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

For many of us therapy is not an answer to lack of time, resources, or support. I personally could use a respite worker, a mom who gives a damn, a crisis hotline, an weekly visit with an Behavior therapist, Social Security retirement credits, an insurance program that pays at least for part of my kid’s therapies and pays for our legitimate medical claims instead of wasting dozens of hours of my time so I don’t get bilked out of a couple grand, a state waiver (been on a waiting list for four years), funds for a special needs attorney, and some time to go work out. A therapist isn’t going to help with any help of that.

Those things would actually help. Shelling out $120/week to cry in front of person who doesn’t even have a SN kid does NADA for me, except for the script I get for Xanax at the end. I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I had access to the above.

I am saving this. When my husband cheated and left me with an infant, everyone is like "omg you need therapy to deal with this"... no it's cool he is a jerk and I am over it. I need to figure out how to raise this kid on my own
When my son was dx with ASD "you need to look out for YOU TOO, and should see a therapist".. yes because I spend hours driving him to his therapies and trying to juggle single motherhood and working full time, yes let me add another thing to go to every week so I can tell someone "this is hard..." no shit this is hard, lol

"therapy" comments and religious comments "God only gives you what you can haaaandle" (this one makes me ragey), or "keep the faith! God will see you through this"... REALLY? Well why can't God just cure my kid and allow my child to live a healthy happy life! No? Oh how nice.. yeah let me praise that. No thanks.

And I'm saving both of these. You're damn rignt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people get so insulted at the "seek therapy" recommendations?

Honestly, finding a good therapist is a nice thing you can do for YOURSELF. It's an hour you get to spend with someone who mostly only cares about YOUR welfare and how YOU are doing, not your husband, not your kids, not your other family members, not your boss, etc. etc.

It's a form of self care, really.

Most of us moms are so busy running around caring for other people and putting ourselves last. As an adult it's unusual for other people to be like, "oh but how are YOU doing with everything?"

A therapist will do that for you though, make you take time for yourself.

I think because it is 2019 and everyone is already aware of the option of therapy. These are grownups. They know therapy exists.

Many of us a very frustrated with the repeated therapy suggestions because we aren’t mentally broken, we are in bad situations, drowning in responsibilities, and have little practical support. And no matter how often we explain that, we are still met with a never ending chorus of “Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!”

It makes us want to scream. It’s right up there with “Snack Tray!” And the “Welcome to Holland” Poem.

Yes, for all f*cks sake, we have heard it already!
I’ll repeat: WE HAVE HEARD IT ALREADY!

And some of us are livid at this pointt.


For many of us therapy is not an answer to lack of time, resources, or support. I personally could use a respite worker, a mom who gives a damn, a crisis hotline, an weekly visit with an Behavior therapist, Social Security retirement credits, an insurance program that pays at least for part of my kid’s therapies and pays for our legitimate medical claims instead of wasting dozens of hours of my time so I don’t get bilked out of a couple grand, a state waiver (been on a waiting list for four years), funds for a special needs attorney, and some time to go work out. A therapist isn’t going to help with any help of that.

Those things would actually help. Shelling out $120/week to cry in front of person who doesn’t even have a SN kid does NADA for me, except for the script I get for Xanax at the end. I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I had access to the above.

I am saving this. When my husband cheated and left me with an infant, everyone is like "omg you need therapy to deal with this"... no it's cool he is a jerk and I am over it. I need to figure out how to raise this kid on my own
When my son was dx with ASD "you need to look out for YOU TOO, and should see a therapist".. yes because I spend hours driving him to his therapies and trying to juggle single motherhood and working full time, yes let me add another thing to go to every week so I can tell someone "this is hard..." no shit this is hard, lol

"therapy" comments and religious comments "God only gives you what you can haaaandle" (this one makes me ragey), or "keep the faith! God will see you through this"... REALLY? Well why can't God just cure my kid and allow my child to live a healthy happy life! No? Oh how nice.. yeah let me praise that. No thanks.

I am so with you...

Stupid person: “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
Me: “Really? Then why is there suicide?”

[Anonymous]

I think the posts suggesting therapy are very valid. There is also no shame in getting meds to help cope. Nobody should feel so much rage that they think about harming another. I say this as someone who posted her about having sandwich generation rage and I got myself help.

Therapy does not mean you are broken or mentally ill, though if you are either or both therapy is good for that too. It is part of managing the stress and finding ways to cope with anger in a healthy way.

I say this all as someone who has an elderly parent who has regular rage fits at me and who thinks mental health care is only for crazy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the posts suggesting therapy are very valid. There is also no shame in getting meds to help cope. Nobody should feel so much rage that they think about harming another. I say this as someone who posted her about having sandwich generation rage and I got myself help.

Therapy does not mean you are broken or mentally ill, though if you are either or both therapy is good for that too. It is part of managing the stress and finding ways to cope with anger in a healthy way.

I say this all as someone who has an elderly parent who has regular rage fits at me and who thinks mental health care is only for crazy people.

Telling moms who have the odds stacked against them that they need therapy is beginning to sound a lot like telling working women that they just need to “Lean In” because, you know, they just aren’t going at it the right way or trying hard enough.

[Anonymous]

HI there,
My name is Minna Dubin. I am the author of the New York Times article that began this thread. I'm writing a book on the subject and am looking for moms who struggle with mom rage to interview. All names and identifying info can be changed. If you're interested, please email me at momlists [at] gmail [dot] com.
Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posted in SN forum why?

What JUMPED out at me was the author listing the stuff her son does that provokes her and then she says *I know kids test limits and that's notlrmal.*


Well when yoir son is autistic and oppositional and every. Single. Thing. You ever asked/told him to do he wouldn't, it's not testing limits.

No to brush your hair.

No to let me brush your hair

No to wash your hands.
No to let me wash your hands.

No to get dressed.

No to eat veg or fruits.

No to let's go for a walk

No to don't take your sister's toys

No to wear a coat.

No to let's put these socks away together

And then you find yourself dragging a disheveled child in his pajamas with no coat on and untrusted hair to the store and you get the glares or your partner comes home and let's you know what a failure you are because he won't listen and the house has had everything dumped out of its bin and no laundry has been put away.
And now the neighbors hate you because they've heard you and your partner argue and yell about it and now you yell at your son because if he would just listen a few times, his sister wouldn't be crying and throwing toys at him and you might have a few of the things picked up before partner comes home. You see their looks and how they shun you and spread the news.

So you take him to the doctor who tells you he can be autistic because he makes eye contact so he's probably oppositional.

That's a special kind of rage.

But now my rage is largely directed at the neighbors who never bothered to offer a little help, just sat and gossiped and judged. And the doctors who told you ds was doing it to you with a clear mind, not because he couldn't help it.

This belongs here on this board +1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have sandwich generation rage. I feel this when crunched from both sides. Unlike the author though I have not needed to manage an urge to act out physically with my children, but I have absolutely been ashamed of angry I got when stressed out and I have needed to give myself a time out many times.

Interesting you mention this because I had it for a while too. I had to cut back on work significantly for my SN child and appointments and to make life sane and I know many don't have that option. Recently I finally realized i had to do the same to handle the sandwich stress. After years and years. Keep in mind I am not the primary caregiver, but years of emergencies, bat shit crazy behavior, evaluations, calling doctors, dealing with an irrational parent and useless siblings who try to be backseat drivers and don't help other than visiting occasionally and expecting a standing ovation.....I finally decided I would lose my mind if I didn't cut back again. It is a thankless job, but I will tell you having been through it already with a parent and an inlaw, I feel totally at peace with the loss. I don't feel guilt. I absolutely did everything I could without losing my mind. I know they know we loved them. But yes, there was a lot of rage that would come especially when others seemed to have no understanding of the toll it takes.

Yes, I did not feel an urge ever to act out physically, but I did sometimes get short tempered with my children and had to step back and find ways to cope. I got therapy. Found my friends in the same boat and eventually decided I had to work less. Sorry to ramble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people get so insulted at the "seek therapy" recommendations?

Honestly, finding a good therapist is a nice thing you can do for YOURSELF. It's an hour you get to spend with someone who mostly only cares about YOUR welfare and how YOU are doing, not your husband, not your kids, not your other family members, not your boss, etc. etc.

It's a form of self care, really.

Most of us moms are so busy running around caring for other people and putting ourselves last. As an adult it's unusual for other people to be like, "oh but how are YOU doing with everything?"

A therapist will do that for you though, make you take time for yourself.

I think because it is 2019 and everyone is already aware of the option of therapy. These are grownups. They know therapy exists.

Many of us a very frustrated with the repeated therapy suggestions because we aren’t mentally broken, we are in bad situations, drowning in responsibilities, and have little practical support. And no matter how often we explain that, we are still met with a never ending chorus of “Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!”

It makes us want to scream. It’s right up there with “Snack Tray!” And the “Welcome to Holland” Poem.

Yes, for all f*cks sake, we have heard it already!
I’ll repeat: WE HAVE HEARD IT ALREADY!

And some of us are livid at this pointt.


For many of us therapy is not an answer to lack of time, resources, or support. I personally could use a respite worker, a mom who gives a damn, a crisis hotline, an weekly visit with an Behavior therapist, Social Security retirement credits, an insurance program that pays at least for part of my kid’s therapies and pays for our legitimate medical claims instead of wasting dozens of hours of my time so I don’t get bilked out of a couple grand, a state waiver (been on a waiting list for four years), funds for a special needs attorney, and some time to go work out. A therapist isn’t going to help with any help of that.

Those things would actually help. Shelling out $120/week to cry in front of person who doesn’t even have a SN kid does NADA for me, except for the script I get for Xanax at the end. I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I had access to the above.

I am saving this. When my husband cheated and left me with an infant, everyone is like "omg you need therapy to deal with this"... no it's cool he is a jerk and I am over it. I need to figure out how to raise this kid on my own
When my son was dx with ASD "you need to look out for YOU TOO, and should see a therapist".. yes because I spend hours driving him to his therapies and trying to juggle single motherhood and working full time, yes let me add another thing to go to every week so I can tell someone "this is hard..." no shit this is hard, lol

"therapy" comments and religious comments "God only gives you what you can haaaandle" (this one makes me ragey), or "keep the faith! God will see you through this"... REALLY? Well why can't God just cure my kid and allow my child to live a healthy happy life! No? Oh how nice.. yeah let me praise that. No thanks.

I am so with you...

Stupid person: “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
Me: “Really? Then why is there suicide?”

I love all three of you. Let’s tell everyone we are getting therapy and then just go out dancing or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this, and so did my dad. I've gotten better control of it recently (DD is 6) but the first years were rough and I worry I've already passed it on to DD. DH doesn't seem to experience the same thing.

I know it must be genetic and/or learned, but I also think we aren't wired to live the way we do. I think we are designed to have fewer responsibilities and more community, and rage is partially a result of pressure.

Thanks, OP, for posting.

+1 It always feels so much more manageable when there is an extra pair of hands around ... even if they rarely do anything!