The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

[Anonymous]

I have never hurt my kids, but a few times, I have hurt myself. Scratched myself, slapped myself. Just to get it out.

[Anonymous]

I’m mainly in despair.

If my HFA child is having a bad day or week and refusing to do everything.
If I wallow in my failed marriage to my HFA spouse and how significantly my life was altered.

No energy for rage. Any anger energy used to go towards my raging lunatic spouse as he would provoke and aggravate and escalate any and all things to preserve his image. Makes me ill.

[Anonymous]

Meditation. Don’t laugh. Just locking yourself in a room or a car for ten minutes and breathing.

Resetting your reactivity.

Who cares if dinners late or they don’t their homework or whatever? Let it go. Not just in the moment but the big things. We cannot be perfect. We just can’t. That’s ok.

I no longer rage. My house is messier. One of my kids gets Cs, but I am happier. We all are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meditation. Don’t laugh. Just locking yourself in a room or a car for ten minutes and breathing.

Resetting your reactivity.

Who cares if dinners late or they don’t their homework or whatever? Let it go. Not just in the moment but the big things. We cannot be perfect. We just can’t. That’s ok.

I no longer rage. My house is messier. One of my kids gets Cs, but I am happier. We all are.

This. I just let it go. It has made things a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all who posted. I feel better about my own anger, resentment and pure frustration. I bust my ass doing “everything right” and I often feel like all my endless efforts, love, understand etc is for nothing.
DH is a good guy but the child rearing and discipline is up to me or it won’t happen.

[Anonymous]

I feel all of this. Anxiety over my SN kid, dealing with his rage and dysregulation, plus perimenopause is a deadly combo. Add a pandemic and bingo. It is terrifying. I trust myself not get violent, but I have screamed so loud my throat hurt for hours. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posted in SN forum why?

I’m OP. I thought about how I could have posted it in the regular parenting forum but I really wanted to my fellow SN mom’s to see it. We have challenges and stressors and loads of confusion and guilt already built into parenting because of the ambiguity inherent in parenting any SN child. You’re rarely certain if you are doing the right things or if it will turn out okay. That insecurity itself is a powerful force in stirring up a sense of no control. Add in the stares, misunderstandings, and other awkward moments with society, plus every day issues everyone has, etc and…UGH!

It just seemed more helpful to post it here.

I helped me, OP. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Pls get thyroid checked. I had this at 49 it was Graves’ disease (hyperthyroid). Heart racing, then trembling hands, and rage. Easily fixed with medication and added yoga to the mix. Never felt that angry again in 5 years time. (I knew something was wrong when I got irrationally angry at a ma June at work one day plus panic feeling)

[Anonymous]

Ma June was meant to be Machine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the posts suggesting therapy are very valid. There is also no shame in getting meds to help cope. Nobody should feel so much rage that they think about harming another. I say this as someone who posted her about having sandwich generation rage and I got myself help.

Therapy does not mean you are broken or mentally ill, though if you are either or both therapy is good for that too. It is part of managing the stress and finding ways to cope with anger in a healthy way.

I say this all as someone who has an elderly parent who has regular rage fits at me and who thinks mental health care is only for crazy people.

Telling moms who have the odds stacked against them that they need therapy is beginning to sound a lot like telling working women that they just need to “Lean In” because, you know, they just aren’t going at it the right way or trying hard enough.

NP. I agree with the PP. therapy helps me in giving me a place to vent and someone to validate my stress and concerns. I started going after I realized I couldn’t use my H/mom/BFF this way without them eventually wanting to dump me.

I am not crazy or broken. I just need a venting session once a month.

[Anonymous]

Interesting, I hadn't factored in prei menopause. I had a mother who raged. And I caught myself doing it. My daughter had some regulation issues and as a single mom it was very hard on me especially with the pandemic. I finally figured out what her needs were and things are much better but I still catch myself sometimes flying off the handle at times. It's a work in progress. I have recognized that the cleaner my home is, the less work I have to do at work and the more sleep I get, the better I function. And also, I need some down time.

[Anonymous]

I am a therapist. The rage women feel is from an invalidating environment and the fact that they are ultimately held responsible for their children's conduct. There is an epidemic of children born with mental health problems (from ADHD to Autism to ODD) and these mothers are punished, judged, and excluded by society - as they were once blamed as "refrigerator moms" not that long ago, we haven't come much farther in our society. Today, it's the mother's job to deliver the therapy interventions to the child despite the fact that many of these interventions don't bring much success and thereby bring more feelings of inadequacy, frustration, fatigue, and failure to the mother. Then these children hit adolescence. No one talks about the emotional and physical abuse that mothers endure from their children from the earliest of ages while they are responsible for nurturing and caring for them. Day in and day out, day in and day out. Knowing these kids may be dependent forever. This is a societal problem. Isolation and rejection from society causes rage and depression. It's like having a homeless person come to therapy to discuss how they can manage being homeless better. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. The rage women feel is from an invalidating environment and the fact that they are ultimately held responsible for their children's conduct. There is an epidemic of children born with mental health problems (from ADHD to Autism to ODD) and these mothers are punished, judged, and excluded by society - as they were once blamed as "refrigerator moms" not that long ago, we haven't come much farther in our society. Today, it's the mother's job to deliver the therapy interventions to the child despite the fact that many of these interventions don't bring much success and thereby bring more feelings of inadequacy, frustration, fatigue, and failure to the mother. Then these children hit adolescence. No one talks about the emotional and physical abuse that mothers endure from their children from the earliest of ages while they are responsible for nurturing and caring for them. Day in and day out, day in and day out. Knowing these kids may be dependent forever. This is a societal problem. Isolation and rejection from society causes rage and depression. It's like having a homeless person come to therapy to discuss how they can manage being homeless better. Ridiculous.

NP here. Thank you so much for posting this.

[Anonymous]

My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Wow, PP. I’m sorry. That is so hurtful. We had a similar instance where my kids were excluded from a significant family milestone event because of one child’s SNs. It’s a rift that I won’t work to repair.