The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading in the first paragraph b/c Lamontt was quoted. She's mentally ill and an unfit mother IMO. Her first book gave me rage.

[Anonymous]

Perimenopausal with young kids and I too have the rage. For me, some of it is triggered by poorly managed anxiety, some of it is probably a result of being raised by an inconsistent mom who also had the rage, and some of it is everything mentioned above. I have a loving but ultimately clueless DH. I honestly feel like managing my anger is one more thing on my plate - finding a therapist or physician to help, carving out even more time to meditate, do work on myself, etc. In self-reflective moments I KNOW it's my own problem and I vow to do better, but still find myself snapping.

[Anonymous]

When my child was born with a disability I asked for a therapist three times before I left the maternity ward.

After going home I was distraught that I couldn’t find a single therapist who would take my insurance and wouldn’t reimburse me for the $400 eval and $150 visits.

I went to the OB/GYN and said I was NOT COPING. I was given an Rx for antidepressants and referrals for more therapists who would not take my insurance.

I finally found a psych who did meds only. He stingingly doled put some Xanax and told me to have another kid before turning me out ten minutes later. This happened each of the three visits in which I saw him.

Not everyone has access to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

I was actually going to start a separate thread about this topic (though I'm not divorced or considering it). Yes, in today's society that's built around nuclear families with dual-incomes, mom's get saddled with everything most of the time (I know there are exceptions). And we're supposed to love it and feel guilty about working instead of frustrated with the domestic duties we never really had as kids.

It's hard to be fun when you're exhausted all the time...and when a fun "family" outing often results in your getting the kids ready and then coralling them throughout the outing while their dad just gets to enjoy the kids' joy.

Since this is the SN forum, I'll also share that DS has SN (though they have turned out to be much milder than the original dx suggested...or rather on the mild end of the range of what it could have been). For the first year, finding and coordinating the right therapies and specialists was like a second job. And, in many ways, I think the early interventions might be part of why he didn't end up with more delays. But DH was so devastated at the initial news that he was paralyzed...and now he likes to act like I just overblew everything and all of the therapies etc were unnecessary. You simply can't win...either your work is essential and doesn't need acknowledging since it's your job as a mother, or your work is unnecessary and the result of silly "women" priorities.

What I don’t understand is why women are allowing this? Did you go on to have a second kid?

Simply sit down and make a list of everything that has to happen to run your household. Everything from scheduling cleaners to taking the dog to the vet. Then talk and write down who is responsible for each thing. Each spouse OWNS their responsibilities. You don’t schedule the vet for your husband if that is his responsibility.

If he refuses to do these things then don’t have more kids, consider divorce and/or stop doing all of these things for him. There may be some consequences from not handling everything but it will be worth it in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I get being annoyed or frustrated but rage? To the point where you're scared to touch the kid because you might shake them or beat them up?

Therapy, seek some. You need help.

Perfect parent posting bs again. Bugger off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

I was actually going to start a separate thread about this topic (though I'm not divorced or considering it). Yes, in today's society that's built around nuclear families with dual-incomes, mom's get saddled with everything most of the time (I know there are exceptions). And we're supposed to love it and feel guilty about working instead of frustrated with the domestic duties we never really had as kids.

It's hard to be fun when you're exhausted all the time...and when a fun "family" outing often results in your getting the kids ready and then coralling them throughout the outing while their dad just gets to enjoy the kids' joy.

Since this is the SN forum, I'll also share that DS has SN (though they have turned out to be much milder than the original dx suggested...or rather on the mild end of the range of what it could have been). For the first year, finding and coordinating the right therapies and specialists was like a second job. And, in many ways, I think the early interventions might be part of why he didn't end up with more delays. But DH was so devastated at the initial news that he was paralyzed...and now he likes to act like I just overblew everything and all of the therapies etc were unnecessary. You simply can't win...either your work is essential and doesn't need acknowledging since it's your job as a mother, or your work is unnecessary and the result of silly "women" priorities.

What I don’t understand is why women are allowing this? Did you go on to have a second kid?

Simply sit down and make a list of everything that has to happen to run your household. Everything from scheduling cleaners to taking the dog to the vet. Then talk and write down who is responsible for each thing. Each spouse OWNS their responsibilities. You don’t schedule the vet for your husband if that is his responsibility.

If he refuses to do these things then don’t have more kids, consider divorce and/or stop doing all of these things for him. There may be some consequences from not handling everything but it will be worth it in the long run.

This is why women don’t post their true feelings. Some ignorant perfect patty comes along and just makes it all so simple, ie blaming the mom. I need a Xanax after reading the pp’s oh so simple fix.

PP go to therapy and find some compassion.

[Anonymous]

I am melting down right now and have locked myself in my study. I am so overwhelmed by my children's needs and don't know how to help them. I'm all tapped out. And please don't say seek a therapist- I spend 1/2 my time running to different therapy appointments, specialist appointments etc. I'm so tired of the phone calls, 'we need some new strategies for Larlo.' I haven't a clue how to help him. I'm particularly exhausted that I say I have to have a time out in order to avoid losing it and now my children are losing it outside the door because I am upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

I was actually going to start a separate thread about this topic (though I'm not divorced or considering it). Yes, in today's society that's built around nuclear families with dual-incomes, mom's get saddled with everything most of the time (I know there are exceptions). And we're supposed to love it and feel guilty about working instead of frustrated with the domestic duties we never really had as kids.

It's hard to be fun when you're exhausted all the time...and when a fun "family" outing often results in your getting the kids ready and then coralling them throughout the outing while their dad just gets to enjoy the kids' joy.

Since this is the SN forum, I'll also share that DS has SN (though they have turned out to be much milder than the original dx suggested...or rather on the mild end of the range of what it could have been). For the first year, finding and coordinating the right therapies and specialists was like a second job. And, in many ways, I think the early interventions might be part of why he didn't end up with more delays. But DH was so devastated at the initial news that he was paralyzed...and now he likes to act like I just overblew everything and all of the therapies etc were unnecessary. You simply can't win...either your work is essential and doesn't need acknowledging since it's your job as a mother, or your work is unnecessary and the result of silly "women" priorities.

What I don’t understand is why women are allowing this? Did you go on to have a second kid?

Simply sit down and make a list of everything that has to happen to run your household. Everything from scheduling cleaners to taking the dog to the vet. Then talk and write down who is responsible for each thing. Each spouse OWNS their responsibilities. You don’t schedule the vet for your husband if that is his responsibility.

If he refuses to do these things then don’t have more kids, consider divorce and/or stop doing all of these things for him. There may be some consequences from not handling everything but it will be worth it in the long run.

This is why women don’t post their true feelings. Some ignorant perfect patty comes along and just makes it all so simple, ie blaming the mom. I need a Xanax after reading the pp’s oh so simple fix.

PP go to therapy and find some compassion.

PP here. That’s the problem. You’re failing to understand that it takes two parents to end up in this situation. The poster isn’t completely blameless for enabling her husband and living a life where she is unhappy. I would suggest that the husband also take action but he isn’t posting on here as far as I know. Instead it’s a mom complaining about her life. Well then make changes.

Men contribute less at home due to culture and societal norms and also because WOMEN WILL DO THE WORK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am melting down right now and have locked myself in my study. I am so overwhelmed by my children's needs and don't know how to help them. I'm all tapped out. And please don't say seek a therapist- I spend 1/2 my time running to different therapy appointments, specialist appointments etc. I'm so tired of the phone calls, 'we need some new strategies for Larlo.' I haven't a clue how to help him. I'm particularly exhausted that I say I have to have a time out in order to avoid losing it and now my children are losing it outside the door because I am upset.

The good news is that they are probably okay while you are locked away trying to simmer down. My second child was born and I filed for divorce the next day. Not hormonal, just realized that it was now or never. I did all the scary doctor appointments and tests alone. I lost too much weight and developed a life threatening illness. I had to put the baby down if we were going to make it at all. And she survived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am melting down right now and have locked myself in my study. I am so overwhelmed by my children's needs and don't know how to help them. I'm all tapped out. And please don't say seek a therapist- I spend 1/2 my time running to different therapy appointments, specialist appointments etc. I'm so tired of the phone calls, 'we need some new strategies for Larlo.' I haven't a clue how to help him. I'm particularly exhausted that I say I have to have a time out in order to avoid losing it and now my children are losing it outside the door because I am upset.

I hear you and I have been there. I’m hoping that you are beginning to feel better now.

When my husband was working FT and going to night school to get another degree. That was three very, lonely scary years and I have had to do what you are doing right now. Sometimes I set up the iPad with a movie and hid in my room for a couple of hours. It’s okay, you are doing what you have to do survive. I joined a SN mom’s support group and we all agreed it was life saving to have a fellow SN mom who would drop everything to talk when one of you is in crisis mode. It can help fast at times like this.

Do you know anyone that you might be able to do that with?

Sending hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am melting down right now and have locked myself in my study. I am so overwhelmed by my children's needs and don't know how to help them. I'm all tapped out. And please don't say seek a therapist- I spend 1/2 my time running to different therapy appointments, specialist appointments etc. I'm so tired of the phone calls, 'we need some new strategies for Larlo.' I haven't a clue how to help him. I'm particularly exhausted that I say I have to have a time out in order to avoid losing it and now my children are losing it outside the door because I am upset.

I hear you and I have been there. I’m hoping that you are beginning to feel better now.

When my husband was working FT and going to night school to get another degree. That was three very, lonely scary years and I have had to do what you are doing right now. Sometimes I set up the iPad with a movie and hid in my room for a couple of hours. It’s okay, you are doing what you have to do survive. I joined a SN mom’s support group and we all agreed it was life saving to have a fellow SN mom who would drop everything to talk when one of you is in crisis mode. It can help fast at times like this.

Do you know anyone that you might be able to do that with?

Sending hugs

thankyou- and thankyou if you are the person who reported the nasty response and had it deleted. I have friends- but I don't know who I can just call- partially b/c I don't really know what my problem is- I'm just totally overwhelmed by all the needs, and then loose it over minor things.

[Anonymous]

You are welcome. I did report them. It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Just saying you don’t know what is wrong and feel overwhelmed is enough to start with. Chances are they will know how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are welcome. I did report them. It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Just saying you don’t know what is wrong and feel overwhelmed is enough to start with. Chances are they will know how you feel.

You reported someone providing a solution to OP’s problem? She needs to discuss this with her DH and actually make changes in her life.

[Anonymous]

Why do people get so insulted at the "seek therapy" recommendations?

Honestly, finding a good therapist is a nice thing you can do for YOURSELF. It's an hour you get to spend with someone who mostly only cares about YOUR welfare and how YOU are doing, not your husband, not your kids, not your other family members, not your boss, etc. etc.

It's a form of self care, really.

Most of us moms are so busy running around caring for other people and putting ourselves last. As an adult it's unusual for other people to be like, "oh but how are YOU doing with everything?"

A therapist will do that for you though, make you take time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are welcome. I did report them. It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Just saying you don’t know what is wrong and feel overwhelmed is enough to start with. Chances are they will know how you feel.

You reported someone providing a solution to OP’s problem? She needs to discuss this with her DH and actually make changes in her life.

I reported the person who said “Get back to work.” Jeff thought it was appropriate to delete.