The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Wow, PP. I’m sorry. That is so hurtful. We had a similar instance where my kids were excluded from a significant family milestone event because of one child’s SNs. It’s a rift that I won’t work to repair.

Thank you. If extended family had been supportive of DD through the years, I think I could accept this requesr and move on. But that hasn’t been the case so there doesn’t seem to be much of a reason to maintain ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Wow, PP. I’m sorry. That is so hurtful. We had a similar instance where my kids were excluded from a significant family milestone event because of one child’s SNs. It’s a rift that I won’t work to repair.

Thank you. If extended family had been supportive of DD through the years, I think I could accept this requesr and move on. But that hasn’t been the case so there doesn’t seem to be much of a reason to maintain ties.

Np. There's an expectation that we will go quietly so any way they treat us, our children, is acceptable. It is not.

[Anonymous]

PP with autistic DD again. Grandmother just called and urged us to “support niece” by attending bat mitzvah. Now we will be the bad guys if we don’t. Smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. The rage women feel is from an invalidating environment and the fact that they are ultimately held responsible for their children's conduct. There is an epidemic of children born with mental health problems (from ADHD to Autism to ODD) and these mothers are punished, judged, and excluded by society - as they were once blamed as "refrigerator moms" not that long ago, we haven't come much farther in our society. Today, it's the mother's job to deliver the therapy interventions to the child despite the fact that many of these interventions don't bring much success and thereby bring more feelings of inadequacy, frustration, fatigue, and failure to the mother. Then these children hit adolescence. No one talks about the emotional and physical abuse that mothers endure from their children from the earliest of ages while they are responsible for nurturing and caring for them. Day in and day out, day in and day out. Knowing these kids may be dependent forever. This is a societal problem. Isolation and rejection from society causes rage and depression. It's like having a homeless person come to therapy to discuss how they can manage being homeless better. Ridiculous.

NP here. Thank you so much for posting this.

+1 thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. The rage women feel is from an invalidating environment and the fact that they are ultimately held responsible for their children's conduct. There is an epidemic of children born with mental health problems (from ADHD to Autism to ODD) and these mothers are punished, judged, and excluded by society - as they were once blamed as "refrigerator moms" not that long ago, we haven't come much farther in our society. Today, it's the mother's job to deliver the therapy interventions to the child despite the fact that many of these interventions don't bring much success and thereby bring more feelings of inadequacy, frustration, fatigue, and failure to the mother. Then these children hit adolescence. No one talks about the emotional and physical abuse that mothers endure from their children from the earliest of ages while they are responsible for nurturing and caring for them. Day in and day out, day in and day out. Knowing these kids may be dependent forever. This is a societal problem. Isolation and rejection from society causes rage and depression. It's like having a homeless person come to therapy to discuss how they can manage being homeless better. Ridiculous.

So true, so true.

Darwin days are over, so SN pop is growing and repopulating. One can live a long time at home on a computer all day. No danger in the road, saber tooth tigers, worries about planting the crops wrong, fire and danger at home...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. The rage women feel is from an invalidating environment and the fact that they are ultimately held responsible for their children's conduct. There is an epidemic of children born with mental health problems (from ADHD to Autism to ODD) and these mothers are punished, judged, and excluded by society - as they were once blamed as "refrigerator moms" not that long ago, we haven't come much farther in our society. Today, it's the mother's job to deliver the therapy interventions to the child despite the fact that many of these interventions don't bring much success and thereby bring more feelings of inadequacy, frustration, fatigue, and failure to the mother. Then these children hit adolescence. No one talks about the emotional and physical abuse that mothers endure from their children from the earliest of ages while they are responsible for nurturing and caring for them. Day in and day out, day in and day out. Knowing these kids may be dependent forever. This is a societal problem. Isolation and rejection from society causes rage and depression. It's like having a homeless person come to therapy to discuss how they can manage being homeless better. Ridiculous.

Agree with the mom having to drive the interventions/therapy process and execution.

Agree it often does not pay off. Can unravel via other parent or once kid gets the scaffolding slowly off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Sorry to hear this. Was the general ceremony throttled down in headcount? We’ve been going to virtual ones, even for local cousins. That said if not an issue, all should attend and be chaperoned if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Sorry to hear this. Was the general ceremony throttled down in headcount? We’ve been going to virtual ones, even for local cousins. That said if not an issue, all should attend and be chaperoned if needed.

No, it was not. We would gladly chaperone and make sure the ceremony was not disrupted, as we always have done. It’s like DD doesn’t exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. The rage women feel is from an invalidating environment and the fact that they are ultimately held responsible for their children's conduct. There is an epidemic of children born with mental health problems (from ADHD to Autism to ODD) and these mothers are punished, judged, and excluded by society - as they were once blamed as "refrigerator moms" not that long ago, we haven't come much farther in our society. Today, it's the mother's job to deliver the therapy interventions to the child despite the fact that many of these interventions don't bring much success and thereby bring more feelings of inadequacy, frustration, fatigue, and failure to the mother. Then these children hit adolescence. No one talks about the emotional and physical abuse that mothers endure from their children from the earliest of ages while they are responsible for nurturing and caring for them. Day in and day out, day in and day out. Knowing these kids may be dependent forever. This is a societal problem. Isolation and rejection from society causes rage and depression. It's like having a homeless person come to therapy to discuss how they can manage being homeless better. Ridiculous.

NP here. Thank you so much for posting this.

+1 thank you

I feel like the ghost of Nancy Lanza hangs over every SN mother. Clearly she did things wrong. And she ended up as the first victim. But if you read the Newton report, it is very clear that, say what you will, she tried like hell to get help for her kid starting in Kindergarten. Her husband left and took her other kid to another state, the schools and therapies were ultimately unsuccessful....and she goes down in history as literally the most unsuccessful mother ever. Every time someone says “God never gives you more than you can handle!” I think “Tell it to Nancy Lanza’s ghost.”

[Anonymous]

I feel like the ghost of Nancy Lanza hangs over every SN mother. Clearly she did things wrong. And she ended up as the first victim. But if you read the Newton report, it is very clear that, say what you will, she tried like hell to get help for her kid starting in Kindergarten. Her husband left and took her other kid to another state, the schools and therapies were ultimately unsuccessful....and she goes down in history as literally the most unsuccessful mother ever. Every time someone says “God never gives you more than you can handle!” I think “Tell it to Nancy Lanza’s ghost.”

This is NOT the example I would use. Adam Lanza had a lot of indicia of someone with FASD, which would have been completely preventable by his mother. In addition, despite a huge amount of warning signals about lack of empathy, reasoning ability, etc., his mother chose to let him access and keep firearms, which was utterly insane. And she paid for those significant judgment errors with her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Sorry to hear this. Was the general ceremony throttled down in headcount? We’ve been going to virtual ones, even for local cousins. That said if not an issue, all should attend and be chaperoned if needed.

No, it was not. We would gladly chaperone and make sure the ceremony was not disrupted, as we always have done. It’s like DD doesn’t exist.

I would decline. You are supposed to leave your daughter one for a family event. Between covid and that, I wouldn't give it another thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with autistic DD again. Grandmother just called and urged us to “support niece” by attending bat mitzvah. Now we will be the bad guys if we don’t. Smh

I'm so unclear on this. When grandmother says this, do you not respond with something like "when will my dc be supported? " I would even lay it right out and say "dc will he invited to few parties by friends. We would think family would have supported and welcomed us unconditionally. You're talking about my child like some sort of animal that's uncontrollable and filthy and noisy. How dare you!"
The worst part of this is You're now expected to give her a gift after this outrageous insult.
Idk. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. I would make it clear this isn't allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Sorry to hear this. Was the general ceremony throttled down in headcount? We’ve been going to virtual ones, even for local cousins. That said if not an issue, all should attend and be chaperoned if needed.

No, it was not. We would gladly chaperone and make sure the ceremony was not disrupted, as we always have done. It’s like DD doesn’t exist.

I would decline. You are supposed to leave your daughter one for a family event. Between covid and that, I wouldn't give it another thought.

We will be declining and not sending a gift. Thank you to all the pps who responded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece just informed us that our DD with autism was not invited to her bat mitzvah because she is afraid she will make an inappropriate sound or otherwise distract from her ceremony. The rest of the family is welcome to attend. I feel rage and deep sadness.

Sorry to hear this. Was the general ceremony throttled down in headcount? We’ve been going to virtual ones, even for local cousins. That said if not an issue, all should attend and be chaperoned if needed.

No, it was not. We would gladly chaperone and make sure the ceremony was not disrupted, as we always have done. It’s like DD doesn’t exist.

I would decline. You are supposed to leave your daughter one for a family event. Between covid and that, I wouldn't give it another thought.

We will be declining and not sending a gift. Thank you to all the pps who responded.

Hugs. I'm sorry you had to experience this , I admire your strength. I've had similiar experiences where I didn't stand up and it just got worse and worse until my anger exploded