The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

[Anonymous]

Breathe deep. Keep trying. You aren’t alone.

https://parenting.nytimes.com/parent-life/mother-rage?smid=nytcore-ios-share

[Anonymous]

I have this. I assume it’s from being spanked myself and is genetic. My dad had rage like this. He never abused and honestly I barely remember being spanked (5x in a while childhood?) but I knew it was there.

It’s something I work on daily and hope to not pass on. My best advice is to walk out of the room and go play candy crush for 10 minutes. Anger is momentary. My dh isn’t like this and I notice he doesn’t have this rage.

[Anonymous]

I have sandwich generation rage. I feel this when crunched from both sides. Unlike the author though I have not needed to manage an urge to act out physically with my children, but I have absolutely been ashamed of angry I got when stressed out and I have needed to give myself a time out many times.

[Anonymous]

Brave purge. My mother raged at us for such tiny slights. She was terrifying. My son is 6 and until very recently, I had been so proud that I never raged at him. But lately my rage is out of control. I never hit him but I have wanted to lash out at him. I slam my hands on the counter: I have screamed. I hate myself for it. It’s a combination of depression, menopause, and hating my stressful
Job. I hate feeling like it is not within my control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brave purge. My mother raged at us for such tiny slights. She was terrifying. My son is 6 and until very recently, I had been so proud that I never raged at him. But lately my rage is out of control. I never hit him but I have wanted to lash out at him. I slam my hands on the counter: I have screamed. I hate myself for it. It’s a combination of depression, menopause, and hating my stressful
Job. I hate feeling like it is not within my control.

I feel for you. And that is brave. When I hit peri-menopause my rage emerged along with getting a period every two weeks. I felt and still feel ashamed of similar behavior. Ever since, I take meds I’m not completely comfortable with just to keep my moods more even because I’m that scared of losing control. At least the hot flashes give me a warning when to lay low.

[Anonymous]

I have this, and so did my dad. I've gotten better control of it recently (DD is 6) but the first years were rough and I worry I've already passed it on to DD. DH doesn't seem to experience the same thing.

I know it must be genetic and/or learned, but I also think we aren't wired to live the way we do. I think we are designed to have fewer responsibilities and more community, and rage is partially a result of pressure.

Thanks, OP, for posting.

[Anonymous]

Posted in SN forum why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posted in SN forum why?

I’m OP. I thought about how I could have posted it in the regular parenting forum but I really wanted to my fellow SN mom’s to see it. We have challenges and stressors and loads of confusion and guilt already built into parenting because of the ambiguity inherent in parenting any SN child. You’re rarely certain if you are doing the right things or if it will turn out okay. That insecurity itself is a powerful force in stirring up a sense of no control. Add in the stares, misunderstandings, and other awkward moments with society, plus every day issues everyone has, etc and…UGH!

It just seemed more helpful to post it here.

[Anonymous]

Another mom who is mystified as to why this is in SN. The whole point of the article is that this affects all moms. If you want to talk about the shame and isolation SN moms feel, that's another topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another mom who is mystified as to why this is in SN. The whole point of the article is that this affects all moms. If you want to talk about the shame and isolation SN moms feel, that's another topic.

I think moms of kids with SN can feel both rage AND shame and isolation. Let’s not act as if we only come in one flavor: long suffering martyr.

I absolutely have had moments of rage (not towards my kids), but at people who hurt or in some way exploited them due to their SN. A friend took up boxing to channel her rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posted in SN forum why?

I’m OP. I thought about how I could have posted it in the regular parenting forum but I really wanted to my fellow SN mom’s to see it. We have challenges and stressors and loads of confusion and guilt already built into parenting because of the ambiguity inherent in parenting any SN child. You’re rarely certain if you are doing the right things or if it will turn out okay. That insecurity itself is a powerful force in stirring up a sense of no control. Add in the stares, misunderstandings, and other awkward moments with society, plus every day issues everyone has, etc and…UGH!

It just seemed more helpful to post it here.

You don't have to justify where you posted the article. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

[Anonymous]

Yes I read this, and also related so strongly to it.

I've had to do a lot of honest self-evaluation about this. I had to really tap into what was setting me off. For me, it was partially about insecurity. That nagging voice "am I raising a good kid?" would turn into a roar of "you are raising a spoiled brat". And then I'd take out every ounce of that insecurity on my very little child. Then I'd feel so ashamed and guilty. I had to recognize that it was a pattern, but also that I could control it. Self reflection helped me a ton. Just saying out loud "I never want to yell at her like that again" was helpful.

I also apologize to my kid, which helps keep me honest. When I've been out of line, I say so.

I don't want her earliest memories of me to be me yelling at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

Thank you for saying this. My rage was at its worst when we were overseas, we had 2 toddlers, I had no support system and my husband was deployed. It felt dangerous. The problem however wasn't that Mommy couldn't hold it together. It was that Mommy had been put in an impossible situation. Remember telling my physician in the army base who gave me a prescription for . . . XANAX! because the solution isn't to provide any sort of assistance. It's to drug the moms up so they don't care. Brilliant.

[Anonymous]

Rage fear and desperation. Great article. But this thread should be moved because MANY mothers feel this way.