The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

You are a very compelling writer, and I would read a longer essay you wrote any time.

I am glad you are in a better place. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

Amen Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

Amen Sister

Hell yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posted in SN forum why?

I’m OP. I thought about how I could have posted it in the regular parenting forum but I really wanted to my fellow SN mom’s to see it. We have challenges and stressors and loads of confusion and guilt already built into parenting because of the ambiguity inherent in parenting any SN child. You’re rarely certain if you are doing the right things or if it will turn out okay. That insecurity itself is a powerful force in stirring up a sense of no control. Add in the stares, misunderstandings, and other awkward moments with society, plus every day issues everyone has, etc and…UGH!

It just seemed more helpful to post it here.

I can see this, OP. Most of my friends do not have SN kids, and while I know parenting is very hard on them, having a SN kid adds specific stresses that affect our relationships with others, such as spouses and other children.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I get being annoyed or frustrated but rage? To the point where you're scared to touch the kid because you might shake them or beat them up?

Therapy, seek some. You need help.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

Amen Sister

Hell yes.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. And I know someone will say "but didn't you know before you got married who you were marrying?" and the answer is No, I didn't know. He was fine before we had kids. The problem is that kids increased the work hundredfold but DH stayed at the same level as pre-kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I get being annoyed or frustrated but rage? To the point where you're scared to touch the kid because you might shake them or beat them up?

Therapy, seek some. You need help.

Yeah, we DO need help: from society, from our partners, from other mothers who would rather judge us; the list is endless.

Therapy, sure, but these issues are much bigger than that. I completely identify with the rage the author of this post described (and my kids thus far are typically developing, I can empathize but don't have the lived experience of parenting a SN child).

I mean, good for you that you and/or your children are *that* easy-going and you have all the resources you need. Lose the judgment of those of us who don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I get being annoyed or frustrated but rage? To the point where you're scared to touch the kid because you might shake them or beat them up?

Therapy, seek some. You need help.

And...this is why it needs to be posted. Your judgement only serves to further stigmatize and shame those who are in fear. Making them feel more ashamed and afraid only makes it harder for them to open up and talk about these overwhelming feelings and be better moms.

Ultimately, your judgement hurts the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I get being annoyed or frustrated but rage? To the point where you're scared to touch the kid because you might shake them or beat them up?

Therapy, seek some. You need help.

And...this is why it needs to be posted. Your judgement only serves to further stigmatize and shame those who are in fear. Making them feel more ashamed and afraid only makes it harder for them to open up and talk about these overwhelming feelings and be better moms.

Ultimately, your judgement hurts the kids.

YES.

This is a normal response of a person to an untenable situation. That doesn't mean it's okay; it's just NOT because the person is broken, faulty, or abnormal. The situation needs to be changed -- not the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I get being annoyed or frustrated but rage? To the point where you're scared to touch the kid because you might shake them or beat them up?

Therapy, seek some. You need help.

And...this is why it needs to be posted. Your judgement only serves to further stigmatize and shame those who are in fear. Making them feel more ashamed and afraid only makes it harder for them to open up and talk about these overwhelming feelings and be better moms.

Ultimately, your judgement hurts the kids.

YES.

This is a normal response of a person to an untenable situation. That doesn't mean it's okay; it's just NOT because the person is broken, faulty, or abnormal. The situation needs to be changed -- not the person.

I wrote at 8:44. ITA, but I will say that it can be very helpful to go to therapy. A good therapist will be an outside voice who draws attention to the fact that your situation is untenable, gives you permission to name it as untenable, and gives you strategies to change or better manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I get being annoyed or frustrated but rage? To the point where you're scared to touch the kid because you might shake them or beat them up?

Therapy, seek some. You need help.

And...this is why it needs to be posted. Your judgement only serves to further stigmatize and shame those who are in fear. Making them feel more ashamed and afraid only makes it harder for them to open up and talk about these overwhelming feelings and be better moms.

Ultimately, your judgement hurts the kids.

YES.

This is a normal response of a person to an untenable situation. That doesn't mean it's okay; it's just NOT because the person is broken, faulty, or abnormal. The situation needs to be changed -- not the person.

...another pp, feeling this way and acting on it are quite different. I don't know if others face this, but my DC has ADHD and he's a pre-teen. Sometimes things will be rolling along fine, then he will get upset over something like "you need to do your homework, or stop playing video games" and suddenly (and I mean on a dime) he will do something really unacceptable. Throw a remote control, start screaming at me, flatly refuse to comply...maybe the remote control throwing will leave a ding in the drywall. A few weeks ago, he actually slapped me in the face. The screaming might go on longer than the homework that I have to get him through and I just hit my wit's end because I'm tired too.
It's the situations where there isn't any build up that are the worst because I'm more in danger of acting on conditioning than to have the calm moment--and I was hit and criticized *a lot* as a child. Thank goodness I know this and can switch it to what I call "robot mode." I've also had to leave the room, I've dug my fingernails into my palms to the point of drawing blood, I make deals with myself that I won't raise my voice and that I will be thoughtful with my words--but it is very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad in that article was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting.

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage. I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him. That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids. (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.) Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society - I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back. I will only vote for candidates that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits, paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc. Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.

I was actually going to start a separate thread about this topic (though I'm not divorced or considering it). Yes, in today's society that's built around nuclear families with dual-incomes, mom's get saddled with everything most of the time (I know there are exceptions). And we're supposed to love it and feel guilty about working instead of frustrated with the domestic duties we never really had as kids.

It's hard to be fun when you're exhausted all the time...and when a fun "family" outing often results in your getting the kids ready and then coralling them throughout the outing while their dad just gets to enjoy the kids' joy.

Since this is the SN forum, I'll also share that DS has SN (though they have turned out to be much milder than the original dx suggested...or rather on the mild end of the range of what it could have been). For the first year, finding and coordinating the right therapies and specialists was like a second job. And, in many ways, I think the early interventions might be part of why he didn't end up with more delays. But DH was so devastated at the initial news that he was paralyzed...and now he likes to act like I just overblew everything and all of the therapies etc were unnecessary. You simply can't win...either your work is essential and doesn't need acknowledging since it's your job as a mother, or your work is unnecessary and the result of silly "women" priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Since this is the SN forum, I'll also share that DS has SN (though they have turned out to be much milder than the original dx suggested...or rather on the mild end of the range of what it could have been). For the first year, finding and coordinating the right therapies and specialists was like a second job. And, in many ways, I think the early interventions might be part of why he didn't end up with more delays. But DH was so devastated at the initial news that he was paralyzed...and now he likes to act like I just overblew everything and all of the therapies etc were unnecessary. You simply can't win...either your work is essential and doesn't need acknowledging since it's your job as a mother, or your work is unnecessary and the result of silly "women" priorities.

I'm feeling rage on your behalf just reading this! All that work that helped your DS, and DH treats it as unnecessary now that it achieved what it was supposed to. Here, here for having your son's back and helping him accomplish so much!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this. Early in my SN parent journey I went to therapy and it really helped.

But now as perimenopause hits I am scared by the sudden rage I can feel. I have never had PMS so I don’t have good coping skills. Drinking wine and eating chocolate aren’t doing it for me. So back to therapy for me and I need to work on self-care.