Reply to What do you do when none of the men you met want a "serious relationship"?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]Is she asking your advice?  Doesn't seem like it.[/b]

If she wants a serious relationship she'll find guys who do.  There are plenty out there, especially at her age.  In all honesty I am much more concerned about my relatives who "met the one" in their teens (a cousin is getting married this week in the summer before her senior year at college to the only boyfriend she's ever had) than someone who dates casually through their twenties.

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My advice? No because I obviously have none. But she was definitely venting that she'll meet a great guy who has a lot going for him and who wants to hang out in a way that I would have qualified as boyfriend/girlfriend. But he doesn't want to be "exclusive" (even if they are spending all their time together so they are exclusive - he just doesn't want to close out the possibility of meeting someone even better) and he doesn't want to mislead her that it might lead to marriage because he won't be ready to settle down for years yet.

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To add to this, she says it's frustrating because this is all the great men she and her friends meet. Her friends will try to make something of this type of arrangement ("cool girl" syndrome she called it) and it almost never works.

What I'm saying is, it must be soooo frustrating because[b] it's like the men have all the power in this scenario[/b] because they are withholding. [/quote]

If she really wants a serious relationship but she's sleeping with people before a commitment and willing to keep sleeping with them when they explain they don't want a commitment, then sure they have all the power.  But only because she's giving it to them.  If she wants to sleep with this particular guy more than she wants to keep looking for a guy who wants the same thing she does, then she's prioritizing that guy over her end goal.  That's fine, but after a frank conversation where you learn one party is not interested in commitment it's no longer their problem if you stay focused on them.

In my dating days I found guys wanted to settle down a lot faster than I did, not the opposite.  [/quote]

NP. This advice is totally outdated. If she didn't sleep with these guys, she wouldn't ever have sex. A good looking guy in Brooklyn (where women outnumber men anyway) knows he can get a different girl every night if he wants. No one "waits" anymore.[/quote]

No, it was really good advice.  If OP's SIL wastes her time and emotional energy on guys who are uninterested in a relationship (as a matter of principle,  not even based on her!) then she'll never settle down.  That's really f-ed up that you think women must have sex all the time then wait like a dog under the table for a man who will commit.  I mean really, wtf.

If the SIL just wants to get laid -- sure, go do that.  But having sex with men who don't want to be in a relationship with her is just crap advice.  Nobody is saying she has to withhold sex forever -- just, don't have sex with guys who aren't into a relationship with you (unless it's just for that one night, and you're clear on what you want.)

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I suspect it's a birds of a feather thing.  When a woman repeatedly winds up hooking up with guys who are just not that into her, she is probably not all that into them, either.  
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