Stuck in house with conservative in laws- help me keep my cool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People like OP are why Trump won.

Lol. Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’d be more worried about your kids’ exposure to YOUR intolerant views than his. Let them hang out with their grandfather; they can use the balance.

Yeah, because everyone needs a dose of racism and bigotry for balance.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Tried to stay at hotel but 13 years of precedent make that difficult. It would be an obvious snub. We do have a car. Can I really just leave from 3pm thru bedtime? Prob not. FIL is quite old, stubborn, hard of hearing (refuses hearing aid), and there is no way even with my strong personality I would do anything other than add fuel to the fire.

I like the Stephen Colbert idea! Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.

Wow to being happy his old age will take him out soon. He's your father-in-law.

Yeah, she's wishing her husband's dad would die. That actually is pretty evil.

Did you read how I said t made me feel bad? Are you saying you’ve never had dark thoughts? Sorry forgot this is he rabid dog board and the Nazi apologists seem to have found this thread. Ciao.

The irony is that you think that you're a better person than he is.

where did she say that?

His opinions are so abhorrent to her that she finds herself wishing him dead.....I'd say she doesn't think too much of him, wouldn't you? I'm sure she not as fun to be around as she thinks she is.

Nope.

“Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.”

Big difference between reminding herself his time here is short (nowhere did she “wish” for it as you’re trying to spin) and wanting it.

Don't ignore the fact that she is tsking comfort in the fact that he will be gone soon. She has some serious issues and should turn off MSNBC if she is this triggered. Not saying that the father-in-law should not turn off Fox as well but we have no idea if he is looking forward to OP's death or not.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Tried to stay at hotel but 13 years of precedent make that difficult. It would be an obvious snub. We do have a car. Can I really just leave from 3pm thru bedtime? Prob not. FIL is quite old, stubborn, hard of hearing (refuses hearing aid), and there is no way even with my strong personality I would do anything other than add fuel to the fire.

I like the Stephen Colbert idea! Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.

Wow to being happy his old age will take him out soon. He's your father-in-law.

Yeah, she's wishing her husband's dad would die. That actually is pretty evil.

Did you read how I said t made me feel bad? Are you saying you’ve never had dark thoughts? Sorry forgot this is he rabid dog board and the Nazi apologists seem to have found this thread. Ciao.

The irony is that you think that you're a better person than he is.

where did she say that?

His opinions are so abhorrent to her that she finds herself wishing him dead.....I'd say she doesn't think too much of him, wouldn't you? I'm sure she not as fun to be around as she thinks she is.

Nope.

“Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.”

Big difference between reminding herself his time here is short (nowhere did she “wish” for it as you’re trying to spin) and wanting it.

Don't ignore the fact that she is tsking comfort in the fact that he will be gone soon. She has some serious issues and should turn off MSNBC if she is this triggered. Not saying that the father-in-law should not turn off Fox as well but we have no idea if he is looking forward to OP's death or not.

Adding that she should be able to still separate the man who is 1/4th of her kid's dna from his Fox News views. Sad that the end of his life for her will be about his politics and not the family he raised.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Tried to stay at hotel but 13 years of precedent make that difficult. It would be an obvious snub. We do have a car. Can I really just leave from 3pm thru bedtime? Prob not. FIL is quite old, stubborn, hard of hearing (refuses hearing aid), and there is no way even with my strong personality I would do anything other than add fuel to the fire.

I like the Stephen Colbert idea! Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.

Wow to being happy his old age will take him out soon. He's your father-in-law.

Yeah, she's wishing her husband's dad would die. That actually is pretty evil.

Did you read how I said t made me feel bad? Are you saying you’ve never had dark thoughts? Sorry forgot this is he rabid dog board and the Nazi apologists seem to have found this thread. Ciao.

The irony is that you think that you're a better person than he is.

where did she say that?

His opinions are so abhorrent to her that she finds herself wishing him dead.....I'd say she doesn't think too much of him, wouldn't you? I'm sure she not as fun to be around as she thinks she is.

Nope.

“Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.”

Big difference between reminding herself his time here is short (nowhere did she “wish” for it as you’re trying to spin) and wanting it.

Don't ignore the fact that she is tsking comfort in the fact that he will be gone soon. She has some serious issues and should turn off MSNBC if she is this triggered. Not saying that the father-in-law should not turn off Fox as well but we have no idea if he is looking forward to OP's death or not.

Adding that she should be able to still separate the man who is 1/4th of her kid's dna from his Fox News views. Sad that the end of his life for her will be about his politics and not the family he raised.

Grandpa brought that upon himself. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn’t this be in the political forum?

[Anonymous]

No one is more intolerant than a Democrat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is more intolerant than a Democrat.

No one is a bigger snowflake than a Trumpster who is called out for their abhorrent views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the people saying I should stay. Sure, no prob for me to let my kids listen to talk about how black people are lazy, women should fulfill their womanly duties, and other garbage like that. DH pushes back but as I said, FIL is hard of hearing and just gets going like a freight train and doesnt allow any back and forth. Am just leaving from now on. Have developed a code word for my kids so I don’t have to say “come, children, grandpa’s being an ignorant dick.” My kids are too young for this to be much of a learning experience. DH knows his parents have very little time left so I’m having a hard time expressing how I’ve lost all respect for them. It hasn’t always been like this, just the last 4 years or so.

Finally a mention of what DH does or doesn't do. It sounds like his parents are very elderly and/or there are health issues that mean he truly knows they have limited time left. Plus he knows that pushing back too hard will only turn into higher-volume lecturing.

And the fact that the rants are really a fairly recent thing is a HUGE red flag, OP. Changes late in life usually are. I'm not defending the political beliefs themselves but I wonder if you've known many elderly adults. They can become really entrenched, even exaggerated, in their beliefs and their expression. It can even be a sign of dementia or just crankiness but whatever's going on, it's a change in old age and not necessarily a reflection of the person you used to know. Can you back away from your focus on the (admittedly nauseating) content and realize that the behavior itself may be a sign of his decline?

I'm NOT saying you have to suck it up and play nice. But you can be the adult who realizes that FIL is old, is on the way out, has changed probably due to age, and your DH may care for FIL enough not to want the remaining time to be full of dramatic debates and departures. So focus on DH, not FIL. Take the kids to the movies, the park, a pool, a local library or bookstore, whatever, and tell DH you want to give him time with his dad when DH does not have to have the added concern of knowing you're there stewing about FIL's lectures. Tell DH that you realize the loud diatribes are a change in his dad's behavior and acknowledge how hard that must be on DH to see that alteration (because it IS hard on the adult child). Ask DH what you can do on visits that works best to help DH.

And yeah, keep a book nearby at all times as a PP says. Find chores to do that take you out of the room. Don't ever engage. Calling out grandad is not necessarily going to do anything at all. Help DH figure out something he can do with FIL, if health allows, that will focus them both on the activity and not on talking or TV news.

[Anonymous]

Do not engage. Just take your kids and go do something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the people saying I should stay. Sure, no prob for me to let my kids listen to talk about how black people are lazy, women should fulfill their womanly duties, and other garbage like that. DH pushes back but as I said, FIL is hard of hearing and just gets going like a freight train and doesnt allow any back and forth. Am just leaving from now on. Have developed a code word for my kids so I don’t have to say “come, children, grandpa’s being an ignorant dick.” My kids are too young for this to be much of a learning experience. DH knows his parents have very little time left so I’m having a hard time expressing how I’ve lost all respect for them. It hasn’t always been like this, just the last 4 years or so.

I’m confused OP because what you wrote in your original rant about your FIL isn’t what you wrote here. This stuff is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I love the people saying I should stay. Sure, no prob for me to let my kids listen to talk about how black people are lazy, women should fulfill their womanly duties, and other garbage like that. DH pushes back but as I said, FIL is hard of hearing and just gets going like a freight train and doesnt allow any back and forth. Am just leaving from now on. Have developed a code word for my kids so I don’t have to say “come, children, grandpa’s being an ignorant dick.” My kids are too young for this to be much of a learning experience. DH knows his parents have very little time left so I’m having a hard time expressing how I’ve lost all respect for them. It hasn’t always been like this, just the last 4 years or so.

I’m confused OP because what you wrote in your original rant about your FIL isn’t what you wrote here. This stuff is disgusting.

Typical DCUM post about anything. Whenever OP doesn't get the validation that they want, they change their story with all of these extra details that if they were true would have been in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I obv don’t know the history between you and your in-laws but let me play devil’s advocate for a bit.

The examples you listed aren’t racist. His opinion that rich people shouldn’t pay for poor people to go to college has some merits. Perhaps you could talk about parameters for college for those who can’t afford it. Maybe a required stem major so that kids aren’t graduating with degrees that they can’t find employment and $$$ in loans?

As for the presidential remark, I’m of the opinion that you salute the office, not the man (or woman). So, yes, you shouldn’t disrespect the president whatever his/her name may be.

Northerners (and southerners) do want to tear down confederate statues. There are some who believe that they are a tribute to America’s darkest time. There are others who think that removing them is an attempt to erase history without holding those accountable. I’m not comfortable personally with confederate statues but I see that it’s a slippery slope (will we eventually burn Mt Vernon to the ground due to its slave past?).

Bottom line is that your FIL has opinions and, while he may in fact be an awful person, nothing you mentioned above tells me that. He has strong opinions. Share yours and back them up with facts because feelings aren’t facts. You may be surprised that he may be more flexible than you thought.

Devil's advocate = he's right and here's why. Disregard this person, OP.

Flexibility goes both ways. And people who are so in your face about politics and religion are often the least flexible. There is no point in engaging (esp when the remarks likely to come back to OP are like the ones in this post, which aren't "facts" but opinion.) So, do not engage.

You simply state "Well, not everyone agrees on that point. But, I don't really feel that it would be productive to argue about it. Let's just enjoy the time together by (going to the park or whatever." If he keeps on, "LIke I said, I'm not discussing it." Keep repeating. If he still doesn't get the hint, you say "Bill, I have repeatedly said I don't wish to discuss politics/issues. I don't want to argue or ruin the trip by fighting. If you want to, then I'll go for a walk/take the kids or ice cream or whatever." Then, do not engage.

It's "his house" but you are not forced to endure his diatribes. And, if he cannot be respectful, I'd think seriously about limiting trips there or, if you have to go, filling the schedule with activities so you don't have to deal with it.

My FIL is like you describe. And he's finally learned to just zip it. He starts, and I just get up and leave the room now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the people saying I should stay. Sure, no prob for me to let my kids listen to talk about how black people are lazy, women should fulfill their womanly duties, and other garbage like that. DH pushes back but as I said, FIL is hard of hearing and just gets going like a freight train and doesnt allow any back and forth. Am just leaving from now on. Have developed a code word for my kids so I don’t have to say “come, children, grandpa’s being an ignorant dick.” My kids are too young for this to be much of a learning experience. DH knows his parents have very little time left so I’m having a hard time expressing how I’ve lost all respect for them. It hasn’t always been like this, just the last 4 years or so.

I’m confused OP because what you wrote in your original rant about your FIL isn’t what you wrote here. This stuff is disgusting.

Typical DCUM post about anything. Whenever OP doesn't get the validation that they want, they change their story with all of these extra details that if they were true would have been in the OP.

Alternatively, they choose not to give all the facts in the OP for some reason (trying not to give too much away, for eg). It's a post on a message board. Not a dissertation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I obv don’t know the history between you and your in-laws but let me play devil’s advocate for a bit.

The examples you listed aren’t racist. His opinion that rich people shouldn’t pay for poor people to go to college has some merits. Perhaps you could talk about parameters for college for those who can’t afford it. Maybe a required stem major so that kids aren’t graduating with degrees that they can’t find employment and $$$ in loans?

As for the presidential remark, I’m of the opinion that you salute the office, not the man (or woman). So, yes, you shouldn’t disrespect the president whatever his/her name may be.

Northerners (and southerners) do want to tear down confederate statues. There are some who believe that they are a tribute to America’s darkest time. There are others who think that removing them is an attempt to erase history without holding those accountable. I’m not comfortable personally with confederate statues but I see that it’s a slippery slope (will we eventually burn Mt Vernon to the ground due to its slave past?).

Bottom line is that your FIL has opinions and, while he may in fact be an awful person, nothing you mentioned above tells me that. He has strong opinions. Share yours and back them up with facts because feelings aren’t facts. You may be surprised that he may be more flexible than you thought.

This. And it's his house.

She's trying NOT to engage or start a fight with him. You can control that but you can't control how comments like this make you feel. So you guys are both essentially providing useless information/advice.