Stuck in house with conservative in laws- help me keep my cool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I obv don’t know the history between you and your in-laws but let me play devil’s advocate for a bit.

The examples you listed aren’t racist. His opinion that rich people shouldn’t pay for poor people to go to college has some merits. Perhaps you could talk about parameters for college for those who can’t afford it. Maybe a required stem major so that kids aren’t graduating with degrees that they can’t find employment and $$$ in loans?

As for the presidential remark, I’m of the opinion that you salute the office, not the man (or woman). So, yes, you shouldn’t disrespect the president whatever his/her name may be.

Northerners (and southerners) do want to tear down confederate statues. There are some who believe that they are a tribute to America’s darkest time. There are others who think that removing them is an attempt to erase history without holding those accountable. I’m not comfortable personally with confederate statues but I see that it’s a slippery slope (will we eventually burn Mt Vernon to the ground due to its slave past?).

Bottom line is that your FIL has opinions and, while he may in fact be an awful person, nothing you mentioned above tells me that. He has strong opinions. Share yours and back them up with facts because feelings aren’t facts. You may be surprised that he may be more flexible than you thought.

This. And it's his house.

She's trying NOT to engage or start a fight with him. You can control that but you can't control how comments like this make you feel. So you guys are both essentially providing useless information/advice.

Part of being a functional grown up is understanding that other people may have different views than you do. It's called life.

[Anonymous]

Op, you say you can't stay in a hotel because it would be "a snub" --- your resentment and how *that* affects you and everyone is far worse.

[Anonymous]

OP I started playing ukelele. It's easy. When someone starts in on politics, I go into another room and start strumming. No one can argue with you when you are playing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get it. My FIL is a hard right Fox News fanatic who is getting more and more rigid in his beliefs as he ages. To make matters worse, I’m from Portland, OR and I guess Fox News uses my hometown as some sort of example of “crazy liberals.” Anyway, my advice: do not engage! We only see him a couple times a year. The only time I have confronted him about his nonsense is when it’s been dangerous (lock your damn guns up when my kids are in the house), morally repugnant (I know this is perhaps a sliding scale in the case of FIL, but the WWII memorabilia that turned out to be a nazi hat was a clear nope) or racist (he does a lot of coded stuff). He gives the grandkids gifts of Rush Limbaugh books and stupid stuff like that and I just file it in the trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I obv don’t know the history between you and your in-laws but let me play devil’s advocate for a bit.

The examples you listed aren’t racist. His opinion that rich people shouldn’t pay for poor people to go to college has some merits. Perhaps you could talk about parameters for college for those who can’t afford it. Maybe a required stem major so that kids aren’t graduating with degrees that they can’t find employment and $$$ in loans?

As for the presidential remark, I’m of the opinion that you salute the office, not the man (or woman). So, yes, you shouldn’t disrespect the president whatever his/her name may be.

Northerners (and southerners) do want to tear down confederate statues. There are some who believe that they are a tribute to America’s darkest time. There are others who think that removing them is an attempt to erase history without holding those accountable. I’m not comfortable personally with confederate statues but I see that it’s a slippery slope (will we eventually burn Mt Vernon to the ground due to its slave past?).

Bottom line is that your FIL has opinions and, while he may in fact be an awful person, nothing you mentioned above tells me that. He has strong opinions. Share yours and back them up with facts because feelings aren’t facts. You may be surprised that he may be more flexible than you thought.

Devil's advocate = he's right and here's why. Disregard this person, OP.

Flexibility goes both ways. And people who are so in your face about politics and religion are often the least flexible. There is no point in engaging (esp when the remarks likely to come back to OP are like the ones in this post, which aren't "facts" but opinion.) So, do not engage.

You simply state "Well, not everyone agrees on that point. But, I don't really feel that it would be productive to argue about it. Let's just enjoy the time together by (going to the park or whatever." If he keeps on, "LIke I said, I'm not discussing it." Keep repeating. If he still doesn't get the hint, you say "Bill, I have repeatedly said I don't wish to discuss politics/issues. I don't want to argue or ruin the trip by fighting. If you want to, then I'll go for a walk/take the kids or ice cream or whatever." Then, do not engage.

It's "his house" but you are not forced to endure his diatribes. And, if he cannot be respectful, I'd think seriously about limiting trips there or, if you have to go, filling the schedule with activities so you don't have to deal with it.

My FIL is like you describe. And he's finally learned to just zip it. He starts, and I just get up and leave the room now.

I wouldn’t even engage this much. I would either just change the subject or excuse myself with a need to do something in another room, or even better, outside.

I have an elderly relative right now who is acting like this and I just say, huh, and move on to a different topic. My relative has been affected by the extreme views of another, younger, relative who is “educating” him about what they think he should believe. I just let him get to the end of his sentence when he starts spouting these extreme views and begin talking about a completely different subject. Generally, I can’t go wrong with some cute story about the kids and that gets him away from the crazy talk.

Good luck, OP. I hope you can get through this without having to look back and regret arguing with an elderly man and worry about hurting his feelings. You don’t want that to possibly be one of the last interactions you have with your children’s grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I started playing ukelele. It's easy. When someone starts in on politics, I go into another room and start strumming. No one can argue with you when you are playing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

LOL!

(Although my know-it-all FIL would you then start pontificating about music and whatever instruments he can or cannot play.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would leave the room each and every time. For the sake of your children, you should stay in a hotel going forward.

+1

Or just skip the visits completely. No one needs that kind of crap in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People like OP are why Trump won.

Uh, no. Trump won because there were 75k extra amoral a-holes in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania who wanted to put a POS into the White House.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I obv don’t know the history between you and your in-laws but let me play devil’s advocate for a bit.

The examples you listed aren’t racist. His opinion that rich people shouldn’t pay for poor people to go to college has some merits. Perhaps you could talk about parameters for college for those who can’t afford it. Maybe a required stem major so that kids aren’t graduating with degrees that they can’t find employment and $$$ in loans?

As for the presidential remark, I’m of the opinion that you salute the office, not the man (or woman). So, yes, you shouldn’t disrespect the president whatever his/her name may be.

Northerners (and southerners) do want to tear down confederate statues. There are some who believe that they are a tribute to America’s darkest time. There are others who think that removing them is an attempt to erase history without holding those accountable. I’m not comfortable personally with confederate statues but I see that it’s a slippery slope (will we eventually burn Mt Vernon to the ground due to its slave past?).

Bottom line is that your FIL has opinions and, while he may in fact be an awful person, nothing you mentioned above tells me that. He has strong opinions. Share yours and back them up with facts because feelings aren’t facts. You may be surprised that he may be more flexible than you thought.

This. And it's his house.

She's trying NOT to engage or start a fight with him. You can control that but you can't control how comments like this make you feel. So you guys are both essentially providing useless information/advice.

Part of being a functional grown up is understanding that other people may have different views than you do. It's called life.

Right, so she's going into the garage and venting on DCUM instead of chewing out her ILs or marching to a hotel. That seems like the adult way to handle it. Sorry but just because you're an adult doesn't mean you're protected from thinking your opinions are reprehensible.

[Anonymous]

If this is an inlaw, don't insist on a hotel if your spouse won't back you up (that's a whole other issue best dealt with separately with your spouse). Use the code you've developed with your kids and go do literally ANYthing else somewhere else. Let your spouse deal with his parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People like OP are why Trump won.

Uh, no. Trump won because there were 75k extra amoral a-holes in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania who wanted to put a POS into the White House.

They're amoral because they hate the hypocritical intolerance of people like OP? No, they're just fed (that's FED up - not F'ED) up. And don't kid yourself, their population is growing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People like OP are why Trump won.

Uh, no. Trump won because there were 75k extra amoral a-holes in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania who wanted to put a POS into the White House.

They're amoral because they hate the hypocritical intolerance of people like OP? No, they're just fed (that's FED up - not F'ED) up. And don't kid yourself, their population is growing.

No, they're amoral because they support lies and corruption.

LOL. Why do you think "their population" is GROWING?

[Anonymous]

Why are liberals so intolerant? "Don't agree with me? The SHUT UP!"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Tried to stay at hotel but 13 years of precedent make that difficult. It would be an obvious snub. We do have a car. Can I really just leave from 3pm thru bedtime? Prob not. FIL is quite old, stubborn, hard of hearing (refuses hearing aid), and there is no way even with my strong personality I would do anything other than add fuel to the fire.

I like the Stephen Colbert idea! Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.

Wow to being happy his old age will take him out soon. He's your father-in-law.

Yeah, she's wishing her husband's dad would die. That actually is pretty evil.

Did you read how I said t made me feel bad? Are you saying you’ve never had dark thoughts? Sorry forgot this is he rabid dog board and the Nazi apologists seem to have found this thread. Ciao.

The irony is that you think that you're a better person than he is.

where did she say that?

His opinions are so abhorrent to her that she finds herself wishing him dead.....I'd say she doesn't think too much of him, wouldn't you? I'm sure she not as fun to be around as she thinks she is.

Nope.

“Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.”

Big difference between reminding herself his time here is short (nowhere did she “wish” for it as you’re trying to spin) and wanting it.

Don't ignore the fact that she is tsking comfort in the fact that he will be gone soon. She has some serious issues and should turn off MSNBC if she is this triggered. Not saying that the father-in-law should not turn off Fox as well but we have no idea if he is looking forward to OP's death or not.

Adding that she should be able to still separate the man who is 1/4th of her kid's dna from his Fox News views. Sad that the end of his life for her will be about his politics and not the family he raised.

Grandpa brought that upon himself. You reap what you sow.

Really?? You know people's cognitive skills decline in older age . . . Also all of these networks are baiting ones. I do judge OP for such a strong reactions, looking forward to her father in law's demise to her being unable to separate the two. I would say he reaped what he sowed if he actually is using the n word, not hiring people based on race, actively joining a white supremacist group. Parroting views from a news station created to evoke strong reactions and loyalty among a specific demographic is not something I would hold against my husband's father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are liberals so intolerant? "Don't agree with me? The SHUT UP!"

Why do you think we should listen to your lies and hatred?