Stuck in house with conservative in laws- help me keep my cool

[Anonymous]

Where is your DH during these lectures?

What does DH do or say?

Was it FIL or DH who thinks that years of oreced not mean you cannot stay in a hotel?

In other words--DH's family is HIS issue to handle if someone in his family is obnoxious to you, his wife, or sets a poor example for his and your children. Yet your posts don't mention DH at all. Not once. Why? Unless you're visiting FIL on your own, which I doubt as you don't want to be there--why no mention of DH? He should be running interference with his dad if he's really the one who is there to visit FIL. DH should be giving you the out of "taking the kids to the park while dad and I watch the game" or whatever. If FIL is really offensive it's DH's role to call him out, or ignore and change topics, or leave. Just as that would be your role if your own parent were the issue, OP.

So...where is DH in all this? Or does he not know how much visiting there bugs you? Why is he nonexistent in the posts?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, Op, you sound a bit intolerant. Your FIL is allowed to have his own opinions in his own house. As long as he was expressing himself appropriately (not using vulgarities, racial slurs, etc) then he was doing nothing wrong.

He's just as entitled to his opinion as you are.

[Anonymous]

You seem intolerant OP. FIL doesn’t have a right to his opinion? Only yours counts ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I obv don’t know the history between you and your in-laws but let me play devil’s advocate for a bit.

The examples you listed aren’t racist. His opinion that rich people shouldn’t pay for poor people to go to college has some merits. Perhaps you could talk about parameters for college for those who can’t afford it. Maybe a required stem major so that kids aren’t graduating with degrees that they can’t find employment and $$$ in loans?

As for the presidential remark, I’m of the opinion that you salute the office, not the man (or woman). So, yes, you shouldn’t disrespect the president whatever his/her name may be.

Northerners (and southerners) do want to tear down confederate statues. There are some who believe that they are a tribute to America’s darkest time. There are others who think that removing them is an attempt to erase history without holding those accountable. I’m not comfortable personally with confederate statues but I see that it’s a slippery slope (will we eventually burn Mt Vernon to the ground due to its slave past?).

Bottom line is that your FIL has opinions and, while he may in fact be an awful person, nothing you mentioned above tells me that. He has strong opinions. Share yours and back them up with facts because feelings aren’t facts. You may be surprised that he may be more flexible than you thought.

The president is a literal traitor who disrespects women, nonwhites, immigrants, anyone who’s views differ from his, his country and human decency. Nobody owes that monster an ounce of respect. That’s not a biased opinion. It’s fact.

The president is not a literal traitor and those Americans you mention have benefited greatly from his policies. There is a growing movement of American minorities who are tired of drinking the left wing kool-aid. You are going to have to come up with more than just name calling and throwing around feelings as facts. I suggested a way that OP could engage her FIL in some civilized conversation but it doesn’t sound like she’s interested in doing that OR she’s tried with no success. I’m not sure if OP implied that her in-laws are helping them financially but if they are, perhaps she should rethink taking money from someone who is as “close minded” as her FIL.

[Anonymous]

One more thing... you mention that your FIL is an immigrant himself and has become successful. Think about it OP. Did he have any help? Of course he’s of the opinion that people should make it on their own. He’s not wrong!

Why is your opinion more relevant than his? As a first generation immigrant, isn’t his view on America and confederate monuments something to consider? Is he part of a privileged class just because he’s wealthy? Because he’s apolitically conservative?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my FIL (and most of the rest of my ILs too, actually).

I sympathize but honestly: it is his house, he is entitled to his opinion, and (if he is anything like my FIL) he wants to pontificate and isn’t looking for discussion. I echo previous posters...you have two options (1) avoid discussion- play with the kids and/or take them out for awhile, busy yourself in the kitchen etc or (2) limit the time spent around him, to some degree (hotel, shorter visits). I do both, to various degrees.

If your DH is anything like mine, he won’t “handle” this. In his defense: it would be pointless when the behavior is as ingrained as it is. The family is used to it and certainly are not going to change or ask FIL to change for your sake. Why would they?

We stay at a hotel when we see ILS (DH agrees with me on that one- not because Of politics but because of comfort etc). I avoid these convos when I am there and distract myself with the kids- DH is fine with that.

That is all you can do! Any other route will just lead to trouble and drama that you do not need.

[Anonymous]

You do not sound very smart. Way too emotional and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tried to stay at hotel but 13 years of precedent make that difficult. It would be an obvious snub. We do have a car. Can I really just leave from 3pm thru bedtime? Prob not. FIL is quite old, stubborn, hard of hearing (refuses hearing aid), and there is no way even with my strong personality I would do anything other than add fuel to the fire.

I like the Stephen Colbert idea! Sadly, I’ve just been thinking “your vote doesn’t count” (liberal state) and “you’ll be gone soon Anyway” which makes me feel evil.

Wow to being happy his old age will take him out soon. He's your father-in-law.

[Anonymous]

But what makes him wrong and you right? You just can’t except someone else’s opinion.

[Anonymous]

#sounds like performative wokeness but ok

[Anonymous]

OP, that sounds miserable. I have a similar challenge with my FIL, and it’s gotten worse over time as I now get annoyed in advance about being talked at. I don’t have advice — I wish I did! — but you have my sympathies. It’s stressful trying to be a good guest in a setting where you feel trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem intolerant OP. FIL doesn’t have a right to his opinion? Only yours counts ?

This x1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem intolerant OP. FIL doesn’t have a right to his opinion? Only yours counts ?

This. Op, this reminds me of the saying about liberal democrats - they claim to embrace diverse opinions, except those that are contrary to theirs.

I write that as a liberal Democrat from a family of very Republican men. When they go on, I engage in the conversation and counter with facts. Yes, there are times when I say ‘we are simply going to have to agree to disagree.’

Open your mind a bit.

[Anonymous]

Pretend you’re in college and the professor is off on a rant: did you get up in walk out of the room in a huff? Did you withdraw from the class? Did you make some absurd comment about the dog starting a fire? Whatever you did then, do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem intolerant OP. FIL doesn’t have a right to his opinion? Only yours counts ?

This. Op, this reminds me of the saying about liberal democrats - they claim to embrace diverse opinions, except those that are contrary to theirs.

I write that as a liberal Democrat from a family of very Republican men. When they go on, I engage in the conversation and counter with facts. Yes, there are times when I say ‘we are simply going to have to agree to disagree.’

Open your mind a bit.

This is the weirdest conservative talking point I’ve ever heard. Tolerance doesn’t mean you embrace bigotry. It never has and never will.