If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?

[Anonymous]

I think marriages can be saved after an affair but since you don't love him and don't want to have sex with him, there isn't really a foundation to work from. I think in this case, you are both better to move on and find more compatible partners. You should both be in a marriage that has love and sex and that isn't this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re being attached here. What a terrible time this must be for you. I can only speak from my experience.

I gave my marriage a year after discovering cheating to see how my XH handled the aftermath. He was remorseful etc for maybe a month. Then a lot of underlying relationship issues came back, counseling was a disaster, and nothing had changed for the better. I made an honest effort, and I imagine some marriages could recover, but mine didn’t.

Take very good care of yourself at this time. Grieve. There may be a way forward together, but there’s no going back to what you had. I suggest hot baths, exercise, crying, journaling, therapy, wine, and girlfriends to talk to, not necessarily in that order. Big hugs.

Great advice!

[Anonymous]

You feel betrayed but you say you don’t love him. He’s a cad but based on your attitude you were headed for divorce even before his affair. Now this will make it happen. His affair may be a good thing because it will speed up the end of a marriage that was heading that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the insensitivity displayed by some of these responders is mind boggling and I don't know what to make of the decline in human empathy on this board.I have been where you are. My husband had an emotional affair about a year and a half ago. It devastated me. We have built a life together and love each other. He too showed remorse and we worked through it. It was deeply painful process but it can happen. Get support, professional if possible You can be rebuild together. Sending you my best.

NP. The only way it can work is with plenty of remorse on the part of the cheater, willingness by both parties to really work on the relationship, and time. Lots and lots of time.

It took a long time for me to be forgive and trust my DH again. But he appeared remorseful and continued to be remorseful. He faithfully went to therapy with me and did everything the therapist suggested he do. He demonstrated again and again that he was sorry for what he'd done and that he wanted to stay married to me. It was hard and it took a long time, but eventually I came to believe that we had a better marriage than we had had before.

It's been 25 years since DH told me he was having an affair, and I can say completely honestly that I do not believe he has ever cheated or come close to cheating again. No regrets.

Ultimately, I think you need to be able to see him as a good person who did a bad thing. If you can't see him this way--because he does a lot of bad things, or because he doesn't appear to be sorry for what he's done to you and your relationship, or because you don't see cheating as something that a good person can do, so the fact that he cheated means he *isn't* a good person--then I think the chances that you can forgive and rebuild your relationship into something that is fulfilling and satisfying for you are small.

We're twelve years out from DH's affair. I'm not going to lie, it was really, really hard. But ultimately it has been worth it. DH worked very hard on himself and the relationship, and I worked equally as hard. Some motivations: I did not want to be a part time mom to my kids. That is, I didn't want to not be present in their lives 24/7. The thought of not being with them when they went on vacation, or on holidays or just every day after school was frankly enough to keep me motivated. It was also crucially important that DH understood the magnitude of his actions and was remoreseful. It was also important that I recognize my role in our relationship and how it worked and didn't work, and we were both willing to change.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Time. The knowledge that his issues are not a reflection of me or even our relationship but him. Hearing terrible divorce stories of friends. Don't act wounded. Live your best life. Don't make a decision for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?

Deal with it or divorce.

Wants to keep family, finances together, so no divorce. And I’d say he dealt with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?

Deal with it or divorce.

Oh but he DID deal with it.... by finding sex elsewhere. Now it's her turn to deal with it. If OP does not want a normal sex life, the only way their marriage is saved is him continuing in his affair several times per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.

This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband has been cheating on me a few days ago. I'm still processing what happened as I am in shock that he did this to me. We have a toddler together and I'm trying to convince myself to stay together for her sake. He is showing remorse, accepts all responsibilities, and wants to work things out with me. We had a tough time in our marriage after having our baby. I fell out of love with him and our sex life was diminishing. He said he felt lonely. He feels shameful and embarrassed for what he did to me. If kids weren't involved, I don't think i could or would want to save our marriage. I feel sick to my stomach whenever i think about what he did. How can i ever trust him again? Our whole relationship was built on trust and now I've discovered he lied to me all these times. I want to forgive him because maybe now that everything is out on the table, we can rebuild our relationship. He promised to devote his all to being the best husband and father now and asked for one last chance to work things out...sigh. I feel so torn. I never thought that this would happen to me.

You might want to reflect on this. Doesn't sound like everything can be pinned on him.

[Anonymous]

I have never been in this situation, but I've read enough of these threads to notice a common theme.

Most people have extreme difficulty living in a state of uncertainty and will jump to a resolution of a situation as quickly as possible, just to get out of that in between state.

The people whose relationships have survived infidelity have, at a minimum, been able to find a way to live with the uncertainty for awhile. They don't jump ship immediately, and they don't just "forgive and forget" immediately either.

OP, are you the kind of person who can sit with a painful situation and let it play out, or do you have to get it all over with as soon as possible, just to be done with the crisis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.

This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?

This is like a middle school understanding of life and relationships. It sounds like this happened when OP was in the thick of parenting a newborn and infant -- it is SO NORMAL for couples to have a rocky period of time then, including a drop off in sex. The idea that her DH was justified at all in cheating is just crazy and wrong. If he felt the marriage was over, then his duty was to end it first. Cheating as a way to get out of the marriage makes it extremely hard to have the kind of separation needed to be effective coparents.

That said, if OP truly believes she has fallen out of love with her DH and did not want to be with him, then yeah, the advice is to split as quickly and calmly as possible, and think as little as possible about the affair. Trying to put the relationship back together if she is already done with it, AND he has cheated, seems insurmountable. In couples that do not divorce after affairs, I think they are still actively in love and the affair really was just a bad, impulsive and selfish decision, but they still have a strong foundation of love and affection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.

This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?

she didn't say she cut him off. she said their sex life "was diminishing." and this was while they had a newborn and infant. that's a completely normal pattern, and any man who would decide he was entitled to have an affair because he didn't prefer the frequency while his wife is caring for an infant is a complete and total cretin. Grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a long look at yourself to figure why you couldn't give him what he needed. Cheating isn't always the cheaters fault you know

-1

Absurd logic PP.

OP is the victim here.

Cheating kills relationships.
Period.

Why?
Because cheating includes:
•Betrayal
•Deception
•Lies
•Jealousy
•Anger
•Resentment
•Insecurity
•Depression

And sadly, once trust is damaged.....
It is near impossible to solidify it again.

You can glue a shattered plate back together however the cracks will always remain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.

This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?

she didn't say she cut him off. she said their sex life "was diminishing." and this was while they had a newborn and infant. that's a completely normal pattern, and any man who would decide he was entitled to have an affair because he didn't prefer the frequency while his wife is caring for an infant is a complete and total cretin. Grow up!

Toddler, not infant. What exactly does "diminishing" mean, though? Once a month? Once a quarter? Once a year? I mean, let's get real here. Normally the lower drive spouse will say they have it enough, they probably have it 1-2x/week, while the higher drive spouse feels as though they are not having it enough, and feel they are having it 1-2x/month. Right? Time goes fast and not having sex flies by til suddenly it's been years and your newborn is actually 3 years old now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.

This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?

she didn't say she cut him off. she said their sex life "was diminishing." and this was while they had a newborn and infant. that's a completely normal pattern, and any man who would decide he was entitled to have an affair because he didn't prefer the frequency while his wife is caring for an infant is a complete and total cretin. Grow up!

This. If he had been an involved husband and father, he wouldn't have had the time to be sneaking around with another woman or women. He wasn't holding up his end of the marriage and that is precisely why Op was feeling fed up with him - she was doing it all while he played around. He's out cheating on her while she was caring for their baby and having a hard time just getting a shower every day.