If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?

[Anonymous]

18:09 here -- also, I only told one friend, one whom I had supported through her awful divorce (her DH cheated too). I am not sorry I kept the situation to myself. People are really judgy and there's no reason, if you are even remotely contemplating staying, that you need to share the info. I get that it's isolating & unfair as you are not the person who cheated, but I am very glad I did this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?

This

I don’t get this. He should leave if he’s not happy. Not cheat. Seriously.

But she would have been devastated if he left her. This was better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re being attached here. What a terrible time this must be for you. I can only speak from my experience.

I gave my marriage a year after discovering cheating to see how my XH handled the aftermath. He was remorseful etc for maybe a month. Then a lot of underlying relationship issues came back, counseling was a disaster, and nothing had changed for the better. I made an honest effort, and I imagine some marriages could recover, but mine didn’t.

Take very good care of yourself at this time. Grieve. There may be a way forward together, but there’s no going back to what you had. I suggest hot baths, exercise, crying, journaling, therapy, wine, and girlfriends to talk to, not necessarily in that order. Big hugs.

I honestly think most cheaters aren't remorseful. Said as one who has cheated. Not remotely remorseful. And I got caught!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH lied to me. I never had proof positive nor did I sleuth like a PI, because I didn't want that kind of life. I caught him in it, we went to counseling, he had a 2nd round of lying. I stayed for my kids at first and gave myself the freedom to not get over it. I didn't forgive him for probably 2 years or more. But I have now. Only you can tell if he is a) remorseful and b) if your marriage had underlying issues that you need to resolve. Maybe those issues led to the (not appropriate, but perhaps forgivable) transgressions. DCUM crowd & wider culture doesn't support this type of forgiveness & will paint you as a doormat, your DH as a cheater for life. It's not their marriage. Only yours. I literally think of my forgiveness of my DH as something that is close to miraculous that I am grateful for. It took a really, really long time. I agree with PP who suggested baths, music, flowers, wine, whatever you need to take care of your needs. Make your DH step up more with your children so you get time for self-preservation/self-care. My therapist says that culturally we get this message that no one reconciles after affairs but that in her experience that's not the case behind closed doors. She says those shouting the loudest have usually not been in this situation. Hugs to you, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re being attached here. What a terrible time this must be for you. I can only speak from my experience.

I gave my marriage a year after discovering cheating to see how my XH handled the aftermath. He was remorseful etc for maybe a month. Then a lot of underlying relationship issues came back, counseling was a disaster, and nothing had changed for the better. I made an honest effort, and I imagine some marriages could recover, but mine didn’t.

Take very good care of yourself at this time. Grieve. There may be a way forward together, but there’s no going back to what you had. I suggest hot baths, exercise, crying, journaling, therapy, wine, and girlfriends to talk to, not necessarily in that order. Big hugs.

I honestly think most cheaters aren't remorseful. Said as one who has cheated. Not remotely remorseful. And I got caught!

I’m PP and I agree with you. It’s an act, a means to recreate the stable relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re being attached here. What a terrible time this must be for you. I can only speak from my experience.

I gave my marriage a year after discovering cheating to see how my XH handled the aftermath. He was remorseful etc for maybe a month. Then a lot of underlying relationship issues came back, counseling was a disaster, and nothing had changed for the better. I made an honest effort, and I imagine some marriages could recover, but mine didn’t.

Take very good care of yourself at this time. Grieve. There may be a way forward together, but there’s no going back to what you had. I suggest hot baths, exercise, crying, journaling, therapy, wine, and girlfriends to talk to, not necessarily in that order. Big hugs.

I honestly think most cheaters aren't remorseful. Said as one who has cheated. Not remotely remorseful. And I got caught!

Wouldn't it be better to get help instead of living this way?

At least stay single if you can't be cured.

[Anonymous]

You fell out of love with him. Are you still out of love with him? If so, then you two should negotiate an amicable divorce. You get one life; don't spend it with someone you don't love. Your marriage likely won't be healthy in any event, if you are keeping it intact only for your child.

[Anonymous]

I cheated and wasn’t at all remorseful but pretended to be. Not because I’m cold-hearted, but things aren’t black and white. Then add kids....(woman here)

[Anonymous]

I think you also need to examine yourself. You also walked away from your marriage after your baby was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you also need to examine yourself. You also walked away from your marriage after your baby was born.

Please. Or why DH didn’t provide co-parenting to the baby but rather “helped” once in awhile so OP was exhausted. He apparently had enough energy for an affair maybe he should have spent that energy caring for his baby.

[Anonymous]

OP the insensitivity displayed by some of these responders is mind boggling and I don't know what to make of the decline in human empathy on this board.I have been where you are. My husband had an emotional affair about a year and a half ago. It devastated me. We have built a life together and love each other. He too showed remorse and we worked through it. It was deeply painful process but it can happen. Get support, professional if possible You can be rebuild together. Sending you my best.

[Anonymous]

You recognize that your spouse is human, you forgive their human lapse, and then you set an expectation of open communication and above all respect for you going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the insensitivity displayed by some of these responders is mind boggling and I don't know what to make of the decline in human empathy on this board.I have been where you are. My husband had an emotional affair about a year and a half ago. It devastated me. We have built a life together and love each other. He too showed remorse and we worked through it. It was deeply painful process but it can happen. Get support, professional if possible You can be rebuild together. Sending you my best.

NP. The only way it can work is with plenty of remorse on the part of the cheater, willingness by both parties to really work on the relationship, and time. Lots and lots of time.

It took a long time for me to be forgive and trust my DH again. But he appeared remorseful and continued to be remorseful. He faithfully went to therapy with me and did everything the therapist suggested he do. He demonstrated again and again that he was sorry for what he'd done and that he wanted to stay married to me. It was hard and it took a long time, but eventually I came to believe that we had a better marriage than we had had before.

It's been 25 years since DH told me he was having an affair, and I can say completely honestly that I do not believe he has ever cheated or come close to cheating again. No regrets.

Ultimately, I think you need to be able to see him as a good person who did a bad thing. If you can't see him this way--because he does a lot of bad things, or because he doesn't appear to be sorry for what he's done to you and your relationship, or because you don't see cheating as something that a good person can do, so the fact that he cheated means he *isn't* a good person--then I think the chances that you can forgive and rebuild your relationship into something that is fulfilling and satisfying for you are small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?

This

I don’t get this. He should leave if he’s not happy. Not cheat. Seriously.

But she would have been devastated if he left her. This was better.

Its never better. Ever, as now she is devastated from the affair and knowing the marriage is basically over.