If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I'd gotten out after the "first" incident, which I later discovered was only the first I caught him in. He confessed because he was caught, and he appeared remorseful, but he was cheating again inside six months.

Cheaters will cheat. It's a stress reaction for them, like alcohol for alcoholics.

Leave him now or find yourself here again in two years or five, older and with more kids.

I had to check the date on this post to make sure I didn't write it. You are 100% right.

[Anonymous]

Did he confess this to you or you found out some other way?

I didn't forgive my husband so I don't have any advice but I'd guess it might be easier to forgive someone who made a mistake (?) and came to me and confessed and groveled vs. my stumbling across it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I'd gotten out after the "first" incident, which I later discovered was only the first I caught him in. He confessed because he was caught, and he appeared remorseful, but he was cheating again inside six months.

Cheaters will cheat. It's a stress reaction for them, like alcohol for alcoholics.

Leave him now or find yourself here again in two years or five, older and with more kids.

I had to check the date on this post to make sure I didn't write it. You are 100% right.

My experience as well.

[Anonymous]

I was the cheater and my husband said it was simply a matter of trust and that he’d never trust me again so there was no forgiveness. It was brutally cold and unemotional which made it even more painful. Our two children were in college and he told me it was up to me to explain to them why we were separating. They were devastated and they have been very distant since then. The damage I did to them and my ex was overwhelming and even though it’s been five years I still feel very alone. I was so stupid in allowing an emotional relationship with an old friend to suddenly get physical even though I had a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and my husband said it was simply a matter of trust and that he’d never trust me again so there was no forgiveness. It was brutally cold and unemotional which made it even more painful. Our two children were in college and he told me it was up to me to explain to them why we were separating. They were devastated and they have been very distant since then. The damage I did to them and my ex was overwhelming and even though it’s been five years I still feel very alone. I was so stupid in allowing an emotional relationship with an old friend to suddenly get physical even though I had a good marriage.

How long was your affair? Did you have sex just once with this guy?

Possibility that the emotional aspect made the betrayal worse in your husband's eyes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes about 2 to 3 years post-divorce and you start to not really care one bit. A bit more time and you could actually see them in friendly terms, but not someone to actively be friends with, but be chill about co-parenting with her or him.

You get to a point where you feel indifferent about them and simply glad that they are no longer a problem. But the psychological scarring from the betrayal lasts. Op will never again trust anyone that way ever again.

Very true. My ex wife cheated and we divorced about 5 years ago. I won’t ever love that way again. First marriage, children, both being all in and building a life together. I’m over it as much as one can be, but it sucks at 54 to know I had my shot at doing it right and it’s messed up and I can’t ever do that again. All my current prospects are middle aged very nice divorced women with kids. Any talk of re marriage involves basically separate finances and more of a partnership, and not the crazy all in life together situation that I had. Makes me sad sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't. I kicked the cheating whore to the curb and lorded the adultery over her in divorce proceedings so she got zero alimony.

ARe you in Maryland? I've been told hat adultery is not really factored into alimony decisions. The shoes on the other foot in my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes about 2 to 3 years post-divorce and you start to not really care one bit. A bit more time and you could actually see them in friendly terms, but not someone to actively be friends with, but be chill about co-parenting with her or him.

You get to a point where you feel indifferent about them and simply glad that they are no longer a problem. But the psychological scarring from the betrayal lasts. Op will never again trust anyone that way ever again.

Very true. My ex wife cheated and we divorced about 5 years ago. I won’t ever love that way again. First marriage, children, both being all in and building a life together. I’m over it as much as one can be, but it sucks at 54 to know I had my shot at doing it right and it’s messed up and I can’t ever do that again. All my current prospects are middle aged very nice divorced women with kids. Any talk of re marriage involves basically separate finances and more of a partnership, and not the crazy all in life together situation that I had. Makes me sad sometimes.

Did she leave or did you? Why did you feel you had to get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes about 2 to 3 years post-divorce and you start to not really care one bit. A bit more time and you could actually see them in friendly terms, but not someone to actively be friends with, but be chill about co-parenting with her or him.

You get to a point where you feel indifferent about them and simply glad that they are no longer a problem. But the psychological scarring from the betrayal lasts. Op will never again trust anyone that way ever again.

Very true. My ex wife cheated and we divorced about 5 years ago. I won’t ever love that way again. First marriage, children, both being all in and building a life together. I’m over it as much as one can be, but it sucks at 54 to know I had my shot at doing it right and it’s messed up and I can’t ever do that again. All my current prospects are middle aged very nice divorced women with kids. Any talk of re marriage involves basically separate finances and more of a partnership, and not the crazy all in life together situation that I had. Makes me sad sometimes.

The frustrating part is that I don’t think the cheating spouse even knows/understands what they stole from the victim spouse. Mine didn’t seem to have any understanding of the way in which he permanently damaged my life and the kids. Yes, we recovered (although we split) and I built a new life. We co-parent. But, I dumped him after I found out about his repeated cheating when my youngest was 18 months old. Neither I nor my kids ever had an intact family to parent or grow up in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't. I kicked the cheating whore to the curb and lorded the adultery over her in divorce proceedings so she got zero alimony.

ARe you in Maryland? I've been told hat adultery is not really factored into alimony decisions. The shoes on the other foot in my situation.

I call BS on the PP. It's 2019 and divorce courts *DO NOT CARE* who is sleeping with whom (nor should they). Not to mention that alimony itself has gone extinct (thankfully).
So while I very much believe there was zero alimony, it was NOT because of her cheating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't. I kicked the cheating whore to the curb and lorded the adultery over her in divorce proceedings so she got zero alimony.

ARe you in Maryland? I've been told hat adultery is not really factored into alimony decisions. The shoes on the other foot in my situation.

I call BS on the PP. It's 2019 and divorce courts *DO NOT CARE* who is sleeping with whom (nor should they). Not to mention that alimony itself has gone extinct (thankfully).
So while I very much believe there was zero alimony, it was NOT because of her cheating!

It's only a handful of states whereby the alimony can be increased. Or the offending partner would end up paying all costs related to the divorce. My friend got alimony until she remarries, but only because she was on a disability for her bad knee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and my husband said it was simply a matter of trust and that he’d never trust me again so there was no forgiveness. It was brutally cold and unemotional which made it even more painful. Our two children were in college and he told me it was up to me to explain to them why we were separating. They were devastated and they have been very distant since then. The damage I did to them and my ex was overwhelming and even though it’s been five years I still feel very alone. I was so stupid in allowing an emotional relationship with an old friend to suddenly get physical even though I had a good marriage.

How long was your affair? Did you have sex just once with this guy?

Possibility that the emotional aspect made the betrayal worse in your husband's eyes?

to the 2nd PP, you're over thinking this and thinking about this from a woman's perspective. the 1st PP noted her exDH said it was the trust that had been broken, and as a man whose exW also cheated, that was an irrevocable break for me. In my case. she slept with another man behind my back and lied about it. What more was there to consider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes about 2 to 3 years post-divorce and you start to not really care one bit. A bit more time and you could actually see them in friendly terms, but not someone to actively be friends with, but be chill about co-parenting with her or him.

You get to a point where you feel indifferent about them and simply glad that they are no longer a problem. But the psychological scarring from the betrayal lasts. Op will never again trust anyone that way ever again.

Very true. My ex wife cheated and we divorced about 5 years ago. I won’t ever love that way again. First marriage, children, both being all in and building a life together. I’m over it as much as one can be, but it sucks at 54 to know I had my shot at doing it right and it’s messed up and I can’t ever do that again. All my current prospects are middle aged very nice divorced women with kids. Any talk of re marriage involves basically separate finances and more of a partnership, and not the crazy all in life together situation that I had. Makes me sad sometimes.

The frustrating part is that I don’t think the cheating spouse even knows/understands what they stole from the victim spouse. Mine didn’t seem to have any understanding of the way in which he permanently damaged my life and the kids. Yes, we recovered (although we split) and I built a new life. We co-parent. But, I dumped him after I found out about his repeated cheating when my youngest was 18 months old. Neither I nor my kids ever had an intact family to parent or grow up in.

That’s really the thing. My marriage wasn’t super before the cheating, but the cheating completely broke it, for me. I was secure and it was my *family,* and it totally crumbled in an instant. I may marry again, but this is not what I dreamed of for my children, for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and my husband said it was simply a matter of trust and that he’d never trust me again so there was no forgiveness. It was brutally cold and unemotional which made it even more painful. Our two children were in college and he told me it was up to me to explain to them why we were separating. They were devastated and they have been very distant since then. The damage I did to them and my ex was overwhelming and even though it’s been five years I still feel very alone. I was so stupid in allowing an emotional relationship with an old friend to suddenly get physical even though I had a good marriage.

How long was your affair? Did you have sex just once with this guy?

Possibility that the emotional aspect made the betrayal worse in your husband's eyes?

It was brief only a couple of months and we only had sex 5-6 times. I don’t think my husband really cared about the emotional part of the relationship or at least he never spoke about it. He had no interest in counseling as he essentially said “it might help me understand why you had an affair” but that no counseling would ever rebuild the trust. He’s remarried, my children are now out of college and doing well and i’m pretty miserable. I guess I got what I deserved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and my husband said it was simply a matter of trust and that he’d never trust me again so there was no forgiveness. It was brutally cold and unemotional which made it even more painful. Our two children were in college and he told me it was up to me to explain to them why we were separating. They were devastated and they have been very distant since then. The damage I did to them and my ex was overwhelming and even though it’s been five years I still feel very alone. I was so stupid in allowing an emotional relationship with an old friend to suddenly get physical even though I had a good marriage.

How long was your affair? Did you have sex just once with this guy?

Possibility that the emotional aspect made the betrayal worse in your husband's eyes?

It was brief only a couple of months and we only had sex 5-6 times. I don’t think my husband really cared about the emotional part of the relationship or at least he never spoke about it. He had no interest in counseling as he essentially said “it might help me understand why you had an affair” but that no counseling would ever rebuild the trust. He’s remarried, my children are now out of college and doing well and i’m pretty miserable. I guess I got what I deserved.

All you can do at this point is move on. Don't focus on him, or put yourself in situations where you see "them".

I'm sure you could find a someone if you put enough effort into it. It's the cheaters that aren't sorry, and continue the sick lifestyle who are really messed up. No shortage on DCUM.