If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?

[Anonymous]

You can’t. You will never trust him again. I wish that weren’t the case, but it is. Now, that said, being cheated on is going to make you have difficulty trusting ANY man you are in a relationship, it comes with the territory. So the real issue is you have to determine if your current situation is better than your potential future without him.

I divorced after my ex cheated. We had been together 20 years. While I’m glad I’m done with him, because he never accepted responsibility for his actions. Literally said things like he did it because I didn’t watch enough tv with the kids, I didn’t make him do enough charitable work, etc. any excuse someone throws at you for cheating can be completely countered by the simple phrase “then get divorced. Don’t cheat.”

As a single mom, romantic relationships are tricky moving forward because most men want to get married and have someone take care of them. I’ve no intention of remarrying before my kids are out of the house. If your partner has kids, they have their own custody schedules, baggage, and trying to combine houses rarely works. You may be saving for your biological kids for college, and he may not. Then it’s really awkward because the kids are being treated differently. He may have big alimony obligations. Or a really troublesome ex. All these things makes second marriages exponentially more likely to fail.

I only say this to point out that yes... your marriage will never be the same. But the future as I divorced is complicated too. Only you can decide what you can live with. I don’t regret my divorce at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re being attached here. What a terrible time this must be for you. I can only speak from my experience.

I gave my marriage a year after discovering cheating to see how my XH handled the aftermath. He was remorseful etc for maybe a month. Then a lot of underlying relationship issues came back, counseling was a disaster, and nothing had changed for the better. I made an honest effort, and I imagine some marriages could recover, but mine didn’t.

Take very good care of yourself at this time. Grieve. There may be a way forward together, but there’s no going back to what you had. I suggest hot baths, exercise, crying, journaling, therapy, wine, and girlfriends to talk to, not necessarily in that order. Big hugs.

I also gave my husband a year after I had suspicions (never found anything concrete). Our marriage improved hugely and I’m happier than ever! But I also think if I knew for sure, it’d be over. Having a close call was enough for me to work on myself and my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband has been cheating on me a few days ago. I'm still processing what happened as I am in shock that he did this to me. We have a toddler together and I'm trying to convince myself to stay together for her sake. He is showing remorse, accepts all responsibilities, and wants to work things out with me. We had a tough time in our marriage after having our baby. I fell out of love with him and our sex life was diminishing. He said he felt lonely. He feels shameful and embarrassed for what he did to me. If kids weren't involved, I don't think i could or would want to save our marriage. I feel sick to my stomach whenever i think about what he did. How can i ever trust him again? Our whole relationship was built on trust and now I've discovered he lied to me all these times. I want to forgive him because maybe now that everything is out on the table, we can rebuild our relationship. He promised to devote his all to being the best husband and father now and asked for one last chance to work things out...sigh. I feel so torn. I never thought that this would happen to me.

It’s only sex. It does not mean he loves you less

[Anonymous]

He lies. He breaks promises. His current promises are just more lies. Actions speak much more than words.

I have forgiven, but he is no longer my spouse.

[Anonymous]

I didn't. I left, and eventually forgave myself for marrying such an ass and moved on.
It was the right decision. 25+ years later he hasn't changed. Life with him would have been miserable.

[Anonymous]

i've had an affair with my secretary..still going strong & saved both our marriages

[Anonymous]

I was the OW of a guy who had cheated before. I didn’t know he was married. He was so smooth. Our affair was intense but brief. No one ever caught on, he was never caught, and I called it off when things came to light. We’re still friendly. I am positive that he will cheat again. He’s miserable in his marriage, but staying for his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the OW of a guy who had cheated before. I didn’t know he was married. He was so smooth. Our affair was intense but brief. No one ever caught on, he was never caught, and I called it off when things came to light. We’re still friendly. I am positive that he will cheat again. He’s miserable in his marriage, but staying for his kids.

Yeah right all cheaters are miserable! Cut him loose, he's a horrible man. Why would you still be friendly with this loser after doing all that. Kind of makes your story suspicious. Tell his wife and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i've had an affair with my secretary..still going strong & saved both our marriages

Keep lying to yourself. Karma for people like you.

[Anonymous]

Of course he told you he was miserable in his marriage. What on earth did you expect a cheater to say to you? That he loves his wife and just likes hooking up with easy lays for the variety and excitement? You are an idiot if you believe anything he says.

[Anonymous]

Has OP come back even once since her initial post??

I can't stand it when so many people dedicated the time to give her such great advice & she doesn't even have the respect or courtesy to follow up even once.

Im starting to sympathize with her husband a bit more now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the OW of a guy who had cheated before. I didn’t know he was married. He was so smooth. Our affair was intense but brief. No one ever caught on, he was never caught, and I called it off when things came to light. We’re still friendly. I am positive that he will cheat again. He’s miserable in his marriage, but staying for his kids.

Yeah right all cheaters are miserable! Cut him loose, he's a horrible man. Why would you still be friendly with this loser after doing all that. Kind of makes your story suspicious. Tell his wife and move on.

I went out with a gal in this exact situation. She called the wife to tell her & the wife said" I know & know who you are...I don't care"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the OW of a guy who had cheated before. I didn’t know he was married. He was so smooth. Our affair was intense but brief. No one ever caught on, he was never caught, and I called it off when things came to light. We’re still friendly. I am positive that he will cheat again. He’s miserable in his marriage, but staying for his kids.

Yeah right all cheaters are miserable! Cut him loose, he's a horrible man. Why would you still be friendly with this loser after doing all that. Kind of makes your story suspicious. Tell his wife and move on.

I went out with a gal in this exact situation. She called the wife to tell her & the wife said" I know & know who you are...I don't care"

LOL
I know one lady around 59 in that scenario. She's in our Bunco group, husband cheated on/off during their marriage. She stayed because she had no desire to find anyone or get married. He hasn't cheated in a long time because she scared the pants off him. Pretended the OW was sending stuff in the mail, weird phone calls etc. Funny story, but she really doesn't like him. One time she thanked the OW for doing all her work, and giving her more time to do things she actually enjoyed. Offered to send OW a gift card!