Stepdaughter wants to move in full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

How long has new step dad been in their lives?

How did mom meet him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

Did you read nothing else of the post? Do you really think the possibility she's just being dramatic outweighs the possibility that she's being/is at risk of being sexually abused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

This makes me think there is something more going on than what you know right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

So why do you think she wants to live with you full time? If it's the same at both houses, why stir this all up and get people mad at her? I assure you, she's aware of your disdain for her (you're not that good an actress if you couldn't even hide it here), and yet she'd rather face that every day than whatever's going on at her mom's house. That should tell you a lot.

Find your moral compass. For real.

[Anonymous]

If you say yes, and she is just being dramatic, then once the novelty wears off she will go back to staying with her mom.

If you say yes, and she stays with you through graduation, then most likely you saved her from something really unpleasant or worse.

If you say no, and she is just being dramatic, she will never forget being rejected by her dad when she really needed him. It will change her forever. She will also hate you forever, and blame you for saying no. Her relationship with her dad will never be the same.

If you say no because you think she is being dramatic, and there is actually something happening with stepdad or something happens down the road, you will destroy her. She, and possibly your husband, will resent you for this for as long as you are in their lives.

Say yes.

If you are correct, this will be temporary.

If you are not correct, you will be saving this girl from a lot of trauma.

[Anonymous]

Your husband wants this. If you reject his daughter and not support him in this, how do you think that will impact your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you say yes, and she is just being dramatic, then once the novelty wears off she will go back to staying with her mom.

If you say yes, and she stays with you through graduation, then most likely you saved her from something really unpleasant or worse.

If you say no, and she is just being dramatic, she will never forget being rejected by her dad when she really needed him. It will change her forever. She will also hate you forever, and blame you for saying no. Her relationship with her dad will never be the same.

If you say no because you think she is being dramatic, and there is actually something happening with stepdad or something happens down the road, you will destroy her. She, and possibly your husband, will resent you for this for as long as you are in their lives.

Say yes.

If you are correct, this will be temporary.

If you are not correct, you will be saving this girl from a lot of trauma.

+1

Not to mention, if you say no and something happens to her, I suspect your husband will never forgive you. And even if nothing happens, he may well resent that you refused to let his daughter live with you when she asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

How long has new step dad been in their lives?

How did mom meet him?

Three years, they met at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is this girl OP?

12

No 12 year old girl asks to live with her stepmom over her mom unless there is something really, really wrong occurring at mom's house. With certainty, there is more going on in that house than her not being allowed to leave her room.

Do the right thing OP.

+1 And in this situation I wouldn't trust that mom's take on the situation is more accurate than DD's. Of course she'll say "everything is fine, DD's just being dramatic". And, if you question DD in front of mom she's likely to recant what she's said because she doesn't want to make mom angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

Did you read nothing else of the post? Do you really think the possibility she's just being dramatic outweighs the possibility that she's being/is at risk of being sexually abused?

I would think that if her issue was with her stepfather. She told DH that she likes him, but she thinks her mom has changed since she married him. Her issue is with her mom, not the stepdad.

[Anonymous]

I wish someone had welcomed me into their home when my first stepfather was sexually abusing me.

I also wish someone would have welcomed me into their home when the son of my second stepfather, who already had a conviction for sexual assault, was abusing me. Instead, I was blamed for being “provacative”. I was 12 at the time, and who knows.. I may have been provocative as I was being abused by my stepfather as young as 4. I don’t think I was - it was things that a normal 12 year old girl should be able to do in their own home, like wear pyjamas.

As it was, my mother was an alcoholic as well, and I raised my brothers until I left home at 17. And no one “heard” me.

I married young, mostly as an escape, and divorced young. He was a good man and I regret it. I then got in an abusive relationship for years, mostly because it was a known. I got out, and met my now DH. I cheated on him online.

It took me forever to realize it wasn’t me. A lot of therapy and time, and soul searching. But no one ever listened, and I didn’t expect them to ever care about me as an adult. The wreckage of life behind me is soul sinking, but I’m finally in a good place.

I wonder what would have happened had I been able to leave that home situation earlier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had welcomed me into their home when my first stepfather was sexually abusing me.

I also wish someone would have welcomed me into their home when the son of my second stepfather, who already had a conviction for sexual assault, was abusing me. Instead, I was blamed for being “provacative”. I was 12 at the time, and who knows.. I may have been provocative as I was being abused by my stepfather as young as 4. I don’t think I was - it was things that a normal 12 year old girl should be able to do in their own home, like wear pyjamas.

As it was, my mother was an alcoholic as well, and I raised my brothers until I left home at 17. And no one “heard” me.

I married young, mostly as an escape, and divorced young. He was a good man and I regret it. I then got in an abusive relationship for years, mostly because it was a known. I got out, and met my now DH. I cheated on him online.

It took me forever to realize it wasn’t me. A lot of therapy and time, and soul searching. But no one ever listened, and I didn’t expect them to ever care about me as an adult. The wreckage of life behind me is soul sinking, but I’m finally in a good place.

I wonder what would have happened had I been able to leave that home situation earlier?

Oh, and FWIW, I was also accused of “being dramatic”. I guess it was easier to deflect the guilt onto me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

Did you read nothing else of the post? Do you really think the possibility she's just being dramatic outweighs the possibility that she's being/is at risk of being sexually abused?

I would think that if her issue was with her stepfather. She told DH that she likes him, but she thinks her mom has changed since she married him. Her issue is with her mom, not the stepdad.

Don't trust that she's telling you the full truth. If the answer is she has a really bad feeling about her stepfather and doesn't feel safe around him, she may not feel like she can say that out loud. Maybe because she's afraid she won't be taken seriously, maybe because it's just an instinct and not that he's actually done anything and she doesn't feel it would be "right" to make accusations when he hasn't done anything, etc. Also, if her mom really has changed and is being emotionally abusive to her, that's not something her mom will ever admit but is something your stepdaughter needs to be protected from.

If you didn't want a stepchild, you shouldn't have married a man with a child. You chose this for yourself, now be a grown-up instead of acting like a spoiled toddler who doesn't want their toy taken away.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about you, but if my spouse made me choose between them or my child, my child wins.

I think for girls, a new man in the family is very threatening and scary. Even though she's most comfortable with mom the new dad is cancelling that comfort out. She probably feels safer around her real dad and stepmom is non threatening. I would let her move in but only after getting the real story from mom and both agreeing that this is the situation.